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AnimeNation Adventures: Alpha Female Wars (Part 05)
Posted September 18th, 2011 at 07:40 AM by A Dead Spy
"Yes, Spy, we get it. Now stop *****ing and do something about this war."
The next morning was a hellish annoyance for Ryuuji and company, having endured the shell-shocked woes of A Dead Spy all night long. Naturally, Ryuuji spent the whole night trying to slap some sense into the depressed ADS, though all he got out of him roughly amounted to outbursts such as "DAZZLE'S DEAD" and "OH GOD I FAIL AT LIFE".
"Spy, you stubborn, melancholic ****," Ryuuji insulted. "How much longer is this melodrama going to last? Because I hate to break it to you, but while you've been whining your *** off all night, more people have probably died from this Alpha War. Now, are you going to keep annoying us with your emo act, or are we going to toughen up and stop this war before it's too late?"
Of course, Ryuuji doubted ADS was even listening to him, for ADS merely remained silent while playing Tetris extremely sloppily.
"So what game is he on now?" Desslock, having overheard Ryuuji's speech, stepped in.
"He's on his 956th game of Tetris," Ryuuji sighed, his head pointed to the floor in dismay. "And all he's been doing is pressing the down button."
"So no luck getting through to him?"
"Obviously. Why, you have an idea?"
"Something like that," Desslock responded, an evil smirk running across his face as he approached ADS. "Oh Spyyyy..."
ADS merely grunted, having somehow scored his first line despite never having moved his pieces.
"I'll tell you what," Desslock offered, "I'm a pretty influential guy, you know. Maybe I can find Videl and talk her out of her special deadly contest. In exchange, I claim your title as Princess Celestia, and you can be Rarity. If we have a deal, just grunt once."
"**** you..." ADS half-heartedly replied.
"Close enough," Desslock smirked. "Now then, Ryuuji, shall you accompany me in my great and noble quest?"
Ryuuji propped his head back up, stunned over Desslock so easily taking advantage of ADS's angst.
"Desslock, you had me at Spy's '**** you'. Now let's go."
______________
Videl's secret lair really wasn't much of a secret. While it was cleverly hidden inside the volcanic pits of Mt. St. Helens, Videl had clearly neglected to shoo away Google's scout vans upon their discovery. Thus, all Ryuuji and Desslock had to do to find it was download Google Earth. Naturally, they arrived in a heartbeat, the aroma of liquid hot magma making them nearly choke.
"Really, Videl?" Ryuuji complained, coughing while wiping off his sweat from the poor air conditioning. "Was it really your idea to go cliched Bond villain for your headquarters?"
"Hold your hooves, Twilight," Desslock intervened, the heat and stench somehow fazing him much less. "At least wait until we find Videl before you waste your energy bickering."
And so they continued their path, Ryuuji stopping every now and then to look at the various warheads, death traps, and complete lack of handrails that surrounded the base.
"All I'm saying is that she could've at least taken more safety measures before installing catwalks directly above a ****ing lava pit," Ryuuji criticized once more as he and Desslock crossed the aforementioned catwalk.
"Please," Desslock scolded. "You're a big bag of magic tricks and dirty cheat codes. I don't think even a banhammer, let alone lava, would be enough to kill you."
"But even so-"
"Quiet," Desslock interrupted, both of them now at the end of the catwalk as the reached a chamber door marked as Videl's office.
"Okay, fair enough," Ryuuji corrected himself. "But how exactly did we make it all the way to Videl's quarters without encountering a single enemy along the way?"
"You watch far too many movies, don't you, Twilight?" Desslock mocked, knocking on the door in an apparent attempt to further annoy Ryuuji.
"Y... You REALLY believe she's just going to let us in?!"
"Why, have a better idea? Use your head, perhaps?"
Ryuuji didn't know which was creepier: the impending doom that awaited the other side of the door, or Desslock's evil grin as he grabbed onto his neck and picked him up by the torso battering ram style.
"Oh, **** you, Desslock..."
"Shut up and lower your horn, Twilight. It's going to be a bumpy ride."
"YOUR LOUSY PUNS AREN'T HELPING, YOU KNOW!"
Of course, Ryuuji's attempts to stop Desslock were futile, for once Desslock counted to three, Ryuuji felt his head clang against the metal door, his now manifested purple horn somehow piercing a small hole through it. On Desslock's second charge, a bigger hole was made on the door, leaving Ryuuji with a headache seemingly ten times bigger.
