Parody [FF7]

[keated]

Okay, first things first... this is purely out of fun, i mean no offence to ANYONE by it... secondly, please dont flame me about it! Thirdly, if you dont want to read, it's not like I'm forcing you! Oh, and it's quite possible that you may find spoilers in here... besides, it won't be as amusing until you've played it through... lol...


Completed. Should perhaps go through with a fine toothcomb looking for spelling mistakes etc...

Ah, who'm I kidding? That ain't gonna happen! Haha!

After that? We'll see ;)


[My favourite quote is near the beginning of post 10 :D]

if you want to comment, post here [I haven't had a really bad review yet!]:


yay! i got replies! :D lol [and feel free to tell me if you DON'T like it... constructive criticism is always welcome!]

has anyone passed any of this parody along to friends or anything? if so :D thnx! :D lol... feel free to, if you think it's good enough... and if u know anyone who'd enjoy it lol...

[keated]

(*Starts with a stary night sky, changes to Aeris gathering flowers.*)
Aeris: Achoo! Bloody flower allergies (*sniff*)
(*view changes around, so that you can see the train station, where the train containing MUDSLIDE comes in. Jessie, Wedge, Biggs and Basset depart, and Cloud jumps off*)
Cloud: OW! Damn... I just sprained my ankle!
Basset: Wuss!
(*Cloud limps towards exit*)
Cloud: Oh no! a not-so-random encounter! With some guards! Never saw that coming!
(*random battle commences*)
Guards: Ha ha! We've got guns! Oh crap... he's bulletproof... perhaps we're just bad shots?
(*Cloud swings his Busted sword around, using it more like a club than a sword*)
Cloud: Ha ha... yoink!
(*Cloud steals potion from deceased guard, before going to meet up with the rest of MUDSLIDE, outside the reactor*)
Cloud: You know, i would have thought that they'd put slightly better guards around...
Basset: Shuddup... now you EX-SAILOR %^*&, what's your name?
Cloud: Same as it was when I signed up, dumbass.
Basset: Don't move as a group, and get into the Baka Reactor
MUDSLIDE: YEAH!
Cloud: Yeah, sure...
(*no one except Cloud gets into any kind of fight whilst going into the Baka Reactor, whereas Cloud gets into 57, as he decides to level up. No one even notices he's half an hour late*)
Basset: Okay! In we go! Wedge, use your fat *** to stop anyone from blocking that door!
(*wedge runs up to door, and sits on his fat ***, while the rest of MUDSLIDE run further into the reactor*)
Basset: All know what we gotta do?
MUDSLIDE: Yeah.
Cloud (*slight groan*): Yes
Basset: Right! That's it! You're coming with me hotshot
Cloud: Hey: What'd I do?
Basset: I don't know, but if there's two of us, one can use the pheonix downs if the other gets KO'd
Cloud: You mean it's just for plot?
Basset: Yeah, now, go talk to Jessie to get the damned doors open!
Jessie: Hey, I hear ya...
(*doors open... cloud walks on to the elevator*)
Cloud: Now, remind me again why we're doing this?
Basset: $%&£ Cloud, it's for the Planet, or don't you care?
Cloud: Not like it's my problem
Basset: Oh, sorry... forgot that you live on Planet Cloud...
(*cloud walks off the elevator, and into a random battle*)
Cloud: is it just me, or do these always happen when you're JUST ABOUT to open the menu?
Basset: Is it just me, or do we never see them coming... and how come my gun does less than your sword?
Cloud: 'Cos I'm on a higher level.
Basset: It's a GUN... the only strength you need is to stop recoil... and im sure im not THAT bad a shot!
(*kills enemy that looks like the drainage system, come alive, before running through the door to the next room. Cloud watches Jessie climb up the ladder [honestly, it has nothing to do with getting a look at her rear end], before climbing the ladder himself. Cloud walks over to Jessie*)
Cloud: You alright? You look stuck...
Jessie: Stuck? Me? Nah... my legs NATURALLY have metal intertwined with them.
Cloud: Okay. Cya!
(*Cloud climbs down the ladder*)
Cloud: OOH! A savepoint!
(*saves game before running towards the working bit of the reactor, the rest of it just being for show*)
Basset: Well, looky looky... a shiny green thingy on the floor!
Cloud: That's Hysteria you idiot...
Basset: Oh...
(*'recieved "Ah, That's Better" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Beats me what kind of idiot leaves a piece of Hysteria lying around though
(*does the special, slow, Cloud shrug, before planting the bomb. Surprisingly, it's taken all this time for an alarm to go off*)
Basset: Oh look... a big metal do-hickey
(*Battle commences*)
Basset: Attack while the tail's up!
Cloud: Why?
Basset: 'Cos then it counterattacks!
Cloud: Uh... isn't that a reason NOT to attack while the tail is up?
Basset: Oh yeah... tsk tsk, silly me...
Cloud: Hey dude: Your limit guage is full
(*Basset looks down at the control bar*)
Basset: So it is!
(*Uses 'Big Clot' attack. Big metal scorpion dies*)
Basset and Cloud: Yay!
Basset: Hey... wht do monsters and stuff carry Gil?
Cloud: Perhaps they've just eaten someone who was carrying some?
Basset: Oh, okay then... oh, by the way, we should get out of here, cos, in case you forgot, the BOMB!
Cloud: no problemmo... we can get out in a third of the time.
(*goes back out the way he came, until he gets to Jessie*)
Jessie: Hey Cloud, i wasn't stuck last time you asked, but i am now!
Cloud: Okay then...
(*Cloud pulls Jessie out*)
Jessie: Thanks!
(*Cloud continues out the way he came*)
Basset: Yo - Biggs: Move your fat ***!
Biggs: Oh damn, im stuck!
(*the rest of MUDSLIDE ram into him, pushing him into the tunnel*)
Basset: Awite! We out! Meet up at the train station in a coupla minutes!
MUDSLIDE: Yeah!
(*all go their seperate ways, after Biggs has put out the fire on his behind. Cloud walks up the stairs, and bumps into Aeris*)
Aeris: Hey, watchit!
Cloud: (options) Yo baby!\ Get lost!\ Hey, flowers! (chooses 'hey, flowers!')
Aeris: You want a flower? They're a single Gil, 'cos I'm really skint!
Cloud: (options) buy\ don't buy (chooses buy)
Aeris: Yay! Now maybe mum'll let me in the house...
(*Aeris walks off, and cloud goes towards station*)
Soldiers: Ey up! It's that guy we're after! He might have kicked the arse of that big scorpion, but we're MUCH harder, right boys?
(*muffled agreement, and the words 'go on, you first'*)
Cloud: Screw this!
(*Cloud jumps onto the train*)

[keated]

(*Cloud jumps onto the train*)
Cloud: So long, suckers!
(*Cloud gets hit in the head by a low bridge, becoming mildly concussed*)
Jessie: What happened to Cloud?
(*sound of something heavy hitting the top of the train*)
Basset: It was a pidgeon. Cloud's dead, accept it. Yay! don't have to pay him, and I kept the Hysteria!
(*door opens, cloud swings in*)
Cloud: What'd I miss?
Basset: Oh, we were making funeral plans
Cloud: Who's?
Basset: Yours.
Cloud: Oh... so you were all worried about me, huh?
Basset (*sulky*): Would have taken the money out of your paycheck...
(*MUDSLIDE goes through to the next car. Shinra manager gets up*)
Shinra Manager: Why do I always catch this train...
Basset: Awite... new world wecowd!
Jessie: Hey, Cloud, wanna watch this screen with me... hint hint?
Cloud: Sure... why not.
(*Cloud goes over, and is asleep halfway through Jessie's explanation, but wakes up just before the end*)
Jessie: So, Cloud... want me to make you a SPECIAL pass, so you can get into special places?
(*Jessie winks*)
Cloud: Woah! Slow down there!
Jessie: Come on... what's the worst that could happen?
Cloud: Oh... okay then.
(*The train gets to the station, and MUDSLIDE depart*)
Basset: I know, let's go to Tifa's Bar, and all get plastered!
Biggs: Sounds like a plan to me!
Basset: Cloud, get your spikey haired *** there ASAP!
Cloud: Hey, how'd you know my *** was spiky haired?
(*MUDSLIDE go towards Tifa's Bar, the Final-Fantasy-7 Heaven, Cloud lags behind*)
Guy: Hey, wanna see my special area?
Cloud: Huh? Sicko!
Guy: All right then... lemme put it another way: wanna stare mindlessly at the pillar with me?
Cloud: Sure, sounds fun
Guy: You know, if that pillar were to collapse, we'd all be in deep crap... hint hint
Cloud: I'm not in the least suspicious about why you're telling me that.
(*Cloud follows the rest of MUDSLIDE to Tifa's Bar, and watches Basset throw some people out for not paying their tab, before following him in*)
Marlene: Papa Bertie!
Basset: I told you not to call me that...
Marlene: But you look like Bertie Basset, the guy made out of Liquorice Allsorts!
Basset: Tifa, I'm home!
Tifa: Hi Basset! How was your day at work?
Basset: I fought a big metal scorpion, blew up a Baka Reactor and caused several million Gil worth of damage.
Tifa: Same old, huh? Oh, Hi Cloud! is that a flower in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
Cloud: Actually... Um... it's a flower for Marlene.
Marlene: Yoink!
(*Marlene now runs behind the bar*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud, everyone else is going down, you want to?
Jessie (*whisper*): Oh yeah, not TOO obvious
Cloud: Sure... do I get my money then? Cos I am SO outta here when I've got my money. Really. I mean it. There's no changing my mind!
Tifa: Sure. Now, get down there. Basset's waiting for you!
(*Cloud gets on the pinball machine, and goes down to the basement, after getting a new high score*)
Cloud: Gimme me money!
Basset: You *&$% what makes you think you deserve any?
Cloud: Well, I did kind of blow up that reactor...
Basset: Okay, here...
(*Cloud goes up, using the pinball machine*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud! Remember the childhood promise?
Cloud: What? That if we're both single when we reach 35, we marry eachother for company?
Tifa: No! Not that! The OTHER one!
Cloud: Nope... doesn't ring a bell.
(*Cue the well scene*)
Tifa: Ha! I'll bet, but if you remember, you've got to rescue me if I'm ever in a bind and can't get out
Cloud: Not my problem if you're into all that bondage stuff and get stuck.
Tifa: You know what I mean... Well, I'm in a bind now
Cloud: Yeah, but I'm not famous!
Tifa: Yeah, well... still gotta do it... you're here, aren't you?
Cloud: Okay then... I'll stay.
(*Basset comes up*)
Cloud: The next fee is more
Basset: $*%* that's Marlene's college fund!
Cloud: Hand it over... if you don't protect the planet, will there BE a college for her to go to?
Basset: Damn... good point
(*Basset hands over the money*)
Basset: Oh, and how does this here Hysteria work? Tell me, and I'll give you that shiny piece we found!
Cloud: Oh, it's really easy... you just dump the Hysteria into the holes in your weapons and armour, but some of it's just crap, like the 'Kill Me' hysteria, aka cover, unless you want a limit break, but even then the Manipulate Hysteria works better.
Basset: What's all this 'Easy' %&*$? Ah, you handle it!
Tifa: We've got a long day tomorrow, and I'm planning to come, so shall we go to bed?
Cloud: Uh... Tifa... you COULD have phrased that one better...
(*All of them go back down via the Pinball machine until the morning*)
Tifa: How did you sleep Cloud?
Cloud: (options) not too well... I was ogling you all night\ great... I had this really interesting dream that you wouldn't want to hear about... I was a fish... (chose 'Great...')
Tifa: Oh... okay then. That's... nice.
Basset: Let's get going!
(*MUDSLIDE run to the train*)
Manager: Twice in two days? Oh well... at least this time I can ogle Tifa...
Tifa: Did you say something, buddy?
Manager: Uh... no... oh... look at the time... I'd better go...
(*The manager runs for it, and Basset spreads himself out on the comfy seat again*)
Basset: Ah... this is the life.
(*An alarm goes off*)
Basset: The hell is goin' on?
Jessie: It's the security checkpoint! It's earlier than I thought!
Basset: Always the way... you early, it's late, you're on time, it's early, you're late, it's on time.
Jessie: What the HELL are you on about?
Voice from the train: Lockdown in 20 seconds
Cloud: Leggit!
(*Cloud and MUDSLIDE run along the train, until they get to the end*)
Cloud: It's a guard!
Jessie: It's only me! What do you think, Cloud?
Cloud: You make a great guy!
(*Cloud winks*)
Jessie: Uh... thanks... I think...
Basset: Yo Cloud! Let's jump out like suicidal maniacs!!!
Cloud: Cool! You first!
Basset: Nah, the leader's gotta stay behind... YOU first
Cloud: Okay, but if I die, I'm blaming you...
Basset: Well, go on then!
Cloud (*muttered*): What was all that about there's no getting off this train metaphor...?
(*Cloud jumps off*)

[keated]

(*Cloud jumps off*)
Basset: C'mon, the Baka Reactor's up ahead
Cloud: Sure, but let's spend an hour here leveling up first though, okay?
(*After said hour, cloud runs along the passage towards the checkpoint, and the exit*)
Basset: Oh &$£%, a security checkpoint, nowhere to go now
Tifa: Hey, isn't there a hole nearby you can squeeze down?
Cloud: Tifa! Please, this is hardly the time!
Tifa: I MEAN that ventilation shaft behind you!
Cloud: Oh, right.
Basset: *$&% Tifa, I can't fit down there!
Cloud: Well, just enter my body, or possess it, or whatever it is that you normally do...
(*Basset and Tifa run into Cloud's body, before he climbs down into the ventilation shaft, and makes his way towardswhere the rest of MUDSLIDE are, climbing up into the ventilation duct with Jessie*)
Jessie: Just you and me, huh?
(*Basset and Tifa step out of Cloud's body*)
Jessie: OH... right. Sorry Cloud, it's all my fault, with that new card I made for you... wanna see?
Cloud: Sure
(*Jessie hands over the card, which says: Cloud Strop, Male Chippendale*)
Cloud: Uh-HUH... Jessie, how often do you get out?
Jessie: Only when we're blowing up a reactor. It's down that tunnel, by the way... you're going to have to crawl. I'd suggest going head first, so you can see where you're going.
(*Cloud gets into the tunnel, and crawls along, not noticing Jessie watching him from behind. He gets to a ladder, before going down, into the Baka Reactor.*)
Cloud: What? Did they pay someone once to design all of them or something? Cheapskates...
(*Cloud slides down the pipe*)
Cloud: WHEE! This is fun!
(*Cloud then proceeds, exactly like the other reactor, until he gets to the place for the bomb to be planted, where he collapses. Basset kicks him in the groin*)
Basset: Geddup, lazy $&%*!
Cloud: Argh... I think I've got a migrane...
Basset: Ah, quit complaining. There we go. Now I think we should probably scarper!
Tifa: Good idea!
(*Cloud goes out the way he came, gets to the elevator, goes up, and gets to the control pannel*)
Cloud: Hows this work?
Tifa: You gotta push all three at once!
Cloud: Well, if i lie on there, i can push one with each leg, and one with my hands?
Tifa: No, it's gotta be 3 people, 'cos it's more annoying to have to do it that way!
Cloud: Ah, I see now.
(*After 30 failed attempts, Cloud manages to push the switch at the right time, when giving up and just leaning on it, before going through the doors, saving, and going further on, into the part where the path splits into two*)
Cloud: Oh no! A load of soldiers, like the ones we've been killing so easily, are blocking our path! Let's give up and stand here!
President: Hiya! (mhm... pies... I love pies)... well, don't know who you are, but you terrorists are gonna get killed. Well, I'm late for lunch (mhm... lunch... I love lunch...) so I'l be going now.
Basset: Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? You did! You did! You fat %&£$*%$! You fat *&%$%*%! You ate all the pies!
Cloud: Hey, I'm Cloud!
President: That's nice, but you're no Bob, so I can't be expected to know or care about your name.
(*President gets into non-ergonomically correct helicopter, and flies away, whilst singing about pies*)
President: Oh, and incidently, here's a nice really-really-dead-hard-honest piece of machinery from our R&D boys. Enjoy!
(****-Buster comes on, and gets between Cloud and the others*)
Basset: Watch out Cloud! It's *** has it's most powerful weapon!
Cloud: Ah, who cares...
(*Cloud uses a limit break, and ***-Buster turns around. Tifa and Basset use limit breaks, and the thing is broken*)
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, watch out... it's gonna blow!
(*Cloud raises an eyebrow, but before he can comment, the ***-Buster explodes*)
Tifa: Cloud! Are you all right?
Cloud: Yeah, fine and dandy, thanks for asking...
Basset: This place is going to blow up in a minute!
Cloud: (options) Be strong\ be a wuss (chose 'Be strong')
(*Cloud starts doing pull ups*)
Cloud: Hey Tifa, look what I can do!
(*Cloud slips, and Tifa tries to grab him, but Basset, seeming to enjoy this immensely, grabs her and pulls her back up*)
Tifa: Cloud!
(*Basset pulls Tifa out from the Baka Reactor, while Cloud falls into the darkness below, and there are explosions behind*)

[keated]

(*Basset pulls Tifa out from the Baka Reactor, while Cloud falls into the darkness below, and there are explosions behind*)
Mysterious Voice: Hey dude! Good thing they never thought to put in a floor, huh?
Cloud: What?
Mysterious Voice: I reckon you could get away with just a graze here
Cloud: Huh?
Aeris: It's not moving... maybe I should go through the pockets?
Cloud: Uh?
Aeris: Damn... i mean GOOD.. you're alive!
(*Cloud opens his eyes, and is the middle of a cabbage patch*)
Cloud: What? Where?
Aeris: You £$*%£$%, you landed in my cabbages!
Cloud: Cabbages? I thought you sold flowers?
Aeris: I do all sorts of fruit and veg.
Cloud: Whoah! TOO much information!
(*Cloud gets up*)
Aeris: Do you rememebr me then?
Cloud: (options) yeah, you were selling flowers after i blew up the Baka Re- um... i mean when I was in the area... \ yeah, weren't you the slum slut? (Chose 'Yeah, you were selling flowers')
Aeris: You DO remember!
Cloud: What's your name?
Aeris: It's Aeris... look, you can see it at the top of the blue speech boxes. And if you call me Aerith, i'll hit you on the head with my big bo-peep-style-sheep-rod-thing.
Cloud: Right...
Aeris: So, what do you do for a living?
Cloud: I'm a jack off all trades
Aeris: You mean an odd-job man?
Cloud: ...
Aeris: Ever been a bodyguard?
Cloud: Of course!
Aeris: Wanna be MY bodyguard?
Cloud: It'll cost you.
Aeris: How about one date?
Cloud: What KIND of date? The kind that ends in a slap on the face, the kind that ends in a nightcap, the kind that ends with a kiss at the doorway, the kind that-
Aeris: We'll see.
Cloud: Sounds like a great idea to me!
(* Renaultand soldiers enter*)
Renault: Hey Bo-Peep!
Aeris: Oh no! Let's go into the back room!
Cloud: Slow down a bit...
Aeris: We've got to go now... you've got to keep me safe!
(*Cloud and Aeris leg it into the back room. Renault goes up to the cabbage-patch, walks straight through it, subtly pockets one, and then turns around to the troops*)
Renault: Get her... oh, and don't walk through the cabbages.
Soldiers: But you just did!
(*Cloud and Aeris, in the next room, run up the stairs and up a fallen pillar, before the guards enter, and start shooting. Cloud and Aeris get to a gap in the floor*)
Cloud: Jump!
Aeris: No way, and let those pervs down there see up my dress? Forget it!
Cloud: Oh well... I'm off!
Aeris: Aiee!
(*Aeris falls down to the ground floor, and is followed by various guards*)
Aeris: Cloud! Help me!
(*Cloud runs around in the rafters, and finds a beer keg that miraculously hadn't been stolen, before accidently knocking it it down into the guards whilst trying to find a way out. The guards loose interest in Aeris, and pull out beer-mugs. Aeris climbs up and jumps the gap, as the guards are busy drinking, before running up into the rafters with Cloud. Cloud legs it across the rooftops, but Aeris manages to catch up.*)
Aeris: Wait!
(*Aeris does an overtheatrical jump*)
Aeris: Thanks!
Cloud: Those were Greeks!
Aeris: So? Who're they?
Cloud: They recruit people for SAILOR, but do other cool stuff like kidnapping on the side.
Aeris (*Innocently*): Oh... do you think they want me for SAILOR?
Cloud: Dunno... you want to join?
Aeris: No.
Cloud: Nah, (I'm glad I never did)... I mean... it was terrible... really bad. Really really bad.
Aeris: Huh?
Cloud: Nothing. Let's get you home.
Aeris: Oh yeah...
(*Cloud takes Aeris through to the shopping part of the Sector 5 Slums*)
Random Person: Hey, there's a guy in that tunnel, and he seems really ill!
Cloud: How... nice
Aeris: Oh! Let's go see! Please? Pretty please?
(*Cloud goes into tunnel, and sees the guy.*)
Guy: RRRRrrrrRRRRrrrr
Cloud: Ha! Yeah, tell me about it...
Aeris: Hey, look! This guy's got a tattoo... 'Bite me'?
Cloud: Woah... I want a tattoo...
Aeris: You don't need one.. you've got your trademark spikey-hair
Cloud: Damnright!
(*Cloud and Aeris go to Aeris' house*)
Aeris' Mom: You brought home another one? What is it with you and SAILORs?
Aeris: Don't go, (wait for it...) overboard mom! He's my bodyguard.
Cloud: And may I just say it was a PLEASURE guarding her body
(*Cloud waggles his eyebrows*)
Aeris: I'm taking Cloud back to sector 7.
Aeris' Mom: Not tonight... it'll wait until morning.
Aeris: Okay!
Aeris' Mom: Aeris, go upstairs and tidy up.
Aeris: Sure thing mom!
(*Aeris runs upstrairs*)
Aeris' Mom: Listen, she had problems with someone from SAILOR before, so, if you wouldn't mind, well... could you %&$* off in the middle of the night, so you won't be here tomorrow?
Cloud: You want me to %&$* in your house?
Aeris' Mom: No! I mean go away!
Cloud: Oh, right... SURE you do...
(*Cloud winks, before going upstairs*)
Aeris: Hey Cloud... I made my bed for you! Oops! I mean the spare bed... hint hint.
Cloud: Oh, thankyou.
(*Cloud goes to the spare room, and drops off to sleep*)

[keated]

(*Cloud goes to the spare room, and drops off to sleep*)
Cloud's Mom: Hey Cloud, you know you should get up off your lazy *** one day and get yourself a girlfriend!
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: I'm not accusing you of anything, but, well... they say that those boys in SAILOR... swing the other way, and no son of mine is going to be that way inclined!
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Now, don't worry Cloud, I just arranged for someone to come round later to meet you. Now, be nice, but I'm paying her by the hour.
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Well, it's either that, or you get yourself a girlfriend... I'll bet all the girls in the city just can't keep their hands off you.
Cloud: Not really...
Cloud's Mom: Say, what you need is an older girlfriend to look after you.
Cloud: ...
(*Cloud wakes up*)
Cloud: Woah... that brought back memories i never needed... time to scarper!
(*Cloud leaves the room, and tiptoes past Aeris' room, after checking through the keyhole in case he could see anything, before creeping downstairs. He now ran all the way to the crack in the wall, where Aeris was standing. Cloud looks behind him, towards Aeris' house, then back at Aeris*)
Cloud: How did...?
(*That slow Cloud shrug*)
Aeris: Come on... it's just through here.
(*Cloud walks through the crack*)
Cloud: Hey, what happened to this... road?
Aeris: I don't know... maybe it was just put in 'cos it looks cool?
Cloud: Okay then!
(*Cloud and Aeris go through the cracked road, encountering various creatures, until they reach the other side*)
Cloud: What's the deal with those Hellhouses?
Aeris: I don't know... you may as well ask what's the deal with any of the other suspicious looking monsters!
(*Cloud and Aeris go through to the playground*)
Aeris: Wow! It's still here! Although i only came here the day before yesterday, I'm amazed!
Cloud: Okay, we can stop... need a push on the swing?
Aeris: Nah, I'll be okay... Sector 7 is just through that big gate there, incidently?
Cloud: You mean the one Tifa's just come out of, in a chocobo... chariot?
(*Tifa in the back of the chocobo carriage heads away towards Floor Market*)
Aeris: No, I'd say more of a carriage... you know her? Looks a bit like a hussy to me!
Cloud: She's not normally dressed like that...
Aeris: looking like that, I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't normally dressed at all!
Cloud: Come on... let's follow her to see what's goin on
(*Cloud and Aeris run after the carriage, and into the Floor Market, up to Don Corny's Mansion*)
Cronie: Sorry, only fit birds allowed! She can come in, but you can't!
Cloud: Oh, we'll be back. I can't let you go in alone Aeris
Aeris: How do we get in then?
Cloud: I know! I'll mix business with pleasure and cross dress to get in!
Aeris: Great idea! Where do we get all the stuff from? Floor Street?
Cloud: No need... I've got my own! Um, i mean, for just such an emergency... obviously. Only when i need to. Really.
Aeris: Uh huh.
Cloud: I'll... I'll just go and change in that alleyway then...
(*Cloud runs into alleyway, and a few seconds later, Mz Cloudette emerges*)
Aeris: Woah! Um... Cloud... is that you?
Cloud: Yes.
Aeris: I think we should be able to get away with it!
(*Aeris and Mz Cloudette enter Corny's Mansion, and go down to the S&M room in the dungeon*)
Tifa: Who the %&*$ are you?
Aeris: I'm Aeris, and THIS...
Cloud: Hey Tifa!
Tifa: Cloud? Actually, I'm not sure if i WANT to know...
Cloud: Just don't tell Basset, okay? We don't want him getting ideas...
Tifa: Sure... I can honestly say, I'm never intending to tell ANYONE about this.
Cloud: So, why're you here?
Aeris: Excuse me... I'll just cover my ears, and hum an annoying tune so i can't eavestrop.
Tifa: Well, Basset thought someone was spying on us, and ended up chasing him around the Sector 7 Slums. Long story short, he threatened to nail the guys genitals to the wall, if he didn't tell us who he was working for, and Corny's name popped up. So, I'm here to find out what's going on.
Cloud: So, what's the plan?
Tifa: Every night, Corny gets 3 girls, and chooses one to be his... companion. I was planning to get in there, and, either see if i could corner him into telling me, or see if he talks in his sleep.
Aeris: Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear... okay, i admit it... i was straining to listen... anyway, if the other 2 girls were doing the same thing, no problems, hey?
Tifa: You're right!
Cloud: Let me guess, no need to ask, but, I'm the third, right?
Tifa: You're right...
Aeris: There was no need to ask.
Cloud: You know, i REALLY wish we'd already met Yuffie at this point...
Cronie: Yo, *&%$%$£, the Don is ready for you now!
(*All go up to the Don's room*)
Corny: Oh boy!
Cloud (*Whisper*): Have i been rumbled?
Corny: hmm... this one... this one... or this one... ah... for tonight, it shall be... HER!
(*Corny points at Cloud*)
Cloud: Uh... m-me? (*gulp*)
Corny: You boys can have the other 2! This one is MINE!
(*Cloud is taken down to Corny's 'special' chambers, which look like some psychodelic 60's love-den*)
Corny: C'mon! Gimme a kiss!
Cloud: Uh... o-okay then...
Corny: My, my... you're so muscular!
(*Cloud leans over to Don Corny, just as Aeris and Tifa bust in*)
Tifa: Ew! Gross! Cloud, you weren't...?
Cloud: Of course not!
(*Cloud throws off the female clothing, and Corny gasps*)
Corny: Now it makes sense... wow, i think this is a new beginning for me!
Cloud: Eugh! Now, tell us why that guy was there!
Tifa: Spill it... or...
Aeris: I'll bite them off!
Corny: Ooh! Kinky! But I'm under a lot of pressure too...
Cloud: Save it... what was it all about!
Tifa: Tell us... or...
Cloud: I'll mince them!
Corny: NOOOOO! I still can't tell you... they've got ways of keeping you alive for months... MONTHS!
Tifa: Quit holding out... or...
Tifa: I'll crush them with a stelleto heel!
Corny: All right! You win! the Shine-Ra wanted me to find out where MUDSLIDE was based! Heh heh heh... then, they're gonna squish them under the big pizza! You know it's a peperoni slice?
Tifa: WHAT? We've got to do something!
(*All rush to leave*)
Corny: Wait a minute!
Cloud: Shut it!
Corny: This'll only take a moment... why do you think a sleaze-ball like me would tell you all this?
Cloud: (options) Because you really like the look of Cloud, and wanna hit on him\ Because you were dropped on your head as a child\ you were born with only one testicle\ you're going to drop us into the sewers, where we'll have to fight some big monster? (Chose 'you're going to drop us...')
Corny: Well, it WAS going to be the first one, but that last one's a damn good idea!
(*Corny drops them all into the sewers*)

[keated]

(*Corny drops them all into the sewers, meanwhile, in the president's office...*)
President: Well, we need rid of MUDSLIDE... so we'll blow up a chunk of the city to kill them.
Reef: Uh... isn't that a little... extreme?
Lowdigger: Nope! Big explosions! Great fun! We can add a firework display, and tell people to bring the kids!
President: That's not quite what I had in mind. We drop the pizza on them. A peperoni slice.
Lowdigger: Gyahahahaha!
President: See to it.
(*Lowdigger and Reef leave*)
President: Heh heh heh... and then we send in the rescue team, care of Shinra... in case there's any pies buried down there... (Mhm, I love pies!)
(* Cloud gets up, and nudges Tifa and Aeris*)
Cloud: Oh great, what ELSE could go wrong? I mean, look at my dress! It's RUINED! Those stains won't come out... uh... not that i care... really...
(*Distant rumble, getting closer*)
Tifa: What was that?
(*Apper appears*)
Apper: Grrrrrrrrr!
Cloud: Time to kick his (wait for it...) Apps...
Apper: Grrrrrrrr!
(*Cloud uses a limit break, and kills Apper*)
Tifa: That was like, SO hard!
Cloud: Yeah... now, let's get going!
Aeris: Ooh! Sparkly!
(*'recieved "Yoink" Hysteria'*)
Tifa: Cloud... let's GO!
Cloud: Huh? Oh, right... the pizza!
(*They run through the sewers, and end up in the train graveyard*)
Aeris: This is the Train Graveyard, isn't it?
Cloud: Whatever gave you that idea? I mean, I'm serious? Was it all the trains, or all the ghostie enemies we keep running into up here?
(*They walk to the end of the graveyard*)
Tifa: There's no way out!
Aeris: Look, perhaps some of the trains still work?
Cloud: Uh... why don't we just climb up that train at the end?
(*They climb up, and run to the pillar, there is gunfire above. Wedge comes crashing down, leaving a small crater*)
Wedge: Wow! My fat *** broke my fall!
Tifa: Wedge... you're all right?
Wedge: Never better... any chance of some nachos?
Tifa: Aeris, you're too wussy to climb the tower, right?
Aeris: Hey! I just gotta... uh... go back home to check on Mom...
Tifa: Whatever, anyway, there's a girl in my Bar, take her somewhere safe, wouldya?
Aeris: Sure... YAY! A decent reason NOT to go up there...
(*Tifa ans Cloud begin to climb the pillar*)
Biggs: Hey Cloud, nice timing... feel like stopping this pillar from collapsing?
Cloud: You betcha!
(*Cloud starts to climb up again*)
Jessie: Hey Cloud! Nice to know you're the last thing I'll see!
Cloud: (options) Don't say last\ ... (Chose 'Don't say last')
Jessie: It's okay... although it's a kick in the teeth to die a vir- oh, hi Tifa.
(*Cloud and Tifa continue climbing, until they reach to top, where Basset is frantically firing at another ergonomically-incorrect helicopter*)
Basset: Shi-it Tifa, you coulda got here sooner!
Tifa: Well SOR-RY!
Basset: Get equiped... don't worry... we've got plenty of time. Press the triangle button to-
Cloud: Button? Basset, are you high on something?
Basset: Whatever... here they come!
Tifa: Actually, it's just one person...
(*Renault jumps down, and presses the button*)
Renault: There we go... honestly, don't see why they couldn't send just one repair worker to do this subtly...
Basset: You *$%*&$%!
Renault: Although you can't disarm it, you've gotta go through me to get to it!
(*The first fight against Renault begins*)
Cloud: I'm glad we stocked up on grenades!
(*After a couple of dozen grenades, Renault sags a little*)
Renault: I'm not beaten. Really. I... uh... just remembered I left something cooking...
(*Renault jumps from the pillar, missing the waiting helicopter by a matter of feet*)
Tifa: Cloud... can you shut it down?
Cloud: Me? I never got past page two of 'Computers For Dummies'!
(*Another ergonomically-incorrect rises.*)
Tsing: I Wouldn't mess with that if I was you.
Cloud: Oh, and why's that?
Tsing: Well... because you might find a way to stop it... anyway, I'm off with Bo-Peep
Aeris: Don't worry Tifa... She's safe! Hi Cloud... some bodyguard YOU are...
Tsing: Oh... you've RUINED the effect now!
(*Tsing slaps Aeris, before flying off*)
Tifa: You know, i think we should probably get out of here...
Basset: Oh look! A handy rope!
(*Everyone climbs on, and they swing to... relative... safety*)
Basset: 'JESSIE! BIGGS! WEDGE!
Tifa: He was killed by a giant slice of peperoni pizza...
Cloud: It was the way he would have wanted to go.
Tifa: Even his fat *** couldn't save him from that...
Basset: MAR-LEEEEEENE!!!!
(*Basset runs off*)
Cloud: Should we tell him?
Tifa: Nah... he's happier when he's pissed off...
(*Cloud shrugs, and follows Basset slowly, catching up with him quickly*)
Basset: Marlene...
Tifa: Hey, chill Basset... Aeris said that 'She's safe!'
Basset: Aeris? Aeris? Who the %&$* is Aeris?
Tifa: That girl in the helicopter...
Basset: Ah, what the hell... anything to believe she's alive!
Tifa: Ooh! Look! Another sparkly!
(*'Recieved "Lookie, Lookie!" Hysteria*)
Basset: I know! Let's go to that Aeris' house, and grill the mom for information about Marlene!
Cloud: Cool idea!
(*They wander to Aeris' house, spending enough time leveling up to get Cloud's Meatballs-Rain limit*)
Aeris' Mom: Oh... it's you...
Cloud: Hey, don't suppose Aeris dropped a kid off here?
Aeris' Mom: Yeah. I mean, what: does she think, I'm running a daycare centre here?
Basset: Lemme see her! Lemme see her!
Aeris' Mom: Upstairs, first on the left.
(*Basset moves so fast he leaves smoking footprints*)
Tifa: Uh... I've got some kinda bad news... Aeris got captured by the Shine-Ra
Aeris' Mom: Oh... again? Damn. Oh, you'll be wanting to know why she looks nothing like me, right? Well, it's like this... I found her in the cabbage patch. I knew right away she was weird or something, 'cos she kept trying to talk to the cabbages.
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris' Mom: Well, my hubby was away, and i was lonely... Then she said he was dead, and of course i grounded her for a week, but the next week i got a letter saying 'Sorry, you're husband fell down a well, whilst raiding a village, and is dead.'... oh, and the SHine-Ra are always after her. She knows she's from the cabbage patch, a cabbage patch kid as it were, but, unfortunately, i never got round to telling her the NORMAL way that parents get lumped with children.
Cloud: Ugh?
(*Basset comes down the stairs*)
Basset: Come on! Let's go and get Aeris
Tifa: Um... one thing... how do we get to the topping of the pizza?
Basset: I'm sure there's a way... come on let's go to Floor Market to see if there's anything we can use there.
(*They go back to Floor Market, and find the long pipe up*)
Cloud: Hey! You saw that from Aeris' house, didn't you!
(*They climb up, until they get to an unworking piece of machinery*)
Cloud: Okay, we tried, let's just give up and go back down...
(*Basset kicks the machinery, which springs into life*)
Cloud: OR, i guess we could do that...
(*They contine to climb up the pipe*)

[keated]

