Parody [FF7]

[keated]

Okay, first things first... this is purely out of fun, i mean no offence to ANYONE by it... secondly, please dont flame me about it! Thirdly, if you dont want to read, it's not like I'm forcing you! Oh, and it's quite possible that you may find spoilers in here... besides, it won't be as amusing until you've played it through... lol...


Completed. Should perhaps go through with a fine toothcomb looking for spelling mistakes etc...

Ah, who'm I kidding? That ain't gonna happen! Haha!

After that? We'll see


[My favourite quote is near the beginning of post 10 ]

if you want to comment, post here [I haven't had a really bad review yet!]:


yay! i got replies! lol [and feel free to tell me if you DON'T like it... constructive criticism is always welcome!]

has anyone passed any of this parody along to friends or anything? if so thnx! lol... feel free to, if you think it's good enough... and if u know anyone who'd enjoy it lol...

[keated]

(*Starts with a stary night sky, changes to Aeris gathering flowers.*)
Aeris: Achoo! Bloody flower allergies (*sniff*)
(*view changes around, so that you can see the train station, where the train containing MUDSLIDE comes in. Jessie, Wedge, Biggs and Basset depart, and Cloud jumps off*)
Cloud: OW! Damn... I just sprained my ankle!
Basset: Wuss!
(*Cloud limps towards exit*)
Cloud: Oh no! a not-so-random encounter! With some guards! Never saw that coming!
(*random battle commences*)
Guards: Ha ha! We've got guns! Oh crap... he's bulletproof... perhaps we're just bad shots?
(*Cloud swings his Busted sword around, using it more like a club than a sword*)
Cloud: Ha ha... yoink!
(*Cloud steals potion from deceased guard, before going to meet up with the rest of MUDSLIDE, outside the reactor*)
Cloud: You know, i would have thought that they'd put slightly better guards around...
Basset: Shuddup... now you EX-SAILOR %^*&, what's your name?
Cloud: Same as it was when I signed up, dumbass.
Basset: Don't move as a group, and get into the Baka Reactor
MUDSLIDE: YEAH!
Cloud: Yeah, sure...
(*no one except Cloud gets into any kind of fight whilst going into the Baka Reactor, whereas Cloud gets into 57, as he decides to level up. No one even notices he's half an hour late*)
Basset: Okay! In we go! Wedge, use your fat *** to stop anyone from blocking that door!
(*wedge runs up to door, and sits on his fat ***, while the rest of MUDSLIDE run further into the reactor*)
Basset: All know what we gotta do?
MUDSLIDE: Yeah.
Cloud (*slight groan*): Yes
Basset: Right! That's it! You're coming with me hotshot
Cloud: Hey: What'd I do?
Basset: I don't know, but if there's two of us, one can use the pheonix downs if the other gets KO'd
Cloud: You mean it's just for plot?
Basset: Yeah, now, go talk to Jessie to get the damned doors open!
Jessie: Hey, I hear ya...
(*doors open... cloud walks on to the elevator*)
Cloud: Now, remind me again why we're doing this?
Basset: $%&£ Cloud, it's for the Planet, or don't you care?
Cloud: Not like it's my problem
Basset: Oh, sorry... forgot that you live on Planet Cloud...
(*cloud walks off the elevator, and into a random battle*)
Cloud: is it just me, or do these always happen when you're JUST ABOUT to open the menu?
Basset: Is it just me, or do we never see them coming... and how come my gun does less than your sword?
Cloud: 'Cos I'm on a higher level.
Basset: It's a GUN... the only strength you need is to stop recoil... and im sure im not THAT bad a shot!
(*kills enemy that looks like the drainage system, come alive, before running through the door to the next room. Cloud watches Jessie climb up the ladder [honestly, it has nothing to do with getting a look at her rear end], before climbing the ladder himself. Cloud walks over to Jessie*)
Cloud: You alright? You look stuck...
Jessie: Stuck? Me? Nah... my legs NATURALLY have metal intertwined with them.
Cloud: Okay. Cya!
(*Cloud climbs down the ladder*)
Cloud: OOH! A savepoint!
(*saves game before running towards the working bit of the reactor, the rest of it just being for show*)
Basset: Well, looky looky... a shiny green thingy on the floor!
Cloud: That's Hysteria you idiot...
Basset: Oh...
(*'recieved "Ah, That's Better" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Beats me what kind of idiot leaves a piece of Hysteria lying around though
(*does the special, slow, Cloud shrug, before planting the bomb. Surprisingly, it's taken all this time for an alarm to go off*)
Basset: Oh look... a big metal do-hickey
(*Battle commences*)
Basset: Attack while the tail's up!
Cloud: Why?
Basset: 'Cos then it counterattacks!
Cloud: Uh... isn't that a reason NOT to attack while the tail is up?
Basset: Oh yeah... tsk tsk, silly me...
Cloud: Hey dude: Your limit guage is full
(*Basset looks down at the control bar*)
Basset: So it is!
(*Uses 'Big Clot' attack. Big metal scorpion dies*)
Basset and Cloud: Yay!
Basset: Hey... wht do monsters and stuff carry Gil?
Cloud: Perhaps they've just eaten someone who was carrying some?
Basset: Oh, okay then... oh, by the way, we should get out of here, cos, in case you forgot, the BOMB!
Cloud: no problemmo... we can get out in a third of the time.
(*goes back out the way he came, until he gets to Jessie*)
Jessie: Hey Cloud, i wasn't stuck last time you asked, but i am now!
Cloud: Okay then...
(*Cloud pulls Jessie out*)
Jessie: Thanks!
(*Cloud continues out the way he came*)
Basset: Yo - Biggs: Move your fat ***!
Biggs: Oh damn, im stuck!
(*the rest of MUDSLIDE ram into him, pushing him into the tunnel*)
Basset: Awite! We out! Meet up at the train station in a coupla minutes!
MUDSLIDE: Yeah!
(*all go their seperate ways, after Biggs has put out the fire on his behind. Cloud walks up the stairs, and bumps into Aeris*)
Aeris: Hey, watchit!
Cloud: (options) Yo baby!\ Get lost!\ Hey, flowers! (chooses 'hey, flowers!')
Aeris: You want a flower? They're a single Gil, 'cos I'm really skint!
Cloud: (options) buy\ don't buy (chooses buy)
Aeris: Yay! Now maybe mum'll let me in the house...
(*Aeris walks off, and cloud goes towards station*)
Soldiers: Ey up! It's that guy we're after! He might have kicked the arse of that big scorpion, but we're MUCH harder, right boys?
(*muffled agreement, and the words 'go on, you first'*)
Cloud: Screw this!
(*Cloud jumps onto the train*)

[keated]

(*Cloud jumps onto the train*)
Cloud: So long, suckers!
(*Cloud gets hit in the head by a low bridge, becoming mildly concussed*)
Jessie: What happened to Cloud?
(*sound of something heavy hitting the top of the train*)
Basset: It was a pidgeon. Cloud's dead, accept it. Yay! don't have to pay him, and I kept the Hysteria!
(*door opens, cloud swings in*)
Cloud: What'd I miss?
Basset: Oh, we were making funeral plans
Cloud: Who's?
Basset: Yours.
Cloud: Oh... so you were all worried about me, huh?
Basset (*sulky*): Would have taken the money out of your paycheck...
(*MUDSLIDE goes through to the next car. Shinra manager gets up*)
Shinra Manager: Why do I always catch this train...
Basset: Awite... new world wecowd!
Jessie: Hey, Cloud, wanna watch this screen with me... hint hint?
Cloud: Sure... why not.
(*Cloud goes over, and is asleep halfway through Jessie's explanation, but wakes up just before the end*)
Jessie: So, Cloud... want me to make you a SPECIAL pass, so you can get into special places?
(*Jessie winks*)
Cloud: Woah! Slow down there!
Jessie: Come on... what's the worst that could happen?
Cloud: Oh... okay then.
(*The train gets to the station, and MUDSLIDE depart*)
Basset: I know, let's go to Tifa's Bar, and all get plastered!
Biggs: Sounds like a plan to me!
Basset: Cloud, get your spikey haired *** there ASAP!
Cloud: Hey, how'd you know my *** was spiky haired?
(*MUDSLIDE go towards Tifa's Bar, the Final-Fantasy-7 Heaven, Cloud lags behind*)
Guy: Hey, wanna see my special area?
Cloud: Huh? Sicko!
Guy: All right then... lemme put it another way: wanna stare mindlessly at the pillar with me?
Cloud: Sure, sounds fun
Guy: You know, if that pillar were to collapse, we'd all be in deep crap... hint hint
Cloud: I'm not in the least suspicious about why you're telling me that.
(*Cloud follows the rest of MUDSLIDE to Tifa's Bar, and watches Basset throw some people out for not paying their tab, before following him in*)
Marlene: Papa Bertie!
Basset: I told you not to call me that...
Marlene: But you look like Bertie Basset, the guy made out of Liquorice Allsorts!
Basset: Tifa, I'm home!
Tifa: Hi Basset! How was your day at work?
Basset: I fought a big metal scorpion, blew up a Baka Reactor and caused several million Gil worth of damage.
Tifa: Same old, huh? Oh, Hi Cloud! is that a flower in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
Cloud: Actually... Um... it's a flower for Marlene.
Marlene: Yoink!
(*Marlene now runs behind the bar*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud, everyone else is going down, you want to?
Jessie (*whisper*): Oh yeah, not TOO obvious
Cloud: Sure... do I get my money then? Cos I am SO outta here when I've got my money. Really. I mean it. There's no changing my mind!
Tifa: Sure. Now, get down there. Basset's waiting for you!
(*Cloud gets on the pinball machine, and goes down to the basement, after getting a new high score*)
Cloud: Gimme me money!
Basset: You *&$% what makes you think you deserve any?
Cloud: Well, I did kind of blow up that reactor...
Basset: Okay, here...
(*Cloud goes up, using the pinball machine*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud! Remember the childhood promise?
Cloud: What? That if we're both single when we reach 35, we marry eachother for company?
Tifa: No! Not that! The OTHER one!
Cloud: Nope... doesn't ring a bell.
(*Cue the well scene*)
Tifa: Ha! I'll bet, but if you remember, you've got to rescue me if I'm ever in a bind and can't get out
Cloud: Not my problem if you're into all that bondage stuff and get stuck.
Tifa: You know what I mean... Well, I'm in a bind now
Cloud: Yeah, but I'm not famous!
Tifa: Yeah, well... still gotta do it... you're here, aren't you?
Cloud: Okay then... I'll stay.
(*Basset comes up*)
Cloud: The next fee is more
Basset: $*%* that's Marlene's college fund!
Cloud: Hand it over... if you don't protect the planet, will there BE a college for her to go to?
Basset: Damn... good point
(*Basset hands over the money*)
Basset: Oh, and how does this here Hysteria work? Tell me, and I'll give you that shiny piece we found!
Cloud: Oh, it's really easy... you just dump the Hysteria into the holes in your weapons and armour, but some of it's just crap, like the 'Kill Me' hysteria, aka cover, unless you want a limit break, but even then the Manipulate Hysteria works better.
Basset: What's all this 'Easy' %&*$? Ah, you handle it!
Tifa: We've got a long day tomorrow, and I'm planning to come, so shall we go to bed?
Cloud: Uh... Tifa... you COULD have phrased that one better...
(*All of them go back down via the Pinball machine until the morning*)
Tifa: How did you sleep Cloud?
Cloud: (options) not too well... I was ogling you all night\ great... I had this really interesting dream that you wouldn't want to hear about... I was a fish... (chose 'Great...')
Tifa: Oh... okay then. That's... nice.
Basset: Let's get going!
(*MUDSLIDE run to the train*)
Manager: Twice in two days? Oh well... at least this time I can ogle Tifa...
Tifa: Did you say something, buddy?
Manager: Uh... no... oh... look at the time... I'd better go...
(*The manager runs for it, and Basset spreads himself out on the comfy seat again*)
Basset: Ah... this is the life.
(*An alarm goes off*)
Basset: The hell is goin' on?
Jessie: It's the security checkpoint! It's earlier than I thought!
Basset: Always the way... you early, it's late, you're on time, it's early, you're late, it's on time.
Jessie: What the HELL are you on about?
Voice from the train: Lockdown in 20 seconds
Cloud: Leggit!
(*Cloud and MUDSLIDE run along the train, until they get to the end*)
Cloud: It's a guard!
Jessie: It's only me! What do you think, Cloud?
Cloud: You make a great guy!
(*Cloud winks*)
Jessie: Uh... thanks... I think...
Basset: Yo Cloud! Let's jump out like suicidal maniacs!!!
Cloud: Cool! You first!
Basset: Nah, the leader's gotta stay behind... YOU first
Cloud: Okay, but if I die, I'm blaming you...
Basset: Well, go on then!
Cloud (*muttered*): What was all that about there's no getting off this train metaphor...?
(*Cloud jumps off*)

