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Old October 1st, 2011, 05:09 AM   #151
mike2
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hey guys I really need some help right now in the writing department, I feel that although I like the characters I've created the story is just not there, feels way to cliche and it feels unimaginative
So here's a few ideas that i put together and perhaps you guys could help me develop

the world has come to an end, mostly all of humanity is gone. Swept away by what is only described as the darkness our main character is the only survivor left (well at least thats what he thinks). The story starts a yr after the fall of humnaity, our main protagonist has become adapted to life alone and seems to be able to be able to avoid the darkness when it comes, however being along has caused him to go slightly mad, he begins to talk to himself constantly for support and sense of belonging. However one day after evading the darkness he comes across 2 survivors a guy and a girl, together they try and survive and make best of their situation and look for more survivors. Their search for survivors stretches accross the globe however also leads them closer to finding out what the darkness is and how they can defeat it

An island is used as a large holding ground for prisoners, described as prison without bars. Our main protagonists is a skilled assassin, he is asked to infiltrate the prison and assassinate a certain prisoner, however the only way into the prison is too be sent there. So he commits a crime and is sentenced to life on the island. However when he gets there he realises his job is alot harder than he first thought. The prison itself is governed by factions or gangs, who all compete in fighting tournaments, for points which act as currency, and the price for freedom is $1000000000. Also his main target is what is known as an endorsed fighter, which means large politicians/business men have lots of money riding on him to win making him untouchable. The only way for our protagonist to kill him is to face him in the tournament . Also our protagonist's main escape plan becomes redundant as the escape route he bought was infact a dud. So his only way out and to finish the job is to fight in the tournaments and gain enough credits to be sent free, as well as kill his target.

The main protagonist is dying from a disease, several doctors have examined him yet none can diagnose his illness nor give him anything to treat it with. Through sheer desperation our main protagonist goes to a witch doctor, who tells him that he is suffering from a sickness of another world and the only way to cure it is to find this ancient treasure. Following the witch doctors advice the main protagonists joins up with a crew of sky pirates who are looking for an ancient treasure which seems to be the same thing that our protagonist is searching for.

Creativity is power, a scientist invents a device which allows users to draw designs which then are physically manifested, of course limited to only non organic items and the users creativity. the government sees this as an important creation and tries to keep it a secret by murdering the scientists adn slowly cutting ties off to the rest of the world and oppressing its countrymen as they ready fro world domination. This causes for the creation of underground courier gangs who send and delivery goods in and out of the country such as dvds, xboxs, games, anything that has become contraband. However these gangs are not friendly with each other as they make money off every delivery, so if another gang makes deliveries outside their city, its considered war and so on.
There are 5 cities and 5 main gangs each heading each city, deliveries between cities are headed by the neutral courier service who our main protagonists is a part of. Anyway the main protagonist and his gang are sent to deliver a package of contraband material from one city to another, however the package is mixed up after an accident with a government official truck and so in order to avoid suspicion our main protagonist and his crew grab what they believe is to be the package and retreat till the cost is clear to finsih the delivery. However the package is torn abit and curiosity gets the better of the main character, who opens it, to find 3 arm devices, which have a screen and what looks like a stylus. After abit of experimenting he realises whatever is drawn on the device is created in real life.
This gives the neutral group a chance to take over the rest of the gangs in country, however the government soon catch on and realise that the devices have leaked, and begin to chase after the neutral group. As the neutral group learn of the government plans, their initial idea to take over all the gangs for money, change as they decide to unite all the gangs to defeat the government and bring freedom back to the people. However, most gangs prefer the way the country is as they are able to profit from the sales of easily obtainable goods which are otherwise legal in all other countries, furthermore the governments' spies in the gangs and the stronger government officials are also on the tails of the neutral group.
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Old October 1st, 2011, 07:44 AM   #152
Vaikyuko
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You have what appears to be several different stories, here, so I'd try and keep yourself from making a story too big for its own good. You have:

1. post apocalyptic tale of people fighting the (apparently) supernatural
2. assassin / deadly sports prison story
3. fighting the impossible disease by finding the fantastical MacGuffin
4. the courier story