(*They contine to climb up the pipe*)
Tifa: Woah! Look! The Shine-Ra building!
Basset: Let's bust in the front way!
Cloud: With Tifa with us, is it possibly NOT to 'Bust' in?
Tifa: Hey! They're natural, i tell you! And we should go in the back entrance!
Cloud: Sure they are, Tifa. No, let's go in the front way, attracting as many random encounters as we can!
Basset: Yay! I love random violence!
(*Basset pokes his tongue out at Tifa, as his plan was chosen over Tifa's, before they burst in through the glass doors*)
Guard: It's MUDSLIDE!
[another] Guard: Yeah... uh... well, you attack them, and I'll see how you do... if you die, I'll quit, how's that?
[first] Guard: Okay! Sounds fine to me!
(*The first guard attacks Tifa, Basset and Cloud, while the other one runs for cover. Cloud, having leveled up, kills the guard in one hit*)
Cloud: Anyone else want a piece?
(*They run up to the elevators, and enter*)
Basset: Hey, Cloud, how come they haven't just, you know, cut the rope, and let us smash to our deaths rather than sending really REALLY easy enemies at us? I mean, call me Mr. Silly, but, if they're willing to take down a slice of the pizza...
Cloud: I REALLY wish you hadn't said that!
(*The elevator goes crazy, and many random battles ensue. They eventually reach the top, miraculously unscathed*)
Cloud: Look! Guards in red!
(*These guards attack, and drop a keycard*)
Cloud: Why would you give a guard the keycard to the next level up? I mean, it kind of defeats the purpose, surely?
(*Cloud shrugs, before getting into the elevator, going up before getting out, into what looks like a large museum, with statues*)
Tifa: Looks like we've got to sneak past the guards... look for the openeing and then-
(*Cloud and Basset are already running at the guards, gun blazing and sword swinging. Tifa waits, tapping her foot and looking at her watch, while they kill them all, then sit down with a potion each*)
Tifa: Quite finished? Honestly... at this rate, we'll take out every guard in the building...
(*Cloud climbs the stairs, and ends up in what looks like a large lunchall*)
Cloud: Hey, gimme a keycard!
Worker: Sure! I've never seen you before, but here, take mine!
Cloud: Wow! Thanks!
(*Cloud goes back into the elevator, and goes up to the next level, before going to the mayor's office*)
Mayor: Who're you?
Cloud: We're MUDSLIDE, and we're going after President Shine-Ra
Mayor: Oh, cool! Here, take my keycard, this "Sentimental" Hysteria, and this bazooka i keep handy just in case anyone wants to get even with the fat man... heh heh heh
Cloud: Wow, thanks dude!
(*Cloud walks back to the elevator, and goes up a level*)
Cloud: Oh, look, metal sheets...
(*Cloud goes to the computer control*)
Computer: you can open three doors. No more. No less. Well, okay, less if you WANT to, but there's no point...
(*Cloud opens three doors, and ends up in a room with a bag in it. Inside is an oxy-accetaline torch, which he then uses to cut holes in the other doors, gaining the other items, the "Much" Hysteria and a "Pendant"*)
Cloud: Here, Tifa, take this
Tifa: Wow, what's it do? Protect against poison?
Cloud: No, it just looks sparkly...
(*Cloud gets back into the elevator, and goes up a level*)
Basset: Hey, Cloud, if we're looking for Aeris, how come we're spending so long on each level?
Cloud: Cos we'll only get one other chance to be here, and no one else will be then!
(*They enter the treadmil room*)
Tifa: Wow, i love a sweaty guy!
(*Basset and Cloud look at each other, before racing for the nearest treadmil. After a while, they gave up, and Cloud went to raid the lockers*)
Cloud: Hey, i'll pick up all this other useless junk, but let's leave this megaphone here, and not think about it until we're next here
Basset: Sounds like a great idea!
(*Cloud gets back on the elevator, and goes up another level, again aimlessly, and has to, on this floor, run around putting the toppings on a pizza, before getting the keycard to the next level*)
Cloud: Do Shine-Ra executives have to go through all this? If not, what's the point in making each keycard so easily accessible?
Basset: No one likes an impossible game...
(*Cloud gets back on the elevator, before going up a level*)
Basset: Ooh! Ooh! I'm really BUSTING here!
Cloud: you should have gone before we started!
Basset: I did, but, well... look, i had a big breakfast, okay? And i REALLY need to go!
Cloud: Oh, all right... look, there's a toilet over there...
(*Basset runs in, and, after some constipated sounds from inside, there is the sound of someone feeling very much relieved, before Basset comes out*)
Tifa: I REALLY hope you're going to wash your hands!
(*Basset does so, grumbling*)
Basset: You know, I'm sure i heard voices coming from in there...
(*Cloud looked into the cubicle, and looked horrified*)
Cloud: Basset! You could have flushed it!
Tifa: My GOD! It's over the rim!
Basset: Look up there! There's a vent!
Cloud: Bloody good thing too! I hate to immagine what that'd smell like...
Basset: That's where i heard voices from! Let's go see if I'm right!
Tifa: Oh well... at least that gigantic turd gives us something to climb up... but we ARE going down to the showers on the treadmil floor before we go anywhere else, understand?
(*Cloud climbed the mountainous turd, and into the vent, crawling along, until he could see the Shine-Ra executives sitting beneath him. Professor Mojo is wearing a psychodelic lab coat. Basset stretched his feet out onto the vent as the meeting below went on, and president complaining, and Basset scraping of some of the... substance... it had picked up, which fell onto an air-blowing machine below, just as the President finished his rant*)
Lowdigger: Wow, the **** really hit the fan that time!
President: Professor Mojo, how goes your research?
Mojo: Groovy baby! Aeris isn't as good as her mom, but we're making progress... i think we can work out where the Prommised Lard is in a few years time, with it's legendary rich salad dressings
President: And all that salad means a lot of life, meaning...
Rouge: Baka energy! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Mojo: I'm going to experiment with that groovy chick and a dimmer switch! Later dudes!
(*Mojo left, and Cloud, after as Tifa had insisted, taking a wash, followed up a floor, and then looking into the tank in Mojo's laboratory*)
Cloud: Bendover...
Tifa: Excuse me? This is NOT the time Cloud!
Cloud: Argh... I'm getting another mild headache!
Basset: Nutter...
Cloud: Bendover is Bob's... but... they said she was... they brought it here?
Basset: Gonna tell us more, or just mumble?
Cloud: Just mumble
Basset: Okay then
(*Cloud continues on, towards the staircase that professor Mojo just took*)
Tifa: Oh! look... a lion-ey thingy! Oh, and look! Another shiney!
(*'Recieved "Icky" Hysteria*)
Tifa: Ugh... oh well... let's go!
(*Cloud climbs the staircase as the 'lion-ey thingy' goes up in a lift. Cloud arrives upstairs, to see Aeris in a big fishtank*)
Cloud: Let her go!
(*The 'lion-ey thingy' gets moved into the same fishtank*)
Mojo: I'm helping two species on the brink of extinction survive... shagadellic baby YEAH!
(*The 'lion-ey thingy' mollests Aeris for a moment, until there's a flash, and the door opens*)
Lion-ey Thingy: Sorry about that... uh... just got a little carried away... (*pant pant*) it was just to put of Mojo... really...
Cloud: What's your name?
Lion-ey Thingy: Well, call me whatever the %&*$ you want, Hojo wascalling me Redex... like Fedex, but in lion-ey thingy form...
Mojo: Hello!? Are you still paying attention to me? Thankyou... ahem... aha! Now fight my super-hard boss type creature!!!
Redex: Ooh! It's been so long since i got to kick the fying crap out of anything, can i join your party?
Cloud: Don't see why we can't ALL fight... oh well... Tifa, you go and look after Aeris...
(*The battle begins, and, as soon as Cloud's limit is full, but not used, they kill the Boss type creature easily*)
Cloud: Boring!
Tifa: Oh! Look! Another shiney thingy!
(*'Recieved the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysteria'*)
Basset: Awite! Let's get outta here!
Cloud: Hey dude! Why not go and kill the Shinra executives while we're here?
Basset: Nah... leave SOMETHING to do tomorrow, or it's the job agency for us... and dya think YOU could get another job? I think not!
Cloud: When you put it like that...
(*Cloud heads down the stairs, and gets to one of the glass elevators*)
Aeris: You know, this reminds me of a book... mhm... chocolate!
(*Renault and Ford enter*)
Renault: Could you press 'up' please
Ford: So, anyway, i says to her 'you cant-'
Renault: Wait a minute! These are the guys that gave me the broken arm, thus why i asked them to press the button!
Ford: Really? I thought you said there were 50 Dark Dragons?
Renault: Uh... maybe i exagerated? A little? But, uh, these were the, uh, the guys in charge of them! (Yeah! As a lie, that'll work!)
Ford: Oh, all right then... you know your lips move when you do that?
Renault: Do what?
Ford: When you're thinking?
Renault: Oh, all right then (Smart ***...) anyway, I'm not thinking
Ford: I can tell
Renault: No, i mean I'm just mumbling!
Ford: Oh, okay then...
(*Tifa, Basset, Redex, Cloud and Aeris are taken up to see the President, who is in the middle of lunch*)

[keated]

(*Tifa, Basset, Redex, Cloud and Aeris are taken up to see the President, who is in the middle of lunch*)
President: Ah, if it isn't landslide
Basset: That's MUDSLIDE you &*%&%$
President: Whatever... (Mhm! Pies! I LOOVVVEEE pies! Mhm...)
Basset: So what're you gonna do, just sit there and stuff your face?
President: Yes! Well... okay, we're going to experiment with Aeris to find the Promised Lard... ah Lard... the only thing i love more than Pies...
Basset: You *&%&$*&!!! I'm gonna... hey! I aint finished!
(*Cloud and the others, including the struggling Basset, are dragged away*)
President: Strange... how does he pronounce that... i mean, it's not like '*&%&$*&' is even a real word... it's a load of... punctuation? Well, not letters... mhm... PIES!
(*Cloud and thre others are in some small cells... or possibly toilet cubicles with beds*)
Cloud: Wow... lucky me... trapped in a small enclosed space with Tifa
Tifa: Didja say something Cloud?
Cloud: Uh, no... not at all... uh...
Aeris: Hey, Cloud, eventhough you're a lousy body guard, you still want the payment?
Tifa: Payment? WHAT exactly are you being paid IN Cloud?
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris: Oh, i said I'd go out on a date with him once
Tifa: Oh... right...
Cloud: Aeris, what IS the Promised Lard?
Aeris: Oh, it's like a place, right, where there's meant to be whole meals growing on trees, and salad instead of grass and stuff... there's also 'Lard in a bun' trees, and stuff like that...
Cloud: Ugh! Well, let's all go to sleep (Woo Hoo! I get to say I've slept with Tifa!)
(*They go to sleep, and wake up. The door to Cloud's cell is open*)
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Cloud goes outside, sees the dead guard, searches him for keys, before kicking him hard in the groin to check that he's dead, before going back, unlocking the cells*)
Basset: Thanks Cloud... right, screw the 'employment for tomorrow'... i wanna kick his fat *** NOW!
(*Cloud follows the trail of blood upstairs*)
Cloud: Hey, look! Looks like Bendover went out for a stroll!
Basset: Let's carry on moving... i wanna kick that fat ***! You know, the one the President speaks out of?
(*Cloud hurries upstairs to the Presidents room/banquet hall*)
Basset: Will you look at that! The fat &*%$&*'s been killed!
Cloud: Only Bob can use that! That's his Mayonaisse Sword!
Basset: So... he keeps a spare? Wait a sec! With the President dead, that means... hmm... as I'm here, do I get to take over Shine-Ra?
(*Basset breaks out in a goofy grin, before another ergonomically-incorrect helicopter flies by the window*)
Basset: Damn... forgot about Rufus!
(*They run outside, in time to see and 8 year old, dressed in white, get off from a helicopter, which then flies away*)
Rufus: Hey! I'm Rufus, and now I'm in charge!
Basset: Argh! You *&$%*£&%*!
Cloud: Get out of here with Aeris!
Basset: Fine... has anyone else noticed that my authority seems to have been challenged?
(*Everyone appart from Cloud runs for it, down the stairs towards the elevators. Tifa stops*)
Tifa: I think I'm going to wait here for Cloud...
Basset: Uh, and what if he gets killed?
Tifa: Nah, I'm going to wait, on this monster infested floor, waiting for him... at least we'd get some quality time ALONE...
Basset: Sure, come on...
(*Basset, Redex and Aeris go into the glass elevator*)
Aeris: Phew... safe at last then...
Basset: Anyone else hear some kind of rumbling noise?
(*Hundred Bummer descends*)
Basset: ANOTHER boss fight? ALREADY?
(*They fight Hundred Bummer, killing it easily with lots of magic*)
Aeris: Thank goodness THAT'S over...
(*They wait. Aeris begins tapping a foot*)
Aeris: EXCUSE ME! Can we have the other one now?
Heli Bummer: Oh, sorry... dozed off there...
(*Heli Bummer descends and attacks, getting killed as easily, before they get to the bottom Basset looks out the front door*)
Basset: There's loads of them out there... we're trapped...
Redex: Wonder how that spiky-haired dude is gettin on...
(*Cloud is standing in front of Rufus*)
Rufus: You want to take me on? I've never lost
Cloud: What? You mean you complain until you get your own way?
(*Rufus breaks into tears*)
Rufus: Waah! Now I'm going to kill you! Or possibly just sue you! (*sniff*)
Cloud: Bring it on!
(*Rufus starts the fight, but Cloud just uses his Metaballs-Rain limit break*)
Rufus: Uh... I've got a company to run (*sniff sniff*)
(*Rufus gets into a helicpopter, before Cloud goes downstairs, bumping into Tifa*)
Cloud (*lies*): Sorry, didn't see you there Tifa
Tifa: Let's go down!
Cloud: UH... Tifa...
Tifa: Oh... sorry... uh... i mean go down the elevator with everyone else!
(*Cloud descends using the elevator. Tifa goes to talk to Basset and the others*)
Tifa: Come on!
Basset: Huh?
Tifa: Into this three-wheeler!
Basset: Where's Cloud?
Tifa: He'll be along in a minute!
(*They all get into the three-wheeler*)
Tifa: I'm driving!
Aeris: No, i am...
Basset: Girls, Tifa should drive... she's got a built in airbag...
Tifa: HEY! They're REAL!
Basset: Course they are... where the &*%$ is Cloud?
(*Cloud rides down the stairs on a motorbike, before smashing the window. Tifa follows on the three-wheeler. A biker gang come and harass the truck, not noticing Cloud swinging his Busted Sword around. The bike and three-wheeler stop at the end*)
Cloud: Hey, why don't we just drive off the end?
Basset: How suicidal ARE you?
Cloud: On a scale of 1-10?
Tifa: Save it... we've got bigger problems
Cloud: Okay, THIS time there's NO reason why we can't all fight this thing... so why are only 3 of us going to?
(*Balls of Steel attacks, and the party use bolt spells, having leveled up enough for bolt2, killing the Balls of Steel easily*)
Cloud: Bob's out there... I need to track him down, to settle the score!
Basset: Okie dokie. See ya.
Tifa: Basset! We're going too!
Basset: Fine... shall we climb down?
(*They climb down*)
Basset: Well, goodbye Blingar! Of course, I'm the leader
Tifa: Actually...
Aeris: We think...
Redex: Cloud...
Tifa: Should be...
Aeris: The leader...
Cloud: Huh?
Basset: All right... fine... be like that... see if i care... choose your group Cloud... safer to travel in smaller groups... Meet up in Panik
Cloud: Never heard of 'Safety in Numbers'?
Basset: No. Now, choose... and we're guessing it'll be Aeris and Tifa, right?
(*Cloud is accelerating over the horizon with Aeris and Tifa*)
Basset: So... Redex...
Redex: Let's just go to Panik, okay?
(*Cloud appears on the World Map*)

[keated]

(*Cloud appears on the World Map*)
Tifa: Bloody hell! Cloud, you're huge!
Cloud: I'm bigger than Blingar!
Aeris: come on... let's just go...
(*Cloud, Aeris and Tifa, after extensive leveling up, several hours worth, and gaining the "Cool Little Rockets" enemy skill on the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysteria, arive in Panik, before going to the inn. No one notices they're late.*)
Basset: Okay Cloud... what the &*%$ is goin' on?
Cloud: Well, it all started when i was... hmm... i think i was 16 or so... i wanted to join SAILOR, and be just like Bob... well, and for the attention from young women it allegedly gave... damn, did i just say that?
Basset: Get to the point!
Cloud: Sorry! I'm just trying to give you some background... but hey, don't blame ME if you don't understand it later... thereagain, someone who couldn't even understand Hysteria-
Basset: Yes, okay, have a good laugh at my expense...
Everyone else: Get to the point!
Cloud: SORRY! Anyway, it was the first chance I'd had to go back to Nibbleheim in... a while... i forget how long...
(*View changes from the Inn to the back of a truck, swinging and swaying*)
Cloud: Travelsick eh? No cure for being travelsick. Except to get out and walk, of course.
Travelsick Soldier: Are you trying... urk... to give me... urk... a subtle... urk... hint?
Cloud: Yes. The truck's stuck in the mud, and we need someone to get out and push.
Bob: Why don't you, Cloud?
(*Cloud does some squats*)
Cloud: Aww! Do i have to? Oh, did you hear? I got some new Hysteria... the "Sneaky" Hysteria...
Bob: Don't be such a kid... want the briefing?
Cloud: Yeah... I joined SAILOR to be like you! So i take any mission where i can proove myself, cos the war was over by the time i made first class
Bob: you talk about yourself too much... can't you see i just don't care? Anyway, you want the briefing?
Cloud: Okay then...
Bob: Okay, now, 5 years ago, the Shine-Ra put a Baka Reactor up on Mount Nibble. Coincidently, 5 years ago, Big Bad monsters started appearing
Travelsick Soldier: I'm not suspicious in the least
Bob: Shuddup. Anyway, we're here to repair the Baka Reactor, which got damaged by monsters, and to get rid of some of the monsters.
Cloud: Yay!
Driver: Uh... there's a fire-breathing dragon on the road... uh... it's looking at me funny...
Bob: I suppose we'd better kill it.
(*Bob sighs, before he and Cloud get out. Bob kills the dragon in a single hit, after having to revive Cloud twice. They got back in the Truck*)
Bob: Beats me why they sent someone like you with someone like me... it's not like i NEED you to be here for any reason...
(*They arrive at Nibbleheim*)
Bob: So, Cloud, how's it feel to be back in your home town? I don't have a hometown
Non-Travelsick Soldier: So, who's your parents then?
Bob: My mother is Bendover
(*Cloud and the two soldiers laugh*)
Bob: What's so funny?
Cloud: Uh... do you get out much?
Bob: No... the Shine-Ra don't let me. Speaking of which, feel free to wander round, break into people's homes and riffle through their stuff. We only need one guard.
Non-Travelsick soldier: Oh great... me again huh?
Bob: Yes, now don't complain.
(*Cloud wanders round Nibbleheim, into Tifa's house*)
Tifa: Did you go into my house Cloud?
Cloud: (Options) Uh... maybe...\ no! (Chose 'Uh... maybe...') I hoped you might be in...
(*Cloud runs upstairs, and into Tifa's room*)
Tifa: Did you go into my room Cloud?
Cloud: (options) maybe... \no! (Chose maybe) I was hoping you'd be in bed...
(*Cloud waggles his eyebrows, before going further into Tifa's room. He looks through the draws, and finds an underwear draw*)
Tifa: CLOUD! Did you look through my... things?
Cloud: (Options) Yeah, i found some orthopedic underwear\ Yeah, i found something long, thin and rubber \ uh, no, of course not (Chose 'Yeah, i found some orthopedic underwear)
Tifa: CLOUD! That's hardly relevant! You pervert!
(*Tifa slaps Cloud, before he goes back to the story, and the Cloud there goes over to the piano*)
Tifa: Did you play on my piano?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, a little\ Yeah, and i ROCKED!!! \ Um, no... \ Uh... you KNOW you said you were wondering WHY you're piano didn't work...? (Chose 'Yeah, a little')
(*Cloud plays some piano music badly*)
Cloud: Maybe I'll have one more go...
Tifa: Did you have another go?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, a little\ Yeah, and i ROCKED!!! \ Um, no... \ Uh... you KNOW you said you were wondering WHY you're piano didn't work...? (Chose 'Yeah, and i ROCKED!!!')
(*Cloud starts playing a decent tune on the piano, before launching into the piano part from '1000 Miles' by Vannessa Carlton*)
Tifa: You call THAT rocking?
Cloud: Well, i was younger then! Gee Tifa, gimme some credit here...
(*The scene returns to the story, and Cloud runs out of Tifa's house, and into his own*)
Cloud: Yo! Mom! I'm Ba-ack!
Cloud's Mom: Cloud! My, haven't you grown! Are they feeding you well?
(*The scene now flickers to the next one*)
Cloud's Mom: Hey Cloud, you know you should get up off your lazy *** one day and get yourself a girlfriend!
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: I'm not accusing you of anything, but, well... they say that those boys in SAILOR... swing the other way, and no son of mine is going to be that way inclined!
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Now, don't worry Cloud, I just arranged for someone to come round later to meet you. Now, be nice, but I'm paying her by the hour.
Cloud: Mom!
Cloud's Mom: Well, it's either that, or you get yourself a girlfriend... I'll bet all the girls in the city just can't keep their hands off you.
Cloud: Not really...
Cloud's Mom: Say, what you need is an older girlfriend to look after you.
Cloud: ...
Cloud's Mom: Say, isn't Tifa older than you... hint hint?
Cloud: Mom! She's my childhood friend! Besides, you'd never GUESS what i found in her underwear draw!
Cloud's Mom: Uh... her... underwear draw?
Cloud: Uh-oh... busted...
(*The scene flickers again, and again, and again*)
Tifa: Cloud!?! You told your MOM about what you found in my underwear draws?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Tifa punches him*)
Tifa: Wow... i feel... SO much better now... why don't you try Aeris?
Aeris: Maybe later.
(*The scene goes back to the story, and Cloud, after a nights sleep, goes to the place next to the mansion, where a photographer is waiting*)
Cloud: Tifa? You're our guide?
Tifa: Yeah, got a problem with that? Anyway, i need the money to buy a new piano, since someone broke in and ruined it...
(*Cloud coughs, and avoids eye contact*)
Photographer: Please Mr. Bob, sir! Can i take a photo? Please?
Bob: ...
Cloud: Ah, it'll be fun!
Tifa: If I'm in it, then i think it's a good idea!
Bob: ...
Photographer: Please? I'll give each of you a copy!
Bob: Very well, if you insist...
Photographer: Great! Watch the Zemzellet!
(*Photographer pulls out a squeaky rubber Zemzellet, and takes a picture*)
Photographer: There... perfect... should take 1 hour to process...
Bob: Well, we're off to the Baka Reactor... back later.
(*Bob and Cloud set off, killing anything in their path with ease, until they get to the bridge*)

[keated]

(*Bob and Cloud set off, killing anything in their path with ease, until they get to the bridge*)
Non-travelsick Soldier: Hey, i know! So that we cause less stress to the bridge, we could all run across at once!
Bob: Sounds like a plan!
(*They run across in a group*)
Cloud: Oh crap
(*The bridge splits, and they lose the non-travelsick soldier*)
Bob: I tell you... I'm NOT being callous or evil! I just say let him rot in whatever Hell he's fallen into, 'cos we've got bigger fish to fry!
Cloud: Whatever, let's just GO, okay? Let's stay as a group, so we don't end up getting lost, huh?
Bob: sure.
(*They set off, through the caves, until they reach the Hysteria Fountain*)
Bob: Now, Cloud, do you know what THIS is?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: Ooh! Pritty!
Bob: It's a Hysteria Fountain. Do you remember how Hysteria is formed, Cloud?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Bob sighs at the lack of education in youngsters today*)
Bob: Condensed Baka becomes Hysteria!
Cloud: Oh, right, sounds logical i suppose...
Bob: Let's carry on!
(*Cloud carries on past, and eventually, after a few more pointlessly easy battles, even easier than normal, he comes to the Baka Reactor*)
Tifa: Ooh! Lemme in!
Travelsick Guard: Sorry, no unauthorised personel
(*Cloud and Bob enter, and go on to the furthest room, labelled 'Monster Ranch: enter at own risk'*)
Cloud: Uh, Bob, anything seem wrong to you?
Bob: Look inside... they're making Monsters!
Cloud: that'd explain my hairdo! Oh, look, someone put a sign up at the top... is that an order?
Bob: 'Bendover'... no... it's my mother... my mother... so... I... was I born like this?
Cloud: Have you been on the Baka again? Look, those monsters look NOTHING like you!
Bob: I... I think i'll go for a little research excursrion... to the library... in the Shine-Ra Mansion...
(*Bob reads all of the research notes in the Shine-Ra Mansion's Basement, and Cloud goes down, not wondering in the LEAST about how they got back with the bridge out...*)
Bob: Ooh! It's all your fault! I should rule the world... me and Mom, together... ha ha ha!
Cloud: Uh...
(*Bob flies past, and Cloud runs up to Nibbleheim, which Bob is pouring petrol on and whistling*)
Bob: Hey! You're early! Gimme a minute, huh?
(*Cloud goes downstairs, before coming back up, to see Nibbleheim on fire*)
Cloud: NO!!!
Zingy: Hey! You're still sane, right?
Cloud: as much as ever!
Zingy: Well, gimme a hand then!
(*Zingy and Cloud pull people out of the burning buildings, but they're all dead*)
Zingy: That was pointless! I think Bob went off back to the Baka Reactor... hey... where're YOU off to?
Cloud: Uh... OH! You mean the Baka Reactor ISN'T that way?
Zingy: No... that leads out AWAY from Mount Nibble
Cloud: Well... I'll just turn around then... heh heh heh...?
(*Cloud runs to the Baka Reactor, in time to see Bob kill Tifa's father, and Tifa go after him. Cloud runs after Tifa, into the Monster Ranch, in time to see Bob slice her. Cloud catches her*)
Cloud: Wow... i get a good feel while she's still just about conscious! Now i can die happy!
Tifa: You *&$%*£%! You're NOT allowed to die! Now kick Bob's *** for me, huh?
Cloud: Oh, okay then...
(*Cloud carries Tifa out of the way, before going into the Bendover room with Bob*)
Bob: Mommy! It's your big Bobby-wobby! Please, come on so we can spend quality time, and maybe take over the world a little
Cloud: Uh... Bob?
Bob: Ha ha ha! It's one of the little people! With spikey hair!
Cloud: Come on Bob! Why did you do it?
Bob: Well... it seemed like a good idea at the time...
Cloud: Ugh... DIE!
(*Cloud runs at Bob, sword raised*)
Basset: And then...?
Cloud: That's it... i dont remember the rest
Basset: WHAT? Damn, that was a good story! Too bad we don't have a campfire and marshmallows!
Redex: That's what I said... nevermind... there's the Cosmic 'Candle' scene later
Cloud: I don't know what happened... i mean, i was frankly crap then, so i couldn't have killed him.
Tifa: Bob IS dead! It was in all the papers! Well, all the Tabloids at least...
Cloud: Consider the source... Shine-Ra OWNS the papers!
Basset: Oh well... let's carry on... someone said they saw a guy in a cool black cape heading East... oh, and have a 72-10.
Cloud: Seventy two-ten?
Basset: Yeah, it's a nokia. A mobile phone?
Cloud: Where did you get that from?
Basset: I kind of borrowed 10 or so from the Shine-Ra building while we were waiting for you...
Cloud: Oh, okay then. Well, cya in Junior!
Basset: Yeah, cya then.
(*Cloud Departs Panik and heads for the Chocobo Ranch, before entering*)
Tifa: Look! Chocos!
Aeris: Ooh! Cute!
Cloud: Hiya Mr. Chocobo
Chocobo: Mornin'
Cloud: Uh...
Chocobo: Wanna see our dance?
Cloud: Uh... yeah, i guess
Chocobo: Ready?
(*There is a chorus of 'Wark's, and the chocobos start Riverdancing, thowing the "Choco-mog" Hysteria to Cloud, in achnowledgement of a good audience*)
Cloud: Uh
Chocobo: Wark?
Cloud: Did that just happen? CAN you talk?
Chocobo: No. Damn, I mean Wark.
Cloud: Oh... okay then. I'm not suspicious in the least.
(*Cloud goes into the Ranch House, to talk to Chocobo Bill*)
Bill: Ey up! You never asked about anything, but i saw this guy wearing a cool cloak, and he walked across the Marsh... hope he's okay, and didn't get attacked by the Blingar Pompom. You need a chocobo to get across safely you know. Hint hint.
Cloud: Uh, okay...
Bill: go into the big warehouse to find out more!
(*Cloud leaves the house, and enters the warehouse/barn*)
Cloud: I need a chocobo
Billy: Tough... we're fresh out.
Cloud: But i just saw a load outside!
Billy: Look again
(*Cloud looks again, and the chocobos have gone*)
Billy: You need a chocobo lure to get a chocobo of your own.
Cloud: Oh... okay then
Billy: That'll be 5000 Gil please
Cloud: Ha! Sparechange! After all that leveling up, I'm SO rich!
Billy: Whatever... anyway... here ya go!
(*Cloud goes out and, after being nearly pecked to death by the indestructible chocobos, manages to catch one, before running across the swamp, and into a scene at the end*)
Tifa: Oh my... someone killed that big snake!
Cloud: Wait a second... how can that be THE Blingar Pompom? WE saw one, and it was chasing us all the way here!
Aeris: Don't think about it too hard. Afterall, why should it make sense?
Cloud: Anyway, only Bob could have done this!
Tifa: Or a big, mecha-style robotty thing
Cloud: Yes, or a big mecha-style robotty thing
Aeris: Or a superhero
Cloud: Yes, or a superhero
Tifa: But not spiderman
Cloud: No, but not spiderman
Aeris: Well, not that MANY superheroes really...
Cloud: No, not that many superheroes really
Tifa: Could have been a load of Shine-Ra troops
Aeris: The kind we kill so easily?
Tifa: The very same
Cloud: Yes, it could have been a load of Shine-Ra troops
Aeris: And Cloud's not listening
Cloud: No, and Cloud's not list- hey! I am so!
(*They leave, and enter the Mythril Mine, before going to grab the "Tee Hee, I Can Hide" Hysteria, and then going to leave*)

[Wind]

no-one is reading this

[keated]

maybe not anymore, but hey, you're the only person to say they aren't so :P

bsides, i will continue to believe that people may be, until the only 2 ppl 2 get in contact with me about it say that they aren't reading it...

incidently, speaking of not reading it, don't suppose you noticed the first post, did you? About posting in the OTHER thread... -o-; honestly, why do i bother ;) :P

anyway, while there's the chance that one person is reading this, and finding it amusing, i shall contine to post: It is all worth it for but one person

[incidently, did YOU read it, and if so, what'd you think? Gonna gimme my first bad review? ;) lol]

[keated]

(*They leave, and enter the Mythril Mine, before going to grab the "Tee Hee, I Can Hide" Hysteria, and then going to leave*)
Ford: So, Ferrari, how're you finding working as a Greek?
Ferrari: Great... wow, if I'd known it was this good, I would have kicked Renault's *** myself!
Ford: Let's not get carried away... hey! It's them!
Ferrari: Oh... right... I thought something about 50 Dark Dragons was mentioned?
Ford: Well, Renault says they were in charge of them.
Ferrari: Oh... well, why didn't they fly over the mountains to Junior harbour, where Bob is headed? Oh BUGGER!
Tsing: Ferrari, you talk too much... SHUDDUP!
Ferrari: Sorry Tsing, sweetie...
Tsing: Uh...
Ferrari: Well, it's our job to get in their way as much as possible... wait, don't they get in our way? Perhaps it's a two way thing?
Tsing: Ferrari... just leave it, okay?
Cloud: Outta our way!
Tsing: Well fine... oh, nice to see you again Aeris... come on Greeks, let's move out...
(*The Greeks move out*)
Cloud: Aeris, you know him?
Aeris: Kind of... we were in that helicopter a long time...
(*Cloud runs out from the Mythril Mines, and back onto the world map*)
Cloud: Lookout world: Cloud the giant is back!
(*Cloud runs up to Fort Big Bird, a mountain with a big, yellow bird squatting on top*)
Guy Outside: Hey, wanna help save the Big Bird?
Cloud: No, I'll pass
Guy Outside: But he only lays eggs once every 200 years!
Cloud: No I'll pa- uh... HE?
Guy Outside: Well, that's WHY he only lays them ever 200 years... I mean, it's GOTTA be painful
Cloud: Uh... I'll still pass
Guy Outside: But we're standing against the Shine-Ra!
Cloud: Oh COOL! Let's help!
(*They go inside, and up the rope*)
Drunk Guy at Table: Heh? Whassafootlit?
Cloud: Uh... we want to help?
Drunk Guy: I ain't your mama... (*snore*)
Voice From Above: If you want to help, come up here!
(*Cloud goes up*)
Guy In Charge: Okay, you can either help us fight, give us money, or both.
Cloud: MY money? Ha! No way... I'll take over this battle...
(*Cloud takes over, and places no units, allowing the Shine-Ra to get right up to the top, so he gets to fight, kicking the *** of the monster*)
Cloud: Problem solved
(*Cloud goes downstairs, and makes his way to Junior, through the forests, and a battle with an unknown assailant begins. Cloud uses Meatballs-Rain, and the battle is finished*)
Yuffie: You &*%&$%£! Come on! I'll take you all on again!
Cloud: (options) Hell yeah! Kick your *** all over again!\ Nah, there's only so much defeat you can deal out in a day (Chose 'Nah, there's only...')
Yuffie: Ha! Scared that this time I'll kick your ***, huh?
Cloud: (options) Oh yeah, it's sore in anticipation\ right here! (*Slaps ****) (Chose 'Oh yeah, it's sore...')
Yuffie: Well, I'm off... cya!
Cloud: (options) Buh-bye\ (*Attack from behind*)\ Oh, don't be like that (Chose 'Oh, don't be like that)
Yuffie: You want my brilliant skills, huh?
Cloud: (options) Yeah, which is why we beat the living CRAP outta you\ Where were YOU when i needed you, in Corny's place?\ Sure, why not (Chose 'Sure, why not')
Yuffie: All right, you've convinced me!
Cloud: (options) Wow, wasn't THAT hard\ DAMN!\ What's you're name?\ Let's just leave, okay? (Chose 'let's just leave, okay?')
Yuffie: You don't even know my name!
(*Cloud, Tifa and Aeris walk off*)
Yuffie: It's YUFFIE! YUUUUUUUFFFFFFIIIIIIEEEEEEE! (Oh well... now i get to steal me some Hysteria... nyuk nyuk nyuk... damn, hope they didn't hear that!)
(*Cloud arrives in Junior*)
Aeris: Ooh look! The beach! Let's go for a paddle!
(*They go down to the beach*)
Tifa: Hey, look, a little girl!
Little Girl: *%&$ off, nasty Shine-Ra people!
Cloud: Oh, we're so blatently NOT
(*Cloud pouts*)
Little Girl: Get out of here, or Mr. Dolphin'll get you!
Cloud: Yeah, like I'm scared of a dolphin!
Little Girl: MR. DOLPHIN!
(*Tentacles of a giant squid rise out of the water*)
Little Girl: Who ever said he was a dolphin?
Cloud: Uh... don't you think that'll give it a complex? Oh no! Look behind you!
Little Girl: Yeah, like i'll be fooled by THAT!
(*A bigger monster appears behind, and attacks Cloud and the Little Girl, which Cloud kills easily, having got his limit break ready outside Junior*)
Old Geezer: Priscilla! You *&%*$%* hurt her!
Cloud: Did not!
Old Geezer: You know CPR?
Cloud: Huh?
Old Geezer: Just purse your lips and blow, okay?
Cloud: Woah! Steady on mate!
Old Geezer: INTO HER LIPS! To get some air in her lungs!
Cloud: Oh... right...
(*Cloud fills his lungs totally, to near bursting point, and deposits it into Priscilla, meaning her SMALLER lungs should have burst. When she's breathing, the Old Geezer runs off with her*)
Cloud: Call THAT gratitude?
(*Cloud follows*)
Old Geezer: She needs to rest
Old Woman: Come into my house and rest up.
Cloud: Okay... wahey! Free room and board!
(*Cloud gets some sleep, and wakes up to the sound of a parade from above*)
Cloud: What's going on... and how about some coffee here?
(*Cloud gets up, and visits Priscilla*)
Priscilla: HEY Cloud... wow... thanks for rescusing me...
Cloud: Uh... that's okay
Priscilla: Well, here, have this piece of Hysteria...
(*'Recieved "Icy Babe" Hysteria'*)
Priscilla: I hope you think about me whenever you use it
Cloud: Uh... are you... wearing makeup... and high heels?
Priscilla: Yes
Cloud: Uh...
Priscilla: You don't like it?
Basset (*Outside*): What IS it with Cloud? I mean, why is he so attractive, when i can't even get a date?
Redex (*Outside*): Don't know...
Basset: Although, i guess he IS kinda hot...
Redex: Uh... could you just take a few steps away from me? Please? Come any closer and i bite you! I mean it!
Yuffie: Yeah... mhm... your fur is SO soft...
(*Cloud comes out... of the house.*)
Cloud: How do we get up there?
Priscilla: Use Mr. Dolphin.
(*Cloud goes to the water*)
Basset: Gimme the 72 10! We don't want it getting damaged, huh?
Cloud: Okay... don't sell it!
Basset: Okay!
Cloud: And DON'T read my messages? Okay? Or contacts... in fact, keep it switched off!
Basset: What's wrong with your messages?
Cloud: Just don't ask, okay? Anyway, there's a PIN on it, so there!
(*Cloud pokes out his tongue, before handing over the 72 10, and then climbing Mr. Dolphin's tentacles, up into the structure of Junior Harbour. Cloud ends up on the runway, and makes his way in*)

[keated]

(*Cloud pokes out his tongue, before handing over the 72 10, and then climbing Mr. Dolphin's tentacles, up into the structure of Junior Harbour. Cloud ends up on the runway, and makes his way in*)
Commander: Hey! Whaddya ya think you're doin?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Cloud shrugs*)
Commander: Well, just get in here in uniform, okay?
Cloud: Uniforms? Oh, okay... I'll just go with the flow this time...
(*Cloud goes in, and gets changed in front of the 2 Shine-Ra soldiers and the commander already in there*)
Cloud: Uh... Shine-Ra troops are unisex, right?
Commander: That's right...
Cloud: I was WONDERING why this uniform had a built in D-cup...
Commander: why don't you change uniform? I'm sure there's a male one...
Cloud: Are you kidding? I think I'll hang onto this!
Commander: Uh...
Soldier 1: Hey, aren't we going to go through the moves?
Commander: Oh... phew... that's right... okay, just do what they do...
(*The 2 soldiers go through a series of moves. Cloud copies*)
Solider 2: Now all we need is a finishing move!
Commander: We'll let the weird newbie choose!
(*Cloud does his victory sword-swing*)
Both Soldiers: Woah!
Commander: Right! That one it is!
Soldier 1: Uh... wasn't it painful?
Cloud: Huh?
Soldier 1: Well... obviously you had to practice... i mean, did you use a wooden sword?
Soldier 2: That'd still hurt!
Soldier 1: Yeah, but you'd have a head left to know it did...
Soldier 2: Isn't that a bad thing?
Solider 1: Well, i think I'D rather live!
Commander: Oh, stop arseing about! We're late for the parade! Oh crap!
(*They all run after the parade, before taking a shortcut, and catching up from an alleyway*)
Commander: Okay, now don't make me look bad! Use back entry, and try not to be noticed!
Solider 1: Uh... this is a port... with sailors... uh... i don't think that's a great way to phrase it...
Commander: Oh, just GO!
(*The commander shoves the first soldier, who pegs it into a rank at the back, before the second, more voluntarily, follows*)
Commander: Your turn!
(*Cloud runs out into the parade, unnoticed, and manages to sneak his way to the end of the parade.*)
Commander: You need more practice for the final bit!
Cloud: No i don't!
Commander: Oh... okay then.
(*Cloud goes along to the end, and along to the ship*)
Commander: Oh boy... Lowdigger is in a SERIOUSLY bad mood... oh man, my *** is SO on the line here... right... just do what i tell you lot, okay?
(*Commander starts giving orders, which Cloud follows*)
Lowdigger: Hmm... not bad... hey, for no reason other than favouritism, give that soldier, who seems to be a D-cup, and slightly spikey hair sticking up out from her helmet... woah, she looks so fit!
Cloud: Uh... what?
Lowdigger: Sorry... here, as i was saying, have a sword you probably can't use!
Cloud: Uh... thanks...
(*Lowdigger gets on the ship, and Cloud follows, into the hold*)
Cloud: Oh no! I'm on my own... I'm SO worried...
Yuffie: Urk...
Cloud: Huh?
Yuffie: Sorry... I'm feeling travelsick... Urk...
Cloud: Hmm... i guess i could guess how that feels...
Aeris: Hey Cloud!
Cloud: Hi Aeris... wasn't expecting to see you all here... did you all have to use Mr. Dolphin?
Aeris: Hell no! We took the easy way up, stupid!
Cloud: Typical... oh well...
Aeris: Why don't you see how everyone else is, up top.
Cloud: Good idea.
(*Cloud goes up top, where not very much is happening*)
Tifa: Whattya think Cloud?
Cloud: Woah... you look REALLY good in a sailor's uniform!
Tifa: Cloud! Not here!
Redex: I look good as a human, huh? No one's managed to tell yet!
(*Redex's tail swings out the back*)
Cloud: Uh... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Basset: Yo Cloud!
Cloud: Uh... Basset...
Basset: Yeah?
Cloud: Uh...
Basset: They ran out of uniforms in the fancy dress shop...
Cloud: That still doesn't explain why-
Basset: This was all they had in my size!
Cloud: Uh... you... kept the fairy wings, the tiara, and magic wand?
Basset: If i don't return it all in one piece, i have to pay for the repairs! And besides, without them, i just look like a ballet dancer, in a pinky coloured spandex!
Cloud: Okay... you wanted to talk to me about something?
Basset: Let's go!
Cloud: Uh...
Basset: I saw where Lowdigger went!
Cloud: Oh, okay yhen... let's go!
(*Basset and Cloud creep up to the window*)
Lowdigger: God, it was SO funny when that piece of pizza fell!
Basset: They're talking about Blingar?
Rufus: Ha, i only saw it on action replay
Basset: Grr... he came onto the scene, just when i thought we'd done it...
Lowdigger: Your old man knew how to get ridda rubbish, i'll say that!
Basset: RUBBISH? GRR! I'm REALLY getting &*%&$* off about this!
Rufus: Seems like there was lots of it
Basset: GRR! I'm gonna bust in there and bust me some ***!
(*Basset stands up, about to start shouting*)
Lowdigger: Well, yeah, I mean, he was always eating... lots of wrappings.
Rufus: He installed a pretty big bin... with one of those cool shreddy things at the bottom...
(*Basset quickly crouches down embarrased, before an alarm goes off*)
Rufus: Oh... looks like Bob's on board... Go and handle it, eh Lowdigger?
Lowdigger: Uh... sure thing, boss...
(*Cloud and Basset return to the others*)
Cloud: Bob's on board!
Basset: Yay! Now i get to remove this excess aggression!
Redex: Ditto! Plus build on my limit...
Basset: Ooh! I forgot about that!
Cloud: Look, just stop it, okay?
Yuffie: Urk?
Cloud: Okay... now, I'm going to choose you for your abilities, and not just 'cos I've got it saved here, and want to know what each one of you does in Costa Del Much...
(*Cloud and his team go down to the lower deck*)
Aeris: Ooh! Look! Another sparkly "Much" Hysteria!
(*Cloud enters the door at the end, and after nabbing the weapon on the platform above, goes to the guard standing in the middle of the floor*)
Tifa: He's the only one left alive? Well... apart from the ones we've just been fighting, i mean...
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*The guard turns around and drops to his knees, before Bob appears*)
Bob: ha ha ha! Now mommy, we're gonna go to the promised Lard... and then pig out... and then... well, then we'll see about perhaps a little light world domination...
Cloud: Bob? Do you remember me? (Wait a second... if he DOES, then it's the same Bob that burnt Nibbleheim, so do i really WANT him to remember?)
Bob: No Cloud, i don't
Cloud: Then how did you know my name? Huh?
Bob: It's on the top of that little blue box... anyway, I'm off... see ya!
(*Bob flies away, leaving a twitching tentacle behind, which turns into Bendover Birth*)
Bendover Birth: Waah!
Tifa: We can't fight a babie, can we?
(*Bendover Birth leaps at her, jumping onto her face*)
Cloud: Ah, whatever... I've got Meatballs-Rain... let's kick it's ***!
(*Cloud uses his limit break, killing Bendover Birth*)
Aeris: Ooh! A sparkly red thing!
(*'Recieved "Hot 'N' Horny Dude" Hysteria*)
(*They leave*)

[gigo]

:lol:...maybe I'm the only one, but I think this stuff is hilarious!