Then, on the third charge, before any more damage could be made to Ryuuji's skull, the door automatically opened, leaving Desslock no time to stop as he ran Ryuuji right through the passageway and into a large glass tube filled with steaming hot water. Naturally, the tube collapsed instantly, partially flooding the office with continuously spouting water, and prompting the attention of the woman sitting on a giant rotating throne.
"I think... we're screwed..." Ryuuji mumbled in a daze, while Desslock ignored him in favor of the woman watching them.
"... Wait, you're not..." Desslock murmured.
"Oh? Expecting someone else?"
Shiroiyuki, attired in crimson red and gold, stepped out of her chair and toward the mess left behind.
"You know, if you really wanted in so badly, all you had to do was ring the bell," she joked in a cruel tone of voice, as she focused her attention toward the broken tube, where two other girls adorned respectively in gold and silver lay nearly motionless.
"Where's Videl?" Ryuuji demanded, glaring directly at Shiroiyuki while Desslock turned toward the other two.
"Bold question from someone who was supposed to be banned by now," Shiroiyuki scolded. "I really don't think you want to meddle into our business, little pony."
"Little...?!" Ryuuji growled, quickly losing his temper. "That's it! I don't care if you're a mod, I'm kicking your-"
Before Ryuuji could even finish his threat, Shiroiyuki slapped him in the face hard enough to knock him down. She then knelt down and grabbed onto his neck, choking him just tightly enough to prevent him from speaking.
"The next hit, pony, will be from my banhammer."
Not needing to say another word, Shiroiyuki released her grip, pushing Ryuuji back to the floor as she did so. She then walked over to the other two girls, in the process throwing Desslock aside.
"Don't interfere with my prey," she warned Desslock, turning over to the other two. Before she could release her banhammer, however, she felt a sudden nick on her shoulder.
"Gotcha, *****," the silver-clad girl boasted, having extended her snake-headed polearm banhammer just enough to touch Shiroiyuki.
"I owe you one, Relena," the other girl in gold thanked, slowly getting up as she released her pyramid-shaped mace banhammer. "Now then, I believe the tides have turned in our favor. Shall we finish you, then?"
"Don't get so excited, Taleen," Shiroiyuki scoffed. "You went through all that trouble with your playing dead routine, and all you could manage was one measly scra- wait..."
As quickly as she spoke, Shiroiyuki noticed silver barbed vines growing out of her bleeding shoulder and wrapping around her entire body within moments. Already she felt the venomous stings from all over the barbed ends of the vines, making it a miracle she was still able to stand.
"W-WHAT IS THIS?!"
"Heh, just as I thought," Relena exclaimed. "I'm afraid one scratch is all it takes for my banhammer to defeat you. Taleen, would you do the honors?"
"MY PLEASURE!" Taleen roared, the pyramid head of her banhammer striking the ground as a bursting pit of lava completely surrounded the paralyzed Shiroiyuki. Already walls of red text began to flow along with the lava as they closed in on the seemingly helpless moderator.
"A fine effort, both of you," Shiroiyuki congratulated coldly. "Indeed, nobody else could possibly survive your counterattack... but the truth is, while it may only take one move to check me, I DON'T NEED TO MOVE A SINGLE FINGER TO CHECKMATE YOU!"
As the wall of lava completely blocked Shiroiyuki from view, six crimson lances flew straight through the walls and pinned both Taleen and Relena to the floor. Before either of them could retaliate, red text seeped from each lance, causing them both to vanish instantly as their banhammers fell to the ground.
"I really did admire your skills, you two," Shiroiyuki admitted, the lava and the vines disappearing as the crimson lances merged back into her bloodstream. "But too bad for you, every cell of my blood makes up my banhammer."
Able to move again, she turned back to the stunned faces of Ryuuji and Desslock, glaring at them while pointing her finger toward the door.
"Get out," she demanded.
"Not until you tell us where Videl is," Ryuuji replied sternly, Desslock silently nodding. Shiroiyuki, meanwhile, simply pointed toward a few drops of her blood still on the floor.
"Your current Alpha Female is in another castle... now..."
