Advent Twins X

[Tidusauron12]

Advent Twins X

“Everyone has a double, however, it is told that the chances of a person ever meeting that double are astronomical. Well, if that’s true, then I’m the most astronomical person you’ll ever meet. My name is Hiroki Maramoto. I am 14, and I was your average kid. I went to Junior High at the city of Kawasaki, in Kanagawa. No, my story doesn’t take place in the future, it take’s place right now, in the early 21st centaury. I’m your average Joe. I flirt with girls, go through my ups and downs, and have problems with puberty. I was just a kid loving life when I met my double. My exact twin. How? You’ll find that out later. I didn’t know what to think of him when I first met him, but now I do. Devil’s Child. He was a minion sent from hell to ruin my life, and in the process, destroy me."

I woke up as usual in my bed… that is I woke up frantically and crazily in my bed. “I can’t believe I overslept!” The clock said 6:00… I was supposed to wake at 3:00! I looked around the usual areas, just to be sure, and then carefully climbed out of bed. Looking around the room, I could see that all of the traps I had set were still set as I left them… ready to go. I picked up my baseball bat, and started slowly across the room. I walked carefully through the room, disarming the traps as I went. I checked the closet, ready for him to spring on me. Nothing. Checked the other closet… empty. Checked all the small crevices I thought he might hide in… nothing. I smiled; breathing a sigh of relief… “He’s not… here.”

“Hiroki! Breakfast!” I looked at the door, letting the bat slack to my side.

“Coming mother!” Before I was even halfway across my room, the window was crashing open, and shards of glass were showering all over me and my room. I fell to the floor, kinda’ shocked. I looked up in horror, because I already knew what this was. The Twin.

He smiled down on me. “Oh sorry kohai … so sorry… did I cut you?” His black bat loomed highly over his head, ready to crush down on me.

I was shocked with fear. “Y-you!”

He frowned. “You? Who do you think you’re talkin’ to?!” The bat started to dive at me, but I blocked it easily with my bat, countering with a dive-swing. I swung at him twice but he blocked each too easily. “Eat this!” I cried aloud as his bat contacted my face, sending me into the wall with a bloody nose. He chuckled, walking towards me. “You had better refer to me as…. Senpai. Got that kohai?” His face was right in from of mine.

I yelled at him. “You’re crazy!”

He laughed madly. “Is that so!? Say my name!” I didn’t speak. The bat struck me. “Say my name!” I spit up blood and gargled out a cry of pain, but didn’t speak any words. “Say my name!” I didn’t say anything. BAM! It just continued like that for a long time. “Say my name!” BAM “Say my name!” BAM Blood was all over me and the floor, and the twin was still over me, ready to swing again when a knock came from the door.

“Omiichan! Omiichan!” A pause. “Hiroki, get outta’ the bed! It’s time to eat! Hurry or we’ll be late to school!”

I looked from the door and then to the twin. He smiled walking away from me, and all I could think during all of this was “don’t hurt my sister, please, oh god don’t hurt my sister.” I shot up. “Don’t hurt her… please… it’s me you have to fight…. To kill.” He smiled at me.

“That’s it, Hiroki, I’m coming in!”

My eyes widened. “No! Magami! Wait!” The door knob started to turn, but at my plea, she hesitated.

The Twin placed his hand up. “Well… aren’t you the lucky one… I’ll be back to finish the job… got that kohai?” A red ball of light appeared in his palm and then it disappeared. He went to the window, opened it, and dived out of it, disappearing as he fell from the… umpteenth floor.

I ran over to the window. “He’s gone…”

The door flew open as my sister entered the room. I froze when I heard the door open. “Mag-!” I heard a scream that sounded like it was about to grow into something very scary, but in the second, it was cut clean off, like a wood chucker with some wood and an ax. Magami went flying out into the hallway, a trail of blood following, like a rocket ship’s fire tail, propelling her right into the hallway wall. I heard a loud noise when she hit.

Looking back at the event, I always think of my sister’s face being covered with a black line like in the movies when they showed a naked lady’s private parts, maybe one of those movies from the 90s. But she wasn’t in a movie… What really had happened was a black 7-inch wooden barrel baseball bat had slammed into her nose.

Without thinking, I ran toward her. On the way, I saw the blood trail from when the trap hit her. “Magami!” Are you ok!?”

She looked up at me dazedly. “Hiroki? W-what happened…?” She went unconscious. I was terrified. Blood was coming from her nose and her mouth, and it as so black it looked like ink.

I flipped at the site of her. "Oh god... oh crap... oh..." Finally, I got myself together, and carried her downstairs

My parents didn’t even look at me when I came into the room. My mother was at the sink, washing my father’s dishes. “It took you two long enough; now hurry and eat, or you’ll be late!”

I frowned. “Mother! Father! Something’s happened to Magami!”
...

[Tidusauron12]

My mom sat over my sister in her room. My dad… was chewing me pretty good in the hall way.



I smashed into the wall. “Hiroki! Those damn traps again!?” He kicked the wall next to him.

“I promise you dad! I’ve been telling the truth ever since the beginning! There’s this kid after me!”

“Where!? I don’t see the blood from the ‘vicious attack’ he did on you! The window he ‘thundered’ through seems perfectly fine! The only blood I found in this house was your sister’s!” He sighed, now he sounded softer. “Hiroki. If I wasn’t a doctor we would’ve had to take her to the hospital… and luckily, she had no broken bones.” I looked down at the ground, rubbing me mouth where my dad had socked me. “Hiroki… what is wrong with you? Tell me? How can I help? Do you need to see a psychiatrist? Again?”