[keated]

ha HA! I now have a following of 4! lol... :D

well, if there's 4 ppl reading i dont have any CHOICE but to carry on posting them... lol... ;)

thanks for all your supposrt everyone, by the way :D

[keated]

(*They leave, and Lowdigger and Rufus disembark from the boat, into Costa Del Much*)
Rufus: I hear Cloud AND Bob were on the ship
Lowdigger: Uh...
Rufus: So, in all probability, you've probably captured ONE...
Lowdigger: Uh...
Rufus: I mean, it's not like it's your job really, but... oh WAIT... it IS your job... get up off your FAT *** and catch at LEAST one of them!
Lowdigger: Uh... right... sure thing, sir...
(*Rufus goes over to his non-ergonomically correct helicopter, and gets in, after which Lowdigger goes looking for someone to bully. Once he's gone, Cloud gets off from the ship*)
Yuffie: Solid ground!
Basset: I'll be glad to get out of this costume!
Tifa: Oh, but you look like one of those liquorice allsorts... you know... the ones surrounded by colourful coconut? One of the pink ones!
Basset: ...
Cloud: A Basset Liquorice Allsort?
Basset: Let's just go... we aint come here to insult me!
Tifa: No, we're here to insult Bob, and the Shine-Ra!
Cloud: Right... well... more than insult really... anyway, just hang around here for a while, while i decide what to do next.
Everyone else: okay
(*Everyone else runs off, while Cloud follows more slowly. He crosses the bridge, and enters the beachhose on the other side*)
Salesman: Hi! Wanna buy a beach house? What about some monument? Or one of these watches, that fell off the back of a lorry?
(*He opens his trenchcoat, revealing pockets full of watches*)
Cloud: Uh...
Salesman: C'mon... the beach house is only 300,000 Gil!
Cloud: Uh... I'll pass... thanks...
(*Cloud pilfers everything from the basement, before he leaves, and sees Redex sitting, playing golf absentmindedly with his tail*)
Redex: Don't know why it's doing that... although i just got a hole in one!
(*Cloud carries on, past the shop*)
Yuffie: Hi Cloud!
Cloud: What're you doing?
Yuffie: Year 11 Work experiance. I decided to work at a materia shop...
Cloud: Any chance of a discount?
Owner: Ha! She's been raising the prices, and pocketing the extra.
Yuffie: Good business sense!
(*Cloud carries on past, to the hotel*)
Basset (in the bathroom):
'Who's the black private ****
that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
(Shaft!)
You're damn right
Who is the man
that would risk his neck for his brother man?
(Shaft!)
Can ya dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
when there's danger all about
(Shaft!)
Right on
You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother--
(Shut your mouth)
But I'm talkin' about Shaft
(Then we can dig it)
He's a complicated man
but no one understands him but his woman
(John Shaft)'
Cloud: Uh... I'll just pretend I never heard that... How did he make his voice THAT high for the bits in brackets? Actually, I don't even WANNA know...
(*Cloud goes out, and hits the beach*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud!
Aeris: Hiya Cloud!
Tifa: Hey, who's that over there?
Cloud: (Options): The hot babe?\ Proffessor Mojo!?!?\ Can't see anything past silicone valley... (Chose 'Can't see anything past...')
Tifa: They're REAL!
Cloud and Aeris: SURE they are...
Tifa: Anyway, who i was referring to was Proffessor Mojo!
Cloud: Oh... right... uh... what're we waiting for? An invitation?
(*Cloud goes over to Mojo, who is wearing a pair of psychodellic shorts*)
Mojo: Twins? Yeah, baby... YEAH!
(*Cloud coughs politely*)
Mojo: Oh... it's you again...
Cloud: What the &*%$ is going on?
Mojo: Follow Bob to find out, he's headed East... uh... -ish...
Cloud: Okay then!
Mojo: Now, girls... where were we?
(*Cloud walks away shuddering, and back up to the main town part, in time to see Tifa through the window talking with a guy. Cloud enters the house*)
Jonny: Oh, hi Cloud! Long time, no see, huh?
Cloud: Who the hell are you?
Jonny: I'm insulted now...
Tifa: There there Jonny... Cloud's just doing his usual 'I'm too important to have to remember anything' thing... you get used to it... Cloud, remember Jonny? From Nibbleheim?
Cloud: No.
Tifa: Oh well... we're gonna catch up, so don't wait up!
Cloud: Uh... okay then...
(*Cloud goes and rests at the Inn, before getting up the next day, and leaving eastwards, appearing on the world map, before running to the little mountain pass*)
Guy on path: Hey, i JUST told the dude in the black cape it's dangerous, but did HE listen? OHHH NO... HA! Well, see if i care... anyway, i sit here all day, telling people NOT to go up there, and, incidently... alms for the poor?
Cloud: Dangerous eh? Black caped man you say? Woo hoo!
(*Cloud runs up the path, and out of sight*)
Guy on path: Tight &*$%*&$!!!
(*Cloud runs up the hill, and past the Baka reactor*)
Tifa: Hey, Cloud, why don't we raid that Baka reactor while we're here?
Aeris: Anyone notice that there's no guards around here?
Cloud: Nah... let's get Bob first, then worry about the planet!
(*They carry on, onto the rail tracks*)
Aeris: What kind of railroad IS this? I mean, is it meant to be a roller coaster or something?
Cloud: Hey, how should i know? Oh... we're falling
Tifa: Quick, flap your arms and perhaps we'll fly!
(*Cloud plummets, and whilst flapping his arms like a maniac, falls onto the metal frame, which, although it stopped him falling, did, however, hit him between the legs. With some force. Cloud bites his lip*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud... what's wrong?
(*Cloud makes a high pitched whimpering sound*)
Tifa: Oh... you want me to rub it better?
(*Cloud gets up, and, limping a little, climbs back up the metal structure, and walks along a little*)
Cloud: Okay... i never want to have to go through that again!
Aeris: Oh... we're falling again...
(*After a few sounds of pain, Cloud climbs back up*)
Cloud: Okay... let's just go... and don't you DARE mention this to anyone... got it?
(*Cloud proceeds, testing the track beneath his feet as he goes, until he comes to a bridge stood up*)
Basset: Thank goodness you're here! Now we don't have to be bothered enough to put the bridge down!
Cloud: Oh... thanks for waiting!
Yuffie: Pfft! Only 'cos we can't get through!
Redex: Yeah Cloud, move your spikey-haired *** and get that bridge down!
Cloud: How did you-
Tifa: Oh, honestly... let's just try the High Road...
Redex: You take the high road, and i'll take the low road, and I'll be in Barrier Reef bee-fooorreee ye...
(*Cloud goes out, and up onto the higher track*)
Tifa: Anyone else notice that creaking sound?
Aeris: Anyone else notice that air rushing up?
(*There is a sound of something soft hitting something metallic*)
Cloud(*Quiet, but high-pitched*): Anyone else notice that metal pole?
(*Cloud climbs back out at the top, and along to the shed, before opperating the lever*)
Basset: Yo, thanks Cloud! You wanna borrow my disguise from the ship?
Cloud: What for?
Redex: The dance of the sugarplumb fairy?
Cloud: Huh?
Basset: The (wait for it...) Nutcracker suite...
(*Basset, Yuffie and Redex run on by*)
Tifa: What's that chirping?
(*Cloud climbs up the side*)
Aeris: Oh, CUTE!
Cloud: Hey, they're on something... oh WOW! These birds are REALLY rare... do you know how much they pay for them in the Blingar resteraunts?
Tifa and Aeris: CLOUD!!!
Cloud: I'm joking! All i want are the eggs... JOKE!
(*Cloud climbs down and, deciding that he can't be bothered to go the long way round, jumps down to the lower path, slips and looses his footing, and rolls down the side, into the Miner's house/cave*)

[Sixteen]

This is pretty good. Granted that I am not much into Parodies of FF7.

[keated]

thanks! :D

wow... (*touches wood*) still no bad reviews! lol... just sum1 saying it aint being red... lol... but no review even from said person... :D

thanks for your support everyone!

[keated]

(*Cloud climbs down and, deciding that he can't be bothered to go the long way round, jumps down to the lower path, slips and looses his footing, and rolls down the side, into the Miner's house/cave*)
Miner: Hi! Yake all the stuff you want, I can't be arsed to stop you...
Cloud: Wow! Thanks!
(*Cloud nabs everything not nailed down, and then runs out, and back up to the low road, before going on, over a big bridge. Once he reaches the end, he is now in Barrier Reef, where Basset is being pushed around by the locals*)
Basset: Sorry...
Local Yokel: Guhyuk! Yoo ain't a-welcome here no more, city-boy!
Basset: Who the hell are you?
Local: When you went, we needed someone ELSE to dislike and generally look down on... i hear your new home got destroyed... two outta two, huh? Some record!
Basset: ...
Another Local: Look Basset, just &*%$ off back under whatever rock you crawled out from!
Basset: ...
(*Basset get's hit by someone under half his size, and reels back from it theatrically, Cloud runs up*)
Cloud: Basset, are you okay?
Basset: ... they're right... it's my fault...
(*Basset runs off, to the Big-Stationy-Thing*)
Cloud: What did Basset do?
Local: That arse-hole Basset destroyed our home's what!
Cloud: Oh... right... well, you all seem to be doing fine...
Local: Well, yeah, it's just a stroke of luck that we moved here, and got the rites to extract the oil...
Cloud: Oh well...
Local Yokel: I dun seed him with my own eyes! A guy in a cool black cape! He's a-headin for the Gold-Teaset, i reckons (*Spittoon sound*)
Cloud: Uh... thanks...
(*Cloud goes towards the Big-Stationy-Thing, and everyone is waiting for him*)
Cloud: Hey Basset! Wanna share?
Basset: ... no...
Cloud: C'mon... PLEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE...
Tifa: Pritty please?
Aeris: With a cherry on top...
Redex: (Actually, I've often wondered whether that's some kind of innuendo...)
Basset: No!
Cloud: Well fine... anyone up for going to the Gold-Teaset?
Aeris: Ooh! Ooh! Me! me!
Yuffie: If you're paying...
(*Cloud and everyone gets on the Train-Thingy, which departs, with a cool cutscene*)
Cloud: YEAH! Let's go have fun!
Ticket Person: Sorry, you're name's not down, you're not coming in!
Cloud: Huh?
Ticket Person: Joke... that's 3000 Gil for a single pass, which, for some werid reason, includes as many people as you want, or 30,000 for a lifetime, or 'Gold' ticket, alsos weirdly for as many people as you want!
Cloud: Hmm... considering I have enough to go back to Costa Del Much, and buy that beach house for sale, i'll go for a Gold one please!
Ticket Person: Here you go... it's lifetime, unless you lose it, have fun!
(*Cloud enters and everyone's milling around*)
Aeris: Let's go have fun!
Basset: Ah, &*%$ that! I'm off to mope!
(*Basset jumps down one of the tubes*)
Cloud: For no obvious reason, I'm only going to take one person with me!
Tifa and Aeris: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick ME!
Cloud: Uh... lemme see... I'm gonna pick... Ti- uh,... no, Ae-... no... uh... um...
Tifa and Aeris: OOH! PLEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE!
(*Redex turns around and accidently knocks over Yuffie*)
Cloud: Redex!
Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie: Redex?
Redex: Me?
Cloud: Huh, oh, no, i was telling you off for knocking Yuffie over, but, hey: why not?
(*Cloud and Redex jump down the nearest tube, to the Round Bar*)
Cloud: Hey, Redex, fancy a ride on the Gondo-
Redex: Don't even finish that question!
Cloud: Okay, okay! No need to bite my head off!
Redex: Look, there's obviously a reason we're here, so let's just go and find it so we can get out of here?
Cloud: Okay, fine...
(*Redex and Cloud go to Wonder Bar*)
Cait Sith: Ey up! Wanna fortune?
Cloud: Sure, go for it...
(*Cait Sith does a little dance*)
Cait Sith: 'You will find happiness with a new love'...?
Cloud: Uh...
Cait Sith: I'll try again...
(*Cait Sith does the dance a little faster*)
Cait Sith: 'Stick with your wife!'...? Uh?
(*Cait Sith does the dance a little faster*)
Cait Sith: 'Elvis IS alive'? Huh?
Cloud: Look, we're kinda in a hurry...
Cait Sith: One more try!
(*Cait Sith does a frantic dance*)
Cait Sith: Uh... that's weird...
Cloud: What is?
Cait Sith: 'He's behind you, you stupid idiot! And tonight's lottery numbers are 03, 47, 36, 22, 18, 24 and 15: Hey, it could happen!'
Cloud: ...?
Cait Sith: Okay... really the last time I'll try...
(*Cait Sith does a turbo-charged dance*)
Cait Sith: 'You're gonna find him, but watch your back!' Hmm... what's THAT about... I'm coming along to find out!
Cloud: Now wait just a MINUTE!
Cait Sith: Too late!
(*Cait Sith jumps into Cloud*)
Cloud: I hate it when people do that! What's your name anyway?
Cait Sith: Re- uh... Cait Sith!
Cloud: Oh... sorry... Really obvious i guess, cos it's on the blue squares! And I'm not suspicious in the least.
Redex: Oh, haven't we noticed...
Cait Sith: From the sound of it, he hasn't...
Cloud: Hey, I know... just for kicks, lets go to the Battle arena!
Cait Sith: You haven't got any GP...
Cloud: Ah, minor detail... let's go!
(*Cloud goes through to the Battle arena*)
Cloud: Hey! No fair! Someone started without us!
Redex: Uh... i think the battles are meant to be INSIDE the arena
Cait Sith: Well, the que sometimes gets a bit pushy... but the rule is you don't get any BP outside the arena...
Cloud: Let's go up there so we can get the blame for this!
Cait Sith: Yeah! Great plan!
(*Cloud climbs the seemingly endless stairs*)
Redex: Did Bob do this?
Cloud: No, they've been shot... Bob always uses a sword...
Dio: Look, those people are alive at the scene of the crime, and therefore are the perpitrators, eventhough none of them have a gun!
Cloud: Let's leggit!
(*Cloud runs into the arena, and robots cut off his retreat*)
Cait Sith: What're we waiting for? Get them!
Cloud: Nah... although we could kill them easily, let's just see where this is going...
(*Cloud is dragged into a room with a big pit, and is shoved down.*)

[keated]

(*Cloud is dragged into a room with a big pit, and is shoved down. Miraculously, he survives without a scratch*)
Cloud: Maybe I'm like that guy out of unbreakable?
Redex: Nah, I've seen you get your *** kicked enough times to know you're not.
Cait Sith: Mhmumn ummf!
Cloud: Huh?
Redex: Oh, plus you landed on him.
Cloud: Sorry.
Cait Sith: No problem... let's just find a way out, huh?
Cloud: Look at the shifting desert sands... we'll never find a way out that way...
Redex: What do you suggest? Just rotting here?
Cloud: Nah... let's go to that trailer over there!
(*They go over, before Basset walks in*)
Basset: Damn, thought I'd got ridda you... well... this time i will!
(*Basset raises his gun*)
Cloud: Basset! No!
Redex: He won't do it, you know he won't
Cait Sith: Uh... uh... you must be Basset? Nice to meet you! Pleasedon'tkillme!
(*Basset fires*)
Basset: Grr... damned mouse... he won't even eat the bloody cheese!
Cloud: Don't you think you've overreacting?
(*Everyone else walks in*)
Tifa: They kinda assumed we were with you...
Yuffie: Yeah, nice going Cloud!
Aeris: As we're here... why doesn't Basset tell us what the *&$% is going on?
Basset: No... don't wanna
Aeris and Tifa: Please? PLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEE?
Basset: Oh... all right then... gather round kids, and I'll tell you a story...
(*Scene shifts to room with a comfy looking couch, which looks suspiciously like the room they're in*)
Rouge: It's completely safe, and you'll all get cushy jobs... you know, like Homer Simpson's job? We've got plenty of that kind to go round...
Basset: Hot damn! Let's go for it!
Dyke: Wait a minute... I want to disagree just for the sake of arguing!
Rouge: It's okay Dyke... didn't you hear the Shine-Ra propagan- Sales pit- information?
Dyke: Oh, okay then... you've convinced me... but this way, i get to say 'I told you so' if it all *&$%s up!
Basset: Finally! We aggree, right? Great!
Basset (*Voiceover*): And so the Barrier Reef Baka Reactor was completed. Dyke and I had some business to attend to out of town for a few days, and when we came back...
Old Guy: Basset! Dyke! Thank &*%£ you're back! Protect the village!
(*The Old Guy gets shot in the back, and Shine-Ra soldiers go onto the bridge, where Basset and Dyke were standing*)
Tifa (*Voiceover*): Funny how you don't look any younger in this flashback! Or Cloud in his, for that matter! I looked younger in it though!
Basset (*Voiceover*): Quit interrupting!
Tifa (*Voiceover*): Sorry...
Basset: Lookie lookie! Shine-Ra Soliders! Oh wait! Damn, I don't have my gun-arm yet!
Dyke: Dude? What're you on? I WANT some!
Basset: Uh...
Rouge: Damn, more people from Barrier Reef... just shoot them... aim for the feet, that's always the best way to do it...
(*Basset starts dancing as the bullets hit the ground, before he and Dyke start the Swanlake ballet. The soldiers stand in awe until they finish, and there is a brief round of applause, even as far as a boquet of flowers being thrown from one soldier who obviously carried them for just such occasions, before the soldiers started firing again. Basset and Dyke run, and Dyke slips off the cliff, to be caught by Basset. The scene freezes.*)
Cloud (*Voiceover*): And then what happens?
Basset (*Voiceover*): Ain't telling ya!
Cloud (*Voiceover*): Huh?
Basset (*Voiceover*): Not till you tell me the end of yours!
Tifa (*Voiceover*): Basset, you can't hold a story hostage!
Basset (*Voiceover*): Watch me!
Cloud (*Voiceover*): I already told you! I don't KNOW how it ends!
Basset (*Voiceover*): Oh, okay then... fine... can't blame a guy for trying though, huh?
Cloud (*Voiceover*): Just get on with it!
(*Gunshots go along the side of the cliff, before hitting Basset and Dyke in the hand that they were holding onto the other's hand with.*)
Basset: DYKE!
Dyke (*Falling*): Thanks a lot... some friend YOU are!
Basset: And after that, i got me a fake arm, but i got a part trade-in for a gun-arm. I heard someone had the same opperation, so i assume Dyke may be alive!
Cloud: Uh... what if it was just an accident involving a circular saw?
Aeris: Or rabid dog?
Tifa: Or rabid Moogle? What? It can happen! I heard about this guy in-
Redex: Or axe...
Yuffie: Or a sword
Cloud: Or-
Basset: So, you see, Dyke's alive! I Think he killed the guards, so I'm going with you to find him Cloud!
Cloud: Oh, fine... who else? Aeris? You've got a healy limit break, so...
Yuffie: So have i, AND i can kick ***, unlike Bo Peep
Aeris: Oh yeah? Anytime! Bring it on!
Tifa: You know, it's almost surprising no one got cabin fever really, considering how much time we've spent cooped up together...
Cloud: Oh, I'll take Yuffie, cos she doesn't get to do much otherwise...
Yuffie: Yay! Nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeh!
(*Yuffie pokes out her tongue at Aeris, before Cloud hurries off back to where he came from*)

[keated]

(*Yuffie pokes out her tongue at Aeris, before Cloud hurries off back to where he came from*)
Cloud: Hey, lookie lookie, that guy's been shot too!
Basset: Oh! I hope Dyke's okay!
(*They carry on, and eventually come to a scrapyard, after toiling in the desert for a while.*)
Basset: Hey! It's Dyke! Hey Dyke!
Dyke: Oh &*%$... %*&$ off Basset!
Basset: What? Oh, I'll ignore that hostility... how've you been buddy? I heard you had the same arm opp. but i wasn't sure it was you!
Dyke: For *&%$£* sake Basset, just *&$% off!
Basset: What? Oh, surely you don't blame me for that whole 'Village getting raised to the ground' thing...
Dyke: Sure i do! Now, I just kinda wanna blow up the world...
Basset: Including Marlene?
Dyke: She's alive?
Basset: Yup. I've been looking after her!
Dyke: Then we gotta fight!
Basset: Why?
Dyke: Cos I'm gonna kill her for going off with a &*$%*%* stranger!
Basset: Okay then... bring it on... (*Sigh*)
Dyke: That wasn't very enthusiastic!
Basset: Oh... all right then... gimme a second... ahem...
Dyke: I'm waiting...
(*Dyke starts tapping a foot*)
Basset: Okay: Bring it ON!!! (Better?)
Dyke: Much.
(*Basset and Dyke fight, Basset winning after using a limit break*)
Basset: That was easy...
Dyke: Argh... oh well... no point in crying over spilt milk, oh, here Basset, have this jewely thingy to give to Marlene.
Basset: Hey dude, why don't we both go?
Dyke: Well, I would, except, y'know, I just have too much on my hands...
Basset: Like blood?
Dyke: Hell no! I use a bloody gun! Well, it's not ACTUALLY bloody, 'cos then I'd HAVE blood on my... look, don't complicate this, i just mean i have too much to do...
Basset: Aw, c'mon Dyke!
(*Dyke shuffles to the edge of the cliff*)
Dyke: Nah... oh well, cya dude!
(*Dyke jumps*)
Basset: DYYYYYKKKKKKEEEEE!
Dyke: Yeah? Oh, damn, I'm dead ain't i? Silly me, forget my own head if it was loose!
(*Basset runs over to the cliff edge, before the scene fades out, to the trailer with the manager of the Barrier Reef Prison*)
Manager/Warden: Look, only one person can go up to the races... it's the Rules!
Cloud: I'll go... oh, and i might get around to getting you all freed!
(*Esthar walks in*)
Esthar: Well, howdy y'all! I ain't never seen them before, but i reckons they're tellin the truth, so I'll manage Cloud!
Warden: Uh... fine...
Esthar: Let's go Cloud!
Basset: (Surely she doesn't too? Is that EVERY female charactor we've come across?)
Yuffie: (Hey! Not quite... there's me and Ferrari that don't find him really really attractive, with that cool spiky hair, bulging muscles, tight lycra suit... that shows off his body so well... damn... make that just Ferrari!)
(*Cloud and Esthar get into the lift*)
Esthar: You know how to race a chocobo?
Cloud: Nah, just tell me...
Esthar: Basically, just shout to make it go faster, and shout louder to make it slow down!
(*They get to the top and depart*)
Esthar: That's Joe, who rides Teioh. He might seem like an alright kinda guy in here, but if you meet him on the racing track, you're really gonna think he's a *$%*&$£! I'll leave you here while i register you!
(*Cloud wanders round getting funny looks, before subtly pocketing the "Sparks Are Always Fun" Hysteria*)
Announcement: All riders: Get the *%&$ into the chocobo stables and get ready! NOW!
(*Everyone leaves, and the race starts. Cloud is immediately overtaken, but then, through heavy pecking at the opposition, manages to gain the lead again, and wins the race*)
Cloud: Yay! Nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeh!
(*Cloud leaves, and is greeted by Esthar*)
Esthar: Nice going Cloud! I got 200,00-1 odds on you! I'm rich! Yippee!
(*Esthar jumps and clicks her heels in the air*)
Esthar: Oh, and Dio sent this message...
Dio's Message: Yo Cloud! Well, sorry about the misunderstanding! For obvious reasons, I'm kinda hiding now, but you and your friends are all free to go. Oh, and to proove I'm a nice guy, have a little extra something...
P.S. PLEASE don't use it to come after me!!!
P.P.S. This message will self destruct in 5... 4...
Cloud: I'm pretty sure it won't...
Dio's Message: 1... 0...
(*Dio's message blows up, leaving Clould with a blackedned face, and his hair blown back, before his hair re-asserts itself, flowing like mercury back into position*)
Cloud: Okay then... perhaps I misjudged?
Redex: No *&$% Sherlock!
(*Cloud leaves the Gold Teaset, and discovers his new wheels*)
Tifa: Woah! Cool! It's red!
Aeris: So?
Tifa: well DUH... everyone KNOWS red things go faster...
Cloud: Hey, we can go over shallow water, AND cross the desert! How cool is THAT?
(*The little red buggy crosses the desert, continuing south, over the water, and to a little house*)

[keated]

(*The little red buggy crosses the desert, continuing south, over the water, and to a little house*)
Cloud: Oh... empty... well, USUALLY, I'd loot the place, but, hey, it's past 8:30, and you know, I just can't be bothered...
Tifa: Plus then Aeris would have a cooler limit break than you...
Cloud: YES, okay, i admit it, AND then Aeris would have a cooler limit break... but that's not the main reason... SAILOR's honour!
(*Cloud leaves, and gets back into the buggy, going to what looks like a cool ruined town in the middle of a forrest*)
Tifa: Hey! I hear voices!
Basset: Let's eavestrop!
Cloud: Cool!
(*They crouch down and listen*): Yeah, but you've got to admit it... Tifa is WELL fit!
Ford: No way! Aeris looks hotter!
Renault: Ha, she looks like she spends too long around sheep! I wouldn't be comforatable with someone like that...
Ford: Ha, fine... how about you Ferrari?
Ferrari: ...
Renault: Ah, she's hung up on someone in the Shine-Ra.
Ford: Really? Who?
Ferrari: ...
Renault: Lowdigger?
Ferrari: ...
Ford: Reef?
Ferrari: ...
Renault: Rufus?
Ferrari: ...
Ford: Hey, maybe it's one of us?
Ferrari: No WAY! It's Tsing! Tsing!
Renault: Did she just say 'sing'?
Ford: With pleasure...
Ford and Renault: Ferrari and Tsing, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Ferrari: Oh, for goodness sake be adult about this!
(*Ford and Renault exchange glances*)
Ford and Renault: Ferrari and Tsing, sitting in a tree, F-O-N.D.L-I-N-G!
Ferrari: Hmmph...
(*Ferrari storms off, colliding with Cloud*)
Ferrari: Sorry... hey! It's Cloud! My he's looking cute today!
Cloud: Uh...
Basset: Aw *&$%! That's every single one of them! What IS it about him?
Cloud: Must just be my manly swordsmanship, cool spiky hair, and, incidently, the rumour that i have a really big sword...
Renault: Eugh... that's one mental image i didn't need!
Basset: Yeah, you think it's bad for you? Now I've got to travel around with him for a while... eww ew-ew ew EW!
Renault: Well, we would have let you go, but i need to get rid of that mental image, so now let's fight!
(*They fight and, even if Renault and Ford had been unable to stand looking at Cloud with that mental image lodged in their minds, they would have lost just as easily*)
Renault: Ah... that soothing pain... now i can't think of anything but how much my legs hurt... hey Tifa, thanks babe!
Tifa: Don't call me babe...
(*Renault and Ford run for it, while Cloud goes up the path towards the ruined Baka reactor*)
Cloud: Wait a sec! How'd they know we were here?
Basset: Uh, maybe they were just here for the Baka Reactor?
Cloud: Yeah, but what if one of us is a spy?
Tifa: Oh, don't be so absurd!
Cloud: Oh well. Look! A Helicopter is coming in to land! Let's hide!
Basset: uh... it's a Shine-Ra helicopter... only the high-ups would have them... so... why don't we just bust them a new ***?
Cloud: Bust?
(*Cloud and Basset subconsciously turn to Tifa*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Cloud and Basset: SURE they are...
(*Cloud runs round the corner, with his spiky hair sticking out in an obvious way*)
Rouge: Let's have a look-see...
(*Rouge gets down on her hands and knees, and starts crawling into a tube*)
Rouge: Here shiney-shiney-shiney! BIIIIG shiney! Damn... there's only a little sparkly Hysteria in here! My Second-Cousin-Twice-Removed Ray needs Chunky Hysteria... Oh well... let's go!
(*Rouge gets back in the non-ergonomically-correct helicoppter, which promptly flies off*)
Cloud: I know, I've got me an idea!
Tifa: (Bound to happen someday...)
Cloud: I'll stick my hand down that tube she was looking down, and grab the Hysteria down there!
Basset: Go for it!
(*Cloud reaches down the tube*)
Cloud: Argh! It's got my arm! It's got my arm! It won't let go! Argh! It's pulling!
Basset: Another boss fight? Already?
(*Cloud pulls out his arm*)
Cloud: Nah... just messing around... you should SO have seen your face!
(*'Received the "Big Strong Dude" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Let's go visit that shanty town and have a laugh at the locals!
Basset: Should be fun!
Tifa: Let's go!
(*They walk into the town, changing party members on the way, passing an old lady*)
Old Lady: Oh, come to visit Gone-Ga-Ga, huh?
Cloud: Uh, yeah, sure
Aeris: Hey, I know... as usual, lets run randomly into people's houses, and steal everything not nailed down, before looking for a hammer with the bit for taking out nails...
Tifa: Yeah! Great fun!
(*They start at a random house, where a man and a woman are sitting at the table, seeming to just wait for people to walk in the door*)

[S.AsukaLangley]

I like this! It's hilarious! I think you should definately keep writing it!

[keated]

thanks for your support! wow, it means so much to me to know people are enjoying it! lol...

anyone who isnt, who thinks it's childish is welcome to reply too, you know... as long as the criticism is constructive :P

[keated]

(*They start at a random house, where a man and a woman are sitting at the table, seeming to just wait for people to walk in the door*)
Old Man: Hi! Have you seen our son, Jak?
Old Woman: He left a few years ago, without so much as a goodbye, and we haven't seen or heard (*wait for it...*) jack from him since...
Cloud: And this is my problem WHY?
Old Man: Well, he had clothing kinda like yours, and a big sword, kinda like yours, and went off to join SAILOR... last we heard, he made 1st class.
Cloud: Hey! Me too! Wow, maybe we'll meet up at some reunion! Huh? Where'd those two go... Hey! Aeris! Tifa! Don't LEAVE me-e-e-e-e-e!
(*Cloud runs outside, and runs into Tifa*)
Cloud: Woah, glad you've got shock absorbers!
Tifa: They're REAL!
Cloud [and unseen Aeris]: SURE they are.
Cloud: Come on, what's wrong?
Tifa: Huh, oh, nothing... just felt like some fresh air you know... guess you had to be pretty good to be in SAILOR, huh?
Cloud: (options) Well, i did TRAIN y'know!\It helps that the instructor was female, if you catch my drift...\ Sheer dumb luck... not like i can even swing this big-*** sword properly! (chooses 'Well, i did...')
Tifa: You're right, you earned it I guess...
Cloud: damn right i did! Now let's see where Aeris went!
Tifa: Hey, why don't we ditch Bo-Peep for a while, and stay overnight at the hotel?
Cloud: You know, i think that hotel only had one bed...
Tifa (*Fake innocence*): REALLY? Well, i think we should still investigate...
(*Aeris coughs unsubtly, and is standing between Tifa and the hotel*)
Tifa: Damn! Uh, i mean... oh GOOD... now we don't need to look for her!
Cloud: Hey Aeris!
Aeris: Oh... hi Cloud...
Cloud: Whassup?
Aeris: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-up!
Cloud: WHA-A-A-A-A-S-S-S-S-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UP!
Aeris: Just chillin', watchin' the game, havin' a Bud...
Tifa: Can we just get on with this please?
Aeris: Oh well... I'm sulking 'cos, well, did my mom tell you about that boyfriend of mine, *&%$£*% that he was... i SAID no, but it took a bloody rod into... well... into HIS rod... to stop him... anyway, but his name was Jak, so it's kinda a little painful to me...
Cloud: Oh...
Aeris: You jealous?
Cloud: (options): Me? Mr. Icy? Ha! I laugh at your suggestion! Ha-ha-ha!\ Uh... maybe a little...\ (*Fume, pout, sulk*) no...\ is it THAT obvious?\ no, i'm just trying to stir up rivalry between you and Tifa for my own enjoyment... \ no, i'm just trying to stir up rivalry between you and Tifa for my own revenge for what happened in Corny's mansion... (Choose '(*Fume, pout, sulk*) no...')
Aeris: Ooh! Cloud's got emotions too!
Cloud: So what if i do?
Aeris: Well, FINE...
Cloud: Look, lets just forget this, huh, and go on to Cosmic Canyon?
Tifa and Aeris: Agreed.
(*They make their way out, and halfway out, Aeris stops*)
Aeris: Ooh! Look!
Tifa: Ooh! Shiney!
(*'Recieved the "Hit, Miss, or Maybe" Hysteria'*)
(*They contine out, find their way out from the forrest, back into the buggy, before making their way to Cosmic Canyon, across the river. They pass it, and the buggy practically blows up*)
Cloud: Uh-oh... oh look... a place, out in the middle of nowhere, just when we break down... I'm not suspicious in the least.
(*They enter Cosmic Canyon, and Redex runs past*)
Redex: Courier delivery for Grandpa!
Guy On Watch: Yo! 's up Moonchild!
Cloud, Tifa and Aeris: Moonchild?
Guy On Watch: Yeah... didn't you know? Everyone here at the Cosmic Canyon Hippie Convent has names like that...
(*The guy on watch, wearing Love Beads, and a psychodellic poncho, stands in their way, until Redex comes up behind him and bites him*)
Guy On Watch: Hey! You haven't been on the Wacky Tobaccy already have you?
Redex: No, I just feel violent... anyway, they helped me, so let them in!
Guy On Watch: Woah dude! Remember: Peace and Love! Oh, and Cloud, we'll try to repair your Buggy...
(*The guy moves out of the way, before Cloud, Tifa and Aeris enter Cosmic Canyon*)
Redex: Let me give you the 2 cents tour: That big fire over there is the 'Cosmic Candle', which never goes out, 'cos we pile loads of Wacky Tobaccy onto it if it looks like it might, and up there, by that big telescope, is where my Grandpa lives!
(*Redex runs away, and Cloud follows*)
Redex: Grandpa! These are the guys i told you about! They helped me!
Grandpa: Ho ho ho!
Redex: Uh... grandpa... not the right time of year!
Cloud: Woah! It's... but it can't be!
Aeris: SANTA!
(*Aeris leaps, and lands on Santa's knees*)
Aeris: For christmas this year, i want a My Little Chocobo, and a memory card, and a Gameshark, and some Holy Hysteria, and-
Santa: Woah! Hold up! I only do all that for one month of the year, and only get on with the REAL work for about 1 day! The rest of the time, i get state benifits... heh heh heh...
Redex: Grandpa, it's July... you could at LEAST shed the fake-furs and the red suit!
Santa: But i don't WANNA!
Redex: Whatever... Sorry Cloud... my Grandpa may be Santa, but he's still a little embarressing at times...
Cloud: Aeris, get down from there...
Santa: By all means, take your time!
Aeris: Oh... this is kinda rude, but... have you got a TV here? I think i may just be in time for Saturday morning cartoons!
Redex: Come on... it's upstairs...
(*Everyone goes upstairs, before Aeris and Redex sit crosslegged in front of the TV*)

[keated]

(*Everyone goes upstairs, before Aeris and Redex sit crosslegged in front of the TV*)
Aeris: Damn, nearly missed it all!
TV:
'Let's see who the ghost REALLY is!'
(*Gasps all round*)
'Aunt McFaddy!?! The only other person we've seen this episiode?'
'But why?'
'Well DUH! There whole house is made out of gold... you remember you said how shiny it was?'
'Darn you all! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and your meddling Mog too!'
'Kupo Kupo Kuuuuuuuuuuu'
Aeris: Aww... so CUTE!
Redex: Ha... unlike my good-for-nothing dad... ha! Sneaking off, leaving mum with all the housework, and cleaning and protecting the canyon from invadors and stuff, while he went off for a round of mini-golf and a beer...
Santa: Ho ho ho? So THAT'S what he thinks... Cloud, can i talk to you in private?
(*Cloud and Santa go downstairs*)
Santa: Right, I'm planning on taking Moonchild, or, as you know him, Redex, on a really dangerous tour of the underground caves round here... feel like coming along? Tough, you are anyway! Oh, and bring a friend...
Cloud: Hmm... who to take... Redex, myself and... ooh... uh... other than Redex, i ain't taken Yuffie along in a while!
Santa: Whatever... anyway, when you're ready, meet up by that big sealed-up door downstairs...
(*Cloud and Santa go back upstairs, to get Redex, and Yuffie is downstairs waiting for them, whilst subtly swiping several items from the shops.*)
Yuffie: Okay, we ready?
Cloud: Sure... let's go!
(*The metal panel shifts to the side, before Cloud slips through, the panel shutting behind him, as he descends down the long rope into the heart of Cosmic Canyon*)
Santa: Okay, Cloud, be on your guard... we don't want me getting stuck in the chimney!
Cloud: Sure, fine... oh! Look! A non-suspicious-looking rock! Let's break it open!
Yuffie: Yay! Maybe there's Hysteria inside!
Cloud: Oh... ghostie monsters... ugh! Icky poison ghosty monsters!
Yuffie: You would have thought they've got something better to do with their afterlife than get their ***** kicked by us...
Cloud: Oh well... now they're dead again... ha, and they thought the dead felt no pain...
(*They kick the ghosts ***, before finding a switch in the wall, and opening the door to the next room*)
Santa: Redex, there was a guy from your race, who fought and killed those things in the rocks, to protect Cosmic Canyon. Well, okay, he put flowers in their guns, and they had MAJOR Hayfever, but that's not the point...
Yuffie: Ooh! A shiney Hysteria... nyuk nyuk nyuk!
(*'Recieved the "Like 'Sentimental Hysteria', Only Not" Hysteria*)
Cloud: Argh! Giant spideys! I HATE spideys!
(*Cloud kicks the spiders *** with magic, before continuing into the next room*)
Santa: The noble warrior guy with flowers came this way, or couldn't you tell?
Cloud: Oh look! A head in a wall!
Santa: looks like bad news!
Redex: Ah, just put it on the naughty list...
Cloud: No, let's kill it!
Santa: Wait a sec!
(*Cloud attacks and kills*)
Santa: But that was an endangered species!
Cloud: Well, it's just a bit more endangered now!
Santa: Oh well... i think there's one more in the world...
Cloud: Bound to be...
Santa: Oh well... you can leave Redex and me now... we're going outside into the fresh air...
Cloud: okay... we'll wander back to the canyon, you can find your way back safely of course...
Santa: Bound to... cya!
(*Santa and Redex leave*)
Yuffie: Ooh! ANOTHER sparkly!
(*'Recieved "Mass" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Well, I'm not waiting...
(*Cloud and Yuffie wander off*)
Santa: Look at that cool statue!
Redex: Wow... it's so lifelike! Wait a second... he's holding some flowers... is that?
Santa: Yup, that's your Pappy!
Redex: Oh... okay then... so he wasn't a complete *$*£*&$ then?
Santa: No.
Redex: Oh...
(*Something falls from the statue... 'Recieved "Flower Headband"'*)
(*Cloud and the others are sitting around the Cosmic 'Candle', inhaling deeply*)
Cloud: Well... Redex ain't coming with us... anyone up for just going on to Nibbleheim?
Tifa: Yeah, why not...
Basset: I'm not in a hurry...
Yuffie: Let's go! There's no Hysteria here!
Cait Sith: Damn! This bloody stuffed body can't get high!
Cloud: What about you Aeris... Aeris?
(*Cloud looks around, but Aeris is passed out*)
Cloud: Oh well... let's go!
(*Cloud and everyone else get up, bumping into the mechanic on the way to the exit*)
Mechanic: Woah dude! Oh, i couldn't fix that groovy buggy, so i replaced it!
Cloud: Uh thanks...
(*Cloud goes to leave, when Redex comes running down the stairs, tears streaming down his face*)
Redex: I wanna come too-oo-oo!
Cloud: Okay, why'd you change your mind?
Redex: Don't ask, okay? Let's just go...
(*Cloud leaves, and gasps when he sees the new vehicle. He gets into the Hippe Love Wagon, and goes across the river to Nibbleheim, before entering*)

[keated]

DAMN!

the parody file just corrupted! I have a backup, but it is SO far back... i've lost the whole of Nibel, Rocket town and Wutai! DAMN!