Honestly, of all these, they're not too bad. I think the weakest is the disease story because it would invite you to have a protagonist who is either passive and weak or potentially very selfish at the beginning, which might not make for an enthralling story. I'm also unsure of the "mundane" aspect (a terminal illness) mixing with the fantastical (sky pirates, etc) because to me a terminal illness would imply something he could not physically cope with and which would cause major problems in the course of his travel with them. I'm not sure what kind of sky pirate style you're going for, be it FFXII, traditional, Treasure Planet, etc, but yeah.

Now, as for the other stories...

1. The darkness story needs more fleshing out. What is the darkness? Is it a disease? A supernatural entity like Cthulhu, something incomprehensible but which can be named and partly understood, maybe even at the expense of the self? You clearly want it to be post-apocalyptic if almost everyone is dead, but it's not really explained why they're dead. "Swept away" -- does that mean it's a virulent plague, or some kind of monster cloud thing collecting people? Or collecting their souls? Too ambiguous for its own good, but could very well be a decent little And I Must Scream type horror fiction piece. Reminds me a tad of the Slender Man Mythos.

2. Prison tournament idea is good. You have enough of a unique twist on the typical "prison/street fight" genre that it can go far. It looks to be the most ironed out in terms of concept, but still has some issues. If he's a skilled assassin, why is he so easily duped with a fake escape route? If this prison is so notorious for being inescapable and dangerous, why would he even bother with this job? Did he do no research on his target that he thinks it's a good idea to kill such an established person? Who is requesting the hit in the first place? Obviously someone outside, but for what purpose? The assassin strikes me as very incompetent in this regard that he does no checking on these things. Most assassins also wouldn't commit other crimes to kill people: one of the calling cards of assassins is that they generally can't be tied to the murders in any way.

3. Last idea is interesting but also has problems. Besides the obvious impossibility of the "creativity" device which will be let go on the basis of the story being fiction, there's some fundamental issues with how the governments and such work. For example, why does the government immediately seize on the "take over the world" plot, instead of, say, artificially creating valuable stuff to sell to other countries and ease off the deficit? Is this our world or another world? Unlike the other stories which can't be in our world, this one isn't stated explicitly where it is. The courier system could have developed in plenty of places. And if these devices are so valuable, why does the government kill the scientists involved? Why not force them to work for the government instead, isolating them? Or get the blueprints for the devices to build as many as they want, then kill the scientists? It's awfully short-sighted of them and perhaps intentionally bureaucratic but for a group that plans to rule the world they're remarkably dumb.

Oppressing their countrymen seems silly too. Why bother? Complacent people don't revolt. Oppressed people do. Rights can be eroded away piece by piece but outright oppression or perceived oppression is never tolerated and in modern ages governments are scared to death of media outlets because they can't cut them off like they could before. Then there's the mix-up with the packages. Such valuable devices would be guarded VERY closely, potentially in armored cars with military escort. Even if it's a hush hush thing there's plenty of ways to protect the package, such as unmarked cars with spec ops inside escorting the vehicle. With a government interested in domination, it seems appropriate. For the neutral couriers to suddenly decide they want to take over seems weird too. Why? They were neutral. Why not negotiate for more rights or better pay or something, rather than opt for a hostile takeover? They have a device that creates anything, they could make themselves a button which killed all the rival gangs instantly or create instant money.

How do they find out about the government's plans? When do they find out? After they subdue one of the city gangs? It's a bit confusing timeline-wise. Do they just plan to do the takeovers and not do it? Why is the military not designated to shoot these clearly illegal couriers on sight, parkour or not? Bullets travel faster than people. Unlike your other three stories, you also have two really big fundamental issues.

1. The creative device is overpowered. It needs some kind of limitation. It can only create one item a day. It can only create something which can hypothetically exist (can't draw "God" for example, or a human body and have a living person appear, etc). It can only transmute items, so you need an equivalent amount of mass -- give up a rose to create a dense bullet, or something. As is, it makes no sense why they couldn't create a literal "I win and everyone else surrenders" button and press it. It breaks the story because the imagination is too powerful.