This all started after I turned 12. I went to sleep one day, and the next… well… let’s just say ‘it’ started. The nightmares came first, and then… what you just read started happening. Anywhere, everywhere, anytime. Can you imagine what my life was like after that? I was being attacked at school, in class, on the toilet, at home, and everywhere between. But no one ever saw because when they looked… he was gone. And some how all that blood he put down was gone to, including my injuries. The nightmares began to happen every night, and eventually, I became a psycho. I started setting traps, learning karate and staying up all night all to prepare for the twin. With each visit, he found it harder to defeat me, though he still had the upper hand.

“Hiroki… is that it? Another psychiatrist?”


I got a psychie to help me out or whatever… and it did help. At least… for a little while. The nightmares stopped, and the twin stopped coming for a while. Then… one day, he kept coming. And he said that no doctor could help me in the world. My psychie was fired after that… and finally I just had to pretend like it wasn’t happening. I had to ignore the dreams… fight the twin… and then just go on as usual like life was normal… like some secret super hero. Well… I tried to go on like life was normal… until… this happened.
My dad looked at the door that separated us from the room my sister was in. “Hiroki… can you go on the field trip tomorrow? The School trip to Osaka?”

“O-of course!” I really had been looking forward to this trip… for many reasons. “I promise, I won’t act up.”

He sighed again. “Son… I just wish.. I could believe you…”

I frowned. Crap. “So you’re not going to let me go?”

My dad frowned. “Should I? You just smashed your sister’s face in with a trap pulled from a guerilla op!”

I cowered to the wall at his scowl. “S-sorry!”

My dad looked at me silently for a long time, breathing hard. “I’m going to go call the school, and tell them why you two are absent today. When I get back… I’ll have made my decision about whether you deserve your little ‘vacation’ or not.”

I looked out the hallway window. The sky was blue, with a few fluffy clouds around. “Damn…” I said quietly. “Why did that bastard have to go and ruin such a good day! I can’t let him continue ruining my life like this! I’ve gotta’ do something about it!” I stood up and walked over to the window. “I’m gonna’ take you down, twin! I’m gonna’ kill you!” I stood there with my fist shaking valiantly out the window… until I noticed my dad standing in the door way. He was frowning, and tapping his tap foot pretty fast. Don’t I look like the gay retarded son.

See what I mean? This crap happened too much since then.

[Tidusauron12]

II.

For some reason, my dad asked me if I wanted to go on the school trip the next day. Despite the fact that I felt guilty - especially after creamin’ my sister in the face – I still decided to go because well, I know this might sound selfish, but to be frank, I REALLY wanted to go. This made the drive to the airport all the more terrible.

I walked out to the car slowly, my hands to my side, a frown on my face and a shame weight in my stomach. I really felt real crappy ‘cause my mom couldn’t take me to the airport… so my dad had to – and that was bad, ‘cause he was really disappointed in my decision to go on the trip, despite what I’d done – at least, that’s how I felt.

“Hiroki! Get a move on it! We’re going to be late!” My dad was leaning out the car.

I glared at him then, and I stopped walking when I glared. “Stupid old man!” I mumbled. I was gritting my teeth. “I should kill you right now!” I tightened my grip, and all the aggravation was let out. “I should just rip your friggin’ head off!” All of a sudden, My dad’s outstretched body fused with the red orange ambient sky behind him, and it all started to look like a big hit bag, one I could test my bat on. I yelled and started to charge at the bag with my bat. “Take this! Damn bastard!” I hit the bag with the bat, then I hit the bag again, and again, and again… finally, I got tired of it and just jumped on the thing, like a wild beast animal thing, and started ripping it to pieces.

“Hiroki!?”

I was lying on the small lawn, wet with dew. My dad was looking at me with some weird look on his face, and I was covered with damp, itchy grass. I got up, looked around, and finally decided to just get into the car. My dad started the car and pulled out into the street. I was breathing pretty hard as we drove down the road, in complete silence.

My dad broke it. “What the hell Hiroki.” I looked over to see my dad smiling with a happy rage. That sorta’ scared me, but oh well. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I smiled. “Guess I just need a little vacation.”
My dad smiled even bigger, his voice normal but not. “Hmph… is that so? Well, you’re about to get one.”

After that, it got pretty thick. The red light that the Sun shrouded me with felt like the chemical that made the grass itch my skin, and I was sorta’ wet and sticky, and my dad was in some strange way, pissed and disappointed and worried about me. Oh yeah, and the wetness on me was kinda’ hot. Oh well…

My cloths had for the most part dried off when the car stopped at the airport. I noticed that we were a few minutes late, but I couldn’t really do anything meaningful with that info, so I just got my crap and headed for the door of the airport.. which was across a giant parking lot… which was full. My dad yelled after me. “You better be cleaned up after this little ‘school trip’ of yours!” And he drove off.

As I walked, I noticed a strange aura in the sky. It was a cloudy and misty orange-yellow-red-pink color mix, but it was eerily still really dark out. The sky was like a dying flame, so it wasn’t that bright; like an eclipsed twilight or something. Then on top of that, I noticed that the street lights were on, but dim, and the worst part, there was dead silence. I looked around at all that, and then started to walk again, this time, with my bat in my hand. He should be attacking at anytime now. But when? I couldn’t take the wait, ‘cause I felt if I waited any longer, I’d die. I took out. I just plain took out across the desolate parking lot as fast as I could. When I was running, I couldn’t help but feel the anticipation of the X twin showing up. It penetrated me to the bone, and I was ready to attack the first sound but... I got to the door. For some reason I felt like I had accomplished some big feat, but then I realized that nothing had happened. Great Hiroki, you’ve managed to make yourself look like an idiot again. I looked back at the parking lot, and… it was just that… a demonic ghastly looking parking lot. What… what is this feeling? It’s so… strange. My heart started pumping faster. I’m scared! But why!? No one is out here! The tension was building, but nothing happened. I felt no one was there, though I still had paranoia that I was being watched. I still just stared out at the colors. Crap! I’m late!

I was about 30 minutes late when I finally reached the front door… and… well, it didn’t matter. No one in are class had even done anything yet, everyone was just standing in the lobby, yapping.