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

ARGH! (*sigh*) now i guess i have to write it again... damn that's annoying...:complain: :bawling::dead::angry::ssj::!?!:

(*sigh*)... :( :hmph: these posts are further along than the backup... -_-;

[Alundra]

Someone has alot of time on his hands.......

[keated]

lol, it's not that i have a lot on my hands, jut that this is what i choose to spend it doing...

and im gonna re-write what i lost...

[keated]

right... while i'm re-writing it, i could either post my dodgy 'FF7 in minutes' or the 'deleted scenes' [not the eaten scenes, but one i consciously chose to remove from the parody ;)], or i could just not post at all ;)

oh well...

[will take a while in any case... the old computer is blockaded at the moment, and that's where it all was... and, indeed, is...]

[keated]

(*Cloud leaves, and gasps when he sees the new vehicle. He gets into the Hippe Love Wagon, and goes across the river to Nibbleheim, before entering*)
Cloud: What the *$%&?
Tifa: Uh... Cloud... either they hired builders, but no architects, and just built everything on the old designs, we dreamed it, or something funny's going on here...
Aeris: Cloud! You lied to me!
Cloud: Did not!
Aeris: Liar! Liar! Pant's on fire!
(*Aeris accidently casts fire1*)
Cloud: Put it out put it out put it OUT!
Tifa: Stop! Drop! Roll! No! When i say DROP, i mean fall to the ground, not just drop whatever's on fire...
Cloud: Oh...
Aeris: Not that we're complaining though! Feel free to leave them down!
(*Cloud drops to the floor, and rolls around for a minute, before standing up, and pulling his pants back up again*)
Aeris: Aww... it's over already?
(*Aeris gets evil gint in eye*)
Aeris: Fir-
(*Tifa nudges her in the ribs, knocking the wind out of her*)
Cloud: Let's go and investigate...
Tifa: Oh boy... here we go again...
Cloud: Hey... you notice no one seems to recognise us?
Passer By: Why should we? We've, uh, been here all our lives, and, uh, it was never torched to the ground, really, honest!
Cloud: Uh... I never mentioned that part yet...
Passer By: ... Uh... I'm... uh... Psychic? (Yeah, like THAT'll wash!)
Cloud: Oh, okay then. I'm not suspicious in the least. Incidently, hasn't anyone noticed all those dudes in- well, i assume they're all dudes... in black capes, making the place look untidy?(*Cloud proceeds down 'Memory Lane' in Nibbleheim, before reaching the mansion*)
Cloud: Well, if anything's going down, it's bound to be happening in there... who wants to come with me?
Aeris and Tifa: I do!
(*Cloud shrugs, before entering*)
Aeris: Hey, look, a piece of paper!
Cloud: 'Oh damn, I lost the key to the safe...'? What's that about?
Tifa: Well, that probably means there's a safe here...
Cloud: Wow... anything in a safe has GOT to be helpful to our cause!
Aeris: Yes, especially if it's sparkly!
Cloud: Let's go!
(*Cloud goes upstairs, and finds the safe*)
Tifa: So... how do we get in there?
(*Aeris kicks it, before hopping about on 1 foot, tears trailing*)
Aeris: Oww! Waah! It's locked up tight Cloud.
Tifa: Well, if you haven't got any ideas Aeris, and I don't have any, we're not going to-
Cloud: Hey! I DO have an idea of my own from time to time!
Tifa: Wow, you do? Let's hear it then?
Cloud: Wellm, you rememebr the Shine-Ra tower? We still have the oxy-accetaline torch!
(*Cloud cuts a hole in the safe, and 'Lost Change-Down-The-Back-Of-The-Sofa' attacks, before Cloud hacks it to pieces with Meatballs-rain, having prepared it earlier*)
Cloud: wasn't that hard... oh well... lookie-lookie!
Aeris: OOH! Shiny!
(*'Recieved "Hit, Miss or Maybe" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Hey, look, a key! We may not have a use for it, but let's nab it anyway!
(*Cloud then proceeds down the very badly hidden secret passage*)
Cloud: Okay... now, do we choose the door in the wall, or the cool lab up ahead? Ah, let's go for the hole!
(*Cloud unlocks the basement, and enters the room filled with coffins, before going over to one specific one, without distrbing the others*)
Tifa: It's shut pretty tight...
Aeris: Let's smash it! What? I'm allowed to be destructive every now and again...
Cloud: Fine... let's open it with that crowbar over there...
(*Cloud opens it, smashing half the lid by accident*)
Cloud: Oops...
Vincent: Argh... not the marauding prawns again! No mommy... it's not time for school yet... ah... huh?
(*Vincent sits up*)
VIncent: Oh... sorry... ahem... what're you doing, busting in here?
(*Everyone, including Vincent, turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Vincent, Aeris and Cloud: SURE they are...
Cloud: What're you doing down here? Is that white-makeup?
Vincent: Uh... yes... i just happen to like the gothic ambience...
Tifa: What, you sleep down here, listening to gothic music?
Vincent: Yup. Anyway, where were we... oh yes... ahem... why have you awoken me from my punishment?
Cloud: Uh... sorry... we're just chasing after Bob, and-
Vincent: Bob? Tell me all you know of Bob! Please! I'll tell you all i know about him too!
Cloud: Well... okay then...
(*Cloud tells the story so far to Vincent*)
Vincent: Hmm, interesting, well, goodnight...
(*Vincent jumps back into his coffin, and nails the lid up, including a plank over the big gaping hole*)
Cloud: Hey! What about our info!
Vincent: Sorry Cloud, but I've already added to my sins too much... i mean, just SEEING Tifa... woah... and that thing about Bob added to my sins in other ways. Anyway, see you around... or not...
Aeris: PLEASE?
VIncent: Okay... i'll tell you what i can... i fell for a scientist... woah, she looked so HOT in her tight little labcoat, and her- uh... never mind... anyway... and things happened, and i ended up down here...
Aeris: Well FINE, be an info-hog, Mr. Stingy-Nasty-Pants!
Cloud: Calm down Aeris...
(*Cloud leaves and goes into the lab*)
Cloud: Hmm, looks familiar... oh yeah, i came down here to see Bob once before...
(*Cloud takes the path between the bookshelves, and Bob is standing there*)
Bob: Have a nice trip Cloud?
Cloud: Sure... nice peaceful cruise... how're you?
Bob: Fine, fine thanks... well, aren't you going to introduce me to these two CHARMING ladies?
Cloud: Sure... this is Tifa, and she swears they're real-
Tifa: They ARE real!
Cloud, Aeris and Bob: SURE they are...
Cloud: And this is Aeris, who's the last surviving Ancient...
Bob: Charmed, I'm sure... are you doing anything Saturday Aeris?
Aeris: Sorry, I think I'll be busy ith Cloud...
Bob: Oh well... see you on the other side of the mountain Cloud, so glad we had this chat...
Cloud: Sur- uh... Oh damn, we're meant to be enemies, aren't we?
Bob: Well... yes, i guess so... should we take that last scene from the top?
Cloud: Fine by me... just let me get my composure... ahem... You'll never get away with this... uh... whatever THIS is...
Bob: Ha ha ha, just try and stop me! I'm off, see you!
(*Bob flies off, throwing some Hysteria at Cloud*)

[keated]

(*Bob flies off, throwing some Hysteria at Cloud*)
(*'Recieved "Bye-Bye-Barrier" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Cool... ahem, we'd better get going...
(*Cloud heads back to the surface, when Vincent comes running out*)
Vincent: For apparently no reason, I've decided to join you!
Cloud: Double-cool... well, we'll meet up with you on the other side of the mountain range...
Vincent: Uh... sure...
(*Cloud leaves, and heads over the mountains, with as much ease as he had with Bob during his flashback*)
Aeris: Ooh! Happy-fun-slides! Let's take one!
(*Cloud slides down a tube and ends up at the bottom*)
(*'Recieved yet ANOTHER "Much" Hysteria'*)
Tifa: Hey look! Wow... it's a cool scorpion thingy...
Aeris: Oh damn, it's blocking the door
(*Cloud swings his sword around*)
Cloud: Woo-hoo! I've got meatballs-rain ready!
(*Cloud runs into the battle against "Weird-Blue-Scorpion-Dude"*)
Tifa: Don't kill it yet!
Cloud: Aww... why not?
Tifa: Well, if we just annoy it enough, it'll use a cool skill for the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" hysteria!
Cloud: Oh... fine... but i wanna smash him!
Tifa: Plenty of time for that later...
Cloud: Aww...
(*Cloud, Tifa and Aeris use really naff attacks, until the "Weird-Blue-Scorpion-Dude" uses its skill*)
(*'Recieved skill: "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again"'*)
Cloud: Woah, look at all this cool stuff! Hey Tifa, you want this cool ring thingy?
Tifa: Sure, why not...
Aeris: Ooh... shiny-sparkly!
(*'Recieved "Sweet Vengence!" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Hey, I know... for apparently no reason, once we get out of the mountains, I'm gonna change party members!
Tifa: Great plan!
(*They leave, and Cloud switches party members once they reach the outside world, before going on to Rocket Town*)
Basset: What the *%&$? What kinda *$%£ for a town is that?
Vincent: A descriptive one.
(*Cloud rubs his hands*)
Cloud: Okay, let's loot everything that's not nailed down! And then get a hammer with a nail-removing bit on the end, and steal everything that IS, and the nails too...
Vincent: What kind of Vikings have i joined here?
Basset: HEY! We only pillage, Vikings rape AND pillage...
Cloud: And hey, with looks like mine, who'd need to rape anyone?
Vincent: That's it... I'm just going to say '...' for a while...
Cloud: That's the spirit!
Vincent: ...
Cloud: Hey... how come you managed to get through the mountains so easily? It took Tifa, Aeris and I a LOT of effort to get through...
Basset: Simple... we took the escalator...
Cloud: Typical...
(*Cloud goes further into the town*)
Cloud: Hey, lookie, a plane behind that building, let's go in!
(*Cloud enters the building, tiptoed to the back door, before sneaking up to the plane*)
Cloud: Yoin-
Shera: A-HEM!
(*Cloud turns around, and has the decency to look embarressed*)
Shera: Was there something you wanted?
(*Cloud, Basset and Vincent huddle into a group*)
Cloud (*Whisper*): You ask!
Basset (*Whisper*): Hey! No way, you ask!
Cloud (*Whisper*): Why should i ahve to ask? i ALWAYS have to ask!
Basset (*Whisper*): Means that you're well practiced...
Vincent (*Whisper*): Oh, honestly children... I'll ask...
Basset (*Whisper*): Well, go on then!
Vincent: Can we have our ball back?
Cloud (*Loud Whisper*): That's NOT the question!
Vincent (*Whisper*): well then, you ask!
Cloud (*Whisper*): Fine, i will
Vincent (*Whisper*): You do that
Cloud (*Whisper*): I will!
Basset: Can we borrow the plane?
Cloud (*Whisper*): HEY! I was gonna ask!
Basset (*Whisper*): Liar...
Shera: A-HEM! Do you want the answer, or not?
Cloud: Yes please...
Shera: Go ask the captain... you can't miss him... he's in the rocket... like he always is... you know, it'd be nice to get some ATTENTION sometimes... HINT HINT...
Cloud: Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever, I'm sure it would... Rocket, right?
Shera: (*Sigh*) Yes, the Rocket...
(*Cloud leaves, and runs up to the rocket, before climbing in*)

[keated]

(*Cloud leaves, and runs up to the rocket, before climbing in*)
Cloud: Uh... are you the captain?
Cid: Yup... how'd you know
Cloud: (options: No *$&% Sherlock - you're the only one here!\ Uh, just a hunch\ Well, you look so much like a captain and (*Flatter flatter*)\ Cos it says on the blue box... (chose 'Well, you look so much like...')
Cid: Aw shucks, you're just saying tha- wait a minute, are you Shine-Ra, or are you just after something?
Cloud: Just after something.
Cid: Damn... i was hoping they'd come to restart my space program... oh well...
Cloud: Nah... sorry...
Cid: Oh well... better luck next time i guess...
Cloud: Oh... you're taking this pretty well...
Cid: Just go, huh?
(*Cloud leaves, and hears numerous loud expletives as he climbs down the ladder, and sounds along the lines of something metal being hit with a spanner in frustration*)
Basset: So... should we go back to his house?
Vincent: ...
Cloud: Vincent's right! We should go back.
(*Cloud goes back to Cid's house*)
Shera: Oh... it's you again... i thought it was too much to ask for the captain to come home early to see me...
(*Cid bursts in*)
Cid: *$%& Shera! Gimme some tea!
Shera: Yes Cid...
Cid: &*%$ Shera! We got guests! Give THEM some tea too! NOW!
Basset: That's the way to do it... keep 'em in line... did the same with my own wife...
Vincent: (And you wonder why you can't get a love interest in this?)
Cid: WIFE? HA! Don't make me laugh...
(*Cid storms out*)
Cloud: What's his problem?
Shera: Oh... i kinda bust his dream...
(*Tifa walks past the window, and everyone turns to her*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Cloud, Vincent, Basset, Shera and Cid: SURE they are...
(*Tifa carries on past the window and disappears again*)
Cloud: How'd you do that?
Shera: Well, I'll give you the short version... The rocket was nearly ready to launch. Everyone except Cid was told to evacuate. I stayed to mend a coolant system. He should have blasted off, but he discovered i was in there, and aborted the launch to save my life, 'cos otherwise i would have been toasted. Now, i owe my life to him, and do anything he asks of me...
Basset: Guess that explains the bikini up in this part of the world...
(*Cid re-enters*)
Cid: SHERA, you stupid &*$%! TEA! NOW!
Shera: S-sorry Cid...
Basset: One thing i don't get... if you really don't like her, why dya make her wear such tight and so LITTLE clothing?
Cid: Just 'cos i don't like her, don't mean she aint hot!
Cloud: Hey, if you really don't like her, why keep her around?
Cid: Cos... uh... cos... damn, um... oh, cos then i'd have to do stuff myself!
Cloud: Okay... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Palmer: Knock knock!
Basset: Who's there?
Cid: It's that fat Shine-Ra executive again, and this time he's even more obese!
(*Palmer enters*)
Palmer: Hey... it's glandular... OH! Tea? Great... I'll have some condensed lard in mine please, with a pie floating in it... mhm... lard... tying about equal second on my favourite words list... along with 'lunch', 'dinner', 'food', 'fattening', 'Doughnut', 'sugary' and 'Couch-potato'... but they've got NOTHING ont he ultimate word: 'PIES'!
Cid: I didn't think it was possible, but you look even fatter this time...
Palmer: Well, we Shine-Ra executives had to eat the President's share of the pies... you know the average pie consumption in the Shine-Ra is 20 per day? And most of the employees only get 1 per day...
Cid: So, gonna re-start the space-program?
Palmer: I dunno... Rufus is outside, go ask him!
Cid: Hot damn!
(*Cid leaves so fast that his chair spins on one leg*)
Palmer: Hmm... you look familiar... tell me... have you ever been a Pie-Delivery boy?
Cloud: Um... no...
Palmer: Okay then... (*phew*) thought it was someone i'd forgotten to tip, after revenge...
Cloud: No.
Palmer: Oh well... that's okay then...
(*Palmer leaves, after Cid*)
Basset: Eavestrop?
Cloud: I thought you'd never ask!
(*Cloud opens the door a crack, and peers out*)

[keated]

(*Cloud opens the door a crack, and peers out*)
Cid: WHAT?
Rufus: Sorry... we can't afford it... not without laying off a load of Pie factory workers...
Cid: But... less pies are being eaten anyway!
Rufus: Untrue... more people are eating them now tha there's enough to go round... Oh, and we're taking the plane...
Cid: WHAT? First space, now the sky? What's next?
Rufus: Well, your road-tax is overdue, so we're towing your car too...
Cid: GRR! You ain't taking the Bucking Bronco!
Rufus: Sorry, but to follow Bob, we need to go overseas...
Cid: Use something else then!
Rufus: Sorry, no can-do...
(*A small green toad appears from nowhere*)
Green toad: You can do it too, with Kandoo!
(*The small green toad disappears*)
Rufus: as i was saying, no, becuase the Breakwind is out of methane, and i don't like Girl-knickers... they don't have enough room...
Basset (*Whisper*): He'd know...
Cloud (*Whisper*): Actually, he's right...
(*Basset moves slightly further away from Cloud*)
Cid: There's no way I'm lettng you take the &*$£%&$ Bronco!
Rufus: I thought it was the 'BUCKing Bronco'...
Cid: It is, I'm just a little upset!
Rufus: what's that word mean anyway?
(*An advisor leans over and whispers in Rufus' ear*)
Rufus: Oh... well, don't blame an 8-year old for not knowing! I had no idea it was another name for Mr. Stork... did we ever catch up with him? I bet the land where all the babies come from has LOADSA Baka energy!
(*Rufus' advisors and guards exchange glances*)
Cloud (*Whisper*): Hey, I've got an idea... the plane wasn't nailed down
Basset (*halfway out of the door*): WAY ahead of you Cloud!
(*Cloud runs out of the door, and Palmer is sitting on the grass having a picnic*)
Palmer: MHM! Pies... i love pies... hey! My favourite! This one's a 'Pie' Pie!
Basset: Why not go nuts and have a 'Pie Pie' Pie?
Palmer: Don't be rediculous!
Cloud: We're taking the plane!
Palmer: No way! left my pudding in there... it's a blueberry pie!
Cloud: looks like a fight then!
(*Fight begins against Palmer*)
Palmer: You don't stand a chance... i ahve a Baka-gun!
Basset: What's it do?
Palmer: Dunno... that's one reason why it's Baka...
(*Cloud kicks Palmer's *** with Meatball-rain, and Palmer runs out into the path of an oncoming truck, and, incidently, a personal injury-claim lawsuit*)
Cloud: Crap! The plane's moving!
Basset: Man, this is gonna leave emotional scars, jumping onto a moving aircraft...
Vincent: ...
(*Cloud jumps on, as does everyone else. The bucking bronco takes off, and flies low over Rocket Town, incidently allowing Cid to get on, however, the only Shine-Ra troop who could shoot the broad side of a barn manages to hit the fuel tank, making the Bucking Bronco crash into the sea*)
Cid: Oh &%$$*%! Well, screw this, i never liked the Shine-Ra anyway, any chance of going with you guys?
Cloud: Sure, why not? If we can use this thing as a raft...
Cid: My beautiful baby... a raft? Aww man... this is all it can do now... DAMN, I'm gonna kick me ome *** over this later...
Cloud: That's the spirit!
Basset: Hey, look! Land!
Cloud: Let's go for it!
(*Cloud gets off on the beach, before going north to the only town on the whole island, when Yuffie suddenly appears*)
Yuffie: Hey Cloud... wow, that Hysteria looks heavy... here, why not let me hold it for you for a while?
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least... here you go!
Yuffie: Wow... thanks Cloud! Uh-oh, i had nothing to do with this one!
Vincent: THIS one?
Yuffie: Well, Cloud, dya remember the time at the station, when you jumped onto teh train, and the guards were closing? Well, i had nothing to do with that either...
Cloud: Okay... I'm not suspicious in the least then...
Basset: Hey, look, those Shine-Ra soldiers are attacking!
(*A battle ensues, which they win, though not as easily as normal*)
Cloud: Hey! Where's my Hysteria?
Vincent: Where's Yuffie?
Basset: Well, I've still got mine... should take better care of it...
(*Aeris comes running up the hill, waving her shepards crook menacingly*)
Aeris: Where'd that *$&%* Yuffie go?
Cloud: Stole our Hysteria, and legged it!
Aeris: &*$%&*$ *%^$*! Same happened to us!
Cloud: So... she got ALL of everyones Hysteria?
Basset: Nope, i got mine...
Cloud: Really? How?
Basset: Simple, i keep mine in my underpants...
Aeris: Ew!
Basset: She didn't fumble around in there, looking for it, more's the pity...
Cloud: Well, I'm guessing she's going to the only town on this island...
(*Cloud walks off with Vincent and Basset, and eventually ends up in Wutai*)

[keated]

Cloud: Hey! There's Yuffie!
Vincent: Get her!
(*Yuffie pegs it away*)
Cloud: (*puff puff, pant pant*) we'll never catch her...
Basset: Hey, let's go check out that big building at the top!
Vincent: The pagoda?
Basset: No, the mansion...
Cloud: Ha-HA! Let's go!
(*Cloud goes to the mansion*)
Cloud: Hey! Free beds!
Vincent: Uh... what if some heavily armed guys come in and surround us, or something...
Cloud: Nah... that only happens if it's a free stay at a hotel or something...
(*They take a nap, before Cloud goes to the only room with anyone inside it*)
Cloud: Hiya! You seen someone called Yuffie? She kinda pinched our Hysteria...
Man: No... who're you?
Cloud: I'm Cloud, this is Vincent, and this is Basset.
Basset: Uh... I'M Basset... you pointed at Vincent then...
Cloud: Well... you normally stand on my right... why'd you switch? You knew i wouldn't be bothered enough to turn around... anyway... who're you?
Man: I'm the guy in charge of this town, I'm Frodo.
Vincent: (*Suppresses a laugh*) Frodo? You look a bit... taller than I'd imagined...
Frodo: Hey! It's only a nickname...
Cloud: Oh... Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: No... i already told you...
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: No! I haven't!
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: Nope...
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: The answer, surprisingly enough, is still NO!
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: Do you REALLY think asking me again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again will change the answer?
Cloud: Yes. Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: NO! Fof the last bloody time, NO!
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: (*Sags*) I... i don't even KNOW anyone named Yuffie!
Cloud: Have you seen Yuffie?
Frodo: Are you in trouble with the Shine-Ra? 'Cos if so, you are SO out of my town...
Yuffie: Aww, don't be such a poopy-pants pop!
(*Yuffie jumps down from rafters*)
Yuffie: These guys are the ones fighting th Shine-Ra!
Cloud: Yeah, and it'd be a whole lot EASIER with our bloody Hysteria!
Yuffie: Sorry Cloud, but I'm skint... laters!
(*Yuffie tries to jump back up, but can't quite make it*)
Yuffie: Uh... li'l help?
(*Cloud gives her a boost up*)
Yuffie: ha ha ha! SO long suckers!
Cloud: Damn, outsmarted again
Vincent and Basset: Don't take much...
Frodo: Well, she's gone... for no obvious reason, rather than going 2 her hosue, and bolting the door, she'll be hiding around town somewhere...
Cloud:Thanks!
(*Cloud runs out, and to the Turtles Paradise Bar*)
Renault: Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeen thousand bottles of-beer-on-the-wall, ten thousand bottles-of-beer...
Ford: Ya take one down...
Renault: And pass it to ME! (*hic*)
Ferrari: ...
(*Ford nudges her, or, at least tries, but he's so drunk he misses and falls from his seat, before staggering back into it*)
Ford (*Whisper*): It'sh ya line!
Ferrari: hey! Look! It's Cloud! Or some other guy with spiky hair! Hey Cloud, hunny!
Cloud: Uh...
Ford: Hey... if that's Cloud...
Renault: Then he's got Tifa and Aeris with him!
Ford: Man, Aeris has really put on weight!
Renault: There's no way I'm drunk enough to mistake Vincent for Tifa...
Cloud: Uh... we're outta here...
(*Cloud leaves*)

[keated]

Ferrari: Damn, Cloud's looking SO hot today... I'm following him! You coming?
Renault: nyaaaaaaah... don't think i'll be doin' that!
Ford: I'll stay here for a while... (*hic*)
Ferrari: (*Hic*) Well, who nee- needsha... needsya! Ha! Not me! Come here Cloud, hunni!
(*Ferrari staggers out*)
Ford: I'm goin' after her... sh'aint safe, that drunk (*hic*)... besides... Aeris was looking HOT today...
(*Ford staggers out, leaving Renault looking depressed and lonely... until he realises he's got the remainders of the drinks, enough to last 3 people all night...*)
Renault: Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine-hundred... hey! I'm not as think as you drunk i am!
(*Cloud enters the shop in Wutai*)
Shopkeeper: Sorry... fresh out of... everything...
Cloud: Uh... the sign says 'fresh delivery today'...
Shopkeeper: Yeah, well... it was very popular...
Vincent: Look, a big chest!
Basset: Wonder what it's been filled up with...
(*Tifa walks in*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Basset, Cloud, Vincent, Shopkeeper and Loitering Guy: SURE they are...
Tifa: That wasn't what i was here to say... Basset, Redex said he had something he wanted to talk to you about... something about supplies from Cosmic Canyon?
Basset: Hot damn, my... medicinal herbs! Ha-Ha!
(*Basset leaves*)
Tifa: Looks like I'm coming with you... hey, look, a wooden... box...
Vincent: Why say box? t's clearly a che-
Tifa: You know damnwell why i didn't say chest!
(*Everyone in the shop turns accusingly towards Tifa*)
Tifa: They're real!
Cloud, Vincent, Shopkeeper and Loitering Guy: SURE they are...
(*Cloud opens the box*)
Tifa: Ooh! A sparkly!
(*'Recieved "Yoink! Gotcha MP!" Hysteria'*)
Yuffie: Y'know, i dunno why i didn't stea this before... oh well... YOINK!
(*Yuffie jumps down on a bungee-cord upsidedown, nabs the Hysteria, then bounces back into the shadows*)
(*'Stolen "Yoink! Gotcha MP!" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Hey! We stole that first!
(*Cloud runs out after Yuffie, and into the house nearest the entrance of Wutai*)
Child: Hey grandpa, there's more weirdos, like that one before... you know... the one behind the screen... you can see her feet... HINT HINT!
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least... Okay, i guess she's not in here...
(*Tifa leans against the screen, and accidently knocks it aside*)
Yuffie: oh darn!
(*Yuffie legs it, and Cloud follows through the door*)
Cloud: Damn, where's she gone?
Tifa: Hey, is that pot wobbling?
(*Cloud walks over to it, before smashing it*)
Cloud: Uh... sorry...
(*The couple that had been making out fled*)
Vincent: You should probably have knocked first...
Cloud: Yeah, well, too late for regrets now...
(*In the little pond, a reed starts zig-zaging, before Yuffie surfaces*)
Yuffie: Eugh! Damn, i need to go home and change...
Cloud: That's it: you're coming with us!
(*Vincent and Tifa get either side of Yuffie, and drag her to her house, meeting up with Cid and Aeris on the way there, as Redex and Basset are still conducting aromatherapy experiments*)
Yuffie: Okay... your Hysteria is in this safe here... check under the carpet for a key!
Cloud: I'm not suspsicious in the least...
(*Cloud reaches under*)
Cloud: Nothing...
Yuffie: HUH?
(*A guy tries to hide in a corner of the room*)
Tifa: HEY!
(*Cid drags him out, and dumps him in the middle of the room*)
Guy: Okay, i admit it! The Don ordered me to thpy on you for him! He altho athked me to thteal the key to the thafe!
Aeris: So, you just blindly did it?
Guy: You don't thurvive long if you argue with the Don! Hey, aren't you Aerith?
(*Aeris narrows her eyes, before hitting the guy over the head with her big-shephards-crook so many times in such a short space of time that it made omni-slash look pale by comparison*)
Cloud: Woah... is that one of your limit breaks?
Aeris: No... but he called me 'Aerith'... NO ONE calls me 'Aerith'...
(*Aeris sits down and sulks quietly*)
Cid: Not for long, anyway...
Cloud: Well, we've got to get to Don Corny then... I'll take Tifa and Vincent with me...
(*Cloud leaves, and goes to the well next to the mansion, before ringing the bell*)

[keated]

(*Cloud leaves, and goes to the well next to the mansion, before ringing the bell*)
Cloud: Wow... i accidently opened that door!
(*Cloud goes through the secret door, and sees two of Corny's cronies holding wriggling sacks*)
Basset: &*$% Cloud! Gemme outta here!
Ford: You won't get away with this!
Corny: Wow... this day gets better and better! First i capture some real hotties, then Cloud comes busting down here!
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: They're REAL damnit!
Cloud, Vincent, Basset, Ford, Corny, Corny's Lackeys: SURE they are...
(*Corny, now wearing a fluorescant pink dressing-gown, and his Lackeys, who are now wearing tight pink tank-tops, run for the door*)
Cloud: After them!
(*Cloud runs after them, after stopping to pick up the stuff in the crates*)
Cloud: You're surrounded!
(*Corny jumps over the Shine-Ra troops, despite his obesity, and, unable to admit a REALLY fat guy out-manouvred them, the troops continue to Cloud, who kills them easily*)
Cloud: Damn, where'd that fat guy go?
(*Cloud runs out, and then out of the mansion*)
Renault: Where'd Ford go? (*Hic*)
(*Cloud sighs, and points towards Da Chaos*)
Cloud: They went thatta-way!
(*Some corny country-chase music starts up, as they run to Da Chaos*)
Cloud: They're not up this path
Renault: Nor this one!
Tifa: Hey, although we passed this one, we failed to notice that there were here all along!
Corny: Hmm... let me see... you... or you?
Basset: Eugh! You try anything with me, and the gun-arm will NOT be a pleasant accessory!
Corny: Hmm, kinky! My companion for the night will be... BOTH of you!
Ford: Ew! No way Hosé!
Cloud: Aha! Stop right there Corny!
Corny: Aww... it was just getting interesting...
Cloud: We're gonna kick your fat (*wait for it*) Apps for what you did in the sewers!
Corny: Funny you should mention that... meet my new playmate!
(*Rapper comes into view, complete with chains*)
Rapper: Yo, blinging! Bling bling!
(*Vincent takes out Rapper on his own*)
Vincent: Rap just gets on my nerves...
(*Cloud advances on Corny*)
Corny: Why dya think a sleaze like me would give himself up?
Cloud: (Options) Because you're a nice guy at heart?/ 'Cos you've got the hots for Cloud?/ Because you know you'll win?/ Because you can't see any other way out?/ Because you're feeling sadistic? (Chose 'Because you know you'll win?')
Corny: Damn right!
Guy: Excuse me! Wow, a little rock-scaling, and some shady deals... wait a minute, 6 of you, one of me... i make that PimmsO-Clock!
Corny: Not right now! I gotta push this button!
(*Corny pushes the button, and Basset and Ford end up hanging upside-down*)
Cloud: Uh... and that does what?
Corny: Well... uh... all the blood will rush to their head?
Renault: Let them down...
Corny: Oh no! Not you!
(*Corny backs towards the edge*)
Grolsch Guy: Shtop! This scene is not ready yet! The other person isn't even in position yet... you can't rush these things... like when we Dutch brew the Grolsch, we leave it until it's ready... well... carry on!
(*Grolsch guy wanders away, along with the Pimms guy*)
Cloud: Worrying... definately worrying... ahem... back to business!
(*Ferrari comes round the corner*)
Ferrari: Boo!
(*Corny drops, and ends up hanging on by his fingers*)
Corny: Help me!
(*Renault walks over, and starts to tread on Corny's fingers*)
Corny: Ow! Hey, whatchit, dumbass!
Renault: Why do you think I'm going to let you plummet to the ground?
(Options) Because you're a nice guy at heart?/ 'Cos you know you'll get away with it?/ Because you know you'll win?/ Because you can't see any other way out?/ Because you're feeling sadistic?
Corny: Uh... Because you're feeling sadistic?
Renault: Nope.
(*Renault kicks Corny off*)
Renault: The correct answer is... Becasue it's my job.
Corny: CHEATER! That wasn't even an option!
(*Corny screams on the way down, pauses for a breather, then resumes, before an amusing squelching sound occurs, before Renault's phone rings*)
Renault: Randy Renault's Escort Services here... oh! Sorry... uh... bad connection sir... moonlighting? No, of coruse not... find Cloud? Uh... surething...
Ferrari: Uh... he's right-
Renault: Sorry sir, can't see him, we'll go looking...
(*Renault turns the phone off, before taking his hand off from Ferrari's mouth*)
Renault: You had a lucky escape this time Cloud, next time, I won't be as generous...
(*Renault and Ferrari leave, before running back, scowling, grabbing Ford, and jogging off, with him held between them*)
Basset: Yo, kids... get me DOWN from here!
(*The scene blacks out, and reappears with Yuffie putting Hysteria back in the wrong slots*)

[keated]

(*The scene blacks out, and reappears with Yuffie putting Hysteria back in the wrong slots*)
Yuffie: To show no hard feelings, take this that i stole from you most recently... i can still go with you all, right?
Cloud: Huh, oh, yeah, sure, fine... Right, now, for absolutely no reason, we're going to that little house that we didn't raid earlier, in case anyone's in now...
(*Cloud leaves Wutai, before getting back on the Bucking Bronco, and going to said little house they didn't raid*)
Weapons-Dude: Hey, you never asked, but i sold the Keystone, which you need to get into the Temple of the Ancients, hint hint, to the guy who owns the Gold Teaset...
Cloud: Thanks dude...
(*Cloud leaves, before going to Barrier Reef, to take the Train-Thingy up to the Gold Teaset, before arriving safely at the top, and making his way to Neo's showroom, near the battle arena*)
Neo: Hey, you can't jsut take that you know!
Cloud: Aww... just ONCE, i wish we could just do what we wanted... i mean, i want to perform with the Blingar Ballet School...
Neo: Uh HUH... well, you've just got to amuse me, that's all...
Tifa: Ew!
Neo: No, I didn't mean like that!
Cloud (*mumble*): Aw... but i wanna...
Tifa: Oh... okay then... ahem... Knock Knock...
Neo: Who's there
Tifa: The person who's gonna break your bloody-nose if you don't hand over the keystone NOW!
Neo: "The person who's gonna break your bloody-nose if you don't hand over the keystone NOW!" Who?
Yifa: ME!
Neo: Wait... if this is a 'knock knock' joke, that means there must, in fact be a knocker, as it were, involved...
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: They ARE real!
Cloud, Neo and Vincent: SURE they are...
Neo: Well... all i wanted was for one of you to go into the battle arena, and just fight... don;t worry about getting very far... even if you get kicked straight out again, it'll be a laugh...
Cloud: I'll go!
(*Cloud enters the arena, after having both hands tied behind his back, and his sword placed between his teeth*)
Cloud: Hey, Ticha! Loog ag gee! Do hans
(*Cloud gets to the end, and spits out the sword*)
Cloud: Are you not entertained?
(*Cloud grins and leaves smugly*)
Cloud: I love that film... That'll be one keystone please by the way... and could someone untie my hands now?
Tifa: Ooh, i like it when you're tied up... it's so kinky...
Cloud: Uh... Vincent... VINCENT!?!? Untie me NOW... please?
(*Vincent unties Cloud's hands*)
Tifa: Aww...
Neo: Well, here's the Keystone, enjoy...
Cloud: Wait... why's it called the keystone?
Tifa: Well, cos it's a big key made from stone...
Cloud: AH! Now i get it...
Tifa: Good...
Cloud: The person at the door was you! Ha ha ha!
Tifa: Uh... Cloud? You only just got that?
Cloud: Yup...
(*Tifa sighs*)
Vincent: Perhaps we should now make our exit?
Cloud: Sure.
(*They go back to the Train-Thingy*)
Woman: Uh, sorry, it's out of order... we're doing repairs... okay, so we just want you to spend more time and, therefore, money here... heh heh heh... oh damn! I said that outloud, didn't i?
Cait Sith: Hey guys! I managed to swing my weight around, and get us a room, well, several, at the hotel here!
Cloud: Well, I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Scene changes to the lobby of the Ghost Hotel*)
Cloud: Well, nitey-night... I'm off to bed...
Cid: Wait you *$%&! You gonna tell us what the &*$% is going on?
(*Cloud sighs*)
Cloud: You REALLY wanna know, or can i get some sleep?
Cid: Yeah, now tell me before i ram the blunt end of the spear up your spikey-haired ***!
Cloud: How'd you know that my *** was-
Cid: Just get on with it!
Cloud: Okay, okay... sheesh, no need to get like that...
(*Cloud cracks his knuckles*)
Cloud: I don't know squat, now goodnight.
Cid: Hey!
Tifa: Looks like I'm going to have to explain what we know so far... Bob is a bad man, who wears a black cape, and is taking his mother, Bendover, to the Promised Lard. This is bad. The Shine-Ra also wanna get there. This is also bad. Aeris is an Ancient, an Et-Cetra, and she can stop him, not sure how, 'cos she's a wussy-pansy. We're going to the Temple Of The Ancients, 'cos it's a cool pyramid, and, besides, it's where everyone else is going. It also has architecture that Escer could well be proud of. We needed the Keystone, we HAVE the Keystone so, unless someone here is a Shine-Ra spy and steals it, end of story. Good night.
Cid: Well, I'm nonethewiser... oh well... good night all...
(*Everyone goes away to their various rooms*)
(*Later that night...*)

[Terry_Bogard!]

pretty good.

