Korean drama

So Haro! is writing this entry in the hopes of getting advice from the AN community, and also for the sake of venting his frustrations.

As we all know Haro! has only two fears, robots and commitment. While I have not had to deal with deadly robots, I have had to deal with the latter. See I had been friends with a girl for about 6 months. We met at the library and just sort of became friends. She's not the most attractive girl in the world (I'd say 7 out of 10) but she is extremely nice. That's all I thought it was at first she was being nice and friendly and polite, so I hung out with her often. (All the while having a few girls that I dated without commitment) I mean this girl would make lunch for me on a regular basis or offer to pay for dinner or anything else. I admit to accepting when I was broke. I didn't think this strange because many of my friends do the same thing. So this friendship carried on for some time, when all of the sudden...

She makes her declaration of love to me, interestingly, near the place we first met. In my mind I'm thinking "holy sh" and trying to change the subject as she was getting on to that topic. My conscience took into account all the good things she did for me, and I accepted her feelings and said that I had feelings for her as well. Another consideration was that another guy was interested in her, but he seemed like a total jerk that only wanted to get in her pants (pot calling kettle black, I know) and seemed to have little respect for her. I wanted her to avoid that, and thought this was the surest way to do so.

This was two weeks ago and I don't think I can carry on much longer. It is especially hypocritical considering my last blog post in which I realize what feeling I want to have. More specifically I know who I have such feelings for. This whole thing feels dishonest on so many levels. I'm lying to her and not being true to myself.

My main thought is, I want to end this with as little damage as I can. I love her as a friend and ideally I'd like to keep her as a friend. My track record with that is not very good. I'm not sure how I am going to do this but the sooner the better.

Bonus information. She is not the girl I went to the Guggenheim with (that girl is an 8.5 but not as nice). Another girl I was dating this summer is going back to China, and I'm quite saddened by this. She called me this evening to tell me and it caught me by surprise. I have somehow become attached to so many people lately, and it feels weird. I can usually just move from person to person without really becoming attached, but not lately. This idea of avoiding commitment really has become unsustainable. I believe the expression for this is "wanting my cake and eating it too"