I looked vaguely around the room. “Hey! Hiroki-San!” I looked to where the voice came to find my teacher… who’s name isn’t important to mention right now. She frowned. “Do you really think it’s ok to be this late? We planned this trip months ago! I can understand a few minutes but if you’re gonna’ take this long, you should at least notify me in advance! I really took my time to make the scheduled scenario!” Man her voice was irritating.

I sighed. “Sensei… does my tardiness make any difference in your scenario?”

I spoke dully.

Her eyes widened, her voice became even more annoying and loud. “Listen here Hiroki-San! You may not have damaged the over all structure of my planned scenario, but you have altered it! DO not DO that!”

I sighed. “Yes ma'am..."

She handed me a piece of paper on a cardboard thing. “Sign in!” She walked away.

I looked down at it blankly. “She didn’t have to snatch it to me…” I signed and gave it to someone else who hadn’t. The room was full of people, but that didn’t mean I had any guarantees, so I picked out a seat that was in a defensive position, and sat, my bat still at hand.

“Hiroki-Chan!”

I looked up at the name-caller with a small smile. “Mimi-Chan?” She smashed into me… and I smashed into the wall.

“Hey, you two getting married!?” We both separated the embrace pretty after that, ‘cause the laughter was embarrassing. I still thought it was a one side embrace, since she had basically tackled me.

I sighed pretty revealingly. “Mimi-Chan…. I’m so happy you’re here… at least that’s one good thing in my life.”

She smiled as energetically as I always knew her to. “You’re always so negative…” She smiled, putting her hand on my leg (I got pants on).

“Hey!” I was red, jumping away from her touch.
She only giggled. “You should loosen up and be a little more optimistic sometimes.”

I looked at her negatively. “You and your sneaky sex-like gestures.” She giggled again. I frowned at her, but really, I was enjoying myself, at least with her.

The Sensei finally stepped to the loud speaker. “OK everyone; get your boarding passes that I preplanned for you! You did print them out like I told you, right?”

Everyone sighed at the teacher quite loudly. “Yes ma'am!......” Loud but not very enthusiastic.

People in class started to show the parcel transporter their boarding passes. Mimi looked at me cheerfully as I would have expected her to, even though I was screwed. “Come on Hiroki-Chan, we have to go get our stuff moved to the plane!”

I frowned. “Uhh… actually…” Mimi stopped. “I didn’t…”

She frowned. “Don’t tell me that you…!”

“I didn’t… get my pass…” She smiled, lightly.

The earth started to tremble. The ground started part. There was a scream. Sensei was there. “Hiroki-San! What did you just say!!!?”

“Yet!” I smiled like a piece of cheese cheesy. “I didn’t get my pass yet! That’s right!” I could feel my skin turning yellow and smelly, attracting rats and mice.

She put her arms around me, and I screamed. “Maramoto Hiroki! Get a pass now! Or else my scenario will change! And not to your advantage!” All of a sudden, she went from fake nice annoying lady to crazy dictator-like Kim Jong-il thing.

I cried out in horror. “Ok! Just don’t hurt me please! I’m sorry!” She threw me down to the ground and left inside the airport main lobby.
She stopped at the door. “Everyone! Get in here!!!” The students followed her unwillingly willingly.

I stood up with tears in my eyes. “I… I better go get that pass right about now.” I got the tag that the sensei ‘gave’ me, and headed slowly toward the Main Lobby, after of course, I got my bat.

Kimil was at the main counter. “I put you down a few weeks ago luckily, but still, since you’re getting a new pass, you’re going to have to wait here for 20 minutes, holding the flight up, may I add?” She left.

Mimi smiled politely, her light cloud-like voice pushing away my thunderstorm mood. “It’s ok, Hiroki-Chan… I’ll wait with you…” I smiled at this gesture, and handed my tag to the lady behind the desk.

“Thanks, Mi-Chan.” I put a handed on her shoulder, then sat down at a row of seats that was in the lobby.

Mimi smiled cheerfully, sitting next to me. “It’s ok. Really though… Sensei’s really nice… but she is a real typhoon when she’s angry.”

I rubbed the spot where Kim-il had grabbed me. “You can say that again.”

I’d known Mimi practically all my life, since we’d lived next door to each other since like birth, or something like that. She moved away in 6th grade, but she still stayed at my school. I really do love her like a sister, but you know, lately I’d been thinking, was it more than that? I mean, she was always touching me in weird personal places… So I was thinkin’ ‘does she like me or not?’ Anyways… she’s a good friend, that’s for sure, and the reason is… well things she did like at the airport. None of my other ‘companion friends’ even thought about helpin’ me out. At least with her, I didn’t feel like a complete idiot. Anyways, I think she’s the reason I’m not like… a freak now.

[Tidusauron12]

Kim-il’. It might sound weird for me to call our teacher that, but I’m not alone. There were quite a few people at our school who called her that, and for very obvious reasons. When she gets angry, there’s no stopping her. She becomes a complete dictatorship, taking control of everything. I actually came up with it. I watch the news quite a lot, and personally, I think when she’s angry, she looks kinda’ like the Kim-il North Korea guy they keep talkin’ about all the time, the big geeky glasses, the ugly tall hair, and the messed up teeth. Well, I guess some people agree with me, because others called her that too.

The plane took off 20 minutes late, just as ‘Kimil’-Sensei had said. She may have been an old hag, but she was truly a talent when it came to predicting time-like crap and stuff… which lead me to a question I had always wanted to ask her: Why the heck did you become a teacher lady? Just to give me a hard time? Well, she was mad at me, but I got off pretty good; I mean I didn’t get punished. Mimi was pretty much the one to thank for all that though.

The engine roared, but the plane didn’t move. “So, when is this thing taking off?” I looked out at the vibrating wings nervously.