[keated]

glad u like it :D

[keated]

[y is this 1 so late? was i on holiday? no. Incapacitated? No. so what weas the problem? i rather foolishly decided to try intorducing a little democracy... ha... GREAT plan... i got 1 whole treply of 5... (*sigh*) anyway, i wrote all 4 [cos cloud can get a d8 with any of 4 characators] and decided 2 c which was best... but hey: this is my favourite 1 too ;) and i'll post the other ones at the end, with the other 'deleted scenes'... lol... without further ado, enjoy ;)]

(*Cloud leaves*)
(*Cloud stands around, instead of going to bed, and there is a knock at the door*)
Aeris: Hey, Cloud, either you let me in, or you won't get paid!
(*A fraction of a second later, there is the sound of bolts being pulled back*)
Aeris: What took you so long?
Cloud: So, shall we go?
(*Aeris moves herself for the maximum effect from her dress, which has a slit in one side, going nearly the whole way up*)
Aeris: Sure, Theatre Bar sound okay?
(*They go down to the Theatre Bar*)
Person At Door: Wow, just by fluke, you HAPPEN to be our 100th couple tonight!
Aeris: Really?
Person At Door: How should i know! I haven't been counting! You paid me, remember!
Aeris (whisper): Shuddup, dumbass!
Person At Door: Don't worry about acting, the crew will cover for you...
Narator: Once, this was a beautiful kingdom... no longer. It was ruled by a wise and just king. No longer. It had a REALLY fit princess. No longer [What? It's called Improvisation... never heard of it? Look, no one showed me the script... complete &*$£%*&$!] Now the Evil Dragon King, EDK to his friends, has taken over, and it's up to Alfred, the great... and mighty warrior... [i say, did anyone notice what i did there? I made it sound as though it was someone else, by George... ha-ha! Hark at that! Another pun, george the dragon slayer! I must say, I'm on a roll tonight!] to save the princess from his wicked grasp. [Incidently, I heard that Square was going to use this as a template for Final Fantasy 24...]
(*King pirouettes on stage*)
King: Oh, Alfie! Please save my daughter!
Cloud: No problem.
King: Who will you ask for help?
(*Knight and Wizard pirouette on stage*)
Cloud: Uh... hmm... i think i'll ask the audience on that one... what's his weakness?
King: Well, 2% voted for it being Thermo-Nuclear Device, 79% voted for it being True Love, 9% voted for it being Skunks, and 10% voted for it being that He's Ticklish Under His Right Arm.
Cloud: Hmm... uh... can i take a 50/50?
King: Sure... you're left with 'True Love' and 'Thermo-Nuclear Device'
(*A rather loud cough sounds from the audience after 'True Love' is mentioned*)
Cloud: Hmm... well... i don't know much about True Love, so it must be that one...
(*EDK enters*)
EDK: Ha-ha! I'm a generally-nasty person...
Cloud: (options) Kiss the Princess/ Kiss the EDK / Kiss the King (chooses 'Kiss the Princess')
Aeris: Woo hoo!
EDK: Nooo! I'm melting, I'm... wait, no I'm not! Oh, heck, I've just turned into a Nice Guy... here, have your Kingdom back...
(*All actors and actresses pirouette off the stage, Aeris and Cloud leave*)
Aeris: Feel like a gondola ride?
Cloud: Do i!
(*Aeris and Cloud get on the Gondola*)
Aeris: Hey Cloud, look out of the window, don't that look pretty?
(*Cloud looks out*)
Cloud: Don't see anything...
(*Aeris sticks one leg up on the seat*)
Aeris: Oh, look! Silly me! I was in SUCH a rush to get to your room, that i forgot to put on any underwear... wanna see?
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris: Why not take a closer look?
Cloud: Um... you've known me for, what? Under a week?
Aeris: Oh, come on Cloud! You'd be the first... well, nearly...
Cloud: Nearly?
Aeris: Well... okay, lemme see... first... second... third... fourth...
(*Half an hour later*)
Aeris: Three hundred and thirty-eigth... i think it'd be that one...
Cloud: Huh? [Should have gone for the 'Slum Slut' option earlier...] How did you get so many?
Aeris: Well, i got over 250 in the Shine-Ra building... if you hadn't come in to rescue me, i was working on an alternative escape plan...
Cloud: Uh-huh... well, look at the time... we're back at the station
Aeris: Aww... already? Oh well... feel like going to bed Cloud?
Cloud: Uh...
(*Cloud and Aeris go to the main part of the Gold Teaset*)
Aeris: Hmm... what's Cait Sith doing here?
Cloud: Probably out for a stroll... hey! Cait! How's it going?
(*Cait Sith runs*)
Aeris: That's not very sporting...
(*Cloud and Aeris run after him, through various places, eventually ending up at the chocobo races*)
Cloud: Hi Cait Sith!
(*Cait Sith runs inside*)
Cloud: Damnit...
(*Cloud and Aeris run up, and into the Chocobo Racing building thing, and half follow Cait Sith round the central part*)
Cloud: Wait up Cait Sith!
(*Cait Sith shakes his head, and runs out again, past them*)
Aeris: Darn, should have gone one way each...
(*They run after him, and are in time to see Cait Sith handing over the Keystone to a waiting Shine-Ra Ergonomically-Incorrect-Helicopter*)
Cait Sith: Here you go!
Tsing: Thanks!
(*The helicopter flies away*)
Aeris: How could you Cait Sith, you *%&$%*&!
Cait Sith: I was hoping it wouldn't come to this... here, this phonecall is for you...
Marlene: Hi! Cloud, is that you? Is that the Flower-lady with you? Please tell my daddy to KICK THE *** OF THIS GUY!
Cait Sith: Uh-oh...
Cloud: Heh heh heh...
Cait Sith: Damn... guess i should have had them captured, rather than just placing a long-distance call...
Cloud: Oh well... too late for regrets now...
Cait Sith: Yup, i guess so...
Cloud: Well, seeing as how you're so poorly organised, i guess we'll let this one go...
Cait Sith: Yay!
Aeris: Well, let's all go back to our rooms... hey Cloud, feel like walking me to mine?

[Nanase]

LMAO! This is priceless. ^^;; I loved the part that made fun of that "kupo!" ****.

[keated]

wow! another admiring fan! I'm so happy that people are enjoying it :D

[S.AsukaLangley]

How can anyone not enjoy it? It's great!

[keated]

Wow! even more praise :D

[i could get used 2 this ;)]

[Sixteen]

Again you surprise me with how good this parody of FFVII is. Normally I don't like Parodies. Esspecially those about Final Fantasy anything. But this is done with such a flair and such good taste that it is hard not to like it. I applaude you for the good work.

[keated]

heh, anymore of these kind of posts, and it's probably gonna go to my head :blush: -o-;

oh well... all i hope is that people continue to enjoy it, until the end, and then past, because of the 'deleted scenes'... :)

[keated]

<<Dare i ask, Sixteen, what you'd consider poor taste?:scared:>>


(*Cloud wakes up*)
Cloud: Woah... what a night... oh well...
(*Cloud goes down to the others*)
Cloud: Mornin' all!
Tifa, Basset, Yuffie and Aeris: Hi Cloud!
Cloud: Ulp?
Cid: Right... we're going to the Temple of the Ancients today, right?
Yuffie: That's a boring name...
Aeris: Well, what'd you have had them call it?
Yuffie: I dunno... how about 'Super-Happy-Funland'?
Aeris: Well, the name is descriptve, symbollic and ancient, and, above all else, sacre- ... hmm... wow! I love that name!
Cloud: So... we're going to... Super-Happy-Funland... then?
Aeris: Yep! I'm going, 'cos I'm the only Ancient here... so nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeh!
(*Aeris pokes her tongue out*)
Cloud: Hmm... I'll take... uh...
(*After a rock-paper-scissors contest, it's decided that Vincent would accompany them, so Cloud, Aeris and Vincent leave, go down the ropeway, and out into the big, wide world, hop onto the Bucking Bronco, go down to the Temple, and enter*)
Vincent: Strange... it's always pyramids... i mean, why? Sure, they're strong, but what'd be the point in attacking? And that's a pretty naff moat around the edge there too...
Aeris: Oh, and i suppose you could do better?
Vincent: ... maybe...
Cloud: Okay... so, we enter Super-Happy-Funland from the bridge... hey, look! A guy in a black cape!
(*Cloud runs to the guy*)
Guy In Black Cape: Urk...
(*the guy in the black cape dies*)
Cloud: Oh... that went well...
(*Cloud shrugs*)
Cloud: Well, wasn't that helpful? Oh well... onwards!
(*Cloud enters the building*)
Tsing: Argh! Owie! Ooh! It hurts!
Cloud: What's YOUR problem?
Tsing: You mean ASIDE from the big sword-wound, where Bob ran me through with the Mayonaise Sword?
Cloud: Uh... yeah...
Tsing: Well, the problem, aside from that, is my unreciprocated love for Aeris...
(*Aeris steps out of Cloud*)
Aeris: Someone say my name?
Tsing: Eek! I mean, uh... no...
Aeris: Oh, oki doki then... oh, you seem to be getting blood all over the floor of the temp- uh... i mean all over the floor of Super-Happy-Funland! I'm fairly sure that they never performed human sacrafices...
(*Aeris listens as the knowledge of the Ancients says something to her*)
Aeris: Oops! My bad! They did, that's what the grooves in the place to put the Keystone are REALLY for...
Tsing: Oh... oh damn, i seem to be dead... uh... 'ish'...
Aeris: Oh well... see you later i guess... Cloud, put the damned Keystone in!
Cloud: Well duh, i don't HAVE the bloody Keystone!
Tsing: Oh... fine... Aeris can take it... it's in my pocket...
(*Aeris reaches into Tsing's trouser pocket*)
Aeris: Oh my! Well... i dread to think what i could feel, but it wasn't the Keystone!
Tsing: OOPS! Didn't i mention it's in the inside pocket of my jacket?
(*Aeris reaches in, and takes the Keystone, before setting her jaw, and slapping Tsing*)
Aeris: Pervo! Here Cloud!
(*Cloud put the keystone on the altar, before Aeris, Vincent and himself floated through the floor*)
Vincent: Quicksand? Oh, wait... we're re-surfacing... hmm... would have expected to come through the ceiling...
(*Cloud shrugs*)
Cloud: If that's the only thing that don't make sense today, consider yourself lucky!
Vincent: ...
Aeris: Oh WOW! Super-Happy-Funland's so cool!
Vincent: I wonder... did they hire Escher as an architect?
Cloud: Who's Escher?
(*Vincent rolls his eyes*)
Aeris: Come on! Let's go!
Cloud: Hey, look! A weird looking guy in a dress!
Vincent: ... actually, i think it's a robe...
(*Cloud follows the disembodied Ancient, through the diabolical maze set out before him*)
Cloud: (*huff wheeze*) Woah dude... you're one tough guy to (*huff wheeze*) catch up with...
Aeris: Hi!! I'm Aeris!! Please talk to meeeeeeeeee!!!!
(*The disembodied ancient raises an eyebrow but stays silent*)
Aeris: Aww! Please! Pwetty pwease!
(*Aeris flutters her eyelids*)
Aeris: Well fine then... i guess you can't talk...
(*Cloud and Aeris leave, but the figure nudges Vincent just before he leaves*)
Ancient: Heh, not like i got much to say to her...
(*Vincent shrugs*)
Vincent: I know what you mean... i feel like I'm the only sane one around at times...
(*Vincent follows*)
Aeris: Hey look! Another one! Let's follow him!
(*Cloud follows the purple-robed dude, into the cave with the boulders*)
Cloud: Hey... how'd HE get through so soon?
Aeris: How dya know it's a he?
Vincent: ... shaped like that, wouldn't the boulders get stuck? WHY does no one listen to me when i point out these things?
(*Cloud runs around, trying to get into the cut-out area of the boulers, until he gets level with the pool*)
Aeris: Ooh! Anyone up for a skinny-dip?
Cloud: You know, if it was just me, you, Tifa and Yuffie, i'd have no problems saying yes...
Aeris: Ooh! Pretty! Look! The pool is glowing!
(*Cue the scene in the Black Hysteria room*)
Tsing: Hmm... wow, look at all these pictures... they're no van gough, but i'll take them!
(*Bob floats upwards through the floor*)
Bob: Ho ho ho, no you won't!
Tsing: 'ho ho ho'... who dya think you are? Santa?
Bob: Well... 'ha ha ha' can only take you so far...
Tsing: What about, speaking as one badguy to another, 'Hee hee hee'... it adds a certain insane essence to your persona...
Bob: Hmm... well, i guess i could give it a try... i mean, if i get bored, i could always go for 'Tee hee hee', just to add a little more, or do you think that'd be too much?
Tsing: Nah, i say if it feel's good, do it!
Bob: Oh... alright...
(*Bob pokes his sword through Tsing*)
Tsing: That's the spirit...
Bob: Hey, that felt kinda good! I'm gonna have to do that more often!
Tsing: Dya think you could gimme a lift back up to the altar room, so i can get one last talk with Aeris?
Bob: Hee hee hee... yeah right... i know the plan 'Ooh! It's in my pocket Aeris!' heh heh heh... you sly old dog!
Tsing: Well, i do try...
Bob: Weeerrrllll... seeing as you DID kinda help me sort out the manical laughter thing, and helped a little with the 'psychologically disturbed' persona, how can i refuse? I'll come back for the BLACK HYSTERIA, HINT HINT, later!
(*Bob flies off with Tsing*)
Cloud: Hmm... wasn't that interesting?
(*The scene ends*)
Cloud: Well, let's get going!
(*Bob appears in the pinky-purple pool*)
Bob: Hey! You forgot the Hysteria!
(*Bob points at it*)
Cloud: Wow! Thanks dude!
(*Bob winks and points at Cloud*)
Cloud: Right back at you!
(*Cloud goes and picks up the Hysteria*)

[keated]

(*Cloud goes and picks up the Hysteria*)
(*'Recieved "Woohoo! Free items!" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Hey! Another guy in a dr-
Aeris: Finish that statement, and i'll do to you what i did to that guy in Wutai, when he called me Aerith...
Cloud: Was it his fault that he had a lisp?
Aeris: I just get touchy about some things you know...
Cloud: Fine... in a... um... long... dress-LIKE thing? That better?
Aeris: It'll have to do...
(*Cloud runs up to him, dodging the boulders as before, this time, getting a little over-confident, and doing the Bruce Forsythe 'Generation Game Pose' under one rock.*)
Cloud: Yo dude... can you mysteriously heal us before we go on to the next room?
Ancient: ... wurble wurble...
(*'HP and MP mysteriously topped-up'*)
Cloud: Thanks dude!
(*Cloud carries on to the next room*)
Cloud: Aww man... roman numerals... i HATE roman numerals...
Vincent: So... what game did you think you were in?
Cloud: Final Fantasy vee!
(*Vincent sighs*)
Vincent: [Why me?]
(*A strange looking thing appeared in the middle of the clock*)
Strange Looking Thing: I am the Time-Squirel... tell me when you want to go...
Vincent: Hold up a sec... this thing doesn't REALLY change time, does it.
Time-Squirel: Uh, well...
Vincent: 'Cos if it DID, the plot would be SO much easier to follow, and, in fact, we could go back, and kick Bob's ***...
Time-Squirel: Um...
Vincent: BUT no one is going to remember i said this, are they?
Cloud: Nope.
Aeris: Already forgotten.
Vincent: Why do i even bother? Anyway, this thing keeps lousy time...
Time-Squirel: Oh, just GO already!
(*Cloud proceeds to ransack every room he finds, until he coems to a room with some doors at the top, and many caves*)
Aeris: Oh WOW! Hide and seek time!
Vincent: [Hide and Bo-Peep?]
Aeris: Oh wow! Another Ancient! Cooey!
(*The Ancient rolls its eyes, and runs away*)
Aeris: Come back!
Cloud: Look, we've obviously got to run through the caves, until we, by fluke, 'cos there's no way i can remember the pattern, run into him, and can shake him by the ankles until he gives us the key to that door?
Aeris: Good idea!
Vincent: If we split up, we can cover more ground... what? I'm just SAYING...
(*Cloud follows the Ancient around, until Cloud gives up, sits on the floor, idly eating a banana, waiting for the Ancient to run by, at which point he trips him*)
Cloud: Hand it over.
Ancient: ...
Cloud: Hand over the key to the room!
(*the Ancient shrugs*)
Cloud: You're kidding...?
(*The Ancient shakes its head*)
Cloud: It wasn't locked? Fine... now... how do we get back up?
(*Cloud climbs the rockface, back up to the room, where Aeris and Vincent are waiting, and passing the time by playing a card game*)
Aeris; Do you have... Mr. Bunn, the baker?
Vincent: Nope... look, it's the only game you can play with the pack she brought with her...
Cloud: Well, let's just go... the door's open...
Vincent: Yeah, we know...
Aeris: We were just wondering how long it'd take you to find out...
(*Cloud, Aeris and Vincent enter the room*)
Aeris: Ooh! Look! Pretty pictures like the ones from that... halucination? Is it a halucination?
Vincent: You mean 'was' it... and are you spelling that right?
(*Aeris looks up at her blue speech box*)
Aeris: Um... i think so... any idea Cloud?
Cloud: Isn't it a double 'l' in hallucination?
Aeris: You know, you could be right...
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: That's how you spell it.
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Well... he didnt even say 'Hi...'
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: Sorry... 'Hi!'
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Well... he didn't even wait for a reply...
(*Bob appears, and waits*)
Cloud: Hi!
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Well... he didn't even tell his plan...
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: Well, since you ask... you see that cool picture over there?
Cloud: You mean the early attempt at depicting a nosebleed, opposite the early attempt at hentai?
Bob: No... the one to the left of the nosebleed...
Cloud: Right...
Bob: Well, I'm gonna use it!
Cloud: You're going to use a painting on a wall?
Bob: No... I'm going to use the thing that it's a painting OF...
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Well... he didn't even explain his plan simply...
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: Simple: I'm gonna nab me some Black Hysteria, and use the Meteor.
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Well... he didn't even explain the POINT of his scheme...
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: Oh... all right... well, you know, right, how the planet gathers life energy around a wound? Well, imagine-
Cloud: Imagine there's no heaven-
Bob: Don't start singing while I'm unraveling my sinister plot!
Aeris: Yeah, it's so RUDE Cloud...
Bob: Where was i? Oh yes... ahem... imagine that there was a wound that threatened the very life of the planet! Imagine how much life energy there would be gathered there! Imagine how Baka it would be!
Vincent: I think you're Baka to try it...
Bob: Oh ha ha ha... i mean 'Hee hee hee'... anyway, i'll be there, to get ALL of that energy! I will be a living God!
Cloud: Um... just how do you plan to absorb all that energy?
(*Bob stops, mid-retort*)
Bob: Stop picking holes in my otherwise perfect plans!
Vincent: Anyway, what's the point of being a living God if there's no one left alive to lord it up over?
Bob: Did you hear my last reply? Goin' deaf, grandpa?
(*Bob licks a finger, places it on his side, and makes a hissing noise*)
Bob: Anyway... did i miss anything? Oh yes, and mum and me'll be happy... right, i think that's it...
(*Bob flies away*)
Vincent: Cloud... could you try something for me?
Cloud: What?
(*Vincent whispers in Cloud's ear*)
Cloud: Well... he didn't even give himself up, and stop pursuing his really naff scheme.
(*Bob appears*)
Bob: You know, i think i'll just give mysel- hey! Wait a minute! Don't take advantage of my generous nature!
(*Bob flies off, sulking*)
Cloud: Darn... thought we had him there...
(*Cloud walks back to one of the pictures*)

[Sixteen]

Well What I consider in good Taste is keeping an espect of what it is that you are doing a parody of. So I think that it is going good.

[keated]

ah, right... so, you mean, basically, not going off the rails too much then? Sticking to fairly familiar territory, so you can at least see where it stands... even if it's a little warped... rather than, for example, making Sephy a goodguy just for the hell of it, or getting bored halfway through, and changing it into the matrix...

'you've bin living in a dreamworld cloud. take the red pill to wake up'

'has it got caffine in it then?'

kinda thingy? lol... [sorry... that's just a weird image iv'e had 4 a while...]

but anyway, i prefer 2 keep it more or less on track :)... it's funnier that way too ;)

[zeig zeon]

Originally posted by keated
ah, right... so, you mean, basically, not going off the rails too much then? Sticking to fairly familiar territory, so you can at least see where it stands... even if it's a little warped... rather than, for example, making Sephy a goodguy just for the hell of it, or getting bored halfway through, and changing it into the matrix...


Exactly. You've found that medium where it's not so absurb that it's stupid, yet not so conforming its boring. I am really impressed. The story is great. I can't help but "bust:naughty: " out laughing when I read it... Ok, I'll leave the jokes to you.

[keated]

lol, thanls :D

(*looks at Tifa*)

Tifa: THEY'RE REAL!

[come on... join in... you know you want to ;) lol... im sure ur all DYING to say it really ;)]

[keated]

[you know, it's almost a little depressing that no one replied to that... lol... oh well... maybe i'll try again, at the end ;)... i would ahve replied yesterday, but the view count was at 666, and why waste something like that ;) :P]



(*Cloud walks back to one of the pictures*)
Cloud: Ha ha... Black Hysteria... Ha ha... help Bob... ha ha... summon Meteor... ha ha...
Aeris: Uh... Cloud?
(*Cliud kneels down, into his 'migrane' possition, whith his hands flailing around, and leaving trails. Cloud looks up and notices*)
Cloud: Ooh! Cool!
(*Cloud waves his hands around a few times, because he likes the effect of the trail*)
Bob: Hey! You're not supposed to enjoy it! You're supposed to become deeply... well... sort of deeply... worried by it!
Cloud: Nah, i think i'll pass... woo! look at me go!
(*Cloud stops leaving a trail*)
Cloud: Aww... spoilsport...
(*The ground shakes*)
Cloud: Oh, come on Bob... don't take it like that...
Bob: Hee hee hee... it's not me... hmm... i don't know... how did that sound to you?
Cloud: Huh?
Bob: The 'Hee hee hee'... i mean, i think i'm putting too much emphasis into the first one...
Cloud: Uh, Bob? Sorry, but i kinda have a pressing engagement with a dragon, but, if it helps, i think it sounds fine...
Bob: Well, coming from you, i'll take that as a compliment... see ya... charmed, as always Aeris... still on for a week Saturday?
Aeris: The only way i'll miss it is death him, or her, self... or possibly if there's a bake-sale...
(*Cloud sighs, and kills the dragon*)
(*'Recieved "Bad-Mullet [The Friendly Dragon, With A Cool Hairdo]" Hysteria'*)
Aeris: Well... that was a boring fight... come on... let's go to the exit... you know, the one that was locked before...
Vincent: Forgetting something?
Cloud: No, they're clean; i put them on fresh this morning...
Vincent: Uh... i mean, the Black Hysteria?
Cloud: Why? Not like we're gonna keep it long...
Vincent: Yes, but you should at least make the effort...
Cloud: FINE... where is it?
Vincent: Well, this IS the Black Hysteria room...
Aeris: Ooh! A dolls house, in the shape of Super-Happy-Funland! It's got a name... B.L.A.C.K.H.Y.S.T.E.R.I.A... Black Hysteria!
Cloud: Well done Aeris!
Aeris: Well... it's a bit big... how do you use it?
Cloud: (options) Pick it up/ ask Aeris/ kick it/ shake it (*chose 'shake it'*)
(*Cloud starts dancing*)
Cloud: C'mon! Shake it baby!
Aeris: [Pretend we're not with him...]
(*Cloud stops dancing, and goes back to examine the mini-pyramid*)
Cloud: Hmm... (options) Pick it up/ ask Aeris/ kick it/ shake it [the pyramid] (*chose 'shake it...'*)
(*Super-Happy-Funland shakes*)
Cloud: Woah... cool... i am SO in control here...
Aeris: Really? You don't say? I heard she and Jim at number 32 were getting...? Oh really? REALLY? You don't say...
Cloud: Uh...
Aeris: Hey! I'm gossiping with the knowledge of the ancients...
Cloud: Well, could you get around to the bit where they tell you how this thing works?
Aeris: Don't rush me... they're in the middle of telling me some really juicy information about the milkman where i live... REALLY? I would never have suspected that... huh, oh, Cloud want's to know how the pyramid works... Uh huh... uh huh... right... basically, Cloud, you answer questions, like a puzzle thing, and the pyramid shrinks... but so do you... you get trapped inside... they didn't want anyone leaving with the Hysteria...
Vincent: Why not destroy it?
Aeris: Uh... because... it seemed like a good idea at the time...
Vincent: Ah, the eternal excuse...
Cait Sith: Ahem...
Cloud: [Ignore him... maybe he'll go away]
Casit Sith: Cooey! Cloud, get the phone out!
Cloud: What is it Cait?
Cait Sith: Well, as a Shine-Ra spy, i couldn't help but to eavestrop on your conversation... i have a subtle camera and sound equipment hidden...
(*Cloud looks around, and fails to notice the full film crew standing behind the equipment, or the equipment itself*)
Cait Sith: Well, as I'm sure you don't REALLY wanna die to get the Hysteria, you may as well let me... it's a fake body anyway...
(*Unseen, on the other side of the phone, there is a pause*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Cloud, Aeris, Vincent and everyone else going along [on the other side of the phone], except Tifa: SURE they are!
Cloud: (options) Let the *&*%^$% ^&%^&*% burn!/ lemme think it over.../ sure thing! We love you now Cait sith! (Chose 'sure thing!...')
Cait Sith: Yay! Meet me at the door!
Cloud: Sure thing!
(*Cloud hangs up*)
Cloud: Hmm... to go and meet him there now, or spend 3 hours leveling up in here first? Ah, what the hell... i'll level up first...
(*3 and a half hours later, Cloud goes to the door room, and the wall starts to attack*)

[Sixteen]

Ok that is cool. It is keeping constant with the story of FFVII. And poking fun at Tifa's ..... Enduring quality

Tifa - HEY!!!!

Sorry... (Pssss Not really.)

But seriously good job and keep it up.

*Looks at Tifa*

Tifa - *grumbles* They're REAL!

[keated]

:look: (*looks around at everyone else*)

SURE they are ;)





[anyone else: feel free to join in ;)]

[zeig zeon]

Must... save... thread!!!

(with all his might, zeig zeon pull thread to top of list)


Sorry, but I can't let this hilarious thread die.

[keated]

lol, it won't die... i tend to always keep a surplus reply of at least 1, in case i either get writer's block, don't have time, or just... well, it's kinda hard to write funny when you're depressed -o-; lol...

the moment it goes onto the second page, i post the surplus... [well... not the MOMENT, but as soon as I SEE it... lol...]



heh... kinda depressing really that no one wanted to join in the catchphrase... lol...

[Sixteen]

Sorry that no one wanted to join the catch phrase.

Looks at Shana from Legend of Dragoons. She smiles and then she looks at Tifa.

Tifa - Listen you little Rip off! They ARE REAL!!!!!!!!!


Shana - Sure they are... At least I like myself enough that I don't have to assure everyone that they are

Tifa - Self rightious little b####!

Shana - Sl*t!

Tifa - Freak!

Shana - Fake!

Tifa - THEY'RE REAL!!!!!!!

[keated]

[Heh, i feel better about that now too :) thnx... and if anyone else feels like joining in, i think at the end, possibly try having a free-for-all 'sure they are' or something... lol...]

{anyway, im sure you've been waiting for this... just hope it's still as high quality :)}




(*3 and a half hours later, Cloud goes to the door room, and the wall starts to attack*)
Cloud: Hey... I've seen that happen before...
Aeris: Huh?
Cloud: Hmm... if i kill it, 'cos Santa said there was 1 left, i'll be causing an extinction...
Aeris: Well... what do you suggest?
Vincent: A zoo?
Cloud: Hmm... good idea... but we have to subdue it first... i can't attack, 'cos i'll kill it...
Aeris: What about our new Hysteria?
Cloud: Good idea!
(*Aeris uses the 'Bad-Mullet' hysteria to summon forth Bad-Mullet, the dragon with the dude's Do, with his infamous attack... Mega-Hair*)
Wall-monster-thing: Owie... oh... all right...
Cloud: Yay! One less extinction on my conscience!
(*Cait Sith bursts through the doors*)
Cait Sith: Woah guys, sorry I'm late but... oh LOOK! i COMPLETELY missed out on a boss fight.. what a shame...
Cloud: Nevermind... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Cait Sith: Hey, just for laughs, why don't i give you your fortune again?
Cloud: Uh...
Cait Sith: C'mon! It'll be a laugh!
Cloud: Oh... all right then...
Cait Sith: What do you wanna know?
Aeris: I know! What about how compatible Cloud and me are?
(*Cait Sith does his little dance again, and reads the little piece of paper*)
Cait Sith: Uh oh... bad news for Tifa... silicone prices are gonna rise next month...
Tifa (Unseen): They're R-E-A-L!
Cloud, Caith Sith, Aeris and Vincent: SURE they are...
Cait Sith: I'll try again...
(*Cait Sith does his little dance again, and reads the little piece of paper*)
Cait Sith: Hmm...
(*Aeris moves so she can see over Cait SIth's shoulder*)
Aeris: What's it say?
Cait Sith: Uh... it says good new- OW! Um... it says, well... it's bad news for Tifa, 'cos you and Aeris are a- OWCH! -you're a perfect match...
Aeris: Wow! Really?
Cait Sith: Um... [if i say 'yes', will you stop poking me?]
Aeris: [of course]
Cait Sith: Yes! It does!
Cloud: Oh... that's interesting...
Aeris: What, that's all you're gonna say?
Cloud: Um... yup. Look, you're lucky you didn't get a '...'
Cait Sith: Well... I'm off... to sacrafice this body, so you can get the Black Hysteria... [a little gratitude would'nt go amiss... thereagain, i guess i DID kinda give something vital over to the enemy... not that said enemy GAINED at all from it... hey, why didn't THEY enter Super-Happy-Funland by the backdoor, like i did?]
(*Cait Sith bounces away*)
Vincent: Well... we should probably go, before we all get crushed...
Aeris: You're probably right...
Cloud: Aww... but it might be fun!
Vincent: Uh...
Cloud: Well? You never know until you try!
Vincent: ... look, we should just go, okay?
Cloud: Aww... okay...
(*Cloud, Vincent and Aeris leave, before The Tem- uh... Super-Happy-Funland gets smaller and smaller, becoming the sort of size that you can pick up, and put in your pocket, in the same way as a pocket guidebook, which are always too big for any pocket except in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL clothing...*)
Cloud: So... should we go down and nab it?
Aeris: I guess so... otherwise what's the point?
Cait Sith: HI GUYS!
Cloud: Woah!
(*Cloud falls down the pit left by Super-Happy-Funland in surprise at seeing Cait Sith*)
Cait Sith: Oops... sorry... this is the Cait Sith MkII... it comes with grenade-launcher, super-ninja-chopping-arm action, and light up eyes!
Aeris: Uh...
(*Little chocobos dance around Cloud's head in the pit, as he is concussed*)
Cait Sith: What?
Aeris: ... is it supposed to smoke like that?
Cait Sith: Oh no! My jet-pack is on fire!
(*Cait Sith runs around in circles, and eventually melts*)
Cait Sith: HI GUYS!
Vincent: Woah!
(*Vincent falls down the pit left by Super-Happy-Funland in surprise at seeing Cait Sith*)
Cait Sith: Oops... sorry... this is the Cait Sith MkIII... it comes with grenade-launcher, super-ninja-chopping-arm action, light up eyes, a hair-drier, long-range missile capabilities, surface-air missiles, Flak-gun, patriot missiles, and pull string with military-style comments!
Aeris: Uh...
(*Little chocobos dance around Vincent's head in the pit, as he is concussed, along with Cloud, who is now conscious enough to mumble*)
Cait Sith: What?
Aeris: Are you supposed to be smoking like that?
Cait Sith: Oh no! My built-in-barbeque!
(*Cait Sith runs around in circles, and eventually melts*)
Cait Sith: HI GUYS!
Aeris: it's just me up here now...
Cait Sith: Hey, why didn't you fall in?
Aeris: Simple, I've got earplugs in, so it's not as loud or as shocking.
Cait Sith: Earplugs?
Aeris: Well... more like earphones... i got bored during Bob and Cloud's last dialogue, and used the pair i went out and bought while Cloud was busy telling his story in Panik... he never noticed...
Cait Sith: Oh... okay then...
Aeris: So, what's this one come with?
Cait Sith: Well... this is more like the Cait Sith 0.5... it's more of a downgrade...
Aeris: Ah, thus explaining the bright pink colour...
Cait Sith: Well, this one was funded partly by Don Corney, and his only condition was that it was pink...
Aeris: I didn't think you could get a pink that bright... it's brighter than neon pink...
Cait Sith: Yeah, but what can you do?
Cloud and Vincent: Ooh... look... there's a yellow one... and a green one... and a blue one...
Aeris: Oh well... I'd better go and carry on the plot...
Cait Sith: Yeah, well, i only stopped by to 'accidently' concuss you, and steal the Black Hysteria...
(*Cait Sith hops away, and Aeris climbs down*)
Vincent and Cloud: And a black one and a GOLD one!
(*Aeris looks at the 'gold' chocobo orbiting both Cloud's and Vincent's head.*)
Aeris: Snap out of it! It's SO more of an orange-yellow colour!
(*Cloud and Vincent continue to be concussed, staring into space*)
(*Aeris sighs*)
Aeris: Desperate times call for desperate measures... Tifa, will you come here for a minute?
(*Tifa appears at the top*)
Tifa: What do YOU want?
Aeris: Hey look! Tifa's leaning over the edge... she looks like she might fall, but i think she's FAKING it...
(*Vincent and Cloud look up*)
Tifa: They're REAL!
Vincent, Cloud and Aeris: SURE they are...
Aeris: Thought that'd work... come on, let's pick up the Black Hysteria and get on our way...
Cloud: Woah... imagine what a short plot this must be, as once we have the Black Hysteria, Bob can not carry out his dia... dia... (line! Oh... right...) his really nasty plan.
Vincent: Ha. Ha. Ha. Indeed. That is so.
Aeris: Ha. Ha. Ha. (This is not a fake laugh. At all.)
Cloud: Ha. Ha. Ha.
(*Cloud picks up the Black Hysteria*)
Cloud: Ooh... migrane...
(*Cloud goes into his migrane position, and, while everything else stops, Bob appears, as does the younger version of Cloud. Cloud starts walking to Bob*)

[Sixteen]

The newest chapter of the story is good. And I did enjoy it. I hope to see it up again sometime soon.

Looks at Tifa

Tifa - D@mn it! They're REAL!!!

Me, Shana (Legend of Dragoons), Titus (FFX), Dart (Legend of Dragoons) - Sure they are....

[keated]

yay, im glad that people are still enjoying it :D

[and it's nice to see someone actually bothering to get in with the jokes... lol :D]

[S.AsukaLangley]

Too funny!:lol:
I especially loved "Bad-Mullet" and "Mega-Hair.";)

[keated]

:D

im just glad that people are enjoying it :D

[i think that's one of the best feelings in the world... :D]

thankyou all for reading it :D [and no, that doesn't mean it's the end, i just want to say that now :)... and i'll probably say it at the end too... heh, maybe i should see if Square are interested in it? lol...]

[zeig zeon]

Yeah! Forget FF7-2. This would be a great breakout game for the PSP! Or better yet, a game for the computer. Now all we have to do it find someone with the capabilities of accomplishing such a task or convincing Square to do so. Oh well, it's nice to dream.

[keated]

well, i think, judging by the responses it'd make money, and all they'd have to do is just re-work ff7 a little...

wow, i think they'd do it... afterall... (*rubs fingers*) money money money ;) [it'd be cheaper than bringing out a new game ;)... hmm... what'd they have on the front? I mean, what picture... lol...]

oh well, i was thinking more of a book than as a new game, but hey, that'd be cool too ;)

or whaddabout a film? :lol:... hmm... mebbe try to get lesly nielson as Cid? [c'mon... i just think he's funny... that's all... :D]

[zeig zeon]

Originally posted by keated
or whaddabout a film? :lol:... hmm... mebbe try to get lesly nielson as Cid? [c'mon... i just think he's funny... that's all... :D]

Yeah, and what about Mr. T as Barret.
Mr. T-"I pity the foo who thinks they're real!"
Tifa-"They're real!"

Lesly Neilson, Mr. T, and the whole A-team- "Sure they are!"

Sorry, the A-team was to only Mr. T reference I could think of.

[keated]

heh, i would say something, but i'll give away a later joke... lol...

but i think someone camper than Mr.T would probably be better... could you immagine Mr.T in the disguise from the ship?:dead: lol...

