What Not to Post: An Unofficial Gulde for Forum Newcomers

It's no secret the Internet can be a scary place— identities get stolen, reputations get ruined, and entire message boards are armed with torches and pitchforks while waiting vigilantly for some new guy to post something they don't agree with. If you're one of those new guys, don't take it personally. Instead, learn to take the incoming flames in stride, and present yourself in a way better guaranteed to make you more respectable. With these guidelines, any newbie can go from outcast to Cool McAwesome quite easily.

Rule #1: DON'T BE A DOUCHE

Admittedly, I had already touched on this rule in a previous article, but it's important enough to mention twice. No newcomer should ever expect a good welcome when posting drama-invoking hate comments, let alone hate-provoking troll comments. It's not funny, and it will only make you look stupid, so if trolling is your purpose, just get out.

Rule #2: Know Your Forum's Environment

Now this is a rule I often find overlooked, but nonetheless shouldn't be. Basically, it means take the time to observe forum members' general behavior, tastes, views, pet peeves, and what have you; in other words, get to know them. Naturally, this also includes minding the forum's official rules, and keeping yourself out of the moderators' crosshairs; breaking such rules consistently is a surefire one-way trip to bantown, so behave.

Once you get the main feel of your forum's social environment, you'll have a better idea on what to say that won't piss everyone off. After all, you're expecting your new forum to respect you with open arms, so it's only common courtesy to respect them in turn.

Rule #3: Put Effort Into Making Your Posts

Okay, let's all get the Grammar Nazi accusations out of the way. But yes, posting in message boards is not like speed-texting to your 134 Twitter followers or whatnot. Like it or not, you're expected to know at least the basics of English grammar, and how to properly deploy it in your comments. So be sure to spellcheck frequently, mind common mistakes, and don't use any lazy abbreviations like "lol" or "omg".

But most importantly of all, when making particularly long posts, USE PARAGRAPHS. Don't just write some wall of text and expect people to read through it; it's a chore amongst chores for readers everywhere, and the sheer size of one is usually enough to cause headaches. With that in mind, as long as you're able to keep your posts simple and to the point, you'll probably do fine.

Rule #4: Avoid Arguing Whenever Possible

Perhaps the best way to alienate yourself from a forum forever is by starting a sensitive topic guaranteed to bring about endless heated arguments. Such topics can vary per forum, but generally anything involving politics, religion, or current events is a flame war waiting to happen. So it shouldn't take a newcomer half a brain to know not to start such topics.

Of course, should an argument become absolutely unavoidable, like when another member is attacking you personally, the best thing to do is respond as respectfully as humanly possible. If a member flames you, do not flame back or even whine about it; just respond in a respectful, yet appropriately discontent manner while reporting said member to the moderators. Remember, even if your reputation is at stake, it's not worth it to create more trouble for yourself.

Oh, and if you even dare to bring Hitler or anything Nazi related into an argument, don't bother posting anymore.

Rule #5: Your Personal Life Is Your Own Business

Face it, you're dealing with faceless people who have never met you before. Chances are no one on a message board is going to care if you're in a rough stage in your life, so any topics about your personal woes and/or tragic history are a big no-no. Your stories are better off amongst your immediate peers, or a professional therapist if they're that serious; not here.

The same rule also applies to topics about happier stages of your life, or otherwise irrelevant details on yourself. THIS IS WHAT TWITTER AND FACEBOOK ARE FOR. Use those sites instead if all you have to write is personal trivia.

Rule #6: Your Fetishes Are Your Own Business

Believe it or not, in spite of the anonymous Internet's reputation, people on message boards typically don't want to see half-naked pictures of your favorite characters or whatnot. They also don't want to know your own list of particular kinks, especially if they include something controversial like furries or lolicon. So keep your fetishes to yourself, and avoid posting any pictures or videos not suitable for work.

Other General Rules

-Don't start a new topic if a similar one was created within a month.

-Conversely, don't revive topics that have not received any comments for more than six months.

-When stating an opinion, back it up with legitimate reasoning, not with "because I said so" or anything similar.

-Use research whenever necessary. Be it on a news story or the latest episode of a certain show, at least know the subject matter before you comment on it.

-If you can't take the time to research a topic, don't post in it at all.

-No "THIS SERIES SUCKS" or "THIS SERIES IS THE BEST" posts whatsoever.

-No "me too" posts. Ever.

-Don't abuse smilies. They're just obnoxious.

-Don't spam overused Internet memes. They're even more obnoxious.

-DON'T BE A DOUCHE. That's right, it's important enough to be listed three times.

Thank you for reading, and I hope your stay on this forum is an enjoyable one. And don't be afraid to comment if you have any questions; just so long as you take this article to heart.