Mimi arched an eyebrow. “You a nervous flyer?”
I shook my head no. “No. It’s just…” I stared out the window for a while. “It’s just that sky… that twilight eclipse…”

“What?”

I flinched. “Oh, Sorry, it was… it was nothing.” I wasn’t really in reality, now that I think about it…

Mimi stared at me oddly, then giggled. “You’re funny! I told you you should have become a poet; you really come out with some romantic things every now and then!”

Right now, I was like: What the heck? Is she serious? I was a poet in 6th grade, but I sorta’ quit for some reason. “Y-you really think so?”

She nodded cheerfully. “Yeah!” I always felt like crap, so I was wondering
how she stayed so happy all the time.

Happiness was something I hadn’t felt for a long time… ever since he came. I mean… comon’! He?! What the hell is this? Harry Potter?!

“You’re so romantic Hiroki!” The mantra was a mocking chime.

I turned around. “Oh… Aoi-san… you…” Not a good surprise. Behind me? Why?

Aoi smiled. “Hey Nobu, check out these two love birds.” I sighed. Why is that loser always trying to talk in a cool way? How annoying.

Nobu’s head popped up over the top of my seat too, beside Aoi. “You two are married?!Congrats you two!?” And this guy… his voice sounds so weird… like he has a speech impediment or something…

I looked away with a scarlet fever face. “Losers…” Laughter spread through the cabin… and then…

Aoi and Nobu are the two most annoying freaks in the school, excluding me… I mean I did say most annoying freaks. I’m the freakiest kid you’ll find at any school. But being the most annoying freak is a lot worse than being the craziest freak, I mean, at least I don’t try to disturb people intentionally, like them. They usually get referred to as the Geek Duo, or Team Loser, and I’ve even heard the baka-saka (hey, the frat boys will come out with anything.) but I just call em’ a pair of losers, or maybe sometimes, just losers. But seriously man, that Nobu guy really does sound weird, like a cave man or something.

The plane started to move, and within seconds, it was moving so fast my ears were popping. Then it just… eased into the air. And just like that, we were flying.

We’re taking off now!? I almost flipped in my seat, and all I heard from Aoi and Nobu was unpleasant yelling. Mimi on the other hand welcomed the abrupt lift off with a big happy smile and an astounded style on her face. It made me want to smile too, but the skies outside made me keep a straight face. Eventually, we leveled off in the air, and the plane stabilized.

Mimi checked on Aoi and Nobu afterwards. When she looked, she started laughing, so I looked too. Aoi and Nobu ended up ’stuck’ together in a rather… binary position. I tried to laugh and smile with Mimi, but again, that sky just held my mouth straight.

A flight attendant entered the cabin. “That’s what you get! If you had been seated and buckled down as instructed, you wouldn’t be in such an embarrassing situation!”

All the kids laughed as the two idiots untangled themselves, then Kimil-Sensei came and chewed them out. To me, it was more like she chewed them thoroughly then swallowed them, but oh well…

“Excuse me, I am your pilot, Mirato Shinji. Please take a look out the window of the plane. If you do, you’ll see a bizarre glow in the sky. Do not be alarmed by this unusual sky color… it is being called an atmospheric anomaly by the NOAA and JM. Please enjoy this beautiful event, for it has never been observed before, and it is only special to Kanagawa Prefecture as of now.”

“It’s beautiful, Hiroki!” Mimi was astounded with the glow. I just looked out into the colors, not hearing anything. Her hand landed on my shoulder, knocking me out of my gaze. She smiled at me. “It’s called Twilight Eclipse, right Hiroki-Chan?”

I smiled. “Yeah… that’s it…” In the wake of that sky, my smile was fake, and
I knew that.

[Leader Desslock]

Hmmm.... okay. You asked me to take a look, and I have. I think it's a funny premise, and I think it's more or less working so far.

Regarding the perspective issues you mentioned - you've evidently gotten rid of them, because I don't see any shifts between first and second person. What I see are a couple levels of narration:

1) Direct narration to the audience. In an anime, this would be handled in a voiceover, most likely. This narration relates to the story being told, but is not necessarily limited to that timeline.

2) First person narration of the story as it happens. This includes the dialogue, all told from the perspective of the narrator.

3) First person internal monologue. This is similar to #1, except that it represents the character's thoughts in the timeline, rather than during the subsequent retelling.

My thoughts about how this should all be represented...

Normally, internal monologue is written in italics. I'd format your text a bit more like this:

I stood up and walked over to the window. “I’m gonna take you down, twin! I’m gonna kill you!”


I stood there with my fist shaking valiantly out the window - until I noticed my dad standing in the doorway. He was frowning and tapping his tap foot pretty fast. Don’t I look like the gay retarded son, I thought. ...


If it was me, and the precedent of "italics = internal monologue" had been established, I might even leave out most of the "I thought" words. I'd probably only use them when I wanted to use a 'thought' word that carried a bit more color: contemplated, mulled, etc. So I'd personally have written that like this:


I stood there with my fist shaking valiantly out the window - until I noticed my dad standing in the doorway. He was frowning and tapping his tap foot pretty fast. Don’t I look like the gay retarded son.


It's how you continue from there that's confusing. The line "...See what I mean? This crap happened too much since then" sounds more like it's direct narration to the audience outside the story narrative. It sounds like something the narrator is saying to the audience as he tells the story, rather than the first-person narration (i.e.: "I stood there...") within the story timeline.

If that's the case, I think that needs to be separated along with the rest of the external narration. You've currently put that in boldface. It's not normally put in boldface in a book. It's normally represented by a different font (rare) or more likely, italics. The example that comes to mind off the top of my head would be Princess Irulan's narration in Dune. The characters have internal monologue in italics, and Irulan's narration outside the story is also in italics.

In contrast, Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels usually have a number of different levels of narration, but he doesn't always italicize the text. Pick up one of his novels to see what I mean.