2. Motivation. Unlike your other protagonist [groups], there's no motivation. Surviving the darkness? Good. Outlasting a disease? Good. Making money turned survival and escape from a legendary prison? Good. Suddenly acquiring devices and...seeking to free the world? Strictly generic and there needs to be something more, here. This also comes with characters. All the others had clear main characters. This has no main character, just the neutral group, and we don't see anyone in particular. We need to. There needs to be a focal point, even if it shifts every few issues, chapters, whichever.

Hope that all helps -- please let me know if you need more info on any critiques or if you have a revised version to show for critique!
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Old October 1st, 2011, 05:54 PM   #153
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Well the devices are limited by memory which means they can only make one thing also, creating the objects requires not just creativity but an understanding of the inner works of a mechanism --> meaning it requires schematics before it makes mechanical items, u can either draw them or upload these schematics then create an item on top of it... you can then also use a quick draw system in which items will last 20 seconds so drawing a bat or stairs etc they last 20sec in the devices temporary memory
The devices uses the idea of digital mass or pixels acting as cells so you cant really draw a massive building when its simply just a hand held device tho larger ones can create building from just a architects drawing... kinda get what i mean? If the device is broken the items wont disappear
The device wont create money most of these devices that they found were designed to go with lower guards, so less memory, less pixels, inability to make money and no schematics other than simple gun mechanics and sword mechanics.

As for the motivation, they all live in the under city, The government wants to start an aggressive movement of imperialism, however in order to do so they need to they need to gain funds, and creating money will only cause for economical decline, so by oppressing its people to make more devices seems to work, also by censoring everything they can ensure that their devices wont be stolen as well as ensure news of their attacks are kept secret, this start with obvious censoring of violence, pornography, heavily censoring of the internet, till almost everything is blocked to the under cities in which the majority of the countries population live in. Jobs are now allocated to ensure employment, as well as ensure control. This however opens up the idea of the courier services which increases from not just illegal items but they can now get these easily accessible (not easy tho alot easier than getting drugs) such as dvds games etc. The gangs however are at ends with eachother. The neutral gang is down a guy, and is in search of a runner ( a person skilled in parkour). Unlike most gangs a runner is essential for the neutral group as they need to get between cities, without being intercepted by other gang members as payment is to the person who finalizes the delivery. Furthermore deliveries between cities may pay well but are scarce as most dealers in each city sell similar items. Anyway so they find their runner, a young boy they caught doing graffiti on their hideout, after a long chase they realize he is skilled in running and acrobatics. They ask him to join however he is apprehensive, tho he is just a poor street urchin/thief so a home and money sway his decision. After receiving his first job he runs into a strange man who is being chased by a large number of --> he is an ex politician trying to get out stole some of the devices from lower guards and plans to cross the border however he is found out thus he is running, the packages get mixed and now with the cops and other gangs on high alert their deliver is delayed.
They first use the device as a way of taking over gangs, tho the main character is strongly against the government's censorship of everything, he was once going to go to art school, however his parents who were artists were jailed for continuing to do art after it was banned and not attending their allocated jobs, and his art school was shut down. He argues to use the device to go against the government and start rebellion but the rest of the members dont really care. However this changes when during a takeover tehy realise all the large gangs are actually headed by government spies, who also own these devices and that by creating this underground economy they are charging way more for contraband material which otherwise would be legal and cheap, and thus using a large percent of this money to fund the government's imperialistic motives. This convinces the rest of the gang to help the main protagonist to free the rest of the gangs from the government spies and then start a rebellion of freedom.