[keated]

(*Cloud jumps off*)
Basset: C'mon, the Baka Reactor's up ahead
Cloud: Sure, but let's spend an hour here leveling up first though, okay?
(*After said hour, cloud runs along the passage towards the checkpoint, and the exit*)
Basset: Oh &$£%, a security checkpoint, nowhere to go now
Tifa: Hey, isn't there a hole nearby you can squeeze down?
Cloud: Tifa! Please, this is hardly the time!
Tifa: I MEAN that ventilation shaft behind you!
Cloud: Oh, right.
Basset: *$&% Tifa, I can't fit down there!
Cloud: Well, just enter my body, or possess it, or whatever it is that you normally do...
(*Basset and Tifa run into Cloud's body, before he climbs down into the ventilation shaft, and makes his way towardswhere the rest of MUDSLIDE are, climbing up into the ventilation duct with Jessie*)
Jessie: Just you and me, huh?
(*Basset and Tifa step out of Cloud's body*)
Jessie: OH... right. Sorry Cloud, it's all my fault, with that new card I made for you... wanna see?
Cloud: Sure
(*Jessie hands over the card, which says: Cloud Strop, Male Chippendale*)
Cloud: Uh-HUH... Jessie, how often do you get out?
Jessie: Only when we're blowing up a reactor. It's down that tunnel, by the way... you're going to have to crawl. I'd suggest going head first, so you can see where you're going.
(*Cloud gets into the tunnel, and crawls along, not noticing Jessie watching him from behind. He gets to a ladder, before going down, into the Baka Reactor.*)
Cloud: What? Did they pay someone once to design all of them or something? Cheapskates...
(*Cloud slides down the pipe*)
Cloud: WHEE! This is fun!
(*Cloud then proceeds, exactly like the other reactor, until he gets to the place for the bomb to be planted, where he collapses. Basset kicks him in the groin*)
Basset: Geddup, lazy $&%*!
Cloud: Argh... I think I've got a migrane...
Basset: Ah, quit complaining. There we go. Now I think we should probably scarper!
Tifa: Good idea!
(*Cloud goes out the way he came, gets to the elevator, goes up, and gets to the control pannel*)
Cloud: Hows this work?
Tifa: You gotta push all three at once!
Cloud: Well, if i lie on there, i can push one with each leg, and one with my hands?
Tifa: No, it's gotta be 3 people, 'cos it's more annoying to have to do it that way!
Cloud: Ah, I see now.
(*After 30 failed attempts, Cloud manages to push the switch at the right time, when giving up and just leaning on it, before going through the doors, saving, and going further on, into the part where the path splits into two*)
Cloud: Oh no! A load of soldiers, like the ones we've been killing so easily, are blocking our path! Let's give up and stand here!
President: Hiya! (mhm... pies... I love pies)... well, don't know who you are, but you terrorists are gonna get killed. Well, I'm late for lunch (mhm... lunch... I love lunch...) so I'l be going now.
Basset: Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? You did! You did! You fat %&£$*%$! You fat *&%$%*%! You ate all the pies!
Cloud: Hey, I'm Cloud!
President: That's nice, but you're no Bob, so I can't be expected to know or care about your name.
(*President gets into non-ergonomically correct helicopter, and flies away, whilst singing about pies*)
President: Oh, and incidently, here's a nice really-really-dead-hard-honest piece of machinery from our R&D boys. Enjoy!
(****-Buster comes on, and gets between Cloud and the others*)
Basset: Watch out Cloud! It's *** has it's most powerful weapon!
Cloud: Ah, who cares...
(*Cloud uses a limit break, and ***-Buster turns around. Tifa and Basset use limit breaks, and the thing is broken*)
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, watch out... it's gonna blow!
(*Cloud raises an eyebrow, but before he can comment, the ***-Buster explodes*)
Tifa: Cloud! Are you all right?
Cloud: Yeah, fine and dandy, thanks for asking...
Basset: This place is going to blow up in a minute!
Cloud: (options) Be strong\ be a wuss (chose 'Be strong')
(*Cloud starts doing pull ups*)
Cloud: Hey Tifa, look what I can do!
(*Cloud slips, and Tifa tries to grab him, but Basset, seeming to enjoy this immensely, grabs her and pulls her back up*)
Tifa: Cloud!
(*Basset pulls Tifa out from the Baka Reactor, while Cloud falls into the darkness below, and there are explosions behind*)

[keated]

(*Basset pulls Tifa out from the Baka Reactor, while Cloud falls into the darkness below, and there are explosions behind*)
Mysterious Voice: Hey dude! Good thing they never thought to put in a floor, huh?
Cloud: What?
Mysterious Voice: I reckon you could get away with just a graze here
Cloud: Huh?
Aeris: It's not moving... maybe I should go through the pockets?
Cloud: Uh?
Aeris: Damn... i mean GOOD.. you're alive!
(*Cloud opens his eyes, and is the middle of a cabbage patch*)
Cloud: What? Where?
Aeris: You £$*%£$%, you landed in my cabbages!
Cloud: Cabbages? I thought you sold flowers?
Aeris: I do all sorts of fruit and veg.
Cloud: Whoah! TOO much information!
(*Cloud gets up*)
Aeris: Do you rememebr me then?
Cloud: (options) yeah, you were selling flowers after i blew up the Baka Re- um... i mean when I was in the area... \ yeah, weren't you the slum slut? (Chose 'Yeah, you were selling flowers')
Aeris: You DO remember!
Cloud: What's your name?
Aeris: It's Aeris... look, you can see it at the top of the blue speech boxes. And if you call me Aerith, i'll hit you on the head with my big bo-peep-style-sheep-rod-thing.
Cloud: Right...
Aeris: So, what do you do for a living?
Cloud: I'm a jack off all trades
Aeris: You mean an odd-job man?
Cloud: ...
Aeris: Ever been a bodyguard?
Cloud: Of course!
Aeris: Wanna be MY bodyguard?
Cloud: It'll cost you.
Aeris: How about one date?
Cloud: What KIND of date? The kind that ends in a slap on the face, the kind that ends in a nightcap, the kind that ends with a kiss at the doorway, the kind that-
Aeris: We'll see.
Cloud: Sounds like a great idea to me!
(* Renaultand soldiers enter*)
Renault: Hey Bo-Peep!
Aeris: Oh no! Let's go into the back room!
Cloud: Slow down a bit...
Aeris: We've got to go now... you've got to keep me safe!
(*Cloud and Aeris leg it into the back room. Renault goes up to the cabbage-patch, walks straight through it, subtly pockets one, and then turns around to the troops*)
Renault: Get her... oh, and don't walk through the cabbages.
Soldiers: But you just did!
(*Cloud and Aeris, in the next room, run up the stairs and up a fallen pillar, before the guards enter, and start shooting. Cloud and Aeris get to a gap in the floor*)
Cloud: Jump!
Aeris: No way, and let those pervs down there see up my dress? Forget it!
Cloud: Oh well... I'm off!
Aeris: Aiee!
(*Aeris falls down to the ground floor, and is followed by various guards*)
Aeris: Cloud! Help me!
(*Cloud runs around in the rafters, and finds a beer keg that miraculously hadn't been stolen, before accidently knocking it it down into the guards whilst trying to find a way out. The guards loose interest in Aeris, and pull out beer-mugs. Aeris climbs up and jumps the gap, as the guards are busy drinking, before running up into the rafters with Cloud. Cloud legs it across the rooftops, but Aeris manages to catch up.*)
Aeris: Wait!
(*Aeris does an overtheatrical jump*)
Aeris: Thanks!
Cloud: Those were Greeks!
Aeris: So? Who're they?
Cloud: They recruit people for SAILOR, but do other cool stuff like kidnapping on the side.
Aeris (*Innocently*): Oh... do you think they want me for SAILOR?
Cloud: Dunno... you want to join?
Aeris: No.
Cloud: Nah, (I'm glad I never did)... I mean... it was terrible... really bad. Really really bad.
Aeris: Huh?
Cloud: Nothing. Let's get you home.
Aeris: Oh yeah...
(*Cloud takes Aeris through to the shopping part of the Sector 5 Slums*)
Random Person: Hey, there's a guy in that tunnel, and he seems really ill!
Cloud: How... nice
Aeris: Oh! Let's go see! Please? Pretty please?
(*Cloud goes into tunnel, and sees the guy.*)
Guy: RRRRrrrrRRRRrrrr
Cloud: Ha! Yeah, tell me about it...
Aeris: Hey, look! This guy's got a tattoo... 'Bite me'?
Cloud: Woah... I want a tattoo...
Aeris: You don't need one.. you've got your trademark spikey-hair
Cloud: Damnright!
(*Cloud and Aeris go to Aeris' house*)
Aeris' Mom: You brought home another one? What is it with you and SAILORs?
Aeris: Don't go, (wait for it...) overboard mom! He's my bodyguard.
Cloud: And may I just say it was a PLEASURE guarding her body
(*Cloud waggles his eyebrows*)
Aeris: I'm taking Cloud back to sector 7.
Aeris' Mom: Not tonight... it'll wait until morning.
Aeris: Okay!
Aeris' Mom: Aeris, go upstairs and tidy up.
Aeris: Sure thing mom!
(*Aeris runs upstrairs*)
Aeris' Mom: Listen, she had problems with someone from SAILOR before, so, if you wouldn't mind, well... could you %&$* off in the middle of the night, so you won't be here tomorrow?
Cloud: You want me to %&$* in your house?
Aeris' Mom: No! I mean go away!
Cloud: Oh, right... SURE you do...
(*Cloud winks, before going upstairs*)
Aeris: Hey Cloud... I made my bed for you! Oops! I mean the spare bed... hint hint.
Cloud: Oh, thankyou.
(*Cloud goes to the spare room, and drops off to sleep*)