As she scolded the two, her drops of blood charged straight at them, narrowly missing each of them by just a millimeter. Naturally, Shiroiyuki's point was made at that very moment.
"GET. OUT."
The next morning was a hellish annoyance for Ryuuji and company, having endured the shell-shocked woes of A Dead Spy all night long. Naturally, Ryuuji spent the whole night trying to slap some sense into the depressed ADS, though all he got out of him roughly amounted to outbursts such as "DAZZLE'S DEAD" and "OH GOD I FAIL AT LIFE".
"Spy, you stubborn, melancholic ****," Ryuuji insulted. "How much longer is this melodrama going to last? Because I hate to break it to you, but while you've been whining your *** off all night, more people have probably died from this Alpha War. Now, are you going to keep annoying us with your emo act, or are we going to toughen up and stop this war before it's too late?"
Of course, Ryuuji doubted ADS was even listening to him, for ADS merely remained silent while playing Tetris extremely sloppily.
"So what game is he on now?" Desslock, having overheard Ryuuji's speech, stepped in.
"He's on his 956th game of Tetris," Ryuuji sighed, his head pointed to the floor in dismay. "And all he's been doing is pressing the down button."
"So no luck getting through to him?"
"Obviously. Why, you have an idea?"
"Something like that," Desslock responded, an evil smirk running across his face as he approached ADS. "Oh Spyyyy..."
ADS merely grunted, having somehow scored his first line despite never having moved his pieces.
"I'll tell you what," Desslock offered, "I'm a pretty influential guy, you know. Maybe I can find Videl and talk her out of her special deadly contest. In exchange, I claim your title as Princess Celestia, and you can be Rarity. If we have a deal, just grunt once."
"**** you..." ADS half-heartedly replied.
"Close enough," Desslock smirked. "Now then, Ryuuji, shall you accompany me in my great and noble quest?"
Ryuuji propped his head back up, stunned over Desslock so easily taking advantage of ADS's angst.
"Desslock, you had me at Spy's '**** you'. Now let's go."
______________
Videl's secret lair really wasn't much of a secret. While it was cleverly hidden inside the volcanic pits of Mt. St. Helens, Videl had clearly neglected to shoo away Google's scout vans upon their discovery. Thus, all Ryuuji and Desslock had to do to find it was download Google Earth. Naturally, they arrived in a heartbeat, the aroma of liquid hot magma making them nearly choke.
"Really, Videl?" Ryuuji complained, coughing while wiping off his sweat from the poor air conditioning. "Was it really your idea to go cliched Bond villain for your headquarters?"
"Hold your hooves, Twilight," Desslock intervened, the heat and stench somehow fazing him much less. "At least wait until we find Videl before you waste your energy bickering."
And so they continued their path, Ryuuji stopping every now and then to look at the various warheads, death traps, and complete lack of handrails that surrounded the base.
"All I'm saying is that she could've at least taken more safety measures before installing catwalks directly above a ****ing lava pit," Ryuuji criticized once more as he and Desslock crossed the aforementioned catwalk.
"Please," Desslock scolded. "You're a big bag of magic tricks and dirty cheat codes. I don't think even a banhammer, let alone lava, would be enough to kill you."
"But even so-"
"Quiet," Desslock interrupted, both of them now at the end of the catwalk as the reached a chamber door marked as Videl's office.
"Okay, fair enough," Ryuuji corrected himself. "But how exactly did we make it all the way to Videl's quarters without encountering a single enemy along the way?"
"You watch far too many movies, don't you, Twilight?" Desslock mocked, knocking on the door in an apparent attempt to further annoy Ryuuji.
"Y... You REALLY believe she's just going to let us in?!"
"Why, have a better idea? Use your head, perhaps?"
Ryuuji didn't know which was creepier: the impending doom that awaited the other side of the door, or Desslock's evil grin as he grabbed onto his neck and picked him up by the torso battering ram style.
"Oh, **** you, Desslock..."
"Shut up and lower your horn, Twilight. It's going to be a bumpy ride."
"YOUR LOUSY PUNS AREN'T HELPING, YOU KNOW!"
Of course, Ryuuji's attempts to stop Desslock were futile, for once Desslock counted to three, Ryuuji felt his head clang against the metal door, his now manifested purple horn somehow piercing a small hole through it. On Desslock's second charge, a bigger hole was made on the door, leaving Ryuuji with a headache seemingly ten times bigger.