[as tifa, you could have someone flat chested, s that in every scene, they can change size ;) (and i daresay you can work out what 'they' are, when reffering 2 tifa ;)]... mebbe size AND shape? lol...

c'mon, it'd be fun... i reckon by the end, you could have the whole audience shouting 'sure they are' ;) [mebbe make it into a pantomime? lol... that'd just be disturbing ;)]

mebbe have some of the 'deleted scenes' in the end credits? lol... some of them are damned funny... [like the alternative Vincent Vs Rapper... i love that one ;)]





(*Cloud goes into his migrane position, and, while everything else stops, Bob appears, as does the younger version of Cloud. Cloud starts walking to Bob*)
Young Cloud: C'mon! Snap outta it!
Cloud: ...
Young Cloud: Hmm...
(*Young Cloud kicks Cloud's shin*)
Cloud: Ow!
(*Cloud starts hopping towards Bob*)
Cloud: Must... give... Black... Hysteria... To... Bob...
Young Cloud: Hmm...
(*Young Cloud kicks Cloud's other shin*)
Cloud: Owie...
(*Cloud starts crawling towards Bob*)
Young Cloud: Horsie!
(*Young Cloud jumps on Cloud's shoulders, and starts kicking him in the ribs as he bounces up and down*)
Young Cloud: Horsie! Horsie! Giddyup horsie!
Cloud: Oof... must... give... Black... ah, the heck with it... Hey, Bob, catch!
(*Cloud throws Bob the Black Hysteria*)
Bob: Much obliged. Well, I'm off to summon meteor... see you in a while...
(*Bob flies off. Cloud collapses, and Young Cloud disappears, before everyone else starts moving*)
Aeris: Cloud... you didn't, did you?
Cloud: Uh... maybe...
Aeris: You perv! You looked up my dress while i couldn't move?!?!
Cloud: Uh... that too...
Vincent: Too? What else did you do?
Cloud: Oh, um... look at the time... we should get going...
Vincent: Cloud?
Cloud: (*mumble mumble*)
Vincent: Huh?
Cloud: I, uh... I kinda... (*cough*) i kinda gave Bob the Black Hysteria...
(*Aeris, who had been getting ready to do this since cloud mentioned the dress, slaps Cloud so hard he passes out*)
Aeris: (Wow... that was quite satisfying... hmm... maybe i should ditch the 'nice, innocent(ish) girl' look, and become a sado-masochist?)
(*The scene shifts to the Too-Early-On-Monday-Morning Forest, where Aeris, is jumping through the trees, in tight, black leather clothing*)
Aeris: Woo! Look at me go! Look at me go! This is fun... hmm... okay, i just wanna do one more thing, then I'll get on with it... 'That's one small step for man... (chchk) one... giant leap for... mankind...' right... ahem... Hi Cloud! I'm on my way to the City og the Ancients, 'cos i think i can stop Bob there... don't ask how, okay? That's for me to know, and you to find out later. Well, see you...
(*Aeris leaps away, and Bob appears*)
Bob: Hee hee hee... hmm... perhaps a little more alto on the second one, to make it stand out more? Here i come Aeris! Ready or not! (Woah... she looks HOT in that leather...)
Aeris (unseen): (Yeah, it's kinda sweaty...)
(*Bob jumps away*)
(*Cloud awakes in the inn at Gone-Ga-Ga*)
Innkeeper: Oh damn.. he's awake, and we never finished the evil ritua- i mean... making the tea for his breakfast..
Cloud: I'm... lying in a pentagram...?
Innkeeper: Well, everyone round here does that... it helps us sleep...
Cloud: Oh... right... well, I'm not suspicious in the least...
Basset, Tifa, Redex, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid and Cait Sith: We've noticed.
Cloud: Hey guys... what're you all doing here?
Tifa: Uh... don't know quite how to sugarcoat this response...
Cid: We don't trust ya.
Redex: That's the Simple way to put it. And, let's face it, he is too.
Cloud: Huh?
Cid: Stupid *%&$
Basset: Damn right... hey Cid, feel like a swearing match some time? We could turn it into a mini game, like squats...
Cid: *&%$ off! That's the %&*$%£* stupidist I've heard from the lot of you &%*$%£*, and I've heard a LOTTA *&$%*%& &*$% from you bunch of %&*$%£ $%&*£$%!
Basset: That's the spirit!
Cloud: So... just because on several occasions I've wacked out, and gone a little strange-
Tifa: "-er". Strange-ER
Cloud: Fine... stranger than usual... you don't trust me?
Redex: You mean just because you handed over a vital key item to our enemy?
Cloud: Yeah... I mean, it's not SO bad... We forgve Cait Sith and the Yuffster
Yuffie: Hey, don't call me that...
Cloud: What're you going to do about it?
Yuffie: Well... I'll steal your hysteria at a REALLY vital time, then you'll see... nyuk nyuk nyuk...
Cloud: Oh... right... can you wait 'till AFTER we've killed Bob though? I mean, that way, we won't be bothered enough to stop you selling it...
Yuffie: Great idea!
Tifa: Well, where are we going? Two of us should go with you, to make sure you don't try it again...
Cloud: Sure... anyway, we're going after Aeris...
Tifa: (aww...)
Basset: Hmm, okay then, she ran off somewhere...
Tifa (innocently): And we don't even know where she went...
Cloud: Don't worry; I do!
Tifa: (Doh!)
Cloud: I saw her in a dream... she was wearing tight leather... and Bob was there too...
Tifa: Uh... Cloud... what kind of dream WAS that?
Redex: You know, I'm not sure if i WANT to know...
Vincent: I hear that...
Cloud: She said she was going to the City og the Ancients.
Tifa: "Og the Ancients"?
Cloud: Hey, i know... but the 'g' key is next to the 'f' key, perhaps they made a mistake when typing?
Yuffie: Sounds like fun, if there's any Hysteria to steal... I mean borrow. Obviously... WHAT?
Cloud: well, I'll take Yuffie and... Hmm... Redex, feel like going walkies?
Redex: Growl growl...
Cloud: That sounded a little forced...
Redex: Sorry... i have a sore throat...
Cloud: Well fine... I'll take Tifa and Yuffie...
Basset: Yuffie AND Tifa AND Aeris AND you?
Vincent: I rather think not!
Cloud: Well fine... Vince, feel like coming?
Vincent: ...
Cloud: Hey, I'm just trying to build some team spirit with some friendly nicknames...
Cid: How about you just cram it up your spiky haired ***?
Cloud: It's a bit long for a nickname...
Basset: Awite! People, move out!
Cloud: Uh... just one thing... anyone know where the City og the Ancients IS?
Cait Sith: My Shine-Ra connections tell me that it's South. Definatelty south. We can't get there, might as well give up, we've had a good run...
Cloud: Oh, well, okay th-
Redex: Actually, i think Gramps mentioned something about it being north, behind the Too-Early-On-Monday-Morning Forest...
Yuffie: Too early on monday morning?
Redex: Yeah, anyone who tries to pass it feels like it's Too Early On Monday Morning, and slinks back off to bed, not bothering to go any further into the forest... it's nearly impenetrable...
Cloud: Sounds like fun, let's go!
(*Cloud, Tifa and Vincent get on the Bucking Bronco, and head north*)
Cloud: Hey, look, a town!
Tifa: What's it called?
Cloud: Well, based on our experience in Rocket town, all those big bones leads me to beleive it to be called... Bratwurst City.
Tifa: Bratwurst?
Cloud: Yeah... i think it's a kind of sausage, made from children... annoying ones...
Tifa: The worst ones?
Cloud: Don't be silly! Wurst means sausage!
Tifa: Well fine...
(*Cloud, Tifa and Vincent enter Bratwust City.*)

[keated]

wow, the next post will conclude Disc 1! [by which i mean the post AFTER this one -o-; lol]

i guess i should carry it on with this thread, or else it'll just end up dissappearing, into the dark and murky depths of the FF forum ;)

i now have a new favourite deleted scene :-D [althought the vincent vs rapper is still damned funny... lol...]

now... do i post the 'deleted scenes' from disc 1 at the end of disc 1, or leave them ALL... [there are a LOT! lol, like all of the three alternative date scenes ;)... AND more... lol...]

oh well... [and in one deleted scene i came up with an idea for another FF franchise... heh, may just have heard it from someone else, but nevermind... still funny... lol...

[how many people ARE reading this? i jsut wanna try to get a number... it'd be nice if you at least PM me so i know, dont worry, if u PM me, i wont give out names :P lol, not unless you want me to, but ehy, if you wanna let people know you're reading, post here ;)... (what's to be embarressed about? lol)]






(*Cloud, Tifa and Vincent enter Bratwust City.*)
Guy-In-Doorway: Hey, welcome to Bone Village!
Cloud: What a stupid name. we're changing it to Bratwust City!
Guy-In-Doorway: Uh... but...
(*Cloud draws his sword... after borrowing some chalk*)
Guy-In-Doorway: Okay, okay, fine... call it whatever the hell you want...
Cloud: We're going to the City of the Ancients.
Guy-In-Doorway: Never heard of it.
Cloud: What?
Guy-In-Doorway: Ne-ver... he-ard... of... it
Cloud: Oh... Well, we heard it was kinda past the Too-Early-On-Monday-Morning Forest...
Guy-In-Doorway: OH! You mean the City OG the Ancients!?
Cloud: That's NOT a typo?
Guy-In-Doorway: Nope.
Cloud: Oh... well... we kinda need to get through...
Guy-In-Doorway: Weeeeeeeerrrrllll... we COULD let you through... buuuuuuuuuut-
Tifa: Just get to the point!
Guy-In-Doorway: Fine... it's really boring hear you know... the only fun we have is basically annoying any outsider who comes here... anyway, we could let you through, but you wouldn't get past the Too-Early-On-Monday-Morning Forest...
Cloud: No problem... i got a sword, we'll cut down all the trees...
Vincent: I don't think that'll work...
Guy-In-Doorway: Damn strait... you need to get the "Highly-Cafinated-Coffee" key item, burried somewhere in this village...
Cloud: Uh... is it under a BIG X?
Guy-In-Doorway: No... we don't want it being TOO easy...
Cloud: Awwwwww...
Guy-In-Doorway: Sorry... nothing i can do...
Cloud: Fine... how much does it cost?
Guy-In-Doorway: Well, NORMALLY it'd be 200 Gil... but since this camp is made up of VERY lonely guys
Only-Female-Excavator: Hey!
Guy-In-Doorway: Oh, and one lonely woman, we'll waiv the cost, as long as Tifa does the actual excavation... with the pneumatic drill...
Cloud: Sure.
Tifa: Hey!
Cloud: Don't worry... Vincent and I will watch you to make sure you don't get it wrong, right Vincent?
Vincent: Uh... i... don't know much about pneumatic drills...
Tifa: ... fine...
Cloud: So... what do we do? Plant bombs around?
Tifa: What is it with you and bombs? Ever since that last reactor...
Cloud: It's all i have to remember Jessie by...
Guy-In-Doorway: Nah, we've got a metal detector...
Cloud: Cool.
Guy-In-Doorway: Oh, and it'll go in the chest by the way into the village...
(*Everyone turns to look at the biggest chest nearest the entrance*)
Tifa: What? Why're you looking at-... HEY! They're REAL!
Everyone else: SURE they are Tifa, sure they are...
(*Cloud gets handed a metal detector, and finds the spot with the "Highly-Cafinated-Coffee", and the 'night-night' music plays*)
Cloud: Yay! We found it!
(*'Recieved "Highly-Cafinated-Coffee" Key Item'*)
Cloud: Come on guys! Into the forrest!
(*They enter the forrest*)
Tifa: Aww... I'm tired... that pneumatic drill takes a lot more effort than you'd think... ooh... I've got a backache... and a headache from the noise...
Cloud: Yeah... it feels like it's... too early (*yawn*) on monday (*yawn*) morning...
Vincent: ZzZzZz...
Cloud: Oh... no... we (*yawn*) never used the (*yawn*) item...
(*Cloud draws the coffee out, and makes himself a mug, before hitting Tifa and Vincent with the mug to wake them up*)
Vincent: OW! Hey!
Tifa (*rubbing back of head*): Gee Cloud, you COULD have just given us a sip, but OOOHHH no...
(*Cloud does his trade-marked shrug*)
Vincent: Well, let's get out of here, before we can't be bothered to go on again...
Tifa: Ooh! Shiney!
(*'Recieved "Make Your Damned Mind Up What Element You Are!" Hysteria*)
Cloud: Right... let's go...
(*They leave the Too-Early-On-Monday-Morning Forest*)
Vincent: THAT was it? That was hardly an overgrown garden...
Cloud: Yeah, but hey, whatcha gonna do...
(*Cloud shrugs*)
Tifa: Hey, if we just follow this road, i'll bet we get to the City og the Ancients...
Cloud: Hey... look... they're all yellow...
Vincent: Some of it came off on my shoe... it's... wet?
Cloud: well, the only two people who've been through here for a while must have been Aeris, Bob, and the gardener who stops this route from getting overgrown...
Vincent: Gardener?
Cloud: C'mon! He HAS to exist, to explain the fact that the ground around hre isn't overgrown with weeds and the suchlike...
Vincent: I must say Cloud, for you, that's incredibly logical thinking...
Cloud: Well, THAT, and the fact that he left his trowel here... Hey, betcha i could use it as a weapon!
Tifa: Uh... Cloud?
Cloud: What? It's not much worse than the nailbat... and it's a bloody big trowel...
(*Cloud holds up the sword-sized trowel*)
Tifa: Fine... whatever...
(*Cloud continues on further, before getting to the City og the Ancients*)
Cloud: We're here!
Tifa: Well, that was easy... Ha! Look at those really cruddy houses! What'd they do, steal a shell from a big snail?
Cloud: You seem in a bad mood...
Tifa: I just don't see why we have to follow Aeris... i mean, i know a nice place we can go, catch a Cut-Scene, and just wait for oblivion...
Cloud: Hmm... tempting, but, i think i'd rather carry on... besides, you haven't read the walkthrough for the City og the Ancients, have you?
Tifa: Uh... no... out of protest...
Cloud: Vincent, you got a spare one?
Vincent: Why's it always me? Curse my being responsible...
(*Vincent hands Tifa a walkthrough, which she reads, before a big grin appears on her face, after which she jumps in the air, clicking her heels*)
Tifa: Right, no time to explore, let's just go straight to the inn!
(*Tifa starts pushing Cloud and Vincent towards the house*)
Tifa: Hurry UP!
(*Tifa pushes them in, and forces them to climb up to the beds*)
Cloud: Hmm, maybe we should rest here for a whi-
Tifa: Damn right!
(*Tifa KO's Cloud and Vincent, before diving onto a bed, and pretending to be asleep for long enough for the 'night night' music to play. Cloud and Vincent awaken, with a major headache*)
Tifa: What took you? Hey, i hear Aeris, let's GO GO GO! Up and at 'em!
(*Tifa drags Cloud and Vincent up the central path, through the forrest, and towards the shell-house there*)
Cloud: Hey, we CAN walk you know...
Tifa: Okay, fine, but let's just GO! Hurry up about it!
(*Tifa runs inside, and a few seconds later there is a shout*)
Tifa: Ooh! Shiney!
(*'Recieved "Hey, Wouldn't This Hurt The Planet Too?" Hysteria'*)
(*Cloud and Vincent follow in, while Tifa is halfway down the stairs.*)
Vincent: She seems quite keen...
Cloud: Maybe... hey, a handrail...
(*Cloud gets on, and slides down*)

[S.AsukaLangley]

I'm reading! And thoroughly enjoying!

[keated]

yay! :D

[perhaps i should keep a count of how many are reading it, or, at least, admit it ;) in the first post? lol...]

[zeig zeon]

Once again, I call upon my great post saving powers and pull this post up from the depths.

Oh well, before I get called for spamming, how about a joke?

Me-"Why did the silicon cross the road?"
You-"I don't know."
Me-"Because it was-
Tifa-"They're real!!!!"

Me, you, Cloud, Mr. T, and everyone else-"Sure they are!"

Back to you Keated.

[keated]

heh, sorry... was away for a few days -o-;

anyway, without further ado, here is the remaining post of Disc 1 [yes, it's a meaningless milestone, but hey, halfway in playing time is somewhere around here ;) (unless you REALLY level up a lot at the end... lol)]



(*Cloud gets on, and slides down*)
Cloud: Wheeee!
(*Vincent sighs, and follows slowly, trying to appear not to be with them*)
Cloud: What took you so long?
Vincent: I'm just not at my best in the mornings...
Cloud: Anyway, let's get this show on the road... ahem... You two wait here, i'll go and check on Aeris by myself, for absolutely no reason...
Vincent: -
Tifa: Sure... GO!
(*Cloud nearly falls backwards with the force of the shout, before playing hopscotch on the stepping stones. He then draws his sword, and, after warming up a little, afterall, we wouldn't want Cloud to sprain a mussle, gets ready to hack Aeris' head off*)
Tifa: Go Cloud, go!
(*Tifa starts cheerleading, with a pair of pom-poms*)
Vincent: Hey Tifa, where'd you get those pom-poms from?
(*Everyone looks at Tifa*)
Tifa: Aww come ON... it's not even a good innuendo... well, in any case... THEY'RE REAL!
Cloud, Vincent, Aeris and Bob [from above]: SURE they are...
(*Tifa slaps Vincent*)
Vincent(Ow... hey... Cloud never gets that...)
(*Aeris looks up, and the cutscene starts, Bob comes jumping down from the roof, and stops halfway down*)
Bob: Hey, Aeris, could you get changed back into that black leather? DAMN that was hot!
Aeris: Sure thing!
(*Aeris runs up the stairs*)
Bob: So, Cloud... how's everything going?
Cloud: Oh, fine, fine... yourself?
Bob: Oh, yeah, fine... just about to start on my masterplan you know... got the Hysteria, thanks again Cloud-
Cloud: You never said it in the first place...
Bob: Are you sure? I'm sure i did! I meant to anyway...
(*An awkward silence descends for a couple of minutes*)
Bob: What's TAKING so long?
Vincent: Women, huh?
(*Tifa elbows Vincent viciously*)
Aeris: Ooh... it's a bit tight...
(*Vincent sprints to the steps*)
Vincent: Need a hand?
Aeris: No, it's okay, i got it now...
(*Aeris comes back down in her leather gear, and gets back into her praying position*)
Cloud: Seems kinda funny, you know, praying in that stuff...
Bob: Yeah... hey Aeris, still on for Saturday?
Aeris: Sure!
(*The cutscene continues, and Bob pokes his sword through Aeris, and the 'Holey Moley' Hysteria goes bouncing down the steps, strangely in tune with the music*)
Aeris: HA! I've had worse!
Bob: You're a liar!
Aeris: Oh well... just felt like a good thing to say...
(*Aeris slumps*)
Cloud: Aeris! Nooooo!
Tifa: Wooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo! Oops... did i just say that outloud?
Vincent: Yes.
Bob: And now Aeris will return to the lifestream and... yadda yadda yadda... don't matter WHAT I'm gonna say, cos Cloud is gonna keep talking over me...
Cloud: Damn right! You bastard, you killed Aeris!
Bob: Oh well... I'm off...
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Hey, Tifa, toss us a pheonix down...
Tifa: UH, sorry, but, um, they all mysteriously disappeared...
Cloud: Oh... Basset, Redex and Yuffie found a new way to get high then?
Vincent: Maybe...
Tifa (*singing*): (She's dead... she's dead! she's dead! she's dead!... she's dead... she's DE-EAD...)
(*Bob reappears*)
Bob: Hah, forget my own head if it was loose... here, have a Bendover fight!
(*Bob flies away*)
Cloud: Again?
(*A fight ensues against Bendover-get-a-life*)
Tifa: Cloud, i know you've been itching to kick something's ***... just kill it, so we can dump Aeris' body in the- I mean... give her a decent send off...
Cloud: Fine...
(*Cloud kills Bendover-get-a-life*)
Cloud: You know, that was almost depressing...
Vincent: Are you sure you're not just depressed about Aeris being killed?
Tifa: (NO! Woohoo! Break out the champaign!!! Cloud's MINE!)
Vincent: (You mean aside from the rest of the female population of this planet?)
Cloud: No... i mean, don't get me wrong, yeah, that's kidna sad too, mainly annoying really... but it feels so... pointless y'know? When you can kill the badguys so easily...
Tifa: Well, anyway, let's burn the bitc- i mean... give Aeris a decent send-off
(*Aeris comes back to life in Cloud's arms*)
Aeris: You're supposed to dump me in the water, idiot! Did i ever MENTION a cremation, huh?
(*Aeris dies again*)
Tifa: Well... I'd feel better...
(*Cloud caries Aeris into the water, after putting on his water wings so he could float in the deeper water, before dropping Aeris, with a splash*)
(*Aeris comes back to life, underwater*)
Aeris (*underwater*): Cloud, you did that all wrong! Let's try this again... you pick me up, and LOWER me into the water, before letting go, so i can float to the bottom...
Tifa: Hey, howabout we tie a rock round her legs?
(*Cloud goes in after Aeris, picks her back out of the water, before lowering her in.*)
Aeris (*underwater*): That's better...
(*Aeris dies*)
Cloud: Darn, i feel angry now... grr... darn you Bob!
(*Cloud wades out of the water, beforerunning right up the the screen, and banging on the glass from the inside*)
Cloud: OY! OY you! Yes you! Get a gameshark, and find someone who knows the Aeris code! Goddit?
(*Tifa shakes her head behind Cloud*)
Tifa: Cloud, I know you're upset right now, but don't worry about it... we'll get by... afterall, not like she was the party healer, and she gave back all the Hysteria she was borrowing, so no problems...
Cloud: I know, but what really annoys me is that, because she was so wussy in the Tem- in Super-Happy-Funland, i gave her all the 'Source's we had!
Tifa: Cloud, you idiot...
Cloud: Oh well... so... what now?
Vincent: I think we just wait for the 'Night-night' music, and for the lazy sod to change the disc...
Savegame: Yes/no? (chose no)
Savegame: Idiot...

[keated]

well, it's got to the bottom of the page, so i'd better post, before zeig zeon thinks i've abandoned it, and pulls it to the top to remind me it's there ;) lol...

disc 2 next :) [don't worry zeig, you can rest your miraculour thread-healing powers this time :)]


Disc 2


Cloud: Hey guys... well, I can't be bothered to stay here...
Tifa: [Cloud you wuss, why the hell didn't YOU decapitate her?]
Cloud: Hey, i know, since i seem at times to have no control over what i do, why don't I go on my OWN... sounds like a cool plan to me!
Vincent: No way... we're ALL coming with you...
Tifa: [if only to stop you doing something stupid...]
Cloud: well, that's settled then... hey, as we haven't had a rest since the last Bendover incident, why don't we have a snooze here?
Tifa: Fine...
(*Night night music plays. While it's still dark...*)
Tifa: CLOUD!!!
Cloud: Uh...would you believe me if i told you i wasn't in control again?
(*Sound of someone being slapped very hard, before morning comes*)
Cloud: well everyone... time to wake up...
(*Cloud turns towards the ladder, showing what looks suspiciously like a red handprint on his face*)
Cloud: Let's go outside
Vincent: [Go outside]
Tifa: In the sunshine...
Cloud: Ahem... well- ooh - migrane!
(*Cloud sees Bob walking off in one direction. Bob looks down, notices he's still wearing his fluffy-bunny slippers, and legs it*)
Cloud: He went thatta way!
(*Cloud points to the path out*)
Tifa: Much as i hate to ask you Cloud, but... how do you know...?
(*Cloud runs over and picks up the discarded fluffy-bunny slippers*)
Cloud: Um... good guess?
Tifa: Good enough for me...
(*Cloud goes up the path*)
Tifa: Hey look! One of those cruddy mollusc-things is broken!
Cloud: Let's climb up!
(*Cloud climbs up, and enters the cave*)
Vincent: Uh... that wall looks kind of... cracked... i don't think you should try climbing it...
Cloud: Oh, don't be such a wuss...
(*Cloud climbs up*)
Cloud: Hmm... which way, which way...
Tifa: Oh, who cares, just go round, nab all the stuff not nailed down, then get out at the top...
Cloud: Same ol', huh?
Vincent: What bugs me is why people just LEAVE this stuff lying around...
(*Cloud shrugs, whilst climbing, before going round, and nabbing everything not nailed down, before reaching the crack thet goes all the way down, and going down*)
Tifa: Ooh! Shiney!
(*'Recieved "My Magic Works Better now, So Nyeh-Nyeh" Hysteria*)
Tifa: Great... now we have that, who cares that Aeris is dead? We can turn someone ELSE into a better magic user!
Cloud: Nyeh, if you say so...
(*Cloud shrugs, before climbing back out, and entering the outer cave*)
Cloud: You know, I can't help but feel that this was just... well, a little boring really...
Vincent: Huh? Aeris is dead, we've just had a boss fight, and it's the beginning of a new disc... what more do you want?
Cloud: A little more action wouldn't go amiss...
(*Cloud leaves the cave*)
Cloud: Phew! Fresh air! I'm big, I'm bad, and it's a new disc... I love my life...
Tifa: Aww... aren't the bunnies cute?
(*Cloud runs over to Icicle Inn*)
Cloud: I love the snow...
Tifa: It's kinda cold here...
Cloud: Yeah, we can tell...
(*Tifa takes a second to work this out*)
Tifa: Isn't that proof that they're real?
Cloud: Dunno, but how much difference do you think THAT'LL make?
Tifa: They ARE real!
Cloud, Vincent, and all the passing locals: SURE they are...
Passing Local: Hey, i heard there was some scientist living with a strange woman in that house over there, with the satellite dish and stuff, until the Shine-Ra took her away... hint hint!
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the lease... Let's go have a gander!
Vincent: Gander?
Cloud: Can i help it if i feel like a change in words? There's only so many times you can use the phrase 'look-see'.
Vincent: Oh, all right then. Sure.
(*Cloud goes into the house*)
Cloud: Oh COOL! Home-Movies!
(*Cloud puts the TV on, and inserts a tape.*)
Cloud: Hmm... no picture...
Ifalna: That's it... oh yeah! More! More! Harder! Faster! Oooh YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!
Tifa: UH... Cloud... i think we should stop the tape right NOW...
Cloud: Huh? Aww... c'mon, we might get some pictures later...
Tifa: Cloud...
Cloud: Aww... all right...
(*Cloud turns off the video*)
Cloud: Hey, look, there's a note:
'Oy, you $%£&*%$*! We know you'll come to take Aeris and Ifalna, and probably my other tapes of research and stuff, but you pervos are NOT taking this one!!!'
Tifa: So... Ifalna is Aeris' mother then?
Cloud: ... EW! Ew ew ew ew EW! Man, am i glad there was no picture...
Tifa: Let's just see if there's anything not nailed down and get out of here...
(*Cloud goes downstairs*)
Squatter: Oy! Oim squattin' 'ere, so gerrout!
Cloud: Squatting?
Vincent: He's claimed squatter's rights... he's staying in this house, because it beats being out in the cold, or paying for somewhere to stay, and this palce is empty.
Squatter: Damn right. Here, take this, and go...
(*'Recieved "Turbo Ether"'*)
Cloud: I'm surprised he hasn't drunk it...
Squatter: Oy, i resent that...
(*Cloud leaves*)
Cloud: Hey, a person guarding somewhere.. let's go ahve a chat...
Person Guarding Snowboardhill: Don't go past, you'll slip!
Cloud: Ah, no I won't...
Person: Will, 'cos i'll push ya... you need a snowboard and a map before i'll even THINK about letting you past... and you should get a helmet and pads too really...
Cloud: Fine...
(*Cloud runs around, and steals said items*)
Cloud: What now?
Ferrari: Cloud!
Cloud: Ferrari!
(*Cue dodgy romantic music, as they slow motion run towards each other. Ferrari slaps Cloud as soon as he's in range*)
Ferrari: You killed Tsing, you heartless &*%$£*&!
Cloud: Didn't.
Ferrari: Did.
Cloud: Didn't.
Ferrari: Did.
Cloud: Didn't, Didn't, Didn't.
Ferrari: Did, Did, Did!
Cloud: Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidn't...
Ferrari: Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid
Vincent: Did.
Ferrari: Didn't. Oh damn! That's it Cloud, I'm gonna hit you now!
(*Elena swings, but takes out her own feet on the unstable snow, and rolls off intot he distance*)

[Sixteen]

Heh heh... That's really pretty good.

Brigs - Yeah I suppose so. But man i didn't make it past the first part of the game.

What do you expect? you where an extra. Even if you would have survived I doubt that you would have liked everything.

Brigs - Supose so. Still it sucked.

Dart - Well I'm happy

Brigs - Freaking Cloud want a be.

Dart - Dough boy!

Brigs - Yeah well at least I got to see in on Tifa.

Dart - So you got to see some sisclone.

Tifa from a distance - THEY'RE REAL!!!!!!!!!!

[keated]

Cloud and everyone else: SURE they are ;)

[c'mon everyone... join in... you KNOW you want to ;)]

[Sixteen]

( :) Yep it's fun to kind of give Tifa a hard time.)

A few hours and several bottles of Cid's stash later......


Dart - Man... "hic" I don't see why Cloud was being so hung up about stuff.... "hic"

Brigs - "Hic" Don't know... After all he had that Aries girl and "hic"ifa.

Shana walks in and sees them completely wasted.

Shana - Dart!!!!!

Dart - Shana sweetie! "hic" We where just talking bout Cloud...

Shana - D@mn it Dart! I thought that we agreed. No more going out and getting like this!

Dart - Well hanging out with the guys from FFVII I just decided to have a little drink...

Yuffie walks in and looks at the mess on the floor and then at Brigs and Dart Wasted and completely out of it.

Yuffie - Oh man.... Cid is going to crap a gold brick over this.... Although you are kind of cute...

She smiles at Dart. Shana looks at her and b##ch slaps her.

Shana - THat's my man!

Yuffie - Well maybe he wants a woman and not a siclone implant want to be!

Tifa - FOR THE LAST TIME!!!! THEY'RE REAL!!!!!!!!

[keated]

[c'mon... let's just try this once... all together now!!!!]

[Sixteen]

Dart, Brigs, Jessie, Shana, Yuffie and everyone else - Sure they are!

[Sixteen]

Dart looks around after coming to his senses. He sees Shana standing over him along with Yuffie

Dart - What's happening?

Yuffie - Well we where wondering the same. No action yet.

Shana - Yeah. Is that all you are all talk and no action.

Dart - I didn't say anything really....

Shana - Yeah And those are really Tifa's natural...


Tifa - In the name of the life Stream they are REAL!!!!!

[keated]

[heh, was seeing if anyone else would reply... guess not -o-;]

Cloud and everyone else: SURE they are

Tifa: That's it!

(*Tifa slaps Cloud*)

Cloud: Ow... hey!

[keated]

normally, i'd wait lnger before posting the next one, but hey, im sure you all want to read this really ;) [just a little depressing that i don't get many other replies on this... lol...]


(*Elena swings, but takes out her own feet on the unstable snow, and rolls off intot he distance*)
Cloud: Right... lemme go snowboarding, okay?
Person: Sure...
(*Cloud goes snowboarding, does well, until he starts showing off, and flies straight into a wall.*)
Cloud: Ow...
Tifa: Stop messing around, and get to the damned bottom!
Cloud: Sure...
(*Cloud gets to the end*)
Vincent: Uh... isn't there another way down, or do we have to jump at the end?
Cloud: Too late for questions now!
(*Cloud goes off the end*)
Cloud: Everyone okay?
Tifa: I'm just peachy, thanks...
Vincent: ... appart from all the snow in my ears you mean?
Cloud: Yup... oh damn, the map's ruined!
Vincent: Oh... we're doomed.
Cloud: Nah, just sit here and wait 'till it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
Tifa: Uh... Cloud?
Vincent: That, Tifa, despite it's dodgy sounding nature, was in fact, a perfectly clean comment. A 'brass monkey' was a name for a pile of cannon balls.
Tifa: Oh, right, you knew that Cloud?
Cloud: Uh... sure...
(*Cloud avoids eye contact, and they sit down, playing snap until Cloud collapses in the snow, and gets taken to Glacier-Dude's house.*)
Glacier-Dude: Heh, lucky i had to be passing really...
Tifa: Passing?
Glacier-Dude: Okay, i was stalking Tifa, all right!?!?
Cloud: Yeah, fine.
Vincent: Sounds okay to me.
Tifa: Oh great...
Glacier-Dude: It's cold on the glacier...
Vincent: I think the correct response, possibly one Basset or Cid would use, would be 'No &*$% Sherlock...'
Glacier-Dude: Every time you reach a ridge, you've got to rub yourself to keep warm.
Tifa: Eugh! I know what you're thinking, betcha you've got a telescope!
Glacier-Dude: Hey, you can't blame an old-guy for trying... but seriously, just do something to keep warm... jumping up and down on the spot might be a good idea.
Tifa: Hmm... might try that one...
Glacier-Dude: Oh, and everyone's waiting out there for you...
Cloud: Cool, well, see ya then!
Glacier-Dude: (Well, you may not see ME, but with my telescope, i'll CERTAINLY see Tifa... muahahahaha)
Tifa: Say something?
Glacier-Dude: Uh... no...
(*Cloud goes outside*)
Cloud: Hey guys!
Yuffie: Take me wi-i-i-ith you... I'm so BORED... I've already stolen all the Hysteria within a 12 mile radius! C'mon... or it might be yours next!
Cloud: Oh... all right then... but you'd better not steal it while you're with us...
Yuffie: Aww...
Cloud: It's that, or stay here...
Yuffie: Damn... well... I'll stay here then...
Basset: Can i come? Been a while since i got to kick the &*%$ out of something...
Cloud: Okay, sure.
(*Cloud goes up the hill with his party*)
Cloud: Hmm... a wall to scale... and me with no climbing equipment...
Tifa: Oh well... shall we get going?
(*Cloud starts climbing the wall, until he gets to a ledge*)
Tifa: C-Cloud... it's-s damned c-cold...
Cloud: Okay Tifa, we'll stop here for a minute.
(*Tifa, Cloud and Basset jump up and down to keep warm. Behind his telescope, Glacier-Dude gets a nosebleed*)
Tifa: Better now...
(*Cloud climbs all the way to the first cave*)
Cloud: Hey, look... a load of LITTLE Weird-Blue-Scorpion-Dudes...
Tifa: Aww... aren't they cute?
Basset: Maybe I'll take one back for Marlene... she's been bugging me for a pet... i asked Redex, but he just gave me the evil eye when i asked...
Tifa: Evil Eye?
Basset: Yeah...
(*Basset pulls a face*)
Tifa: Ah... right...
Cloud: Hey, look... a hidden room! Yoink!
(*'Recieved another "Ribbon"'*)
Tifa: Ooh, pretty... PLEASE can i ahve it could? (*flutter flutter*)
Cloud: Argh... i can't say no to those brea- uh... eyes...
Tifa: For that, if you give me the ribbon, i won't slap you.
Cloud: Oh, fine... sure...
Basset: Oh &*%$! There's something blocking our way...
Cloud: Heh, when I told Aeris I was a jack off all-
Tifa: You mean OF, right?
Cloud: Yeah, yeah, sure... a jack OF all trades, thank you Tifa, i never mentioned them... one is ice sculpture... I have a sword, this is an ice cave, so no problem!
Basset: Great... well, let's go!
(*Cloud makes a nice, giant ice-duck, before going on to the next cave*)
Cloud: Can't reach the door...
Basset: We could, you know, JUMP?
Cloud: Nah...
Tifa: hey, look! Icicles!
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
Basset: I got an idea! Just for a laugh, I'll shoot them down!
Tifa: Go for it!
(*Basset shoots down the icicles*)
Cloud: Hey look! Let's go through the door!
(*Cloud goes through*)
Cloud: Hey, a save-point... I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Cloud runs on, and down the next tunnel*)
Cloud: Hey, look! More black-robed guys!
Tifa: They're just sad really...
Cloud: I don't think so... I've got a lot of compassion for these guys...
Basset: (I'm not suspicious in the least)
Cloud: (Hey, that's MY line... it'd be like me saying 'they're real...')
Tifa: (They ARE real!)
Cloud, Basset and the black-robed guy: SURE they are...
(*The black-robed guy drops dead and dissapears*)
Tifa: You know, i seem to have that effect on guys... I have no idea why it is...
Basset: I could hazard a guess...
Schizo: Um... excuse us... um... we're here for a boss-fight?
Basset: What the &*%$ are you talking about?
Schizo: Um, well, we're here to ahve a boss fight with you...
(*Tifa, Cloud and Basset look around*)
Tifa: You're not using the 'royal we', are you?
Schizo: Um... no, we're not... what're you talking about? We don't understand...
Tifa: It's just that... we don't see anybody else...
Schizo: Oh, now THERE you've hit the nail on the head... anyBODY... We're a two-headed-dragon-thing...
Tifa: Um... let me guess... with a birth defect?
Schizo: How did you guess...?
Tifa: Well... you must be the world's ONLY one-headed-two-headed dragon...
Schizo: Yeah, kinda embarressing, huh?
Cloud: I guess so... well... let's do this thing...
Schizo: Yeah man!
(*Boss fight ensues. Is over in 0.01 seconds*)

[zeig zeon]

Yay, the crater's coming up next. That was one of the coolest parts of the game. I can't wait to see Cloud try to get through those stupid wind walls. I can see him walking right up to it, getting knocked back, walking up, getting knocked back, etc. etc.

[keated]

(*Boss fight ensues. Is over in 0.01 seconds*)
Cloud: That was depressingly easy... and wasn't that just a blue-dragon?
Tifa: I think so... but he had body-paint on...
(*Cloud runs out, to another cliff face*)
Cloud: Hey, if I'm lucky, we may get to fight another one on the next ledge!
(*Cloud reaches the top, and goes up and over*)
Cloud: Aww... all there is seems to be a big crater...
Basset: Holy *&%$! There's a big &*%$£* tornado at the beginning!
Tifa: ... Basset, i think you missed a letter there...
Basset: Huh?
Tifa: Well... i think '&*%$£*' is missing one off the end...
Basset: Oh, yeah, sorry... didn't think anyone would read it...
Cloud: Come on... i guess Bob's probably in the middle of all that wind... heh, i remember the time he had a LOT of wind in that litle armoured personel carrier... hoo-boy... we had to evacuate for a week, and sit on the roof...
Tifa: Uh... that's nice Cloud...
(*Cloud wanders down the side of the crater, up to the wall of wind*)
Cloud: Ew... MAN that's bad!
Bob: (It's not me... there's just a lot of methane underground...)
Cloud, Basset and Tifa: (SURE there is bob... that's why the wind's green...)
Cloud: We've got to wait until there's a gap, or we'll suffocate...
(*Cloud times his jump, hits agaisnt the seemingly solid wind, easily kills the enemies he's forced to fight, and makes it through on his seventy-second attempt. He'd decided to level up.*)
Cloud: Well... that wasn't so hard...
Basset: &*%$... there's more guys in black robes here!
Cloud: Yeah... oh... HI BOB!
Bob: Huh? Oh, hi Cloud... HEY TIFA!
(*Bob waggles his eyebrows. Tifa crosses her arms and looks away with a faint 'Hmph'*)
Tifa: Oh... hey, look, a shiney!
(*'Recieved "Really-Bad-Mullet" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Uh, don't suppose you'd stay there so we can come kick your ***, would you?
Bob: No can-do -
(*A small green toad appears from nowhere*)
Green toad: You can do it too, with Kandoo!
(*The small green toad disappears. Bob aquires a sweat-drop.*)
Bob: Ahem... anyway, as i have a busy schedule to stick to... and who the hell decided on putting advertising in this game?
(*The message 'BUY MORE SQUARE-ENIX GAMES!!!!' appears, and flashes on and off on the screen*)
Bob: So, I can't fight you at the moment... later dudes!
(*Bob kills the last of the robed people following him*)
Bob: Stop stalking me, you buch of robed-weirdos!
Robed-Guy: Sorry master...
Bob: Hey... how come you're not ALL wearing black-robes? Yours is a slightly disturbing Pink colour...
Pink-Robed-Guy: How i live my life is my choice!
Basset: Right on brother!
Bob: Uh... okay then...
(*Bob sighs, and flies away*)
Cloud: That wasn't very nice...
Pink-Robed-Guy: Okay, I'm not one of the other guys who follows him... but he looks hot! Come back, Bobby-Babes!
(*Pink-Robed-Guy runs after Bob*)
Bob: Phew... he's gone... here, have a Bendover-Fight...
(*Fight ensues against Bendover-Deaf*)
Basset: Awite, let's kick some ***!
Bendover-Deaf: Huh?
Basset: I said 'Awite, let's kick some ***!'
Bendover-Deaf: Sorry, what? Could you speak up?
Basset: I SAID... oh... nevermind...
Bendover-Deaf: Pardon?
Basset: NEVER MIND!!!
Bendover-Deaf: Oh... rightey-ho then...
Cloud: Let's just get this over with...
Bendover-Deaf: Pardon? Could you just speak UP please?
Cloud: WE!!! ARE!!! GOING!!! TO!!! KICK!!! YOUR!!! MISERABLE!!! ***!!!!!
Bendover-Deaf: Oh... well, there's no need to shout...
(*Cloud proceeds to kill Bendover-Deaf.*)
Cloud: Eeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssyyyyyy!
Tifa: ANOTHER shiney down here?
(*'Recieved "Another-Way-To-Get-Magic-To-Do-More-Damage-And-Thus-Replace-Aeris" hysteria'*)
Cloud: Look, more barriers... BOB! Have you been eating beans or something? It's just sick!
(*Cloud passes through the toxic swirly clouds, and everyone meets up.*)
Cloud: Okay people! Bob is just beyond here... now, as he does funny things to people's heads, i'll just go on alone and-
Basset: Not so fast...
Vincent: I think someone shoulc go with you...
Tifa: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!
Cloud: Fine... Tifa and... Vincent?
Vincent: Sure thing...
Yuffie: Uh... Cloud...
Cloud: Yes Yuffie?
Yuffie: Well, you KNOW how you keep telling me not to steal people's Hysteria?
Cloud: Yeeeessssssss...
Yuffie: Well, I kind of picked this up...
(*'Recieved "Black Hysteria"'*)
Cloud: ... well done Yuffie!
Yuffie: Yay!
Cloud: Now... someone's got to hold onto this, so i can't accidently give it up to Bob...
Basset: Sure... i will...
Cloud: Right, well, we'll be off then...
(*Cloud runs off*)
Tifa: Hmm... is it jsut me, or does this palce look kinda.. familiar?
Cloud: We're in Nibbleheim again? Aww MAN, we've got to catch a boat and-
Tifa: Cloud, shut up... look, Bob's just coming here... oh cool! It's that story you told up in Panik!
Cloud: Look... there's Bob, and the 2 soldiers... and... Hey, Tifa, did i ever dye my hair black?
Tifa: No Cloud.
Cloud: So... that's not me then?
Tifa: Well... maybe...
Cloud: Maybe? Oh, well, that's all right then! Phew, had me worried for a while there!
Tifa: Well, don't let it get to you, and don't think to hard about it...
Cloud: Well, I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Bob, the 2 soldiers and the black-haired-Cloud dissappear, but Bob reappears*)
Bob: Yo dudes and dudette... HELLO TIFA!
Tifa: Hi Bob...
Bob: Well Cloud, how dya like the truth?
Cloud: It's a nice place to visit, but i wouldn't fancy living there...
Bob: Cloud, that' SO clichéd!
Cloud: Well La-De-Da...
Bob: Anyway... I'm just going to try to confuse you for a while, if you don't mind...
(*Bob plays basically exactly the same footage from some parts of Cloud's story, but with Cloud having black hair*)

[keated]

[damn, i should try to finish before FF7-II or whatever comes out! lol...]



