How the memories fade

I've spent a long time away from the things that I've loved, the people I knew, the songs they sang, life is a never ending twist.

I still remember my grandparents passing, and they were so good to me way back when, but all I can think of was how I just let their lives pull me along. I held no voice of my own just a childish love of the things around me.

I always assumed that the next year would be like the last, the same joy of being a kid in my parents house with someone always there to watch me.

But time is never consistent, the next years came and the love slowly faded, though I kept my childish thoughts inside always expecting people to carry me on their shoulder. I never truly grew up till it was too late.

Kids at school always made fun of me, how I was always trying to be better than I was but never understood why, why I was so weak and cowardly to push myself forward.

The memories have faded since then, I have grown old, though young to everyone around me, I feel like I have spent my time here. Every time I work I feel like I have miles of skill to achieve, and they are always pulling away from me.

But I am also stronger than I was back then, this time I wont let myself fall. To be pushed back and never gaining anything. I will do whatever it takes to climb higher, because if I fail this time it may be the end for me.

Now I wonder if people will ever notice if I suddenly disappeared from the world, if I sat back out of eye site from those who've I've met with a bad impression.

I wonder if they will continue to retain such bad impressions. If I died in my bed over night would they think anything of it.

Would the people I loved, friends, family, relatives, people I've gotten to know well, will they be there when I'm gone?

I know I haven't shown a light on many people and in most cases that light grew dim and dark and gloomy. I wonder if that light will get brighter and healthier once I'm no longer here.

Do not take this as a thought of suicide, I've done that many times before. You all read my blogs without a single response to them. I wonder, what's even the point? I open up my mind to the world only to hit a brick wall with no way around it.

I can't stop being the person I am, but I can over achieve people, I will get over people and live my life alone, like I always have. In the dark waiting for someone to take me in like a child, until I see a light into Hell or Heaven or wherever I might end up when I'm no longer of this world.

I have no empathy for you, I am a cause of your dismal gloom, I have nothing to be ashamed of, my passing will be the end of my torture of this life I have built, so let it be.