Then, on the third charge, before any more damage could be made to Ryuuji's skull, the door automatically opened, leaving Desslock no time to stop as he ran Ryuuji right through the passageway and into a large glass tube filled with steaming hot water. Naturally, the tube collapsed instantly, partially flooding the office with continuously spouting water, and prompting the attention of the woman sitting on a giant rotating throne.
"I think... we're screwed..." Ryuuji mumbled in a daze, while Desslock ignored him in favor of the woman watching them.
"... Wait, you're not..." Desslock murmured.
"Oh? Expecting someone else?"
Shiroiyuki, attired in crimson red and gold, stepped out of her chair and toward the mess left behind.
"You know, if you really wanted in so badly, all you had to do was ring the bell," she joked in a cruel tone of voice, as she focused her attention toward the broken tube, where two other girls adorned respectively in gold and silver lay nearly motionless.
"Where's Videl?" Ryuuji demanded, glaring directly at Shiroiyuki while Desslock turned toward the other two.
"Bold question from someone who was supposed to be banned by now," Shiroiyuki scolded. "I really don't think you want to meddle into our business, little pony."
"Little...?!" Ryuuji growled, quickly losing his temper. "That's it! I don't care if you're a mod, I'm kicking your-"
Before Ryuuji could even finish his threat, Shiroiyuki slapped him in the face hard enough to knock him down. She then knelt down and grabbed onto his neck, choking him just tightly enough to prevent him from speaking.
"The next hit, pony, will be from my banhammer."
Not needing to say another word, Shiroiyuki released her grip, pushing Ryuuji back to the floor as she did so. She then walked over to the other two girls, in the process throwing Desslock aside.
"Don't interfere with my prey," she warned Desslock, turning over to the other two. Before she could release her banhammer, however, she felt a sudden nick on her shoulder.
"Gotcha, *****," the silver-clad girl boasted, having extended her snake-headed polearm banhammer just enough to touch Shiroiyuki.
"I owe you one, Relena," the other girl in gold thanked, slowly getting up as she released her pyramid-shaped mace banhammer. "Now then, I believe the tides have turned in our favor. Shall we finish you, then?"
"Don't get so excited, Taleen," Shiroiyuki scoffed. "You went through all that trouble with your playing dead routine, and all you could manage was one measly scra- wait..."
As quickly as she spoke, Shiroiyuki noticed silver barbed vines growing out of her bleeding shoulder and wrapping around her entire body within moments. Already she felt the venomous stings from all over the barbed ends of the vines, making it a miracle she was still able to stand.
"W-WHAT IS THIS?!"
"Heh, just as I thought," Relena exclaimed. "I'm afraid one scratch is all it takes for my banhammer to defeat you. Taleen, would you do the honors?"
"MY PLEASURE!" Taleen roared, the pyramid head of her banhammer striking the ground as a bursting pit of lava completely surrounded the paralyzed Shiroiyuki. Already walls of red text began to flow along with the lava as they closed in on the seemingly helpless moderator.
"A fine effort, both of you," Shiroiyuki congratulated coldly. "Indeed, nobody else could possibly survive your counterattack... but the truth is, while it may only take one move to check me, I DON'T NEED TO MOVE A SINGLE FINGER TO CHECKMATE YOU!"
As the wall of lava completely blocked Shiroiyuki from view, six crimson lances flew straight through the walls and pinned both Taleen and Relena to the floor. Before either of them could retaliate, red text seeped from each lance, causing them both to vanish instantly as their banhammers fell to the ground.
"I really did admire your skills, you two," Shiroiyuki admitted, the lava and the vines disappearing as the crimson lances merged back into her bloodstream. "But too bad for you, every cell of my blood makes up my banhammer."
Able to move again, she turned back to the stunned faces of Ryuuji and Desslock, glaring at them while pointing her finger toward the door.
"Get out," she demanded.
"Not until you tell us where Videl is," Ryuuji replied sternly, Desslock silently nodding. Shiroiyuki, meanwhile, simply pointed toward a few drops of her blood still on the floor.
"Your current Alpha Female is in another castle... now..."
As she scolded the two, her drops of blood charged straight at them, narrowly missing each of them by just a millimeter. Naturally, Shiroiyuki's point was made at that very moment.
"GET. OUT."
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