[keated]

(*Cloud goes to the spare room, and drops off to sleep*)
Cloud's Mom: Hey Cloud, you know you should get up off your lazy *** one day and get yourself a girlfriend!
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: I'm not accusing you of anything, but, well... they say that those boys in SAILOR... swing the other way, and no son of mine is going to be that way inclined!
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Now, don't worry Cloud, I just arranged for someone to come round later to meet you. Now, be nice, but I'm paying her by the hour.
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Well, it's either that, or you get yourself a girlfriend... I'll bet all the girls in the city just can't keep their hands off you.
Cloud: Not really...
Cloud's Mom: Say, what you need is an older girlfriend to look after you.
Cloud: ...
(*Cloud wakes up*)
Cloud: Woah... that brought back memories i never needed... time to scarper!
(*Cloud leaves the room, and tiptoes past Aeris' room, after checking through the keyhole in case he could see anything, before creeping downstairs. He now ran all the way to the crack in the wall, where Aeris was standing. Cloud looks behind him, towards Aeris' house, then back at Aeris*)
Cloud: How did...?
(*That slow Cloud shrug*)
Aeris: Come on... it's just through here.
(*Cloud walks through the crack*)
Cloud: Hey, what happened to this... road?
Aeris: I don't know... maybe it was just put in 'cos it looks cool?
Cloud: Okay then!
(*Cloud and Aeris go through the cracked road, encountering various creatures, until they reach the other side*)
Cloud: What's the deal with those Hellhouses?
Aeris: I don't know... you may as well ask what's the deal with any of the other suspicious looking monsters!
(*Cloud and Aeris go through to the playground*)
Aeris: Wow! It's still here! Although i only came here the day before yesterday, I'm amazed!
Cloud: Okay, we can stop... need a push on the swing?
Aeris: Nah, I'll be okay... Sector 7 is just through that big gate there, incidently?
Cloud: You mean the one Tifa's just come out of, in a chocobo... chariot?
(*Tifa in the back of the chocobo carriage heads away towards Floor Market*)
Aeris: No, I'd say more of a carriage... you know her? Looks a bit like a hussy to me!
Cloud: She's not normally dressed like that...
Aeris: looking like that, I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't normally dressed at all!
Cloud: Come on... let's follow her to see what's goin on
(*Cloud and Aeris run after the carriage, and into the Floor Market, up to Don Corny's Mansion*)
Cronie: Sorry, only fit birds allowed! She can come in, but you can't!
Cloud: Oh, we'll be back. I can't let you go in alone Aeris
Aeris: How do we get in then?
Cloud: I know! I'll mix business with pleasure and cross dress to get in!
Aeris: Great idea! Where do we get all the stuff from? Floor Street?
Cloud: No need... I've got my own! Um, i mean, for just such an emergency... obviously. Only when i need to. Really.
Aeris: Uh huh.
Cloud: I'll... I'll just go and change in that alleyway then...
(*Cloud runs into alleyway, and a few seconds later, Mz Cloudette emerges*)
Aeris: Woah! Um... Cloud... is that you?
Cloud: Yes.
Aeris: I think we should be able to get away with it!
(*Aeris and Mz Cloudette enter Corny's Mansion, and go down to the S&M room in the dungeon*)
Tifa: Who the %&*$ are you?
Aeris: I'm Aeris, and THIS...
Cloud: Hey Tifa!
Tifa: Cloud? Actually, I'm not sure if i WANT to know...
Cloud: Just don't tell Basset, okay? We don't want him getting ideas...
Tifa: Sure... I can honestly say, I'm never intending to tell ANYONE about this.
Cloud: So, why're you here?
Aeris: Excuse me... I'll just cover my ears, and hum an annoying tune so i can't eavestrop.
Tifa: Well, Basset thought someone was spying on us, and ended up chasing him around the Sector 7 Slums. Long story short, he threatened to nail the guys genitals to the wall, if he didn't tell us who he was working for, and Corny's name popped up. So, I'm here to find out what's going on.
Cloud: So, what's the plan?
Tifa: Every night, Corny gets 3 girls, and chooses one to be his... companion. I was planning to get in there, and, either see if i could corner him into telling me, or see if he talks in his sleep.
Aeris: Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear... okay, i admit it... i was straining to listen... anyway, if the other 2 girls were doing the same thing, no problems, hey?
Tifa: You're right!
Cloud: Let me guess, no need to ask, but, I'm the third, right?
Tifa: You're right...
Aeris: There was no need to ask.
Cloud: You know, i REALLY wish we'd already met Yuffie at this point...
Cronie: Yo, *&%$%$£, the Don is ready for you now!
(*All go up to the Don's room*)
Corny: Oh boy!
Cloud (*Whisper*): Have i been rumbled?
Corny: hmm... this one... this one... or this one... ah... for tonight, it shall be... HER!
(*Corny points at Cloud*)
Cloud: Uh... m-me? (*gulp*)
Corny: You boys can have the other 2! This one is MINE!
(*Cloud is taken down to Corny's 'special' chambers, which look like some psychodelic 60's love-den*)
Corny: C'mon! Gimme a kiss!
Cloud: Uh... o-okay then...
Corny: My, my... you're so muscular!
(*Cloud leans over to Don Corny, just as Aeris and Tifa bust in*)
Tifa: Ew! Gross! Cloud, you weren't...?
Cloud: Of course not!
(*Cloud throws off the female clothing, and Corny gasps*)
Corny: Now it makes sense... wow, i think this is a new beginning for me!
Cloud: Eugh! Now, tell us why that guy was there!
Tifa: Spill it... or...
Aeris: I'll bite them off!
Corny: Ooh! Kinky! But I'm under a lot of pressure too...
Cloud: Save it... what was it all about!
Tifa: Tell us... or...
Cloud: I'll mince them!
Corny: NOOOOO! I still can't tell you... they've got ways of keeping you alive for months... MONTHS!
Tifa: Quit holding out... or...
Tifa: I'll crush them with a stelleto heel!
Corny: All right! You win! the Shine-Ra wanted me to find out where MUDSLIDE was based! Heh heh heh... then, they're gonna squish them under the big pizza! You know it's a peperoni slice?
Tifa: WHAT? We've got to do something!
(*All rush to leave*)
Corny: Wait a minute!
Cloud: Shut it!
Corny: This'll only take a moment... why do you think a sleaze-ball like me would tell you all this?
Cloud: (options) Because you really like the look of Cloud, and wanna hit on him\ Because you were dropped on your head as a child\ you were born with only one testicle\ you're going to drop us into the sewers, where we'll have to fight some big monster? (Chose 'you're going to drop us...')
Corny: Well, it WAS going to be the first one, but that last one's a damn good idea!
(*Corny drops them all into the sewers*)

[keated]