I guess it doesn't matter how you do it, but I think you need to clearly represent the differences in narrative perspective. The less formatting you use and the more you make it clear which is which in your text, the better it will be. It'll be funnier, too. If you've read any Pratchett, you realize how much humor he puts in that split narrative perspective of his.

One thing that does not work is the following:

“<This is a perfect time for him to attack.>” I thought. “<He’ll be here anytime now.>”

That's not grammatically correct, nor is it consistent with your other examples of internal monologue. You have to pick one style and stick with it, or you'll just confuse your audience.


Other comments:

You're writing very visually, as though this is an anime, rather than a story. You're including sight-gags that don't necessarily translate to a written medium, like:

My sister’s worried face was covered with a black line like in the movies when they showed a naked lady’s private parts in a movie from the 90s. But she wasn’t in a movie… a 7-inch wooden barrel baseball bat slammed into her nose...

I get the image you're going for, and it'd be a funny sight gag in an anime. but the 'black line' isn't something he'd actually SEE. It's a way what he sees would be represented for a sight gag in a visual format. There's a difference between anime and prose, and what happens in one medium doesn't necessarily translate to another.

As an example - look at the Ranma 1/2 manga, versus the anime. In the manga, there are a lot of jokes where a character looks up from one panel to the next. This is something that doesn't translate well to the anime, so they largely dropped it. It wouldn't translate at all to prose, so you'll never see it written in fanfiction. It would look weird for me to say that a character looked back and made a comment about the previous paragraph, wouldn't it?

You do it again here:

... I could feel my skin turning yellow and smelly, attracting rats and mice. ...All of a sudden, she went from fake nice annoying lady to crazy dictator-like Kim Jong-il thing...

I can see those transformations visually, and they'd be funny sight gags - but fiction isn't a visual medium. Mentions to strange physical transformations are hard to pull off in prose.


Minor points:
- You're writing in English, so write in English. Trying to salt and pepper your dialogue with "Hei", "Oi!" and "Sensei" should be avoided.
- You might want to do a quick proofread to clear up some typos.


Funny idea, and I think it's going well. You just might want to stop and think about the mechanics of your prose for a bit.

[Tidusauron12]

Hm... I have some work to do by the sounds of it... and maybe some shopping too. (I searched through all my novels, but I don't have any that you mentioned.)

Anyways, I'll be sure to check out everything you said. (And anyways, sorry about inputting all those japanese things... they're just... I guess bad habits.)

One question though. Do you think I should remove all the suffixes and titles along with 'sensei'? Does 'english writing' also apply to removing -chan -kun -san, senpai, kohai, etc.?

EDIT:

(I'd like to know this before I continue writing, as most of my stories take place in Japan.)

(Most manga's leave in kun and chan, like Naruto in the scanlations, so I'm wondering if I should leave titles in or out. I understand that manga is a different medium than prose, but... I just need to be advised when it comes to this.)

[Leader Desslock]

There are a number of online sources that might give you a good feel for first-person narration. All of the works of Lovecraft and Poe are here, along with Shelley's Frankenstein:

http://www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/index.html

Mark Twain's works are here:

http://twain.thefreelibrary.com/

These folks are some of the masters of 1st person narrative, so you should be able to get some ideas there. The rules of English grammar haven't changed.

As for the other stuff- that's personal choice. There's no reason for a character who's otherwise speaking in English to say "Yes" or "Oh, boy!" in Japanese. As for "-chan" and whatnot, those are proper nouns, really. That's a judgement call. Words with no translatable equivalent (sempai, kohai, etc.) are also a judgement call. There are ways to get around all of them, and whether you do that or not is up to you. I will point out that manga and prose are two different formats, so the rules of writing in one are not necessarily the same as the rules of writing in another.

Whatever you decide, I don't think it's that important in a rough draft. Do whatever gets the story out for now.

[Leader Desslock]

I'd say to just leave it be and see how it looks when you're done. It won't be hard to change later if you decide to. Maybe when you're done, you'll have a better idea of what you think looks best. Words like Sempai and Kohai are fine, and so long as the -chans and -kuns are used only where necessary, they won't be too bad. Less is more, I think.

The better Ranma fanfiction I've read generally limits the -chan to Ranma & Ukyo's "Ran-chan" and "Ucchan" names for one another. Kuno gets called "upperclassman" rather than "sempai", but since that's all the relationship implies in his case, I think it's legit. The teachers get called "Teach", "Teacher" or "Miss Hinako", depending on who's saying it. The names for the martial arts moves are generally untranslated (i.e.: the Shishi Hokoudan instead of Lion's Roar Shot), unless the translation is particularly funny. Traditional food and weapon names are retained (okonomiyaki, bokken vs. 'wooden sword'). Sasuke called Kuno "Master", rather than "Tatewaki-sama".

Anyone else have any thoughts on the matter? Shiroiyuki?

[Tidusauron12]

Ok, so I've done some editing, and quite a few changes throughout my story, I'm confident in it now, I mean I can see some improvement from the First version of it, but other than that, I think I can employ some techniques to avoid having to use Japanese titles as much, atleast from here on out. I'll look through it again, and I'll see if I left behind any typos and fix those again. (I always leave a few behind.)

Besides that, I'll have to check with my mom on how she interprets the story. (On an intellectual level, I'm pretty sure she's as educated in the field of literature as you, Leader.) When she reviews my stories, she tells me... "like it is" and that can get a little harsh if you get me right. Anyways, I think I can go back to her too and ask for assistance. I know that if I want to become a good writer, I'll have to do more than get you guys to tell me my mistakes... I'll have to improve on my own, and I understand that, so don't think I'm not taking what you guys tell me to heart. I told you I'd get better and that's what I am going to do.

[Tidusauron12]

The plane slowly gained altitude and the higher it got, the brighter the colors got, and the more tiresome I grew. It’s this bellowing thick sky… It’s like it’s about to make me…collapse…

Mimi jabbed me in the stomach. “Ouch!” I cried.