The assassin is not incompetent, he was actually set up, getting into the prison was impossible so being jailed was the only way and he was told from trusted sources that getting out would be hard but it was possible and that their was lax guards as prisoners were free to do whatever they wanted on the island except leave. His employer actually wanted to endorse him as a fighter, the assassination was just a ploy, however this is not known to the assassin as he still thinks he needs to kill the target, as he never leaves a job unfinished, while the employer keeps him safe from death outside the tournament and keeps betting large amounts of money on him, his companions are actually guards bought by the employer and by the end he realises everything as the companions feel they cannot keep a secret from him due to his highly likable characteristics and thus he decides to still finish the job, but also kill the employer for setting him up, which starts phase two of the story after he is released from prison, now retired, he is looking for the employer who set him up, who seems to have magically disappeared after his release.
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Old October 1st, 2011, 06:39 PM   #154
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Also i have another story its a bit more realistic

On his 16th birthday our main protagonist is given a skateboard. At first he cant even ride the board gets frustrated and thinks nothing of it.
However during the holidays due to sheer boredom he decides to take the skateboard out and give it another go, after a few failed attempt he manages to ride the skateboard and soon he is using it as a form of transport to go everywhere and starts to gain a hold of going down hill at high speeds and turning without breaking.
during a quick skate down the shops he notices a couple of other skaters at the park doing crazy wild tricks, he becomes interested having only used his board to ride he starts to youtube and google skateboarding, and soon starts to learn the basics from an ollie to a kickflip. AS he gradually gets better he builds up the confidence to start skating in the park on ledges and stairs however he is caught by local enforcers and told not to skate around here as it ruins the benches and stairwells. With no actual skate park to go to, he starts to go skating at night around the park and carpark, it is there that he meets other skating crews. Each crew uses/claims a different area of the city and hold skating tournaments, to gain rep you need to not only be part of a crew but also win tournaments, he joins a fairly low crew who let him in after seeing his talent for skating. From there he starts to win tournaments and increase the rep of the crew, however by doing this he is skipping school and getting involved in illegal activities as the tournaments are all street skating based. This puts him at ends with his parents and so he is forced to choose between skating and his relations with his family

With this story and the 4 i gave before pls rate tham and tell me which one i should start off with i am as you all should know if you followed this thread very indecisive so i need some1 to tell me this is the best story you have go with it and then i can actually start to make proper storyboards instead of rough ones based on a plethora of different ideas that keep popping into my head
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Old November 2nd, 2011, 05:12 AM   #155
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Some drawings i did for my portfolio im transferring course or hopefully into animation





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Old November 3rd, 2011, 03:41 AM   #156
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The art is pretty good but it looks like a regular anime series. And the character in the middle is surprisingly similar to Naruto dont you think? But i think you got the expressions spot on! i always have trouble with lines and giving credible expressions. Could you add a bit more? And i am sorry but i cannot understand the squiggly title thing. What is it supposed to say?
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Old November 4th, 2011, 10:01 PM   #157
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derek_Miller View Post
The art is pretty good but it looks like a regular anime series. And the character in the middle is surprisingly similar to Naruto dont you think? But i think you got the expressions spot on! i always have trouble with lines and giving credible expressions. Could you add a bit more? And i am sorry but i cannot understand the squiggly title thing. What is it supposed to say?
What picture is this in reference 2/
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Old January 18th, 2012, 03:25 AM   #158
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quick sketch of the 2 main characters on my new project and yes i have finished the other one but i havent had the time to upload it
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Old January 18th, 2012, 04:07 AM   #159
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another quick sketch of the main character
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Old February 24th, 2012, 05:37 PM   #160
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Some works in progress of new characters



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Old February 25th, 2012, 06:38 AM   #161
Vaikyuko
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Have to ask: Bleach / Death Note / Darker than BLACK inspiration? First guy kind of reminds me of Grimmjow, second is like Light Yagami with Hei's mask.

Nice job.
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Old March 27th, 2012, 01:58 PM   #162
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Hey Mike, you've got some really cool stuff here! If you're still wondering about your story idea. Why not just pick whichever story idea you feel like?

It's great you have a lot of ideas, but don't let that hold you back. You can always create new characters with other stories for different archs as you go (if that's what you're planning).

In other words. Choosing one, does not completely eliminate the other story ideas. So just run with your favorite.

Also - That girl with the big bosom. Yes.
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