(*Corny drops them all into the sewers, meanwhile, in the president's office...*)
President: Well, we need rid of MUDSLIDE... so we'll blow up a chunk of the city to kill them.
Reef: Uh... isn't that a little... extreme?
Lowdigger: Nope! Big explosions! Great fun! We can add a firework display, and tell people to bring the kids!
President: That's not quite what I had in mind. We drop the pizza on them. A peperoni slice.
Lowdigger: Gyahahahaha!
President: See to it.
(*Lowdigger and Reef leave*)
President: Heh heh heh... and then we send in the rescue team, care of Shinra... in case there's any pies buried down there... (Mhm, I love pies!)
(* Cloud gets up, and nudges Tifa and Aeris*)
Cloud: Oh great, what ELSE could go wrong? I mean, look at my dress! It's RUINED! Those stains won't come out... uh... not that i care... really...
(*Distant rumble, getting closer*)
Tifa: What was that?
(*Apper appears*)
Apper: Grrrrrrrrr!
Cloud: Time to kick his (wait for it...) Apps...
Apper: Grrrrrrrr!
(*Cloud uses a limit break, and kills Apper*)
Tifa: That was like, SO hard!
Cloud: Yeah... now, let's get going!
Aeris: Ooh! Sparkly!
(*'recieved "Yoink" Hysteria'*)
Tifa: Cloud... let's GO!
Cloud: Huh? Oh, right... the pizza!
(*They run through the sewers, and end up in the train graveyard*)
Aeris: This is the Train Graveyard, isn't it?
Cloud: Whatever gave you that idea? I mean, I'm serious? Was it all the trains, or all the ghostie enemies we keep running into up here?
(*They walk to the end of the graveyard*)
Tifa: There's no way out!
Aeris: Look, perhaps some of the trains still work?
Cloud: Uh... why don't we just climb up that train at the end?
(*They climb up, and run to the pillar, there is gunfire above. Wedge comes crashing down, leaving a small crater*)
Wedge: Wow! My fat *** broke my fall!
Tifa: Wedge... you're all right?
Wedge: Never better... any chance of some nachos?
Tifa: Aeris, you're too wussy to climb the tower, right?
Aeris: Hey! I just gotta... uh... go back home to check on Mom...
Tifa: Whatever, anyway, there's a girl in my Bar, take her somewhere safe, wouldya?
Aeris: Sure... YAY! A decent reason NOT to go up there...
(*Tifa ans Cloud begin to climb the pillar*)
Biggs: Hey Cloud, nice timing... feel like stopping this pillar from collapsing?
Cloud: You betcha!
(*Cloud starts to climb up again*)
Jessie: Hey Cloud! Nice to know you're the last thing I'll see!
Cloud: (options) Don't say last\ ... (Chose 'Don't say last')
Jessie: It's okay... although it's a kick in the teeth to die a vir- oh, hi Tifa.
(*Cloud and Tifa continue climbing, until they reach to top, where Basset is frantically firing at another ergonomically-incorrect helicopter*)
Basset: Shi-it Tifa, you coulda got here sooner!
Tifa: Well SOR-RY!
Basset: Get equiped... don't worry... we've got plenty of time. Press the triangle button to-
Cloud: Button? Basset, are you high on something?
Basset: Whatever... here they come!
Tifa: Actually, it's just one person...
(*Renault jumps down, and presses the button*)
Renault: There we go... honestly, don't see why they couldn't send just one repair worker to do this subtly...
Basset: You *$%*&$%!
Renault: Although you can't disarm it, you've gotta go through me to get to it!
(*The first fight against Renault begins*)
Cloud: I'm glad we stocked up on grenades!
(*After a couple of dozen grenades, Renault sags a little*)
Renault: I'm not beaten. Really. I... uh... just remembered I left something cooking...
(*Renault jumps from the pillar, missing the waiting helicopter by a matter of feet*)
Tifa: Cloud... can you shut it down?
Cloud: Me? I never got past page two of 'Computers For Dummies'!
(*Another ergonomically-incorrect rises.*)
Tsing: I Wouldn't mess with that if I was you.
Cloud: Oh, and why's that?
Tsing: Well... because you might find a way to stop it... anyway, I'm off with Bo-Peep
Aeris: Don't worry Tifa... She's safe! Hi Cloud... some bodyguard YOU are...
Tsing: Oh... you've RUINED the effect now!
(*Tsing slaps Aeris, before flying off*)
Tifa: You know, i think we should probably get out of here...
Basset: Oh look! A handy rope!
(*Everyone climbs on, and they swing to... relative... safety*)
Basset: 'JESSIE! BIGGS! WEDGE!
Tifa: He was killed by a giant slice of peperoni pizza...
Cloud: It was the way he would have wanted to go.
Tifa: Even his fat *** couldn't save him from that...
Basset: MAR-LEEEEEENE!!!!
(*Basset runs off*)
Cloud: Should we tell him?
Tifa: Nah... he's happier when he's pissed off...
(*Cloud shrugs, and follows Basset slowly, catching up with him quickly*)
Basset: Marlene...
Tifa: Hey, chill Basset... Aeris said that 'She's safe!'
Basset: Aeris? Aeris? Who the %&$* is Aeris?
Tifa: That girl in the helicopter...
Basset: Ah, what the hell... anything to believe she's alive!
Tifa: Ooh! Look! Another sparkly!
(*'Recieved "Lookie, Lookie!" Hysteria*)
Basset: I know! Let's go to that Aeris' house, and grill the mom for information about Marlene!
Cloud: Cool idea!
(*They wander to Aeris' house, spending enough time leveling up to get Cloud's Meatballs-Rain limit*)
Aeris' Mom: Oh... it's you...
Cloud: Hey, don't suppose Aeris dropped a kid off here?
Aeris' Mom: Yeah. I mean, what: does she think, I'm running a daycare centre here?
Basset: Lemme see her! Lemme see her!
Aeris' Mom: Upstairs, first on the left.
(*Basset moves so fast he leaves smoking footprints*)
Tifa: Uh... I've got some kinda bad news... Aeris got captured by the Shine-Ra
Aeris' Mom: Oh... again? Damn. Oh, you'll be wanting to know why she looks nothing like me, right? Well, it's like this... I found her in the cabbage patch. I knew right away she was weird or something, 'cos she kept trying to talk to the cabbages.
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris' Mom: Well, my hubby was away, and i was lonely... Then she said he was dead, and of course i grounded her for a week, but the next week i got a letter saying 'Sorry, you're husband fell down a well, whilst raiding a village, and is dead.'... oh, and the SHine-Ra are always after her. She knows she's from the cabbage patch, a cabbage patch kid as it were, but, unfortunately, i never got round to telling her the NORMAL way that parents get lumped with children.
Cloud: Ugh?
(*Basset comes down the stairs*)
Basset: Come on! Let's go and get Aeris
Tifa: Um... one thing... how do we get to the topping of the pizza?
Basset: I'm sure there's a way... come on let's go to Floor Market to see if there's anything we can use there.
(*They go back to Floor Market, and find the long pipe up*)
Cloud: Hey! You saw that from Aeris' house, didn't you!
(*They climb up, until they get to an unworking piece of machinery*)
Cloud: Okay, we tried, let's just give up and go back down...
(*Basset kicks the machinery, which springs into life*)
Cloud: OR, i guess we could do that...
(*They contine to climb up the pipe*)

[keated]