(*Bob plays basically exactly the same footage from some parts of Cloud's story, but with Cloud having black hair*)
Cloud: I notice you edited it... and the black-haired me didn't come out while you were still getting ready for the fire...
Bob: Hey, I'm ALLOWED to edit it... anyway, he's NOT a black-haired you!
Cloud: Yeah, right...
Bob: He's not!
Cloud, Vincent and Tifa: We believe ya!
Bob: He's NOT!
Cloud, Vincent and Tifa: We believe ya!
Bob: But he's blatently not!!!
Cloud, Vincent and Tifa: We believe ya!
Bob: Ooh... you're all so MEAN!
(*Bob runs away*)
Cloud: Well, that went well...
Tifa: ...
Cloud: Hey, don't worry, as long as we all know what's what, it doesn't matter what Bob tries...
Tifa: Uh... yeah... sure...
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
Bob: Right... I've composed myself now... ahem... so, you really think you're Cloud then?
Cloud: Hell yeah!
Bob: Are you aware that Bendover can take any form it wants?
Cloud: So... why does it choose such crappy ones?
Bob: You know, I've always worried about mom's dress sense... oh well... anyway... so, i put it to you that you're a clone of myself... a defective one, i might add, who just happened to find out what Cloud's like from Tifa?
Cloud: That's a lie!
Bob: So how come you remember nothing before meeting Tifa in Blingar?
(*Cloud sings*)
Cloud (*Singing*): It must be love, love, love!
Bob: That's crazy!
Vincent: Madness, actually...
Bob: Oh well... oh, here, have the picture Tifa took...
(*Bob holds out a photograph*)
Cloud: Uh... Bob? This looks like a picture of JUST Tifa... that was taken with a zoom lens... as she got out of the shower?
(*Bob looks at the photgraph*)
Bob: Doh! Wrong one! Here!
(*Bob quickly changes pictures, while glowing bright red from accute embarressment*)
Cloud: Tifa... hmm... this picture is fake, right?
Tifa (*Steaming with rage from the picture before*): WHAT?!? You &*%£$£*& pervo!
(*Tifa KO's Bob, before turning to Cloud*)
Tifa: Huh, oh, sure, that's a fake if ever i saw one... oh damn! They're REAL!
Vincent and Cloud: SURE they are...
Bob: Sure they are... urgh... did anyone get the licence plate of that Chocobo?
(*Bob shakes himself*)
Bob: Ow... well, that's it... follow me, little kiddies, if you want to find out... uh... why you're following me...
Tifa: Sounds like a crap reason... i think we should go home, as you can't summon Meteor...
Vincent: What about Aeris' revenge?
Tifa: Nah, don't need to bother with that...
(*Bob wanders off, Cloud and Tifa following*)
(*Meanwhile, at the big ice-cavern place*)
Rouge: Hey, Mojo, why're we in this big ice-cavern? That massive eye in the glacier is kind of creeping me out...
Mojo: Relax baby... just get comforatable, and let professor Mojo do his thang...
Rufus: A-HEM... children present...
Mojo: Sorry dude...
Rufus: Hey, apart from that eye, why is it so dark in here?
Rouge: And why're we here?
Mojo: Just wait and see...
(*Bob enters, Cloud following close behind. All the lights go on, coloured balloons fall from the ceiling, several squeakers are blown, and a party hat is placed on Cloud's head*)
Bob: Welcome to the Clones of '98 Reunion!
Cloud: Wow... (*sniff*) i feel so accepted...
Bob: C'mon, join the conga line...
(*A line of Bob clones wander off, with their hands on the person in front's rear end, kicking their legs more or less in time with the music*)
Bob: Da-da da-da da-DA...
(*Meanwhile, back with the others... the air around Basset all goes a hazy green colour.*)
Basset: What the &*%$!? Where IS everyone?
(*Bob appears, dressed as tifa, with stubble, and a couple pillows stuffed up his shirt
Bob/Tifa: HEY Big-boy, howsabout bringing the Black Hysteria MY way...
Basset: Uh...
Bob/Tifa: Cloud want's it too...
Basset: I'm SO there!
(*Basset starts walking towards where Cloud went*)
Bob: Tee-Hee... i can cross dress SOOOO convincingly!
Basset: (Hey, i KNOW it's not Tifa, but, hell, I'm interested!)
Vincent: Uh... Cloud?
Hojo: Hmm... You a Bob clone?
Cloud: Yep, seems so...
Hojo: What's your number?
Cloud: Uh... one?
Hojo: Nope.
Cloud: Um... 7?
Hojo: Nope...
Cloud: Hmm... 9?
Hojo: Nope. You never GOT a number didja, ya failure...
Cloud: Gimme!
Hojo: No way dude!
Basset: Hey Cloud... i brought the Hysteria as soon as i could!
Cloud: Gimme!
Basset: Sure...
Bob: Gimme!
Cloud: Sure!
(*Cloud hands over the Black Hysteria, and then joins the conga line, which, as it happens, ends on the ceiling, next to a green egg, seemingly holding Bob*)
Basset: Hmm... seen one of them, before...
Tifa: When?
Basset: Uh, my last trip with Redex... i mean... uh... medicinal herbs...
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, you ***...
Mojo: Ooooohhh... damn... my research is screwed up now, damn you Cloud, for not getting a number...
Cloud: Hey, i asked for one...
Rouge: Hey, look! The cavern is collapsing! We'd better get out of here!
Rufus: Damned right... we'll take the Breakwind... you're all welcome to come with us...
Basset: After last time i got on something that flies? Ha! No way!
Vincent: What're you saying?
Basset: I ain't gettin' on no airship! Ya hear? I AIN'T gettin' on NO airship!
Tifa: Yes you are, now MARCH!!!!
Basset (*quiet*): ... Yes ma'am...
(*Everyone flees, the cavern collapses, and the Weapons emerge*)
Vincent: What're they called?
Mojo: Weapon.
Vincent: Ah... so they were last in the 'name' que then?
(*The Breakwind gets knocked, and it takes Basset and Vincent to haul Tifa back on.*)
Tifa: You didn't need to do that you know... i'd have floated... ooh! It's all going white!
(*Everything goes white, then black, with Cloud off in the distance*)

[keated]

[SOMEONE'S still reading these, right? lol...]



(*Everything goes white, then black, with Cloud off in the distance*)
Tifa: Oy! Cloud! Wait up! I wanna word!
(*Cloud looks up, gulps, then legs it. A moment later, Tifa comes running in*)
Tifa: Damn those lazy scenery guys... leave them alone for five damned minutes... perhaps they're just on a tea break, or maybe a smoke break or... well, whatever, frankly, i don't WANNA know... Ooh! The colour's changing again! Ooh! Too bright! Someone shut the damned blinds!
Basset: Awite, awite... *&$% Tifa, don't need to &*%$£&' shout!
Tifa: You missed a letter again.
Basset: AHA! Didn't! Put an apostrophe in!
Tifa: Damn, you're right... well, could you turn the bloody lights down? I'm blind here!
Basset: Awite, keep your shirt on... or, for preference, don't!
Tifa: Predictable... so, what's been going on in the world? Oh wow, i can see again!
Basset: Come have a look outta the window... should answer your question.
(*Tifa looks out of the window*)
Tifa: Oh... we've got a new moon?
Basset: &*%$ Tifa! I thought Cloud was the thick one! It's meteor!
Tifa: Oh, well... so, whatabout all those Guns-
Basset: Weapons.
Tifa: Yeah, Weapons that came out of the crater?
Basset: Well, they've been causing a tonne of &*%$... i mean, think how damned BIG they are, a turd that size has GOTTA be at least a tonne... ahem... but they've also been tearing up the place... Rufus has been out fighting them-
[(*Rufus stands, barefist, facing a Weapon. (Wimpy-Weapon)
Rufus: C'mon! Fisticuffs! I challenge you...
(*Rufus whips out glove, and, after going home for a helicopter, slaps Wimpy-Weapon in the face with it.*)
Wimpy-Weapon: Hey man! That REALLY hurt... emotionally i mean...]
-I hate to say it, but the bastard's got guts...
(*Rufus comes in*)
Rufus: We're gonna execute you. Just for a laugh. Ha ha! See? There it was.
Basset: -and it's just a damned shame they're not splatted all over the damned floor!
Rufus: Aw, c'mon! Can't hate me...
Basset: Can.
Rufus: Can't, I'm a cute kiddie...
Basset: Damn... here, have a wollie-pop
Rufus: Thanks dude!
Basset: Damn, he's gonna look so fit when he's older... uh, i mean... i hate that bastard...
Tifa: You know, at times, you have me severely worried...
Lowdigger: Neigh.
Rufus: I thought my father to stop that hoarse laugh.
Lowdigger: Actually, sir, he said 'Horse laugh'...
Rufus: Horsie! Horsie! Ahem, damn, i can't be leader of a multi-national evil corporation if i keep saying things like that...
Lowdigger: If you say so sir...
Rufus: Wannanother wollie-pop!
Lowdigger: Uh... yes sir... In the mean time, shall we just get them killed?
Rufus: Sounds cool to me! Tie them
Lowdigger and all male guards within a mile radius: WE'LL tie Tifa for you!!!!
Rufus: Well, if you're gonna be like that, I'LL tie her.
Tifa: Uh-uh... no way, sorry, but you need [legally] to be at least 18... but not much over for preference...
Rufus: Well, as you're here, you can do it Lowdigger.
Lowdigger: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O
(*The scene changes to Basset and Tifa being led towards the press room*)
Reporter: So, Rouge, why a public execution in this day and age?
Rouge: Uh, are you recording this?
Reporter: Well, I'M not recording it...
Rouge: Good enough for me... 2 reasons: 1) 'Cos you all really love this stuff, admit it or not, and nothing rallies support like a good ol' fasioned scape-goat... and 2) The damned *&%$% really gets on my nerves!
Reporter: Oh, oki-doki.
Rouge: Send the slapper in first...
Basset: But i don't wanna die first!
Rouge: Not HIM, HER!!!
(*The guards go red, before dragging Tifa in*)
Basset: Oh well... rather you than me... heh heh heh...
Tifa: Bastard...
Rouge: Now, come this way... this won't hurt a bit... It'll hurt a lot! Tee hee!
Tifa: Grr...
Rouge: Now, untie her hands...
(*Tifa's hands are untied, and Rouge pushes her backwards into the chair*)
Rouge: Bind her hands! Right, done? Heh-heh-heh... now, let's leave, AND NOT NOTICE THE KEY WE DROP, huh?
Guard: Cool plan!
Rouge: In just a minute [switch on the gas] Tifa'll be dead... and then I'll be the best looking girl in this entire game! Ahahahahaha!
Guards: [sez you...]
Rouge: [yes, sez me... and unless you wanna join her in there, sez you too...]
Alarm: Weapon's attacking... uh... run for your lives?
(*Meanwhile, in the control-tower-kinda-place*)
Lowdigger: It's Weapon
Rufus: Well, no *&%$... what'd you think i had the alarm installed for?
Lowdigger: Oh well... can we fire the big cannon? Can we? Can we? Please? Pwitty please? With a moogle's pom-pom on top?
Rufus: Sure... knock yourself out...
Lowdigger: Yay!
(*The big cannon is fired.*)
Lowdigger: Despite the fact that we can never normally hit *&%$, i'm confident we hit Weapon!
(*Rufus taps him on the shoulder*)
Rufus: Uh...
Lowdigger: Oh... poopie... we missed... well we'll, break out the artillery, while we re-load...
Rufus: So, you mean, against a creature with like 7000000 or so HP, we'll use the guns that have been doing, say 5 HP of damage?
Lowdigger: Uh... yeah? Your point?
Rufus: Oh, nothing... nothing really...
(*Meanwhile, back at the execution place...*)
Rouge: Damn you, you spineless reporters... COME BACK!!! Oh, i see one of you stuck around...
Reporter: So, how dya feel Rouge?
Rouge: Uh... uhhm... sleeeeeeeeeepy... zZzZzZzZz
Basset: Sleeping gas? Or was she just bored?
Reporter: Aha!
(*The 'Reporter' takes off the tent that had been his disguise, to reveal Cait Sith*)
Basset: Hey dude!
Cait Sith: Yo... hmm, how do we get Tifa out?
Basset: I know, we'll ask Rouge...
(*Basset pokes Rouge with a toe*)
Rouge: ... ZzZzZzZz die Tifa, you hussy! ZzZzZz...
Basset: Woah... she's as far away as Redex and i get when... ahem... i know! Let's try randomly banging on the door!
Cait Sith: Sounds good to me!
(*Basset pounds on the door with his fists*)
Basset: Hey, lemme in!
Tifa (at same time): Hey, lemme out!
Basset and Tifa: Would love to, but can't...
Cait Sith: Can't you bust her out?
Tifa: I HEARD that! And they're real!
Basset and Cait Sith: SURE they are!
Cait Sith: Well, maybe the control room is elsewhere... no point in checking Rouge for a key really...
Basset: Damned right, not touching THAT dog...
(*Cait Sith and Basset leave, but the doors are closed and locked behind them*)

[Sixteen]

Oh I like this! Yeah!!!!!


Rose - I don't know... Kind of mellow dramatic wouldn't you say?

Shana - Oh be quiet. She's getting what she deserves. Guess that's the price you pay for faking.

Tifa - <From inside of the gas chamber> THEY'RE REAL!!!!!!

Shana, Rose, Dart, Cloud, Dark Mage, Light Mage, Nemsis - Sure they are!

[keated]

heh, guess that answers my question :D

[zeig zeon]

[SOMEONE'S still reading these, right? lol...]

Of course we're still reading. This is hilarious. You should publish the whole thing online when you're finished. It'd be a hit.

[keated]

lol, well, im considering it... as i said before, maybe square would like to actually publish it as a book? lol [or, possibly, try to sue me for something or other... lol...]

[zeig zeon]

I don't think they could sue you unless you tried to sell it on your own. And who knows, maybe they would publish it. That would be sweet.

[keated]

hell yeah...

money money money! :D [who knows... might get asked 2 do more parodies... lol... afterall, they sanction walkthroughs and stuff... lol... and hell, it may make them laugh ;)]

lol, wonder what the cover would look like... [lol, obviously just take one of the stupid scenes... lol...]

[zeig zeon]

Originally posted by keated
lol, wonder what the cover would look like... [lol, obviously just take one of the stupid scenes... lol...]

Just throw in a pic of Aries in the leather outfit.@,@ Everyone would buy it:D

[keated]

lol, damn that's a good idea... lol... with a whip?

[and possibly Tifa in the background locked in the 'usual discussion' (ie: THEY'RE REAL! lol)]

[S.AsukaLangley]

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in a while (I think I accidently disabled email notification). I like the story! It's getting really good! Keep it up.

[keated]

(*looks up from furiously writing humour-fantasy kinda stories {3 on the go, including the parody, that're 'active' at the moment... lol...}, chained to his computer*)

heh, and these little off topic discussions are always a chuckle too ;)

lol...

oh well, will get right back on the case...

(*Goes back to furiously writing, and weaing out yet ANOTHER keyboard ;)*)

[it's half-term... should have enough time for at LEAST 1 new part... lol...]

[keated]

tsk tsk, didn't think i'd let it sdie before the deleted scenes, did we? ;)




(*Cait Sith and Basset leave, but the doors are closed and locked behind them*)
Basset: Damn!
(*Rouge wakes up*)
Rouge: Sure they are! Oh damn, I'm too late for the punchline... oh well... ha ha! You're trapped outside! Nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh nyeh!
Cait Sith: Damn... well, let's leggit!
Basset: Aw, but i wanna insult Rouge through the door for a while!
Cait Sith: Tell someone who cares...
Basset: I will!
(*Cait Sith and Basset run*)
Basset: Where're we going?
Cait Sith: Airport...
Basset: You *&%$!? we're leaving Tifa?
Cait Sith: Yup.
Basset: Oh... well, nice knowing her...
Cait Sith: You can say that again...
Basset: Oh... well, nice knowing her...
Cait Sith: [predictable...]
Basset: [They're the best... clichés only become clichés through over-use...]
Cait Sith: Wow, coming from you, that's pretty deep!
(*Cait Sith and Basset nearly run past another reporter and cameraman*)
Reporter: Hey! Oy! Guys!
Cait Sith: Busy, running, no time for interview...
Basset: Hey, is THIS my good side, or is this?
(*Yuffie throws off the disguise*)
Yuffie: It's ME guys!!!
Basset: Oh... who's your friend, the cameraman? Damn, he's gone...
Yuffie: Well, let's just go for the airport, huh?
Basset: Sure... as long as I'm safe, who cares about the resta ya!
Cait Sith: [ow man, that hurt!]
Basset: [Tell someone who cares...]
Cait Sith: [Good comeback!]
(*They continue running, and get to the airport*)
Basset: What the &*%$!?!? ther's no way outta here, you stupid cat!
Cait Sith: Uh... sorry... howabout we just fight them off here? I mean, i've quite forgotten the reason for coming up this way...
Yuffie: Wasn't it to- hey! OW!
(*Meanwhile, weapon attacks*)
Weapon: Rar! I'm a dead-hard monster! Rar, i say!
Everyone else: Argh! Weapon's attacking!
Weapon: Well, only in a friendly sorta way... oh, wait a second! You bastards have Tifa locked up, don't you! Damn, well, just for plot, i'm gonna blow a hole in the side, to bust her out...
(*Everyone's eyes swivel to the room containing Tifa*)
Tifa (*Sounds a little echoey*): (*Cough cough, hack*) they're (*cough*) REAAAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!
Everyone else (Including Weapon*): SURE they are!
Weapon: Okay, i admit it... the only reason i'm making the hole was so i could get away with that joke... ahem, anyway...
(*Weapons makes the hole, and then gets his head shot off*)
Weapon: Well, i say that was jolly unfair, you scoundrels!
Tifa: Wow, now if i squirm in the right way, i can get the key, and get out to safety!
(*Meanwhile, in a security office, with the cameras, a dozen leering guards simultaneously break out in a nosebleed*)
TIfa: Right, press down for legs, up for mouth, direction for which arm, and try combos... hmm... legs, leg-hand, leg-head...
(*Meanwhile, in a security office, with the cameras, a dozen leering guards simultaneously pass out*)
Tifa: Wow, I'm out, and i only needed to use my bust to get the key once!
(*Tifa legs it out onto the roof*)
Rouge: Bugger, she's getting away! Lads! Grab 'er!
Soldiers: WOO HOO!
(*Tifa climbs down the roof, the soldiers in hot pursuit, but enver catching up. As a matter of interest, Tifa stops, and the soldiers all hesitate.*)
Soldier: Uh... could you, y'know, move? Or we can't CHASE you...
Solider2: Yeah, need a moving target to chase! Otherwise we're just running!
Tifa: (*sigh*) fine...
(*Tifa slides down the roof, and ends up running down the length of the Junior Cannon, which, incidently, has the words 'Second-Cousin-Twice-Removed Ray' on its side, quite suspiciously*)
Rouge: Tifa, stop there, you little *****!
Rouge: Howabout we have a slanging match?
Tifa: Isn't it a slapping match?
Rouge: Whatever... hey, I know I'm gonna lose anyway...
(*Rouge and Tifa engage*)
Rouge: Ha-ha! I have you on the ropes!
Tifa: Don't be so sure... so, these pixels DO have a use...
(*Tifa *****slaps Rouge, using Tifa's impressive bust*)
Rouge: Hey! That hurt!
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: Run to the end!
Tifa: Hey, who's there!
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: Guess who!
Tifa: Corny?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's dead, get over it.
Tifa: Shine-Ra president?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's dead, get over it.
Tifa: Uh, dad?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's dead, get over it.
Tifa: That's SO mean! Wedge?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's dead, get over it.
Tifa: Tellah?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's dead, get over it. And buy FF4.
Tifa: Well, i had it on rental... and didn't EVERYONE die at least once in that one? Uh... Raine?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: Nope, she's dead, get over it. And buy FF8. They did seem to... well, i guess they probably got paid more than we do.
Tifa: Shadow?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: Nope, he's dead, get over it. You shoulda waited longer. Oh, and get FF3 & 6...
Tifa: Hmm... Aeris?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, she's dead, get over it. And buy FF-
Tifa: Uh, dude, we're IN FF7... anyway, i Already DID get over it, BEFORE she was dead... heh heh heh... Hey, Cloud, is that you?
Mysterious-Voice-That-Should-Be-Familiar: No, he's- you mean he's not? Oh *&%$! Just RUN damnit!
Tifa: (*sigh*) fine, i will, before Rouge wakes up...
(*Tifa runs along, and carries on running when the Breakwind rises, makes a jump, and gets entangled in the rope-ladder [use your imagination to guess WHERE gets entangled. [That's right: Her legs...what, you expected something else, you perv?]*)
Tifa: SEE YA!
(*Tifa climbs up, and gets into the Breakwind*)

[S.AsukaLangley]

YAY ! It's BACK!!!!!!! To tell you the truth I couldn't wait for it to come back.

[keated]

lol, that's good to hear... lol... :D

[started playing ff7 again the other day... (iv worked out it's major appleal to me: Midar... i love it :D lol...) and i can't help but to substitute the parody in... lol...

and, thus far, i hav climhazard before Apps... im going for meteorain though :D :evil: hey, i got it by the shinra building last time... NEXT time, im gonna get metoerain for the scorpion! lol]

[zeig zeon]

Originally posted by keated
and, thus far, i hav climhazard before Apps... im going for meteorain though :D :evil: hey, i got it by the shinra building last time... NEXT time, im gonna get metoerain for the scorpion! lol]

:eek: That's awsome! I tried the same thing a while ago, and got Blade Beam before I went to Wall Market. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on the train graveyard, my playstation busts whenever Tifa tries to use a limit break.

Tifa- They're Real!!! R-E-A-L, REAL!!!
Everyone and my Playstation - Sure they are!!!

It's nice to see the parody again. I had almost forgotten about it. Good thing I have e-mail notification.

[keated]

lol, damnright :D

and, incidentally, today, i succeeded in getting meteorain before Apps... lol... level 17 :D [Hyper's are great: They can give u fury, which = more limit breaks... lol :D]


[oh, incidentally, anyone here tried reading the other thing im currently posting? (*points at sig*) called split kingdoms? lol...]

[Sixteen]

Wonderful to see this back in action. For a while I had believed this thing to be a figment of a time since past.

Tifa - They're REAL!!!!!

Shana (From LOD), Dart (From LOD), Victora (From WA3), Entire Cast from Final Fantasy Spirits within - Sure they are...

[keated]

lol, put it this way: If i ever decided 2 stop writing this, and no longer post, the final thing id do would be to post the following:

1) to say that this WAS so
2) to post the current 'deleted scenes'... cos they're just damned funny :D lol...

and anyway, i intend to finish this little [little? HA!] project :)

[Silver Cyclone]

yeh Keated cant stop writing this it's whats keeping me alive and in stiches from laughter.

[keated]

lol, ok then :D

[keated]

(*Tifa climbs up, and gets into the Breakwind*)
Tifa: Hmm... where to go, where to go...
Yuffie: Urk, try downstair for a start... I'm gonna stay up here- Urk -for a while...
Tifa: Oh, okay then...
(*Tifa carefully avoids Yuffie, before running downstairs, and onto the bridge.*)
Tifa: Yo guys!
Basset: ... I can't believe you didn't recognise my voice...
Tifa: Sorry dude, but I couldn't tell with the megaphone! It didn't sound real- oh damn!
(*Everyone looks at Tifa*)
Tifa: They ARE real! Damnit, they ARE!
Everyone else: SURE they are...
Tifa: Grr...
Cid: Hey Tifa! I managed to get this ditzy dude here to fly the Breakwind! Not bad, huh?
Tifa: So, we've got wheels-
Cid: This is an airship *&%$! We got PROPELLERS, and, later, jet-boosters too...
Tifa: Oh, right... well, anyway, so we can go anywhere right?
Cid: Yup, and for the moment at least, with CLoud not around, why don't you be in charge?
Tifa: Yeah, sure... right... well, job 1: Find Cloud. Oh, and ANYONE who, while I'm charge, has a go at everyone's favourite catchphrase, will find themselves being thrown from the nearest window!
Cid: So... dya wanna fly around, getting clues, or just go straight down to where the script, and walkthrough says he should be?
Tifa: Well, with Meteor hanging over us like that, i guess we SHOULD feel like time is against us, at least a little...
Cid: Well, off to Big-Eel then...
(*The Breakwind flies around, and lands as close to Big-Eel as it can, before they, Tifa, Redex and Basset, disembark and wander into Big-Eel.*)
Tifa: Wow, smell that fresh ocean air...
Basset: Uh... right... hey, shops! Let's go shoppin'!
(*They enter the nearest shops*)
Subtle Shoplifter: Uh, I'm buying all this stuff, really... and the teeny chocobo ISN'T a distraction in ANY way whatsoever...
Tifa: Aww, it's so cute...
Basset: Hey, look, a door set in the wall! Let's break it down!
Redex: Yeah, been a while since i got to smash something up!
(*Basset and Redex attempt to break the door down*)
Shopkeeper: OY! It's painted on, dumbass! But here: have a free item... (Tee hee... it's cursed!!!)
Basset: Wow, thanks! (I always wanted my own curse!)
Redex: (You're always bloody cursing...)
Basset: (Oh har-har, mr. smartguy...)
Redex: (Yeah, says you, mr. 'Oh look! I've got an opposable thumb, nyeh-nyeh!')
Basset: (I only said that ONCE... jeez, don't keep ON about it...)
Shopkeeper: Uh... these two with either of you?
Subtle Shoplifter: Uh, no, although they're making a damned good distraction... hey, could you hold this for me while i hide this on myself? Thanks...
Tifa: I'd REALLY like to be able to say no...
(*Tifa walks up behind them, and grabs them both by the ear, before hauling them out*)
Tifa: What the *&$% were you playing at?? That's it, i'm not taking you both at the same time again...
Basset and Redex: Aww...
(*Tifa exchanges Basset for Yuffie, before re-entering Big-Eel*)
Tifa: Wow, lookie there! A cute doggie!
Redex: ... my feelings are so hurt now... aren't i enough for you?
(*Tifa and Yuffie have already run over to the dog*)
Redex: Guess not...
Yuffie: Aww, it's so cute... why, i could just steal you away, and then keep the ransom, AND you, you little cute thing you...
Old Geezer: Hey, didja hear about that SPIKEY HAIRED KID, WITH A BIG SWORD that they pulled outta the water? Hint hint.
Tifa: I'm not suspicious in the least...
Redex: Hey, don't steal Cloud's lines!
Old Coot: Hey, why'd you shout?
Old Geezer: 'Cos she needed to hear...
Old Coot: Right, gotcha... and he's at THE HOSPITAL, JUST UP THERE... hint hint...
Old Geezer: Don't milk it...
(*Tifa runs over the the hospital*)
Tifa: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps ignoring me!
Doctor: (Wait for it...) Next please...
Tifa: Doctor! Doctor! People keep talking to my breasts instead of me!
Doctor: (Wait for it) One at a time please...
Tifa: Doctor! Doctor! Is there anything wrong with Cloud?
Doctor: (Wait for it...) He just feels a little... light headed... (Ooh, i crack me up!)
Tifa: Gimme a straight answer! Lemme in to see him.
Doctor: Nope, he's a cabbage.
Tifa: That doesn't matter... to me, he's still Cloud...
Doctor: Uh... i mean, the lifestream has turned him LITERALLY into a cabbage, a little after we dragged him out. He may turn back at some point...
(*Doctor steps out of the way, to show a cabbage, sitting in a wheelchair, on a ventilator.
Tifa: CLOUD!
Cabbage-Cloud: ...
Tifa: Yup, that's him!
Doctor: You can tell?
Tifa: Sure... anyone ELSE wanting to be silent wouldn't say '...', would they!
Doctor: Ah, i see your point!
Tifa: Cloud... I'm gonna stay with him...
Yuffie: You sure?
Redex: It's hardly going to be thrilling conversation...
Tifa: Ah, I'm used to it... Cloud's always like this, remember...
Yuffie: Ah, rightey-ho then... well... we'll be going back to the Breakwind then?
Tifa: Sure, leave me here... ah, just put Cid in chage... it'll be funny watching him run around...
Yuffie: Sure thing!
Tifa: (Redex, watch her... PLEASE try to stop her stealing from everyone on the way out... it's embarressing...)
Redex: (Sure thing, but it's not like i've got eyes everywhere...)
Tifa: (Just do your best...)
(*Redex and Yuffie return to the Breakwind*)
Yuffie: Yo, Cid, you're in charge.
Cid: Woot! Nyeh-nyeh! Told ya Basset!
Basset: Damnit! I've been waiting longer than you... grr...
Cid: Ha ha!
Basset: Damnit, I'm gonna *&$$%&* sulk now...
Cid: Yeah, well you can *&$$ yourself.
Basset: Hah! i WISH!
Cid: Uh-HUH... moving swiftly on... yo, traitor dude, what're the Shine-Ra up to?
Cait Sith: Well, mainly they seem to be collecting some 'Chunky Hysteria', for the Second-Cousin-Twice-Removed Ray.
Cid: Ah, right... well, let's go nick it befoe they do!
Basset: Damnright! Hey, we can have a guys day out... Just you, me and Redex-
Vincent: Ahem... if you don't mind, I'm more of a man than Redex...
Redex: Hah, yeah? Says you... wanna make something of it?
Basset: Yeah, well, you can't come anyway... Tifa told us we weren't allowed in the same party, remember?
Redex: Oh, yeah, after that...
Vincent: I meant 'Human Male' anyway...
Redex: Well, that's okay then...
Basset: Group hug!
(*Basset grabs both Cid and Vincent*)
Cid: You *&%$%! Get the %&*$ off of me, you *&%£$$&*$ £&*%$!!!
Vincent: Desist!
Basset: Aww... well, let's go!
Yuffie: Ye Generic-Deitys... i just thought: I'm the only female member that can be in a group at the moment!
Redex: Don't worry...
Cait Sith: We'll keep you company...
Yuffie: Uh... thanks... but, I'm feeling REALLY travelsick, so I'll just be going...
(*Yuffie runs*)



[sorry guys, thought it'd take longer to get to this page... lol...]

(Edit: That being the second page, btw ;) )

[keated]

[hmm... no replies after that last one... people still reading this? :eek: ;)]


(*Yuffie runs*)
Cid: Let's go! Where first Cait Sith?
Cait Sith: Hmm... lemme see... Uh... Barrier-Reef i think, the reactor there, you know, the one that Basset should have done something about before it was built...
Basset: Hey, don't rub it in!
(*The Breakwind lands, and they leave for the reactor*)
Basset: &*%$! We're too late! The train is off! And with the Chunky Hysteria!
Cid: Hey, isn't that village on the tracks?
Basset: Hmm... you mean the train'll bash straight through?
Cid: Maybe, what do i look like, a medium?
Vincent: (I'd say more of a short...)
Basset: COOL! Surve 'em right! Ha-ha!
Vincent: OR, we could save THEM, AND get the Chunky Hysteria... they may forgive you then...
Basset: ... FINE... but how're we gonna catch up?
(*They wander towards the reactor*)
Cid: Hey, look! Another train! We'l take this!
Vincent: Uh... guys... anyone know how to-
Cid: I Can pilot anything, so don't even ask!
Vincent: HAve you ever actually-
Cid: I SAID don't ask...
(*They get on the train*)
Cid: Actually, this isn't so much of a train really...
Basset: Shut up and keep PUMPING, or we'll never catch up... (that's it, work it baby...)
Cid: ...
Basset: I-I-I-I've been workin' on the RAAAAIIIILLLL road, all the-
Vincent and Cid: ...
Basset: Awite! Now... we've all got to jump onto the train from the back, at the same time... and then run to the front, through many battles!
Vincent: Why don't we just got straight to the front? I mean, there's a parallel track-
Basset: ... Don't ask... it's for plot.
Vincent: Oh, right, gotcha... to add a little drama?
Basset: Damnright! Can't get off this train!
(*They all jump onto the nearest car*)
Basset: Damn, don't suppose anyone's got a limit ready?
Cid: Huh?
Basset: Looks like there's a guard...
Cid: Oh...
(*Cid knocks the guard's leg out from under him, knocking him off the train*)
Basset: ... hey, why don't we usually do that?
Cid: 'Cos we're not normally in a hurry, and wanna level up...
Vincent: Something's bugging me... i mean, when we WALK it, it doesn't take us 10-
Basset: SHUDDUP!
(*Basset rams a hand over Vincent's mouth*)
Basset: If it hears us, it may change it's mind...
(*The time left changes from 9:30 to 1:20*)
Basset: Smoothe move...
Vincent: Well, SOR-RY! Just because I have more common sense than the rest of you put together... (Which doesn't take much...)
(*They run to the front, knocking enemies off instead of fighting them*)
Cid: Wow, that was fun!
Basset: You &*%$! Stop the &%$*£$& train!
Cid: Sheesh... give a guy a chance, okay... hmm... someone's cut the breaks...
Basset: WHAT?
Cid: I know, weird, huh?
Vincent: (*sigh*) (looks like it's up to me...)
Basset: So you mean we have no way to stop this hunka-junk?
Cid: Nope. I suggest we all sit back, and get ready to die.
(*Vincent pulls out the oxy-accetaline torch, and starts cutting the wheels off*)
Basset: You lazy sod! That wasn't the break that was broken!
Cid: Huh?
Basset: That was the thing that goes 'toot toot'!
Cid: Oh, RIGHT... you mean these little levers stop the train?
Basset: Yup... thought you could pilot ANYTHING...
Cid: I said i can 'Pilot' anything... you don't 'pilot' a train, you 'drive' it...
Basset and Vincent: (*sigh*)
(*The train's wheels fall off, and it comes skidding to a halt*)
Cid: Yay! I did it!
Basset: Way to go Cid!
Vincent: But-
Cid: Don't interrupt my moment in the sun!
Villagers of Barrier-Reef: Yay! Basset, maybe you're not such an evil &*%$£&*...
Specific Villager: Hey, have this... for no apparent reason, i just got hold of it...
(*'Recieved Basset's Ultimate Limit Break, "Space-Probe Beam"'*)
Basset: Wow, i feel so accepted! (*sniff*)
Villager: yeah, well, we knew it wasn't your fault really, but we wanted a scapegoat...
Kid Near Well: Hey, lookie what i found!
Basset: Mhhhhmmm... shi-ney... gimme!
(*'Recieved "Not-Ultimate-Really" Hysteria'*)
Basset: Wow, thanks dude!
Cid: Okay, where next? Back to the Breakwind, and we'll find out!
(*Back on the Breakwind*)
Basset: Hey, know what i could really go for right now? A mini-game...
Cait Sith: It's your lucky day! It JUST SO HAPPENS we're goin' back to Fort Big Bird, to rescue the Chunky Hysteria from there...
Basset: YAY!
Vincent: (Uh, is anyone else getting a little... worried... by him?)
Basset: (Nope, it's just you...)
Vincent: (Oh... right... silly really...)
(*The Breakwind lands near Fort Bog Bird*)
Vincent: Why can't we just land on the side or something?
Cid: Don't be a stupid *%$&! You can only land my precious baby on completely flat grassland... otherwise, what's the point?
Vincent: ...
(*They climb up inside*)
Basset: Know hat i could go for? A mini-game...
Cid: Gimme Chunky Hysteria, or we'll start busting up the place, you *&$% filled *&$%$£!
Drunk Guy At Table: (Hic)... you're in luck then! (Hic) the Chunky Hysteria is in the Baka reactor that Big Bird's sitting on... and the Shine-Ra are just about to attack...
Basset: Damn... oh well...
(*They go up above*)
Guy In Charge: Yo dude... and dude... and dude... here they come, you can dona-
Cid: Dunno 'bout the other 2, but i'm skint, and stingy in any case, so i ain't givin' ya diddly squat...
Guy In Charge: Damn you, you heartless bastard...
Cid: Damned right. Now... We're takin' over...
(*Cid takes over, before allowing the troops to reach the top*)
Basset: HELLO boys... any SAILORs here?
(*Basset winks*)
Shine-Ra troops: Argh! Leggit!
(*The whole of the Shine-Ra attack falls back*)
Basset: Aww... you boys are no fun...
Cid: We thwarted the attack, so hand it over...
Guy In Charge: Sorry for the deception, but it wasn't really in the Baka Reactor... here it is.
Cid: FINALLY...
Guy In Charge: Hey, look, i think there's something out there...
(*Cid runs out*)

[Sixteen]

I still like it. I like the sencerity of it. How it keeps close to the story but manages to poke fun in a good way. It's like playing a fan game of it.

Tifa - Fan game???

Shana - Where did they find you again???

Tifa - Shut up you little B####!

Shana - like you're one to talk. Wanting Aries dead.

Tifa - Well Ummm....

Shana I mean your supposed sympathy for her diying was about has fake has your...

Tifa - THEY ARE REAL!!!!!

[zeig zeon]

[hmm... no replies after that last one... people still reading this?]

I'm fresh out of Tifa jokes, which is why I haven't posted in so long. Still reading though.

[keated]

Originally posted by zeig zeon
I'm fresh out of Tifa jokes, which is why I haven't posted in so long. Still reading though.

lol, how can u be out of them? all you need is, for example, to mention Unreal Tournam-

Tifa: Don't even think about it...

;)

[of course i can only really poke fun at it in a good way, i love the game :D]

[zeig zeon]

Originally posted by keated
lol, how can u be out of them? all you need is, for example, to mention Unreal Tournam-

Tifa: Don't even think about it...