She stopped doing what she was doing. “Oh sorry, I’m trying to get this stupid sweater off. It’s really not that easy…” I looked at her, and when I did, my face got red fast, because I saw that the sweater was pulled almost entirely off her head, around her neck, and her shirt was too. I could see her bra. Finally, she lifted the sweater off her head and tossed over my face. As it fell off, I flinched into the wall.

I looked at her negatively, a frown on my face. “Another sex-like joke?”

She smiled. “No silly! Just tryin’ to get that hot thing off of me!” I arched an eyebrow. “…that feels so much better…” I noticed a bright glare flash through the sky. She closed her eyes and just like that, she was asleep. It’s like the sky had cast her dead, right on my shoulder. What da’…?!

My face got even redder. “Hey!” At first, I was resentful, but when I noticed how peaceful she was, I just sat down normally in my seat. “Oh… Mimi-Chan…” I placed my pillow I’d brought on board under her head, and stroked her hair a few times. The color of the sky, it just made everything so slow and beautiful… “W-what am I doing!” I looked away, out to the sky again. What… what is that?

Too tired to stay awake, I drug out my mp3 player. I used double headphones and placed the second pair on Mimi’s head, the first pair went onto my ears. As the mp3 came on, I trailed down the list of songs I’d downloaded and stopped at the one I liked most. Nocturne; Op.15 No.1 in F major. It was Chopin, and it was classical, but it was good anyways. The melody was slow at first, and I knew that would put me to sleep, especially if it had the help of that hypnotizing sky…

Yeah, it was peaceful, but, Chopin isn’t all nice and pretty. The minute that evil and dreadful half of that Nocturne started, my nice dreamy sleep turned into a nightmare filled with hell: The darker side of the Chopin piece rolled on.

…

I felt something touch my face. At first, I though it was maybe Mimi, but it was too hard and cold for that, it felt… metal. I immediately opened my eyes to find a bat in my face. I jumped back into the seat, and when that got me no where I slid down to the floor, just as the back chunked the seat in half. I grabbed my bat quickly and tried to roll to the side to get away but… Mimi was still next to me. I smashed into her legs waking her up straight away.

“What da’!” She cried. We both piled atop of each other in the corridor.That’s when I noticed that except us, the cabin was empty.

I stood up. “What’s going on here?!” Mimi was looking at Hiroki-X curiously. “Mimi! No matter what, stay behind me!”

She frowned. “What’s going on here?!” I frowned. Copying me?

I charged the twin. “Just do it!”

He smiled. “Bring it Kohai.”

“Take this!” Our bats met with me losing bad. He was easily stronger than me, so I didn’t really get why I just charged with brute force. First he kicked me back out into the walkway, and then he charged at me.

I dodged all of his bat strikes, and then counter once he’d left himself open. I smashed my bat right into his face that looked like mine. Then I kicked him in the stomach and continued to hit him repeatedly in his face, over and over again, until I noticed that the peaceful melody of the nocturne had returned out of the darker theme. I looked at his body. Blood was all around his head, and I was pretty sure I had felt his neck break on that last blow. “Your deformed face doesn’t look like me anymore, *******.” I lowered my bloody bat, and sat down in the nearest seat, taking a long and loud breath. I hesitated. How can I hear the song if I don’t have the mp3 player with me anymore? The music stopped. The bat wasn't bloody anymore. Sonata in B Minor. Chopin’s funeral march started.

Mimi walked over to me quickly. “Hiroki! What’s happening!?” She sounded scared, which I guess was valid, for what had just happened.

I looked back at the body. It was gone. A tap came on my shoulder. I turned to the seat next to me to see Hiroki-X. “You shouldn’t hit yourself so hard.”

He swung at me really hard but I evaded just in time, only to go tumbling into the next row of seats, across the walkway.

I frowned. “You’re not me!” He frowned. “You’re Hiroki-X!”

He scowled at my words. “I’m Hiroki!” He charged at me as angry as ever, but I still was able to dodge the strike quite easily. For some reason he kept going, and he slammed into the plane wall, knocking a large hole in the wall.
I grabbed Mimi off reflex and started to run for another cabin. “We gotta’ go!” I was kicked in the face.

The twin grabbed Mimi. “Nope, I’ll be taking her.” Mimi looked at him dreamily. He smiled at her. “You’re hotter than I thought, how about ditching this loser and comin’ with me?”

Mimi smiled. “Wow! You’re so much cooler than Hiroki! Sure!” And then they just jumped out the window together, hand in hand. Then, all of a sudden, the plane started to dive towards the ground. Next thing I knew, I was in a fireball. And I could hear the twin’s laughter everywhere, and I could see him and Mimi… and I could see the walking away from me…

Wait a minute? What the heck is this crap?

…

[Tidusauron12]

“Hiroki-Chan! Hiroki-Chan!”

I woke up in, my head phones still on. I jumped up out of my seat. “No! Don’t go with him! Don’t go!” I paused, ‘cause immediately I knew what this was… It was me standing on the plane acting like a demented freak-a-zoid. I sat down.

That piece of work was the work of my psychotic mind, my psychotic twin, the Chopin Etude, and maybe, that crazy sky. At least, that’s the conclusion I’ve reached now. But I don’t really get how it happened… or how all of the latter are related. But that’s how everything had been, crazy, unpredictable, and weird. Ever since Hiroki-X showed up. I didn’t really understand anything about it all, so the best I could do was react, and by that means, to anything. Do anything I had to, to get by.

Mimi looked at me strangely. “Hiroki-Chan… is it… does nightmares again? I nodded. She sighed. “I thought that… was… the twin in it?”

I nodded again. “…Yeah.” I was still breathing hard, and I was still out of it.