(*They contine to climb up the pipe*)
Tifa: Woah! Look! The Shine-Ra building!
Basset: Let's bust in the front way!
Cloud: With Tifa with us, is it possibly NOT to 'Bust' in?
Tifa: Hey! They're natural, i tell you! And we should go in the back entrance!
Cloud: Sure they are, Tifa. No, let's go in the front way, attracting as many random encounters as we can!
Basset: Yay! I love random violence!
(*Basset pokes his tongue out at Tifa, as his plan was chosen over Tifa's, before they burst in through the glass doors*)
Guard: It's MUDSLIDE!
[another] Guard: Yeah... uh... well, you attack them, and I'll see how you do... if you die, I'll quit, how's that?
[first] Guard: Okay! Sounds fine to me!
(*The first guard attacks Tifa, Basset and Cloud, while the other one runs for cover. Cloud, having leveled up, kills the guard in one hit*)
Cloud: Anyone else want a piece?
(*They run up to the elevators, and enter*)
Basset: Hey, Cloud, how come they haven't just, you know, cut the rope, and let us smash to our deaths rather than sending really REALLY easy enemies at us? I mean, call me Mr. Silly, but, if they're willing to take down a slice of the pizza...
Cloud: I REALLY wish you hadn't said that!
(*The elevator goes crazy, and many random battles ensue. They eventually reach the top, miraculously unscathed*)
Cloud: Look! Guards in red!
(*These guards attack, and drop a keycard*)
Cloud: Why would you give a guard the keycard to the next level up? I mean, it kind of defeats the purpose, surely?
(*Cloud shrugs, before getting into the elevator, going up before getting out, into what looks like a large museum, with statues*)
Tifa: Looks like we've got to sneak past the guards... look for the openeing and then-
(*Cloud and Basset are already running at the guards, gun blazing and sword swinging. Tifa waits, tapping her foot and looking at her watch, while they kill them all, then sit down with a potion each*)
Tifa: Quite finished? Honestly... at this rate, we'll take out every guard in the building...
(*Cloud climbs the stairs, and ends up in what looks like a large lunchall*)
Cloud: Hey, gimme a keycard!
Worker: Sure! I've never seen you before, but here, take mine!
Cloud: Wow! Thanks!
(*Cloud goes back into the elevator, and goes up to the next level, before going to the mayor's office*)
Mayor: Who're you?
Cloud: We're MUDSLIDE, and we're going after President Shine-Ra
Mayor: Oh, cool! Here, take my keycard, this "Sentimental" Hysteria, and this bazooka i keep handy just in case anyone wants to get even with the fat man... heh heh heh
Cloud: Wow, thanks dude!
(*Cloud walks back to the elevator, and goes up a level*)
Cloud: Oh, look, metal sheets...
(*Cloud goes to the computer control*)
Computer: you can open three doors. No more. No less. Well, okay, less if you WANT to, but there's no point...
(*Cloud opens three doors, and ends up in a room with a bag in it. Inside is an oxy-accetaline torch, which he then uses to cut holes in the other doors, gaining the other items, the "Much" Hysteria and a "Pendant"*)
Cloud: Here, Tifa, take this
Tifa: Wow, what's it do? Protect against poison?
Cloud: No, it just looks sparkly...
(*Cloud gets back into the elevator, and goes up a level*)
Basset: Hey, Cloud, if we're looking for Aeris, how come we're spending so long on each level?
Cloud: Cos we'll only get one other chance to be here, and no one else will be then!
(*They enter the treadmil room*)
Tifa: Wow, i love a sweaty guy!
(*Basset and Cloud look at each other, before racing for the nearest treadmil. After a while, they gave up, and Cloud went to raid the lockers*)
Cloud: Hey, i'll pick up all this other useless junk, but let's leave this megaphone here, and not think about it until we're next here
Basset: Sounds like a great idea!
(*Cloud gets back on the elevator, and goes up another level, again aimlessly, and has to, on this floor, run around putting the toppings on a pizza, before getting the keycard to the next level*)
Cloud: Do Shine-Ra executives have to go through all this? If not, what's the point in making each keycard so easily accessible?
Basset: No one likes an impossible game...
(*Cloud gets back on the elevator, before going up a level*)
Basset: Ooh! Ooh! I'm really BUSTING here!
Cloud: you should have gone before we started!
Basset: I did, but, well... look, i had a big breakfast, okay? And i REALLY need to go!
Cloud: Oh, all right... look, there's a toilet over there...
(*Basset runs in, and, after some constipated sounds from inside, there is the sound of someone feeling very much relieved, before Basset comes out*)
Tifa: I REALLY hope you're going to wash your hands!
(*Basset does so, grumbling*)
Basset: You know, I'm sure i heard voices coming from in there...
(*Cloud looked into the cubicle, and looked horrified*)
Cloud: Basset! You could have flushed it!
Tifa: My GOD! It's over the rim!
Basset: Look up there! There's a vent!
Cloud: Bloody good thing too! I hate to immagine what that'd smell like...
Basset: That's where i heard voices from! Let's go see if I'm right!
Tifa: Oh well... at least that gigantic turd gives us something to climb up... but we ARE going down to the showers on the treadmil floor before we go anywhere else, understand?
(*Cloud climbed the mountainous turd, and into the vent, crawling along, until he could see the Shine-Ra executives sitting beneath him. Professor Mojo is wearing a psychodelic lab coat. Basset stretched his feet out onto the vent as the meeting below went on, and president complaining, and Basset scraping of some of the... substance... it had picked up, which fell onto an air-blowing machine below, just as the President finished his rant*)
Lowdigger: Wow, the **** really hit the fan that time!
President: Professor Mojo, how goes your research?
Mojo: Groovy baby! Aeris isn't as good as her mom, but we're making progress... i think we can work out where the Prommised Lard is in a few years time, with it's legendary rich salad dressings
President: And all that salad means a lot of life, meaning...
Rouge: Baka energy! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Mojo: I'm going to experiment with that groovy chick and a dimmer switch! Later dudes!
(*Mojo left, and Cloud, after as Tifa had insisted, taking a wash, followed up a floor, and then looking into the tank in Mojo's laboratory*)
Cloud: Bendover...
Tifa: Excuse me? This is NOT the time Cloud!
Cloud: Argh... I'm getting another mild headache!
Basset: Nutter...
Cloud: Bendover is Bob's... but... they said she was... they brought it here?
Basset: Gonna tell us more, or just mumble?
Cloud: Just mumble
Basset: Okay then
(*Cloud continues on, towards the staircase that professor Mojo just took*)
Tifa: Oh! look... a lion-ey thingy! Oh, and look! Another shiney!
(*'Recieved "Icky" Hysteria*)
Tifa: Ugh... oh well... let's go!
(*Cloud climbs the staircase as the 'lion-ey thingy' goes up in a lift. Cloud arrives upstairs, to see Aeris in a big fishtank*)
Cloud: Let her go!
(*The 'lion-ey thingy' gets moved into the same fishtank*)
Mojo: I'm helping two species on the brink of extinction survive... shagadellic baby YEAH!
(*The 'lion-ey thingy' mollests Aeris for a moment, until there's a flash, and the door opens*)
Lion-ey Thingy: Sorry about that... uh... just got a little carried away... (*pant pant*) it was just to put of Mojo... really...
Cloud: What's your name?
Lion-ey Thingy: Well, call me whatever the %&*$ you want, Hojo wascalling me Redex... like Fedex, but in lion-ey thingy form...
Mojo: Hello!? Are you still paying attention to me? Thankyou... ahem... aha! Now fight my super-hard boss type creature!!!
Redex: Ooh! It's been so long since i got to kick the fying crap out of anything, can i join your party?
Cloud: Don't see why we can't ALL fight... oh well... Tifa, you go and look after Aeris...
(*The battle begins, and, as soon as Cloud's limit is full, but not used, they kill the Boss type creature easily*)
Cloud: Boring!
Tifa: Oh! Look! Another shiney thingy!
(*'Recieved the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysteria'*)
Basset: Awite! Let's get outta here!
Cloud: Hey dude! Why not go and kill the Shinra executives while we're here?
Basset: Nah... leave SOMETHING to do tomorrow, or it's the job agency for us... and dya think YOU could get another job? I think not!
Cloud: When you put it like that...
(*Cloud heads down the stairs, and gets to one of the glass elevators*)
Aeris: You know, this reminds me of a book... mhm... chocolate!
(*Renault and Ford enter*)
Renault: Could you press 'up' please
Ford: So, anyway, i says to her 'you cant-'
Renault: Wait a minute! These are the guys that gave me the broken arm, thus why i asked them to press the button!
Ford: Really? I thought you said there were 50 Dark Dragons?
Renault: Uh... maybe i exagerated? A little? But, uh, these were the, uh, the guys in charge of them! (Yeah! As a lie, that'll work!)
Ford: Oh, all right then... you know your lips move when you do that?
Renault: Do what?
Ford: When you're thinking?
Renault: Oh, all right then (Smart ***...) anyway, I'm not thinking
Ford: I can tell
Renault: No, i mean I'm just mumbling!
Ford: Oh, okay then...
(*Tifa, Basset, Redex, Cloud and Aeris are taken up to see the President, who is in the middle of lunch*)

[keated]

(*Tifa, Basset, Redex, Cloud and Aeris are taken up to see the President, who is in the middle of lunch*)
President: Ah, if it isn't landslide
Basset: That's MUDSLIDE you &*%&%$
President: Whatever... (Mhm! Pies! I LOOVVVEEE pies! Mhm...)
Basset: So what're you gonna do, just sit there and stuff your face?
President: Yes! Well... okay, we're going to experiment with Aeris to find the Promised Lard... ah Lard... the only thing i love more than Pies...
Basset: You *&%&$*&!!! I'm gonna... hey! I aint finished!
(*Cloud and the others, including the struggling Basset, are dragged away*)
President: Strange... how does he pronounce that... i mean, it's not like '*&%&$*&' is even a real word... it's a load of... punctuation? Well, not letters... mhm... PIES!
(*Cloud and thre others are in some small cells... or possibly toilet cubicles with beds*)
Cloud: Wow... lucky me... trapped in a small enclosed space with Tifa
Tifa: Didja say something Cloud?
Cloud: Uh, no... not at all... uh...
Aeris: Hey, Cloud, eventhough you're a lousy body guard, you still want the payment?
Tifa: Payment? WHAT exactly are you being paid IN Cloud?
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris: Oh, i said I'd go out on a date with him once
Tifa: Oh... right...
Cloud: Aeris, what IS the Promised Lard?
Aeris: Oh, it's like a place, right, where there's meant to be whole meals growing on trees, and salad instead of grass and stuff... there's also 'Lard in a bun' trees, and stuff like that...
Cloud: Ugh! Well, let's all go to sleep (Woo Hoo! I get to say I've slept with Tifa!)
(*They go to sleep, and wake up. The door to Cloud's cell is open*)
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Cloud goes outside, sees the dead guard, searches him for keys, before kicking him hard in the groin to check that he's dead, before going back, unlocking the cells*)
Basset: Thanks Cloud... right, screw the 'employment for tomorrow'... i wanna kick his fat *** NOW!
(*Cloud follows the trail of blood upstairs*)
Cloud: Hey, look! Looks like Bendover went out for a stroll!
Basset: Let's carry on moving... i wanna kick that fat ***! You know, the one the President speaks out of?
(*Cloud hurries upstairs to the Presidents room/banquet hall*)
Basset: Will you look at that! The fat &*%$&*'s been killed!
Cloud: Only Bob can use that! That's his Mayonaisse Sword!
Basset: So... he keeps a spare? Wait a sec! With the President dead, that means... hmm... as I'm here, do I get to take over Shine-Ra?
(*Basset breaks out in a goofy grin, before another ergonomically-incorrect helicopter flies by the window*)
Basset: Damn... forgot about Rufus!
(*They run outside, in time to see and 8 year old, dressed in white, get off from a helicopter, which then flies away*)
Rufus: Hey! I'm Rufus, and now I'm in charge!
Basset: Argh! You *&$%*£&%*!
Cloud: Get out of here with Aeris!
Basset: Fine... has anyone else noticed that my authority seems to have been challenged?
(*Everyone appart from Cloud runs for it, down the stairs towards the elevators. Tifa stops*)
Tifa: I think I'm going to wait here for Cloud...
Basset: Uh, and what if he gets killed?
Tifa: Nah, I'm going to wait, on this monster infested floor, waiting for him... at least we'd get some quality time ALONE...
Basset: Sure, come on...
(*Basset, Redex and Aeris go into the glass elevator*)
Aeris: Phew... safe at last then...
Basset: Anyone else hear some kind of rumbling noise?
(*Hundred Bummer descends*)
Basset: ANOTHER boss fight? ALREADY?
(*They fight Hundred Bummer, killing it easily with lots of magic*)
Aeris: Thank goodness THAT'S over...
(*They wait. Aeris begins tapping a foot*)
Aeris: EXCUSE ME! Can we have the other one now?
Heli Bummer: Oh, sorry... dozed off there...
(*Heli Bummer descends and attacks, getting killed as easily, before they get to the bottom Basset looks out the front door*)
Basset: There's loads of them out there... we're trapped...
Redex: Wonder how that spiky-haired dude is gettin on...
(*Cloud is standing in front of Rufus*)
Rufus: You want to take me on? I've never lost
Cloud: What? You mean you complain until you get your own way?
(*Rufus breaks into tears*)
Rufus: Waah! Now I'm going to kill you! Or possibly just sue you! (*sniff*)
Cloud: Bring it on!
(*Rufus starts the fight, but Cloud just uses his Metaballs-Rain limit break*)
Rufus: Uh... I've got a company to run (*sniff sniff*)
(*Rufus gets into a helicpopter, before Cloud goes downstairs, bumping into Tifa*)
Cloud (*lies*): Sorry, didn't see you there Tifa
Tifa: Let's go down!
Cloud: UH... Tifa...
Tifa: Oh... sorry... uh... i mean go down the elevator with everyone else!
(*Cloud descends using the elevator. Tifa goes to talk to Basset and the others*)
Tifa: Come on!
Basset: Huh?
Tifa: Into this three-wheeler!
Basset: Where's Cloud?
Tifa: He'll be along in a minute!
(*They all get into the three-wheeler*)
Tifa: I'm driving!
Aeris: No, i am...
Basset: Girls, Tifa should drive... she's got a built in airbag...
Tifa: HEY! They're REAL!
Basset: Course they are... where the &*%$ is Cloud?
(*Cloud rides down the stairs on a motorbike, before smashing the window. Tifa follows on the three-wheeler. A biker gang come and harass the truck, not noticing Cloud swinging his Busted Sword around. The bike and three-wheeler stop at the end*)
Cloud: Hey, why don't we just drive off the end?
Basset: How suicidal ARE you?
Cloud: On a scale of 1-10?
Tifa: Save it... we've got bigger problems
Cloud: Okay, THIS time there's NO reason why we can't all fight this thing... so why are only 3 of us going to?
(*Balls of Steel attacks, and the party use bolt spells, having leveled up enough for bolt2, killing the Balls of Steel easily*)
Cloud: Bob's out there... I need to track him down, to settle the score!
Basset: Okie dokie. See ya.
Tifa: Basset! We're going too!
Basset: Fine... shall we climb down?
(*They climb down*)
Basset: Well, goodbye Blingar! Of course, I'm the leader
Tifa: Actually...
Aeris: We think...
Redex: Cloud...
Tifa: Should be...
Aeris: The leader...
Cloud: Huh?
Basset: All right... fine... be like that... see if i care... choose your group Cloud... safer to travel in smaller groups... Meet up in Panik
Cloud: Never heard of 'Safety in Numbers'?
Basset: No. Now, choose... and we're guessing it'll be Aeris and Tifa, right?
(*Cloud is accelerating over the horizon with Aeris and Tifa*)
Basset: So... Redex...
Redex: Let's just go to Panik, okay?
(*Cloud appears on the World Map*)