She frowned. “Oh…” She looked sad. How rare. My contemplation, I mean I never had seen her acting all sad so fast and just because of one measly thing, like a nightmare. But I guess people who are happy all the time come down in weird ways.

I reached out to her. “Hey don’t…” The plane touched down, which caught me way off guard. When the plane finally came to a stop, my feet were where my head had been, and my face was where my feet were supposed to be.

Mimi laughed. “You sure do know how to cheer a girl up, Hiroki!”

I looked at her cheaply. “Yeah?” It took me a while to get back to normal, but I made it. When I was finally straight, I noticed that the plane had parked at the terminal. “We’re in Kyoto already?”

Mimi nodded, picking up one of her bags. “Yep, we’re here, but not Kyoto, Osaka.”

I arched an eyebrow. “I thought the trip was to Kyoto?”

Yeah, but Kyoto has no airport, silly! We’re taking the train from here to get there!” I nodded. She looked at me in a way that was penetrating even through the thick shielding of the sky. “Hiroki, let’s have lots of fun here.”

I smiled, and then nodded. “Yeah. We’ll lot’s of fun, Mimi.” That was the first real smile I think I had had all day.

“Please unbuckle you seats and exit the plane now.” Everyone started to move, and rummage around, so I got up and got my bags also. It seemed like Mimi only had one bag, while I had three.

She smiled at me when we got into the corridor. “What now?” I barked.

She placed her bag in my face. “Mind another bag?”

I sighed. “Comon’ Mimi! I got like…”

“Hey dude…?” It was Aoi’s mocking chime again.

I turned to him. “What?”

“Isn’t it polite to carry your partner’s bag?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?!”

Nobu’s face came from behind Aoi’s shoulder. “Yeah, won’t a good husband carry his wife’s bags?” I arched an eyebrow. Does he always just popup behind Aoi like that?

“You idiots! I – “ Mimi pushed my back with her bag, so I had no choice but to carry them, I mean, I was holding up the line and it’s not like I wanted to carry her bag.

After getting from the airport, we took the Haruka to Kyoto. Finally, a private bus – you can bet your life that Kimil-Sensei reserved that - took us to Kyoto’s Hotel Okura. It was a very beautiful place, there were these blue rooms we got to go through that had a great view of central Kyoto, there were also some awesome looking designs on the wall… or whatever…. I guess what I’m trying to say is… the hotel was good.

[Tidusauron12]

“Didn’t you see? The color seemed to follow our plane as it went! It was even being broadcast on other networks bases like CTN!”

“Yeah! I also heard that NOAA and JM were going to send reconnaissance aircraft into the concentration of the most energy from the light! It was only in Kanagawa, where we took off in Kanto, but I’ve heard it’s occupied all of the prefectures that our plane crossed over! That’s right, 10 prefectures, and the last one being Kansai, which is where we just landed…”

I sat there in the lobby, watching the debate geeks talk about the sky, until Kimil-Sensei gave us our room numbers. She wasn’t always crazy, I mean she was nice enough to put me and Mimi in the same room, despite the fact that we were but two different genders. I guess she trusted us together.
When we started for the elevators, Mimi was busy talking with some one else, so I was surprised when someone bumped into me.

“Hey, Maramoto Hiroki-San?”

I looked at him. “You’re… Serada Maru-san? Why are you talking to me?” I was even more surprised. Serada Maru. He was one of the most popular kids in school, and I was… well, I just couldn’t stand the attention of so many at once. Why would he… oh well…

He smiled. “It’s alright, Hiroki-kun. I’m talking to you because you have a single room with Doherty Mimi-sama, on of the hottest girls in school.” He looked at her as he spoke; I looked at her too. “I know you guys have been friends for a long time, but if you really like her as much as I think, then you shouldn’t let this opportunity pass.”

My face went red. “You don’t mean get her to have s – “

His hand covered my mouth. “Of course not, No!” When he was sure I’d keep quiet, he let go. “It’s just a good time for you guys to… you know… get together, I mean, think about it, at school it’s real boring to date people, but since we got so long out here in Kyoto, it can be really romantic, don’t ya’ think? Especially with that weird colored sky thing goin’ on.”

I looked at Mimi, and wondered if the girl she was talking to was saying the same thing Maru was. “Yeah… I see ya’ point…” Maru smiled. “B-but, it’s not like that! We’re just fri – “

“Listen man, I know how it is, but come on. It’s just too obvious to hide. Just be cool about it and admit it!”

I looked at him. “Just be… cool about it?”

He nodded. “Yep, be cool about it.” He looked back at something, and then looked back at me. “Well, nice chatting with ya’, but I’m obligated to my fans.” And with that, he was gone. I watched him away, towards the large crowd of people that usually stayed around him.

I frowned. “Great. If he’s talking about this, then my relationship with Mimi has gotten too public.” I kept walking, pressing the elevator button to go up. But maybe that Ishikawa Maru guy isn’t that bad… oh well…

[Tidusauron12]

I opened the door with the card key. “Well Michan, we’re here.”

Mimi smiled. “Yeah!” I stood there, just smiling at her. I was thinking about what Maru had told me. She started to tap a foot. “Well, aren’t you going to go in?”

I stumbled into the door. “Oh yeah!”

Mimi chuckled. “You’re too silly sometimes!”

I screamed at the sudden weight that came upon my back. “Hey Michan! Give me a break! Get off of me!”

She giggled. “Not a chance, slow poke!”

“Have fun in there you two!” Aoi.

“Yeah… have a lotta’ fun married couple!” Nobu. They snickered.

I felt Mimi’s weight shift on top of me, like she turning around or something. I almost went unconscious from the pressure. “For your information, we’re gonna’ have lots of fun!” The weight shifted again. “Isn’t that right, Hiroki!?”