[keated]

(*Cloud appears on the World Map*)
Tifa: Bloody hell! Cloud, you're huge!
Cloud: I'm bigger than Blingar!
Aeris: come on... let's just go...
(*Cloud, Aeris and Tifa, after extensive leveling up, several hours worth, and gaining the "Cool Little Rockets" enemy skill on the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysteria, arive in Panik, before going to the inn. No one notices they're late.*)
Basset: Okay Cloud... what the &*%$ is goin' on?
Cloud: Well, it all started when i was... hmm... i think i was 16 or so... i wanted to join SAILOR, and be just like Bob... well, and for the attention from young women it allegedly gave... damn, did i just say that?
Basset: Get to the point!
Cloud: Sorry! I'm just trying to give you some background... but hey, don't blame ME if you don't understand it later... thereagain, someone who couldn't even understand Hysteria-
Basset: Yes, okay, have a good laugh at my expense...
Everyone else: Get to the point!
Cloud: SORRY! Anyway, it was the first chance I'd had to go back to Nibbleheim in... a while... i forget how long...
(*View changes from the Inn to the back of a truck, swinging and swaying*)
Cloud: Travelsick eh? No cure for being travelsick. Except to get out and walk, of course.
Travelsick Soldier: Are you trying... urk... to give me... urk... a subtle... urk... hint?
Cloud: Yes. The truck's stuck in the mud, and we need someone to get out and push.
Bob: Why don't you, Cloud?
(*Cloud does some squats*)
Cloud: Aww! Do i have to? Oh, did you hear? I got some new Hysteria... the "Sneaky" Hysteria...
Bob: Don't be such a kid... want the briefing?
Cloud: Yeah... I joined SAILOR to be like you! So i take any mission where i can proove myself, cos the war was over by the time i made first class
Bob: you talk about yourself too much... can't you see i just don't care? Anyway, you want the briefing?
Cloud: Okay then...
Bob: Okay, now, 5 years ago, the Shine-Ra put a Baka Reactor up on Mount Nibble. Coincidently, 5 years ago, Big Bad monsters started appearing
Travelsick Soldier: I'm not suspicious in the least
Bob: Shuddup. Anyway, we're here to repair the Baka Reactor, which got damaged by monsters, and to get rid of some of the monsters.
Cloud: Yay!
Driver: Uh... there's a fire-breathing dragon on the road... uh... it's looking at me funny...
Bob: I suppose we'd better kill it.
(*Bob sighs, before he and Cloud get out. Bob kills the dragon in a single hit, after having to revive Cloud twice. They got back in the Truck*)
Bob: Beats me why they sent someone like you with someone like me... it's not like i NEED you to be here for any reason...
(*They arrive at Nibbleheim*)
Bob: So, Cloud, how's it feel to be back in your home town? I don't have a hometown
Non-Travelsick Soldier: So, who's your parents then?
Bob: My mother is Bendover
(*Cloud and the two soldiers laugh*)
Bob: What's so funny?
Cloud: Uh... do you get out much?
Bob: No... the Shine-Ra don't let me. Speaking of which, feel free to wander round, break into people's homes and riffle through their stuff. We only need one guard.
Non-Travelsick soldier: Oh great... me again huh?
Bob: Yes, now don't complain.
(*Cloud wanders round Nibbleheim, into Tifa's house*)
Tifa: Did you go into my house Cloud?
Cloud: (Options) Uh... maybe...\ no! (Chose 'Uh... maybe...') I hoped you might be in...
(*Cloud runs upstairs, and into Tifa's room*)
Tifa: Did you go into my room Cloud?
Cloud: (options) maybe... \no! (Chose maybe) I was hoping you'd be in bed...
(*Cloud waggles his eyebrows, before going further into Tifa's room. He looks through the draws, and finds an underwear draw*)
Tifa: CLOUD! Did you look through my... things?
Cloud: (Options) Yeah, i found some orthopedic underwear\ Yeah, i found something long, thin and rubber \ uh, no, of course not (Chose 'Yeah, i found some orthopedic underwear)
Tifa: CLOUD! That's hardly relevant! You pervert!
(*Tifa slaps Cloud, before he goes back to the story, and the Cloud there goes over to the piano*)
Tifa: Did you play on my piano?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, a little\ Yeah, and i ROCKED!!! \ Um, no... \ Uh... you KNOW you said you were wondering WHY you're piano didn't work...? (Chose 'Yeah, a little')
(*Cloud plays some piano music badly*)
Cloud: Maybe I'll have one more go...
Tifa: Did you have another go?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, a little\ Yeah, and i ROCKED!!! \ Um, no... \ Uh... you KNOW you said you were wondering WHY you're piano didn't work...? (Chose 'Yeah, and i ROCKED!!!')
(*Cloud starts playing a decent tune on the piano, before launching into the piano part from '1000 Miles' by Vannessa Carlton*)
Tifa: You call THAT rocking?
Cloud: Well, i was younger then! Gee Tifa, gimme some credit here...
(*The scene returns to the story, and Cloud runs out of Tifa's house, and into his own*)
Cloud: Yo! Mom! I'm Ba-ack!
Cloud's Mom: Cloud! My, haven't you grown! Are they feeding you well?
(*The scene now flickers to the next one*)
Cloud's Mom: Hey Cloud, you know you should get up off your lazy *** one day and get yourself a girlfriend!
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: I'm not accusing you of anything, but, well... they say that those boys in SAILOR... swing the other way, and no son of mine is going to be that way inclined!
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Now, don't worry Cloud, I just arranged for someone to come round later to meet you. Now, be nice, but I'm paying her by the hour.
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Well, it's either that, or you get yourself a girlfriend... I'll bet all the girls in the city just can't keep their hands off you.
Cloud: Not really...
Cloud's Mom: Say, what you need is an older girlfriend to look after you.
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: Say, isn't Tifa older than you... hint hint?
Cloud: Mom! She's my childhood friend! Besides, you'd never GUESS what i found in her underwear draw!
Cloud's Mom: Uh... her... underwear draw?
Cloud: Uh-oh... busted...
(*The scene flickers again, and again, and again*)
Tifa: Cloud!?! You told your MOM about what you found in my underwear draws?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Tifa punches him*)
Tifa: Wow... i feel... SO much better now... why don't you try Aeris?
Aeris: Maybe later.
(*The scene goes back to the story, and Cloud, after a nights sleep, goes to the place next to the mansion, where a photographer is waiting*)
Cloud: Tifa? You're our guide?
Tifa: Yeah, got a problem with that? Anyway, i need the money to buy a new piano, since someone broke in and ruined it...
(*Cloud coughs, and avoids eye contact*)
Photographer: Please Mr. Bob, sir! Can i take a photo? Please?
Bob: ...
Cloud: Ah, it'll be fun!
Tifa: If I'm in it, then i think it's a good idea!
Bob: ...
Photographer: Please? I'll give each of you a copy!
Bob: Very well, if you insist...
Photographer: Great! Watch the Zemzellet!
(*Photographer pulls out a squeaky rubber Zemzellet, and takes a picture*)
Photographer: There... perfect... should take 1 hour to process...
Bob: Well, we're off to the Baka Reactor... back later.
(*Bob and Cloud set off, killing anything in their path with ease, until they get to the bridge*)

[keated]

(*Bob and Cloud set off, killing anything in their path with ease, until they get to the bridge*)
Non-travelsick Soldier: Hey, i know! So that we cause less stress to the bridge, we could all run across at once!
Bob: Sounds like a plan!
(*They run across in a group*)
Cloud: Oh crap
(*The bridge splits, and they lose the non-travelsick soldier*)
Bob: I tell you... I'm NOT being callous or evil! I just say let him rot in whatever Hell he's fallen into, 'cos we've got bigger fish to fry!
Cloud: Whatever, let's just GO, okay? Let's stay as a group, so we don't end up getting lost, huh?
Bob: sure.
(*They set off, through the caves, until they reach the Hysteria Fountain*)
Bob: Now, Cloud, do you know what THIS is?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: Ooh! Pritty!
Bob: It's a Hysteria Fountain. Do you remember how Hysteria is formed, Cloud?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Bob sighs at the lack of education in youngsters today*)
Bob: Condensed Baka becomes Hysteria!
Cloud: Oh, right, sounds logical i suppose...
Bob: Let's carry on!
(*Cloud carries on past, and eventually, after a few more pointlessly easy battles, even easier than normal, he comes to the Baka Reactor*)
Tifa: Ooh! Lemme in!
Travelsick Guard: Sorry, no unauthorised personel
(*Cloud and Bob enter, and go on to the furthest room, labelled 'Monster Ranch: enter at own risk'*)
Cloud: Uh, Bob, anything seem wrong to you?
Bob: Look inside... they're making Monsters!
Cloud: that'd explain my hairdo! Oh, look, someone put a sign up at the top... is that an order?
Bob: 'Bendover'... no... it's my mother... my mother... so... I... was I born like this?
Cloud: Have you been on the Baka again? Look, those monsters look NOTHING like you!
Bob: I... I think i'll go for a little research excursrion... to the library... in the Shine-Ra Mansion...
(*Bob reads all of the research notes in the Shine-Ra Mansion's Basement, and Cloud goes down, not wondering in the LEAST about how they got back with the bridge out...*)
Bob: Ooh! It's all your fault! I should rule the world... me and Mom, together... ha ha ha!
Cloud: Uh...
(*Bob flies past, and Cloud runs up to Nibbleheim, which Bob is pouring petrol on and whistling*)
Bob: Hey! You're early! Gimme a minute, huh?
(*Cloud goes downstairs, before coming back up, to see Nibbleheim on fire*)
Cloud: NO!!!
Zingy: Hey! You're still sane, right?
Cloud: as much as ever!
Zingy: Well, gimme a hand then!
(*Zingy and Cloud pull people out of the burning buildings, but they're all dead*)
Zingy: That was pointless! I think Bob went off back to the Baka Reactor... hey... where're YOU off to?
Cloud: Uh... OH! You mean the Baka Reactor ISN'T that way?
Zingy: No... that leads out AWAY from Mount Nibble
Cloud: Well... I'll just turn around then... heh heh heh...?
(*Cloud runs to the Baka Reactor, in time to see Bob kill Tifa's father, and Tifa go after him. Cloud runs after Tifa, into the Monster Ranch, in time to see Bob slice her. Cloud catches her*)
Cloud: Wow... i get a good feel while she's still just about conscious! Now i can die happy!
Tifa: You *&$%*£%! You're NOT allowed to die! Now kick Bob's *** for me, huh?
Cloud: Oh, okay then...
(*Cloud carries Tifa out of the way, before going into the Bendover room with Bob*)
Bob: Mommy! It's your big Bobby-wobby! Please, come on so we can spend quality time, and maybe take over the world a little
Cloud: Uh... Bob?
Bob: Ha ha ha! It's one of the little people! With spikey hair!
Cloud: Come on Bob! Why did you do it?
Bob: Well... it seemed like a good idea at the time...
Cloud: Ugh... DIE!
(*Cloud runs at Bob, sword raised*)
Basset: And then...?
Cloud: That's it... i dont remember the rest
Basset: WHAT? Damn, that was a good story! Too bad we don't have a campfire and marshmallows!
Redex: That's what I said... nevermind... there's the Cosmic 'Candle' scene later
Cloud: I don't know what happened... i mean, i was frankly crap then, so i couldn't have killed him.
Tifa: Bob IS dead! It was in all the papers! Well, all the Tabloids at least...
Cloud: Consider the source... Shine-Ra OWNS the papers!
Basset: Oh well... let's carry on... someone said they saw a guy in a cool black cape heading East... oh, and have a 72-10.
Cloud: Seventy two-ten?
Basset: Yeah, it's a nokia. A mobile phone?
Cloud: Where did you get that from?
Basset: I kind of borrowed 10 or so from the Shine-Ra building while we were waiting for you...
Cloud: Oh, okay then. Well, cya in Junior!
Basset: Yeah, cya then.
(*Cloud Departs Panik and heads for the Chocobo Ranch, before entering*)
Tifa: Look! Chocos!
Aeris: Ooh! Cute!
Cloud: Hiya Mr. Chocobo
Chocobo: Mornin'
Cloud: Uh...
Chocobo: Wanna see our dance?
Cloud: Uh... yeah, i guess
Chocobo: Ready?
(*There is a chorus of 'Wark's, and the chocobos start Riverdancing, thowing the "Choco-mog" Hysteria to Cloud, in achnowledgement of a good audience*)
Cloud: Uh
Chocobo: Wark?
Cloud: Did that just happen? CAN you talk?
Chocobo: No. Damn, I mean Wark.
Cloud: Oh... okay then. I'm not suspicious in the least.
(*Cloud goes into the Ranch House, to talk to Chocobo Bill*)
Bill: Ey up! You never asked about anything, but i saw this guy wearing a cool cloak, and he walked across the Marsh... hope he's okay, and didn't get attacked by the Blingar Pompom. You need a chocobo to get across safely you know. Hint hint.
Cloud: Uh, okay...
Bill: go into the big warehouse to find out more!
(*Cloud leaves the house, and enters the warehouse/barn*)
Cloud: I need a chocobo
Billy: Tough... we're fresh out.
Cloud: But i just saw a load outside!
Billy: Look again
(*Cloud looks again, and the chocobos have gone*)
Billy: You need a chocobo lure to get a chocobo of your own.
Cloud: Oh... okay then
Billy: That'll be 5000 Gil please
Cloud: Ha! Sparechange! After all that leveling up, I'm SO rich!
Billy: Whatever... anyway... here ya go!
(*Cloud goes out and, after being nearly pecked to death by the indestructible chocobos, manages to catch one, before running across the swamp, and into a scene at the end*)
Tifa: Oh my... someone killed that big snake!
Cloud: Wait a second... how can that be THE Blingar Pompom? WE saw one, and it was chasing us all the way here!
Aeris: Don't think about it too hard. Afterall, why should it make sense?
Cloud: Anyway, only Bob could have done this!
Tifa: Or a big, mecha-style robotty thing
Cloud: Yes, or a big mecha-style robotty thing
Aeris: Or a superhero
Cloud: Yes, or a superhero
Tifa: But not spiderman
Cloud: No, but not spiderman
Aeris: Well, not that MANY superheroes really...
Cloud: No, not that many superheroes really
Tifa: Could have been a load of Shine-Ra troops
Aeris: The kind we kill so easily?
Tifa: The very same
Cloud: Yes, it could have been a load of Shine-Ra troops
Aeris: And Cloud's not listening
Cloud: No, and Cloud's not list- hey! I am so!
(*They leave, and enter the Mythril Mine, before going to grab the "Tee Hee, I Can Hide" Hysteria, and then going to leave*)

[Wind]

no-one is reading this

[keated]

maybe not anymore, but hey, you're the only person to say they aren't so

bsides, i will continue to believe that people may be, until the only 2 ppl 2 get in contact with me about it say that they aren't reading it...

incidently, speaking of not reading it, don't suppose you noticed the first post, did you? About posting in the OTHER thread... -o-; honestly, why do i bother

anyway, while there's the chance that one person is reading this, and finding it amusing, i shall contine to post: It is all worth it for but one person

[incidently, did YOU read it, and if so, what'd you think? Gonna gimme my first bad review? lol]

[keated]

(*They leave, and enter the Mythril Mine, before going to grab the "Tee Hee, I Can Hide" Hysteria, and then going to leave*)
Ford: So, Ferrari, how're you finding working as a Greek?
Ferrari: Great... wow, if I'd known it was this good, I would have kicked Renault's *** myself!
Ford: Let's not get carried away... hey! It's them!
Ferrari: Oh... right... I thought something about 50 Dark Dragons was mentioned?
Ford: Well, Renault says they were in charge of them.
Ferrari: Oh... well, why didn't they fly over the mountains to Junior harbour, where Bob is headed? Oh BUGGER!
Tsing: Ferrari, you talk too much... SHUDDUP!
Ferrari: Sorry Tsing, sweetie...
Tsing: Uh...
Ferrari: Well, it's our job to get in their way as much as possible... wait, don't they get in our way? Perhaps it's a two way thing?
Tsing: Ferrari... just leave it, okay?
Cloud: Outta our way!
Tsing: Well fine... oh, nice to see you again Aeris... come on Greeks, let's move out...
(*The Greeks move out*)
Cloud: Aeris, you know him?
Aeris: Kind of... we were in that helicopter a long time...
(*Cloud runs out from the Mythril Mines, and back onto the world map*)
Cloud: Lookout world: Cloud the giant is back!
(*Cloud runs up to Fort Big Bird, a mountain with a big, yellow bird squatting on top*)
Guy Outside: Hey, wanna help save the Big Bird?
Cloud: No, I'll pass
Guy Outside: But he only lays eggs once every 200 years!
Cloud: No I'll pa- uh... HE?
Guy Outside: Well, that's WHY he only lays them ever 200 years... I mean, it's GOTTA be painful
Cloud: Uh... I'll still pass
Guy Outside: But we're standing against the Shine-Ra!
Cloud: Oh COOL! Let's help!
(*They go inside, and up the rope*)
Drunk Guy at Table: Heh? Whassafootlit?
Cloud: Uh... we want to help?
Drunk Guy: I ain't your mama... (*snore*)
Voice From Above: If you want to help, come up here!
(*Cloud goes up*)
Guy In Charge: Okay, you can either help us fight, give us money, or both.
Cloud: MY money? Ha! No way... I'll take over this battle...
(*Cloud takes over, and places no units, allowing the Shine-Ra to get right up to the top, so he gets to fight, kicking the *** of the monster*)
Cloud: Problem solved
(*Cloud goes downstairs, and makes his way to Junior, through the forests, and a battle with an unknown assailant begins. Cloud uses Meatballs-Rain, and the battle is finished*)
Yuffie: You &*%&$%£! Come on! I'll take you all on again!
Cloud: (options) Hell yeah! Kick your *** all over again!\ Nah, there's only so much defeat you can deal out in a day (Chose 'Nah, there's only...')
Yuffie: Ha! Scared that this time I'll kick your ***, huh?
Cloud: (options) Oh yeah, it's sore in anticipation\ right here! (*Slaps ****) (Chose 'Oh yeah, it's sore...')
Yuffie: Well, I'm off... cya!
Cloud: (options) Buh-bye\ (*Attack from behind*)\ Oh, don't be like that (Chose 'Oh, don't be like that)
Yuffie: You want my brilliant skills, huh?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, which is why we beat the living CRAP outta you\ Where were YOU when i needed you, in Corny's place?\ Sure, why not (Chose 'Sure, why not')
Yuffie: All right, you've convinced me!
Cloud: (options) Wow, wasn't THAT hard\ DAMN!\ What's you're name?\ Let's just leave, okay? (Chose 'let's just leave, okay?')
Yuffie: You don't even know my name!
(*Cloud, Tifa and Aeris walk off*)
Yuffie: It's YUFFIE! YUUUUUUUFFFFFFIIIIIIEEEEEEE! (Oh well... now i get to steal me some Hysteria... nyuk nyuk nyuk... damn, hope they didn't hear that!)
(*Cloud arrives in Junior*)
Aeris: Ooh look! The beach! Let's go for a paddle!
(*They go down to the beach*)
Tifa: Hey, look, a little girl!
Little Girl: *%&$ off, nasty Shine-Ra people!
Cloud: Oh, we're so blatently NOT
(*Cloud pouts*)
Little Girl: Get out of here, or Mr. Dolphin'll get you!
Cloud: Yeah, like I'm scared of a dolphin!
Little Girl: MR. DOLPHIN!
(*Tentacles of a giant squid rise out of the water*)
Little Girl: Who ever said he was a dolphin?
Cloud: Uh... don't you think that'll give it a complex? Oh no! Look behind you!
Little Girl: Yeah, like i'll be fooled by THAT!
(*A bigger monster appears behind, and attacks Cloud and the Little Girl, which Cloud kills easily, having got his limit break ready outside Junior*)
Old Geezer: Priscilla! You *&%*$%* hurt her!
Cloud: Did not!
Old Geezer: You know CPR?
Cloud: Huh?
Old Geezer: Just purse your lips and blow, okay?
Cloud: Woah! Steady on mate!
Old Geezer: INTO HER LIPS! To get some air in her lungs!
Cloud: Oh... right...
(*Cloud fills his lungs totally, to near bursting point, and deposits it into Priscilla, meaning her SMALLER lungs should have burst. When she's breathing, the Old Geezer runs off with her*)
Cloud: Call THAT gratitude?
(*Cloud follows*)
Old Geezer: She needs to rest
Old Woman: Come into my house and rest up.
Cloud: Okay... wahey! Free room and board!
(*Cloud gets some sleep, and wakes up to the sound of a parade from above*)
Cloud: What's going on... and how about some coffee here?
(*Cloud gets up, and visits Priscilla*)
Priscilla: HEY Cloud... wow... thanks for rescusing me...
Cloud: Uh... that's okay
Priscilla: Well, here, have this piece of Hysteria...
(*'Recieved "Icy Babe" Hysteria'*)
Priscilla: I hope you think about me whenever you use it
Cloud: Uh... are you... wearing makeup... and high heels?
Priscilla: Yes
Cloud: Uh...
Priscilla: You don't like it?
Basset (*Outside*): What IS it with Cloud? I mean, why is he so attractive, when i can't even get a date?
Redex (*Outside*): Don't know...
Basset: Although, i guess he IS kinda hot...
Redex: Uh... could you just take a few steps away from me? Please? Come any closer and i bite you! I mean it!
Yuffie: Yeah... mhm... your fur is SO soft...
(*Cloud comes out... of the house.*)
Cloud: How do we get up there?
Priscilla: Use Mr. Dolphin.
(*Cloud goes to the water*)
Basset: Gimme the 72 10! We don't want it getting damaged, huh?
Cloud: Okay... don't sell it!
Basset: Okay!
Cloud: And DON'T read my messages? Okay? Or contacts... in fact, keep it switched off!
Basset: What's wrong with your messages?
Cloud: Just don't ask, okay? Anyway, there's a PIN on it, so there!
(*Cloud pokes out his tongue, before handing over the 72 10, and then climbing Mr. Dolphin's tentacles, up into the structure of Junior Harbour. Cloud ends up on the runway, and makes his way in*)