“U-uh… yeah… but first you gotta’ get off me… Michan… Ah!” I sounded like an imp when I spoke; I guess she weighed a little more than I thought.
Michan giggled again. “Oh… sorry Marchan!” Marchan… that just doesn’t work…

After that, I didn’t hear from the two losers, but I did see Maru when I went to close the door. He was walking down the hall way, but by himself. Maru, by himself? Wow.

Maru took a big nod at me, his long black hair flying everywhere. “Good luck, Hiroki-kun!” He had stopped for a moment, but then he just kept walking, his hands in his pocket. I frowned. He does kinda’ look cool… I guess… I closed the door.

“Hiroki-Chan! Come and look!” It was Mimi.

I nodded. “Fine, but what’s the big deal?” Putting my bags down by the door, I hadn’t even made it halfway across the hotel room when I noticed the bright, radiant colors, beaming through the room. “What da’…”

Mimi smiled. “These are the same colors from earlier! On the plane!”

Iran over to the window, beside Mimi. “No way…” I was stunned.

Mimi smiled. “It’s Twilight Eclipse…” I noticed that Mimi was hugging me, but I wasn’t thinking about that, I was thinking about the sky. “Hiroki… it’s so beautiful…”

When we had arrived at the hotel, the sky was colored but we could see the bright yellow moon and some dark blue night sky. But now it was all Colorful, the whole sky was a bright light, streaming the colors of red, orange, yellow, pink, and even blue. The moon looked like a giant Orange-red orb, floating in the sky. It was very beautiful, but it made me feel really scared.

I stepped back. “It’s like… Northern lights… but…” I had this feeling, like I was in some place I hadn’t been to before…but not like the hotel, ‘cause I hadn’t been here before… but like a entirely different planet.

Mimi held on to me even harder. “Hiroki-Chan… this light… It’s making me want to do something…”

I looked at Mimi. She was perched on my chest. I reached to touch her hair. "Michan..."

A loud crashing sound. I spun around. My eyes widened. “You!”

[Tidusauron12]

Hiroki-X. He stepped through the door, a weird look on his face. I shook my head. “W-what are you doing here?”

He chuckled. “You know… I’ve been getting these weird feelings lately…” He closed the door behind him. “Like… home… it feels like home…”

Mimi looked at him dazedly. She smiled. “I remember you… from that dream…”

My eye brows shot up. “What! You were… Michan! You were there too?” It made sense now… why she had gotten so sad on the plane.

Hiroki-X sat down on the one bed that was in the room. “Hm… Mimi-san… I think you’re really attractive…but…” The Twilight Eclipse picked up a bit more, colors pushing through the room… through everything.

Mimi’s face turned a little red. “What?” I just stood, not knowing what to do. My bat is still by the door… what if he attacks?

Hiroki-X looked at me. “Don’t worry, kid… I’m not interested in fighting right now… I’m too… homesick.” He got up. “Don’t get me wrong though…” His voice is softer than usual. “I’m still after you… I have to prove… I’m the real one.” His movements are slower than I remember…

I jumped back, closer to the window. I whispered. “Mimi… stay behind me.” She nodded. “Stay back!” He kept walking towards us. What’s he going to do!?

“Get out of my way…” He picked up his pace. I didn’t want to, but I decided it would be better to avoid conflict with the guy.

He raised his hand slowly. “Destruction!” A red light came in his hand. He ran and jumped out of the window, his hand going first. He was gone. But then I saw green light come from down… “Construction!” The shards of window he had broken were replaced, and the window was fixed. And just like that, he was gone.

I stood, looking at the window. So that’s how he did it? Like… he never was there. I remembered when he jumped from my window… how my dad said nothing was wrong with my window afterwards.

Mimi looked at me blankly. I gritted my teeth. She’s the only person I’ve ever known that came into contact with the twin! How! The dream… and again just now!”

At that moment, Mimi toppled to the floor. “Michan! Michan!” I got her into the one bed in the room, and then struggled until I got her under the covers.
Her eyes slithered open. “It’s just that sky… Hiroki… the sky… says we should… sleep.”

I looked at her unsurely, until the twilight eclipse sent another bright surge into the room. I looked up, squinting into the light. Then looked back down at Mimi. “What do you…?” She was asleep. I patted her hair softly. “Sleep good… Michan…”

I walked over to the window. The twilight eclipse had died down, but it was still taking up the entire sky, like a blanket over the earth… a blanket of life. I looked out the window, to see how the city was taking it. What does this all mean? What picture does it paint for our future? I looked at Mimi, then back to the window. “What!” Something hit my eye. I looked down to see what it was, and that time, it hit my brain. A man in a car seemed to be looking at me. The car window went up, and then the car drove off. What da’…

I shrugged it off and then went to the bed. “Well Michan… I’m tired too, so…” I yawned. “I’ll be sleeping with you.” I turned off the lights, and then climbed into the bed, all my cloths still on. I closed my eyes.

“Hiroki-Chan…”

“Huh!” She woke up?

“Good… night.”

I looked out the window for awhile, at the colors. “Yeah… good night to you too…”

A pair of panties landed on my face. “Wha…” They were wet. “You and your sex jokes!”

…

[Tidusauron12]

“I saw a boy in the window. You think that’s him?”

“Yeah right, one in a couple million.”

“It doesn’t matter. What does matter is the fact that we know the person who is the source is in this city.”

“You’re right. The JM and NOAA’s reconnaissance aircraft reported the highest concentration of energy and radiation over this city. The source is here.”

“Just what is the stuff anyways? It's starting to give me the creeps.”

“The scientists say it is a foreign substance, they cannot identify what it is. It’s made of element never observed in this solar system, let alone Earth. They call it, Anomalous Borealis.”

“Are you saying it’s… from a different planet?”

“That’s a possibility that’s not likely. Anyways, let’s stick to our job for now.”

“Yes. Our true job is to find the source. That is our first priority, and an important obligation.”

The car turned the corner, disappearing into a dark hole in the city.