[keated]

(*Cloud pokes out his tongue, before handing over the 72 10, and then climbing Mr. Dolphin's tentacles, up into the structure of Junior Harbour. Cloud ends up on the runway, and makes his way in*)
Commander: Hey! Whaddya ya think you're doin?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Cloud shrugs*)
Commander: Well, just get in here in uniform, okay?
Cloud: Uniforms? Oh, okay... I'll just go with the flow this time...
(*Cloud goes in, and gets changed in front of the 2 Shine-Ra soldiers and the commander already in there*)
Cloud: Uh... Shine-Ra troops are unisex, right?
Commander: That's right...
Cloud: I was WONDERING why this uniform had a built in D-cup...
Commander: why don't you change uniform? I'm sure there's a male one...
Cloud: Are you kidding? I think I'll hang onto this!
Commander: Uh...
Soldier 1: Hey, aren't we going to go through the moves?
Commander: Oh... phew... that's right... okay, just do what they do...
(*The 2 soldiers go through a series of moves. Cloud copies*)
Solider 2: Now all we need is a finishing move!
Commander: We'll let the weird newbie choose!
(*Cloud does his victory sword-swing*)
Both Soldiers: Woah!
Commander: Right! That one it is!
Soldier 1: Uh... wasn't it painful?
Cloud: Huh?
Soldier 1: Well... obviously you had to practice... i mean, did you use a wooden sword?
Soldier 2: That'd still hurt!
Soldier 1: Yeah, but you'd have a head left to know it did...
Soldier 2: Isn't that a bad thing?
Solider 1: Well, i think I'D rather live!
Commander: Oh, stop arseing about! We're late for the parade! Oh crap!
(*They all run after the parade, before taking a shortcut, and catching up from an alleyway*)
Commander: Okay, now don't make me look bad! Use back entry, and try not to be noticed!
Solider 1: Uh... this is a port... with sailors... uh... i don't think that's a great way to phrase it...
Commander: Oh, just GO!
(*The commander shoves the first soldier, who pegs it into a rank at the back, before the second, more voluntarily, follows*)
Commander: Your turn!
(*Cloud runs out into the parade, unnoticed, and manages to sneak his way to the end of the parade.*)
Commander: You need more practice for the final bit!
Cloud: No i don't!
Commander: Oh... okay then.
(*Cloud goes along to the end, and along to the ship*)
Commander: Oh boy... Lowdigger is in a SERIOUSLY bad mood... oh man, my *** is SO on the line here... right... just do what i tell you lot, okay?
(*Commander starts giving orders, which Cloud follows*)
Lowdigger: Hmm... not bad... hey, for no reason other than favouritism, give that soldier, who seems to be a D-cup, and slightly spikey hair sticking up out from her helmet... woah, she looks so fit!
Cloud: Uh... what?
Lowdigger: Sorry... here, as i was saying, have a sword you probably can't use!
Cloud: Uh... thanks...
(*Lowdigger gets on the ship, and Cloud follows, into the hold*)
Cloud: Oh no! I'm on my own... I'm SO worried...
Yuffie: Urk...
Cloud: Huh?
Yuffie: Sorry... I'm feeling travelsick... Urk...
Cloud: Hmm... i guess i could guess how that feels...
Aeris: Hey Cloud!
Cloud: Hi Aeris... wasn't expecting to see you all here... did you all have to use Mr. Dolphin?
Aeris: Hell no! We took the easy way up, stupid!
Cloud: Typical... oh well...
Aeris: Why don't you see how everyone else is, up top.
Cloud: Good idea.
(*Cloud goes up top, where not very much is happening*)
Tifa: Whattya think Cloud?
Cloud: Woah... you look REALLY good in a sailor's uniform!
Tifa: Cloud! Not here!
Redex: I look good as a human, huh? No one's managed to tell yet!
(*Redex's tail swings out the back*)
Cloud: Uh... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Basset: Yo Cloud!
Cloud: Uh... Basset...
Basset: Yeah?
Cloud: Uh...
Basset: They ran out of uniforms in the fancy dress shop...
Cloud: That still doesn't explain why-
Basset: This was all they had in my size!
Cloud: Uh... you... kept the fairy wings, the tiara, and magic wand?
Basset: If i don't return it all in one piece, i have to pay for the repairs! And besides, without them, i just look like a ballet dancer, in a pinky coloured spandex!
Cloud: Okay... you wanted to talk to me about something?
Basset: Let's go!
Cloud: Uh...
Basset: I saw where Lowdigger went!
Cloud: Oh, okay yhen... let's go!
(*Basset and Cloud creep up to the window*)
Lowdigger: God, it was SO funny when that piece of pizza fell!
Basset: They're talking about Blingar?
Rufus: Ha, i only saw it on action replay
Basset: Grr... he came onto the scene, just when i thought we'd done it...
Lowdigger: Your old man knew how to get ridda rubbish, i'll say that!
Basset: RUBBISH? GRR! I'm REALLY getting &*%&$* off about this!
Rufus: Seems like there was lots of it
Basset: GRR! I'm gonna bust in there and bust me some ***!
(*Basset stands up, about to start shouting*)
Lowdigger: Well, yeah, I mean, he was always eating... lots of wrappings.
Rufus: He installed a pretty big bin... with one of those cool shreddy things at the bottom...
(*Basset quickly crouches down embarrased, before an alarm goes off*)
Rufus: Oh... looks like Bob's on board... Go and handle it, eh Lowdigger?
Lowdigger: Uh... sure thing, boss...
(*Cloud and Basset return to the others*)
Cloud: Bob's on board!
Basset: Yay! Now i get to remove this excess aggression!
Redex: Ditto! Plus build on my limit...
Basset: Ooh! I forgot about that!
Cloud: Look, just stop it, okay?
Yuffie: Urk?
Cloud: Okay... now, I'm going to choose you for your abilities, and not just 'cos I've got it saved here, and want to know what each one of you does in Costa Del Much...
(*Cloud and his team go down to the lower deck*)
Aeris: Ooh! Look! Another sparkly "Much" Hysteria!
(*Cloud enters the door at the end, and after nabbing the weapon on the platform above, goes to the guard standing in the middle of the floor*)
Tifa: He's the only one left alive? Well... apart from the ones we've just been fighting, i mean...
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*The guard turns around and drops to his knees, before Bob appears*)
Bob: ha ha ha! Now mommy, we're gonna go to the promised Lard... and then pig out... and then... well, then we'll see about perhaps a little light world domination...
Cloud: Bob? Do you remember me? (Wait a second... if he DOES, then it's the same Bob that burnt Nibbleheim, so do i really WANT him to remember?)
Bob: No Cloud, i don't
Cloud: Then how did you know my name? Huh?
Bob: It's on the top of that little blue box... anyway, I'm off... see ya!
(*Bob flies away, leaving a twitching tentacle behind, which turns into Bendover Birth*)
Bendover Birth: Waah!
Tifa: We can't fight a babie, can we?
(*Bendover Birth leaps at her, jumping onto her face*)
Cloud: Ah, whatever... I've got Meatballs-Rain... let's kick it's ***!
(*Cloud uses his limit break, killing Bendover Birth*)
Aeris: Ooh! A sparkly red thing!
(*'Recieved "Hot 'N' Horny Dude" Hysteria*)
(*They leave*)