;)

[of course i can only really poke fun at it in a good way, i love the game :D]

What about the Hindenburg? Tifa better stay away from open flames or she's liable to explode.

[keated]

lol, hmm... i wonder how flamable silicon is...

[sparahawk]

lol, this is great
we need more!

[gigo]

oh man i totally forgot about this thread...:lol:
oh I was "thewiz"...;)

man I've got a lot of catching up to do -o-;

[keated]

man, i'd wondered where you'd gone dude!

oh well... (*looks back at his last post*)

uh... just a litle way :|

more should be coming soon... [getting ready for a fun scene ;)]

[keated]

okay, let's see how this one's recieved... lol...




(*Cid runs out*)
Basset: Wow, another shiney...
(*'Recieved "Works-Well-With-'I'll Get You Yet'" Hysteria'*)
Cid: Right, now... back to the Breakwind...
(*Back on the Breakwind*)
Cid: So, where next?
Vincent: I have to admit, thus far, it's been almost too easy...
Cait Sith: Hmm... let's see... damn, the reception in ehre ain't too good...
Cid: Howabout we hang you out of the window, and wave you around until it gets BETTER?
Cait Sith: Okay, okay... no need to get moody... sheesh... hmm... well, the next one's in the underwater Baka reactior, at Junior, but FIRST...
Cid: Right... first?
Cait Sith: Yup, we should CHECK ON CLOUD... hint hint...
Everyone: I'm not suspicious in the least.
(*The Breakwind flies to Big-Eel, before Cid runs in to see Cloud and Tifa*)
Cid: Yo *&$%&
Tifa: Hmpf! You-
Cid: Relax Tifa, i was talking to the cab- What the *&$%???
Tifa: Yes... he's turned into a carrot...
Cid: Woah, worrying...
Vincent: Do you feel that?
Tifa: Get your hand OUTTA there...
Cid: Sorry, it slipped...
Vincent: I'm serious... why does no one seem to pay attention to what i say?
Basset: ehy, you guys feel something?
Cid: Now that yo mention it...
Vincent: (*sigh*) i see my point has been made... on the plus side, i can feel superior, knowing i was right...
Tifa: Is it an earthquake?
Doctor: Nah, we're just under attack by some gigantic monster... oh, darn, i guess we'd better get out of here... Uh, nurse, you'd better bring the sponge and the bath... i feel i may need a little medical attention when we get out of this...
Tifa; C'mon Cloud... we're getting out of here...
Cid: We will valiantly clear the way for you...
Basset: (We're gonna leggit, right?)
Cid: (Damnright...)
(*Cid runs out*)
Random Villager, running in small circles: Monster-monster-monster-monster-monster-monster...
Cid: Well... i guess that works about as well as a siren...
Basset: Oh *&%%$&! It's attacking!
(*Fight with 'Ultimate [Yeah-right] Weapon' begins*)
Basset: Right, limits all round lads...
(*After 3 limits, 'Ultimate [Yeah-right] Weapon' skulks off*)
'Ultimate [Yeah-right] Weapon': You're MEAN! I HAVE got a mega-destructive enemy skill... i just don't wanna use it till i die...
Vincent: Yeah, 'cos THAT makes sense...
Basset: Uh... guys? Anyone noticed that the ground is still shaking?
Cid: Run?
Vincent: Indubidubly...
Cid: In-WHAT?
Vincent: (*sigh*) I concur.
Cid: WHAT the *&%$ are you ON?
Basset: And WHERE the ^&*$ didja get it!?
Vincent: (*sigh*) Just run, and i'll buy you a dictionary for christmas...
Cid: Ah, okay then! Hey, do we even GET a Christmas here?
Vincent: Don't know, don't care, just RUN!
(*Cid, Vincent and Basset run*)
Tifa: Tee-Hee... alone at last Cloud... but, i guess we'd probably better flee out otherwise certain doom, huh?
(*Tifa starts running, holding Cloud-The-Carrot in a shopping basket, before the ground cracks up, revealing green ooze*)
Tifa: Uh... maybe not that way...
(*All other ways become blocked*)
Tifa: Damn... oh well... guess this means i get to go down with you Cloud...
(*Cloud-The-Carrot raises an eyebrow, before they become enveloped*)
Tifa: Ooh... it's all black... i can't see anything! Argh! Oh... wait... my eyes are shut... hey Cloud! And... Cloud? And Cloud, and Cloud and... okay, i get the picture...
(*Tifa wanders around, before coming to the first Cloud*)
Tifa: Yo dude...
Cloud: ...
Tifa: Hey, this is my window, you perv!
(*Tifa slaps Cloud*)
Tifa: Hmm... what's goin' on in there?
Tifa's Friend number1: You're going to get WHAT done?
(*The little pointer hand appears hovering, to draw attention to Tifa's chest... or lack thereof*)
Tifa: it's my choice... but i'll try inflatables for a while, to see how it works out...
Tifa: Cloud, stop messing around, this never happened, and they're damnwell REAL!!
All Clouds and Tifa's 2 friends: SURE they are...
Tifa: Look, let's just get this over with, huh?
Cloud(s): Sure...
(*Tifa walks over to the next Cloud*)
Tifa: Ooh! Nibbleheim! Hey, look! It's Bob and Jak again!
(*The scene plays out, before Cloud removes his helmet, as one of the normal Shine-Ra guards*)
Cloud: Hmm... i can't let Tifa know what a failure i am... I know! I'll just stay in this all the time!
Tifa: Hmm... that'd explain it!
(*The scene shifts to at the Baka Reactor, with Cloud baring Tifa's entry*)
Tifa: Ya know, this begs the question: Even if it was a little distorted, why didn't i recognise you at all at the Baka reactor?
(*Cloud takes off the helmet and does a Darth-Vader impression*)
Tifa: Oh,t hat's right! I offered you something for your throat... for some reason, you practically choked then...
Cloud: Actually, i think your wording was more like 'throat candy' or something...
Tifa: Oh, that's right! Well, you've gotta be Cloud, for no real reason that i can think of!
Cloud: Damn, you're right... time to (wait for it) pull myself together...
(*Tifa and Cloud emerge from the Lifestream*)
Basset: Yo dude! You're not a carrot anymore!
Cloud: Yo dude!
Basset: You up for kicking some Shine-Ra ***?
Cloud: Does a Zemzellet &^£$ in the woods?
Basset: Awite!
Cid: Come on, back to the Breakwind!
(*Back on the Breakwind*)
Cloud: Hey guys... and gals!
Everyone: Hey Cloud!
(*Everyone makes the 'buddy' pose at Cloud*)
Cloud: Where to Cait?
Cait Sith: Well, let's see... hmm... i think they're shipping the Chunky Hysteria, which we never got the option to save, from the JUNIOR UNDERWATER REACTOR... HINT HINT...
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
Basset: So, we goin' or what?
Cloud: Hmm... i don't know... I mean, now I'm back, we can breed chocobos, so, what we do is get the Golden Choco, then get the "Over-Powerful-Summon" Hysteria, then we'll kick EVERYTHING'S ***!
Basset: Hmm... now THERE'S an idea! Let's go!
(*The Breakwind departs*)

[Sixteen]

Yay!!!! It continues!!!!

Shana - Someone's been kicking back the caffine

Dart - Well with him playing Kingdom hearts now we have a break... So... Shana what was up with that kiss on the balacony?

Shana - Just showing a little affection. Not like you are really known for that.

dart - Hey I've got around a little bit.

Shana - Right... And Tifa is all natural

Tifa walks out and decks Shana

Tifa - For the last friggin time... THEY ARE REAL!!!!!!

Dart - Real or not...

She glares at him.

Dart - Ummm.... Yeah... So where is cloud?

Tifa - Resurected Aries and off playing Kingdom Hearts. He wants to meet the other version of him and kick his arse for loosing to a kid.

[keated]

lol, more 2 follow soon :)

[Sixteen]

(Thanks. Well I might has well continue this mini story.)

Cloud walks down into the collisum. Aries walking next to him. He looks around and sees Phill. Next to him is the Kingdom Hearts Cloud.

Cloud - You!!! You Fake!!!

KHCloud - Fake???

Cloud - Yeah Fake!!! Look at you!!! you look like Vincent!!!

KHCloud - Well you wheren't has popular has Square thought... So they wanted to combine you with Vincent. Is that Arieth?

Aries walks over and hits him with her staff.

Aries - go ahead and call me Arieth again. Come on and do it.

KHCloud - You're mean!

Cloud - you think that's mean?!

HE pulls out some Materia

Cloud - Ifrit!!!

The huge Demon forms. Fire breathing from its mouth and it consums KHCloud into ashes.

Sephiroth - Well you did my job for me...

Cloud - Sephiroth you're alive???

Sephiroth - Well they have me here in Kingdom Hearts, Going to be in Advent Children (Shameless plug), not to mention that I am in various Dojin. Also had a short run in that action fighting game back on PSX.

Cloud - Yeah I remember....

Aries - Quit thinking about Tifa Cloud...

Cloud - Well....

Aries - Cloud come on... Don't say that you are in love with something so blantly fake...

A rip happens in the time space fabric and Tifa stepps out. She is holding a long mallet.

Tifa - You little B####. THEY ARE REAL!!!!!

She hits Aries over the head and grabs Cloud.

Tifa - You're coming home now!!!

[luciferthedark]

Hi Keated (Buddha)

I'm back and just wanted to say how well your parody is coming along 'really well' and once you've finished I recommend doing FFIX as it was complete s**t (except Vivi who was just cool)

tifa: They're REAL!!!!!

Cloud, Barret, Zombie Aeris, Red XIII, Vincent, Yuffie, Cid, Sephiroth and (for no reason) a mog: Sure they are!!

Mog: Kupoooooo (translation: i like breasts!!)

[zeig zeon]

*Zeig Zeon attaches grapple to top of forum*
Zeig Zeon- Dive! Dive! Dive!
*Zeig Zeon dives off top, catches up with falling post, and attaches grapple, and rides post all the way to the top of the forum.*
Zeig Zeon- Another post saved!

[keated]

lol, sorry, been busy writing a load of other stuff [including my 'split kingdoms, christmas special... great fun...]

you wanna know something worrying? It's SO easy to mis-spell 'busy' as 'busty' that i nearly did, but luckily i notic-

Tifa: WHAT WAS THAT!?!? THEY'RE REAAAAAALLLL!!!!

Everyone else: SURE they are (*wink wink*)

me: talk about a guilty conscience, huh? ;)


[should have more by the end of the x-mas holidays... lol, currently, im deciding when exactly they should go chocco hunting, and how much of it i'll write about ;)]

[Sayaka]

(not part of any short stories, but still worth your time. http://kaori.divadrummer.com/blog/archives/ren-.jpg

[keated]

Originally posted by Sayaka
(not part of any short stories, but still worth your time. http://kaori.divadrummer.com/blog/archives/ren-.jpg

(*blink blink*) huh? [maybe it'd make more sense if i cliked the link... lol... who can say ;)]

[Sayaka]

For some odd reason, your name reminds me of that song by Triumph the Insult Comid dog...

"I keed, I keed"

[Fuuma]

Maybe there should be a fanfiction forum here.... :hmph:

[Vashknives114]

Originally posted by Fuuma
Maybe there should be a fanfiction forum here.... :hmph:
http://www.animenation.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=34

[keated]

Originally posted by Fuuma
Maybe there should be a fanfiction forum here.... :hmph:

heh, hasn't been moved yet ;) and is that the first real complaint about this?

[zeig zeon]

I hope its not moved. If this had started out in fanfiction, I never would've found it. :bawling:
Maybe I should drop by there more often.

[keated]

hmm...

(*subtly points at the other link in his sig*)

hey look! another humour-thing by me, but in the fiction forum! (*look of fake shock*) :look:

nothing wrong with a little self promotion ;)

[keated]

nearly completed the next chapter :) lol...

oh, and i now HAVE kingdom hearts :D lol... [and ffX for that matter... and FF1&2... funny how you find things when you stop looking, huh? lol...]

[and, in a couple of months, after i have substantiated whether my PS2 region free thing WORKS, (by getting 'photon', in Region 1), i shall get the tenchi boxset... lol... but hey, that's enough random waffling for now, back to writing... lol... oh, someone downloaded for me an RPG creator... i intend to create a humour one... i think the main charactors' name will be 'Cliché'... lol...]

[keated]

as promised, here is :D

hope it's up to standard :)





(*The Breakwind departs, and they go up north*)
Basset: Dude, what chocobos are you looking for up here?
Cid: Hey, look, a house...
(*They enter the Chocobo Sage+Onion's house*)
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Gerrout!
Cloud: But, we have travelled afar to-
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Argh! Traveling salesmen!
Tifa: Hey!
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Oh, and woman... one HELLUVA woman, heh heh heh...
Tifa: You're gonna make a comment, aren't you?
Chocobo Sage+Onion (*Innocently*): Who, me? What dya take me for, some pervert or something?
Tifa: Well...
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Humpf... well, jsut for that, I'll forget everything i ever knew...
(*Chocobo Sage+Onion whacks himself repeatedly on the head*)
Chocobo Sage+Onion: There we go!
Cloud: Damn you! Remember something!
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Howabout no?
Cloud: Well, can we just have that chocobo there?
Chocobo: Ey up! Here ya go!
(*Chocobo throws something*)
(*'Received "YET another Anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better" hysteria'*)
Cloud: Uh... did that chocobo just talk?
Chocbo: Who? Me? Nah... uh... Waarrrrk?
Cloud: Oh... that's okay then, i was getting worried for a minute... so, can we, uh, BORROW him? Or her. Afterall, it's not nailed down...
Chocobo Sage+Onion: No.
Cloud: Why not?
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Well... here's the thing... uh... it's just a regular one painted green... OKAY! It's a fake!
Tifa: (DON'T say it! Noo... too late...)
Cloud: Fake?
(*Everyone turns to look at Tifa*)
Tifa: They're real! REALLY real! Really really real!
Everyone Else (including the chocobo, allbeit subtly): SURE they are!
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Hey, if they're real, can i check?
Tifa: No you damned well can NOT!
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Aww...
Cloud: So, you gonna help us, or just keep leering at Tifa?
(*The Chocobo Sage+Onion considers this for a minute*)
Chocobo Sage+Onion: Well, tempting as it may be... ah, if you just keep coming back here, over and over again, maybe I'll remember something?
... 2 weeks (real time) later, after extensively talking with the Chocobo Sage+Onion, [as well as gaining another chocobo-hunting, feeding and riding, they're in the same position, but with a few new pieces of Hysteria*)
(*'Recieved: "Hey, that's SO my move!", "I die, but at least i can cast more!", "Yay, it casts, and again, and again, and AGAIN!", and "Over-Powerful-Summon" Hysterias'*)
Cloud: Time well spent!
Basset: Damn right!
Cid: So, we goin', or we waiting for an invitation?
Vincent: Man, that's SO cliché!
Yuffie: Maybe it got lost in the post?
Cloud: Here's an idea... first, we go get Tifa's best weapon, huh?
Tifa: Sounds good to me!
(*They go back to Bratwurst City*)
Cloud: Hey, anyone seen the key to sector 6?
Guy-In-Doorway: Nah... you're gonna havta dig for it!
Cloud: Fine...
(*5 minutes later*)
Cloud: Screw this... tell me, or we'll set Cait Sith on you!
Guy-In-Doorway: And that's scary why?
Cloud: Because he's annoying and will NOT shut up!
Guy-In-Doorway: Argh! No! Save us, our generic-non-offencive-deity!
Cloud: You surrender then?
Guy-In-Doorway: Yeah, here, take it!
(*Pulls the keycard out of his back pocket, and hands it to Cloud*)
Cloud: Yay!
Cait Sith: Hey, did i hear my name mentioned?
Cloud: Uh... no...
Cait Sith: C'mon! My ears are burning... uh... i mean, WOULD be, if i HAD ears...
Cloud: Uh... no...
Cait Sith: Oh, okay then. I mean, I'm only a spy, it's not like i have hearing devices planted everywhere or something...
Cloud: well, that's okay then!
(*They return to Blingar, pick up the weapon, 'Surprisingly Not Stolen', and then leave, subtly. Okay, they knock down a wall, as they forgot the key once inside... happy now?*)
Cloud: Uh, now, where were we heading?
Cait Sith: Junior, if you remember?
Cloud: Huh?
Cait Sith: JUNIOR UNDERWATER REACTOR... HINT HINT...
Cloud: Oh YEAH! I'm not suspicious in the least...
Everyone Else (*Sweatdrop*): We noticed...
(*The Breakwind lands near Junior, and Cloud, Tifa and Vincent make absolutely no attempt to disguise their passage through Junior, having been through here a lot leveling up.*)
Cloud: Hey Fred, can i get a discount on the door?
Fred: Nope. Still 10 gil.
Cloud: Damn, worth a try...
(*Cloud proceeds to the lift down to the reactor*)
Cloud: I'm surprised there hasn't been an alarm yet.
(*Cloud waits, and then begins impatiantly tapping his foot*)
Cloud: AHEM, i SAID-
Guards: Yeah, we hear ya, we're just drawring straws to see who has to fight you...
Cloud: Couldn't you at least play rock paper scissors?
Guards: Well, we COULD, but, well, you know how it is...
Cloud: Yeah... well, shall we get this over with then? We've got a submarine to catch...
Vincent: And i believe you gentlemen have a funeral to attend...
First guard: Uh... i don't get it...
Second Guard: Well, there was my pet budgie... but that was 6 months ago...
Vincent: I MEANT yours... honestly, no one understands me, and my sense of humour...
First Guard: Damned right...
Second Guard: At least you have a bigger fanbase than Cait Sith...
First Guard: isn't that a sum total of... uh... zero?
(*Tifa, Cloud and Vincent exchange glances, then just walk past the arguing guards*)
Vincent: Is it just me, or is Shine-Ra security appaling?
Cloud: It's just you.
Vincent: Fair enough.
(*Cloud wanders through the undersea passages, and eventually ends up, after several easy battles, in the underwater reactor*)
Cloud: Damn, we're too late... did you really HAVE to tie your shoelaces Vincent?
Vincent: Sorry... but we'd be even later if i'd tripped on them...
Tifa: Heh, if it was Basset or Redex, there'd be a snide comment there...
Cloud: Come on, guess we'd better go save the Hysteria...
(*Cloud goes through, to the submarine port*)
Cloud: Yo Renault!
Renault: Hey Cloud... damn, we're enemies, aren't we?
Cloud (*Innocently*): We are?
Renault: Don't try to get around it! Now, I'm gonna run off, and leave you to fight this big robot, okay with you?
Cloud: Well, why bother?
Renault: Huh?
(*Cloud shows him his newest Hysteria*)

[Sixteen]

That was pretty cool ^_^

Rose (Legend of Dragoons) - Yeah... It was alright.

Shana - Admit it! you like Reeve!

Rose - Do not!

Shana - Do too!!!! I knew that you where into that kind of thing!

Cat Seith - Kind of thing???

Shana - You know she likes plush animals and stuff *hint Hint*

Cat Seith - Really????

A temperal portal opened and Cloud steps out with Aries and Tifa

Cloud - That was weird... Stepping into Kingdom hearts like that At least Sephiroth was kind enough to loan us that kids Key blade.

Tifa - Yeah but did he have to beat that kid like that?

Aries - Teaches the little sucker right! Calling me Arieth!

Tifa - What happened to you?

Aries - Well getting stabbed through the chest can ruin anyone's day!

Cloud - Yeah... Say why was that guy Leon hitting on you?

Aries - I dun know...

She looks all innocent

Shana - I haven't seen anything that Fake since...

Tifa - They're real!!!! For the last time they are real you little B####!

Shana - Ok lets go!

Cat Seith - Hmmm.... I wonder how good of a fight this will be...

Rose - Well... if anything the ratings for our game should go up...

Cat Seith - Why?

Rose - because... Shana is pretty much like Tifa... And she is ummmm... built like her...

Cat Seith - Really?!!! Hey guys!!!! I'm selling Tickets!!!!!

[keated]

hmm, interesting :D lol...

lol, sorry, trying to spread this voer as much time as usual, so i have to do less work on it, as i'm a lazy ***... lol... i GOT the next chapter, im just gonna save it for a while ;)

[Sixteen]

(Well Should i continue to side show?)

[keated]

lol, it's up to you... i should probably post it before the file gets corrupted again though... lol... not a ncie thing when that happens...

well, as always, your verdicts are more than welcome :D



(*Cloud shows him his newest Hysteria*)
Cloud: So, you see, it's pretty pointless, unless you send a Weapon against us...
Renault: Fine... we'll save on the hardware, but can you give us a headstart?
Cloud: Sure!
Renault: Okay, now, turn around, count to 10, and no peeking!
Cloud: Right!
(*Cloud turns and counts to 3*)
Cloud: Uh, Vincent-?
Vincent: Four, Cloud, four.
Cloud: Ah, yeah, right, obviously... just checking... uh...
Vincent: That would be five...
Cloud: Hey, i didn't ask yet...
Vincent: So, you were going to anyway, right?
Cloud: Well, i WAS gonna ask Tifa...
Tifa: It's five!
Cloud: No it's not...
Tifa: What?
Cloud: It's 6... we already had 5!
Tifa: I was answeing the question before!
Cloud: Well, fine then...
Vincent: Look, by the time we've got to 10, Meteor will have hit... can we just go?
Cloud: I said, 10, and-
Vincent: 7-8-9-10, let's go!
Cloud: Fine... Hey, he's gone! It's like magic!
Vincent: Uh... did you notice how many submarines were in here when we arrived?
Cloud: Oh... you mean... they sunk one on their way out? What? Oh well, I'm not suspicious in the least!
(*Vincent and Tifa sigh*)
Tifa and Vincent: We noticed...
Cloud: Hey, Tifa, how'd you like to ride something long, hard and full of seam-
Tifa: Don't say it!
Cloud: Why not?
Tifa: Well... it'll probably raise the age rating or something...
Cloud: So?
Tifa: SO, then less people can buy it, and Square makes less money!
Cloud: I'm STILL not seeing your point here...
Tifa: Well, then they wouldn't be able to make such great graphics, and may have to rely more on plot in later games... ah... nevermind, carry on...
Cloud: Forgotten what i was saying now...
Vincent: We'd better go, or we'll miss the submarine.
Cloud: Yeah, and everyone loves subs.
(*They board the submarine*)
Soldier 1: Oh, it's that dude who told us how to wave a sword around!
Soldier 2: Damn, so it is!
Soldier 1: Damn, we're gonna die in battle, and we never had a victory yet!
Commander: Well, here's your chance!
Soldier 2: Told ya we shoulda levelled up while we had the chance...
Cloud: (*Options*) Ha-ha! Gutted dudes!/ Ah, i can't be bothered to kill them/ Anyone know how to pilot this? (Chose 'Ah, I can't be bothered...')
Soldier 1: Phew... that was close.
Cloud: Just shuddup, and stay still...
Soldier 1: Yessir! Shudding up sir!
Soldier 2: Not a peep sir!
Commander: As quiet as a-
Cloud: Okay, i get the picture...
Vincent: So, Cloud, any idea how to drive this thing?
Cloud: ... Oh! I know! Who needs a manual! Let's just do what you eventually have to do on all games, and just randomly hit everything at once!
Tifa: You mean like on things like Street Fighter to open up special moves?
Cloud: Damned right!
(*The submarine mini-game starts*)
Cloud: There's the red sub! We only have to hit that one, so don't bother with the yellow ones...
Vincent: But, won't they still be able to shoot us, even after we've destroyed the red one?
Cloud: ... your point being?
Vincent: Ah, fine...
Cloud: Man the torpedos!
Tifa: A-HEM!
Cloud: Whoops... heh, no one could look at THOSE and think you're male...
(*Slapping sound from inside sub*)
Cloud: Ow... Fine, Wo-man the torpedos...
(*All the other subs have stopped to watch, and the red submarine gets blown up*)
Tifa, Cloud, and Vincent: Yay!
Vincent: I think it would be a jolly good idea to get back to Junior!
Tifa: Why?
Vincent (*Shrugs*): Seems like a good idea at the time?
Tifa: Ah, gotcha!
(*After nabbing the Chunky Hysteria from the crashed red submarine, Cloud surfaces, and goes to Junior harbour.*)
Cloud: Ye Generic-Non-Offence-Deity, how many times do we need to end up coming through here?
Tifa: Who knows... let's hope this is the last time...
(*Cloud goes up the lift, before running out onto the airstrip for no reason, before a plane takes off*)
Pilot: Nyeh-Nyeh! We're taking this thing to Rocket Town!
(*Co-pilot waves the Chunky Hysteria out of the window*)
Tifa: Damn, i told you we should have sabotaged all the engines...
Cloud: Ah, live and learn... well, let's go to rocket town...
(*Cloud goes back down, and boards the Breakwind, before going to Rocket Town*)
Villager: Hey, look, the Shine-Ra are gonna get the rocket to take off! Hooray for the Shine-Ra!
Cloud: Yeah, great... well, let's go!
(*Cloud runs up, and climbs up the rocket, before Cid taps on his shoulder, halfway up the ladder*)
Cloud: Woah, trying to gimme a heart attack?
Cid: Well, maybe, but if you're going into space, I'm coming too!
Cloud: Werl... okay then! Vincent, Cid's coming along, you're not.
Cid: So tough *&$%!
Vincent: Why me?
Cloud: Well, when ELSE are we gonna get to make comments about Tifa in weightless conditions?
Vincent: Ah, good point! Well, make sure you make a recording for me!
Tifa: Hey!
Cid: What're you complaining about *&%$£?
Vincent: Someone's got a guilty conscience then...
Cloud: Yeah, and we didn't even MENTION the word 'fake'!
Tifa: THEY'RE REAL!
Everyone Else (Including Ford, who's standing at the top of the ladder, and leering down at Tifa): SURE they are!
Vincent: Well, see you chaps, and chapette, later...
Cloud: Sorry, hey, Ford, can ya stay there for a coupla hours, while we level up Cid on the Crashed Girlknicker?
Ford: Sure, I'm not planning on goin' anywhere for a while...
(*Cloud returns, to find Ford and the attack squad in the middle of a game of poker*)
Ford: Hey, Cloud, just gimme a minute, to win back my shirt from that guy over there, huh?
Cloud: Well... okay, as you did us a favour too...
(*Ford regains his shirt, and a very short battle ensues*)
Ford: Oh well, i couldn't see that result coming! See you guys later...
Cid: Woohoo! We get to take off! I've been waiting for years for this chance, and-
Cloud (*In the doorway*): Hey, are you coming?
(*Cid runs after him*)

[Sixteen]

Cat Seith began to count the massive amounts of money for selling the tickets for the Tifa/Shana fight. Rose looked at them. To her suprise Shana wasn't hiding behind Dart like usual. She wondered what was up her sleeve when suddenly Shana whipped out the Silver Dragoon crystal.

Rose (Legend of dragoons) - Well that explains a lot....

Cat Seith - What explains a lot?

Rose - Well... Shana is going to transform...

Cloud about askes into what when Shana transforms. When she does he gets a peek.

Cloud - Oh My Gawd she was nakked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cat seith just got another 1000000 G on tickets.

Rose - Well that clentches it... There will be another LOD game

Aries smacks Cloud on the back of the head.

Aries - And what was all of that talk while we where in my flower garden?!

Cloud - Well ummm...

Aries - you are so dead....

[keated]

okay, hope this one's up to standard :)

lol, sorry it took so long!

wow, i have over 4 posts worth of the deleted scenes... lol... [i decided to check... lol... all amusing, but irrelevant :D lol]




(*Cid runs after him*)
Cid: Right, I'm in charge of this mission!
Speaker: Hello? This is Shine-Ra control... um... you're not taking off, right?
Cid: Yes, we are.
Speaker: Oh dear... you see, I'm just work experience... we weren't expecting to launch today...
Cid: Heh, neither were the pilots!
Speaker: Really? Oh, spiffing! Well, jolly good then!
Cid: Yeah, see ya!
Speaker: Um, what about the countdown?
Cid: Nah, don't worry, i'm perfectly capable of countin' to 10...
Speaker: Woah, well, at least that makes you more qualified than the pilots were were going to send... whenever you're ready!
Cid: Right. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-
Cloud: Wait, don't we have to get strapped in or something?
Cid: Ah, too late... besides, Tifa'll be okay, she's got air-bags.
Tifa: Hey, they are REAL, non-offencive-generic-deity-damnit!
Cloud, Cid, and all at Launch Control: SURE they are!
Tifa: Grr!
Cid: One, right, well, we're off, see ya whenever!
(*Cid presses a big red button, and the rocket takes off*)
Cid: Yay, we're flying!!!
Cloud: Big whoop...
Cid: Hey, show some enthusiasm! I've been waiting for years for this! Uh-oh... here come the Gs...
Cloud (*Being pushed back in seat by force*): Heeeey, shouldn't we ahve, like, trained for this kinda thing?
Cid: Well, probably... but stop being a wuss! I hadn't any, and I'm standing up!
Tifa: Hah, see, even i'm okay!
Cloud: Yeah, well, you've got counterweights...
Cloud: Remember, in space, no one can hear you say 'They're real'
Tifa: Yeah, but no one can hear you say 'Sure they are!' either!
Cloud: Minor point... besides, it's STILL 2 vs 1!
(*Loud slapping noise*)
Cloud: Ow... i'm sure the Gs added extra force to that...
Cid: Hah, stop being such a wuss! Yeah, we all heard about your sprained ankle on the train...
Tifa: Besides, we're not accelerating anymore, and the force exerted is only due to the acceleration, not the speed, and is given by the equation- hey, what's wrong!?
Cloud: Uh...
Cid: How the hell do ya know that?
Tifa: Well, i didn't spend those years of my life JUST guiding people around Mount Nibble... I spent them studying at school, and that was my part time job... i went on to do a physics degree...
Cloud: Huh? You never mentioned that before!
Tifa: Hey, I'm not just a pretty face!
Cloud and Cid: No, you're also a pair of-
(*Both receive a fist in the face*)
Tifa: IF you've stopped drooling, can we go and get the Hysteria?
Alarm: Um... ahem... bleep-bleep? Bleep-bleep? Hello, anyone listening? Bleep-bleep!
Cid: What's wrong?
Alarm: How the heck should i know? I'm just an alarm!
Cid: Hey, look, the tank that Shera was fixing, so i had to scrub the launch broke!
Cloud: Oh, you mean it may have killed you?
Cid: Well, i guess there's THAT... BUT...
Tifa: But what?
Cid: But she coulda damnedwell done a better job of fixing it, damnit!
Cloud: Ah, i see your point...
Cid: Oh well, we should probably bail out...
Cloud: Bail out? Into what? There's kinda a lack of oxygen out there...
Cid: Well, no turd Poirot-
Cloud: Huh?
Cid: Well, i was getting tired of saying 'no *&$% Sherlock'
Cloud: Oh, right...
Cid: Anyway, there's a pod-thing we can take back down to the surface, as this lumpa-junk was never intended to get back to the planet's surface...
Cloud: Well, fine... Tifa, you go for the pod, and get ready to get outta here... Cid and I'll go for the Chunky Hysteria.
Cid: Hey, why me?
Cloud: Well... it's your rocket, you may be of some help!
Cid: Fine... but if i die, I'm blaming you!
Tifa: Okay, i'll get the pod...
(*Cloud and Cid go off to grab the Hysteria*)
Cid: I can't help but think i've forgotten something...
Cloud: Uh, the combination?
Cid: Huh, oh, no, not that... hmm... oh damn, i was intending to make a fuss about not removing the Hysteria, in case it works as a missile, but THEN i was gonna change my mind once we in space...
Cloud: Well, i guess it's understandable forgetting, afterall, we were pretty busy...
Cid: yeah, i guess you're right... anyway...
Cloud: Yeah, so, feel like telling me the combination?
Cid: Yeah, why not, it's [] O X /\
Cloud: What?
Cid: Sorry, Square, Circle, Ex, Triangle.
Cloud: Right... heh, why does no one seem to use numbers in combinations in these locks and stuff? And besides, that looks more like a rectangle.
Cid: Let's not get caught up in little details, and, besides, i think it depends on font...
Cloud: Yeah, well, whatever-
Cid: hey, stick to YOUR lines, don't steal other people's...
Cloud: Pfft, fine... oh well, gottit, let's go!
(*'Recieved "Another Chunky Hysteria"'*)
Cid: I'm with you...
(*Cloud and Cid leggit to the pod*)
Tifa: Can we GO now?
Cloud: yeah, sure...
(*The pod takes off, and Cid looks out of the window*)
Cid: Hey, ya know-
Cloud: [yeah, who's stealing catchphrases NOW, huh?]
Cid: [Shuddup] Ya know, looking down at the world, it's now i realise, how fragile it looks, and, well, now i come to think of it, underpopulated... i mean, how many people actually INHABIT our world? Is it even really with saving really?
Cloud: Nah, but, hey, what the hell... what other excuse have we got to go and kick Bob's ***?
Cid: Um, well, he DID kinda kill Aer-
Tifa: Cloud's right, no reason at all...
Cloud: Oh well... we need something to cussion our impact, when we hit the ground...
Cid: Well, I'd opt for 'sea' personally...
Cloud: Yeah, whatever, but at least we HAVE padding here!
Tifa: Don't even THINK about it!
(*The pod falls back down, and lands in the sea, and they are retrieved by the Breakwind*)
Cid: We're HOME!
Yuffie: Ooh, ooh, didja bring gifts?
Cloud: No.
Yuffie: Aww... [I'll just have to steal me some then... nyuk-nyuk-nyuk... kidding!]
Cloud: [yeah, you'd better be...]
Redex: Hey, i got an idea: Let's go see grandpa!
Basset: Yeah, soudns good to me!
Cloud: Uh... you two just want to visit the candle again, right?
Redex and Basset: [mumble-mumble-mumble]
Tifa: Well, has anyone got a better idea of where to go?
Cait Sith: Ahem...
Tifa: You don't count as an 'anyone'
Cait Sith: You're all so mean!
Cid: Well, Cosmic Canyon it is i guess...
Cloud: Fine... see if i care...
(*The Breakwind takes off for Cosmic Canyon, and lands a little way away*)

[keated]

:-S hmm, i see the read count has gone up, but no one's said what they think... i take that to be a bad sign, and i won't post the next section [which is ready btw :P, and the section beyond is half finished... lol...] until i know what someone thinks, bad or good of this one... you don't have to post if you're embaressed, just send a PM, that'll be enough for me to know what you think...

oh well... whenever anyone's ready for the next part ;)

[Sixteen]

Personally I liked it. Thought that it was well done. And enjoyed the humor in it. Something that a true fan of FFVII would find funny. The way that it seems to be following so close to the game is what really makes it enjoyable.

[keated]

lol, well, i would have settled for a shorter answer [just like 'im reading it, and enjoying it...'] lol... but hey, that makes me feel even better :D lol...

oh well... i'll post the next section later today :D

[keated]

okay, hope you enjoy this one as much as the last ones :)

heh, at this rate, maybe i'll finish disc 2 this week? lol...



(*The Breakwind takes off for Cosmic Canyon, and lands a little way away*)
Cloud: Hey, I'm just wondering... i mean, it's an airship, and i KNOW it has a long enough ropeladder, so why can we only land on the really flat bits of land?
Tifa: You know, I've been wondering that myself...
Vincent: Well, otherwise, what use would chocobos be?
Cloud: Good point, you could get all of those Hysterias as soon as you got the Breakwind...
(*Cloud makes his way to Cosmic Canyon*)
Santa: Ho-ho-ho!
Cloud: Yo-yo-yo!
Santa: hey, feel like a trip to the City og the Ancients, for a laugh?
Cloud: Sure, why not, oh, don't suppose you could look after this Chunky Hysteria for us, could you?
Santa: Sure, come up to my grotto, and I'll sort it out...
Cloud: Right, come on people!
Redex: Um, i think I'll, you know, go talk to people i, uh, know, and, stuff...
Basset (*looking at candle*): Uh, yeah, I'll help you with that...
Cloud: Anyone else? Come on, we're on a mission to save the planet here!
Santa: Well, come on then...
(*Cloud follows, up the the obseratory part*)
Santa: Right, the Chunky Hysteria are here, go have a chat with them...
(*Cloud shakes one, and it growls*)
Cloud: Hmm... this one sounds a little like Bad Mullet...
(*'Received "Bad Mullet - HAIRDO" Hysteria*)
Cloud: Wow...
Tifa: Wow, all the Chunky Hysteria is all so shiney!
Santa: Hey, i got a favour to ask... can ya gimme a lift to the City Og The Ancients?
Cloud: Heh, sure, why not!
(*Cloud walks back down to the entrance*)
Cloud: Come on guys!
Redex: You coming back soon?
Cloud: Uh, probably...
Basset: Tell ya what, pick us up then, okay? Give us a little quality time with the candle...
Cloud: (*sigh*) Sure...
(*Cloud boards the Breakwind, and goes to the City Og The Ancients*)
Santa: Hmm... ho-ho-ho, folow me!
(*Cloud follows Santa around, until he reaches that bit [you know where I'm talking about, if not: PLAY the damned game FIRST, THEN read!] which sticks out*)
Santa: Hmm, i think it needs some kind of key...
Yuffie: Can't i just try to hotwire it?
Santa: No. Hmm... let me try to decipher what this says... something like... 'The key can be found where the sun don't shine...'
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: Hey, i've DONE my bit for innuendo in this!
Santa: Whoops, there's more... 'Underwater, you jackass! What'd you think the sub was for?'
Cloud: Well, there's the Girlknicker, and the Weapon...
Santa: Hey, there's more... 'Yeah, but even WITH those things to do, doesn't it still seem pointless?'
Cloud: What about the FABULOUSLY useless prize from the Battle arena in the Gold Teaset? The Tissues...
Santa: Hmm, i can make aout a little more... 'Think about it... Tifa+Kleenex... does it take a genius?'
Tifa: Does it REALLY say all that?
Santa: Hey, don't argue with the knowledge of the Ancients...
Cloud: Right, so we're going to take the sub, get all wet, and to go to 'Where the sun don't shine'?
Yuffie: Uh... that's 'sub' as in 'submarine', not as in-
Tifa: Look, don't even mention subservience here, we've got enough dodgy innuendos already...
Cloud: Heh, if you think the ones that're included are bad, you should see the deleted scenes...
Tifa: Good point, so, let's just go, before this gets any dodgier...
Cloud: How much worse could it get?
Santa: Hey, you know, i think that, in some way, some of these carvings aren't of real things...
(*Tifa grabs Yuffie and Cloud, before they have time to comment, and runs back to the Breakwind*)
Cloud: Hey, what was that for? I didn't even heard the last thing that Santa said... something about carvings...
Tifa: Huh? Oh, don't worry, let's just GO, okay!?
Cloud: Fine, let's go...
(*The Breakwind lands close to the inlet where the submarine had been left, and, surprisingly, not stolen, vandalised, or even just graphitied, before piloting it underwater, and finding...*)
Tifa: Hey, that place looks pretty dark!
Cloud: Like, the sun doesn't shine there kinda dark?
Tifa: Could be...
Cloud: Argh, i can't see where we're going!
Tifa: Try turning the lights on...
Cloud: Yeah, but how to do that wasn't in the instructions... i know how to fire torpedoes, but not turn on the damned lights...
(*'Recieved "Key To The Ancients" key item'*)
Tifa: Yay, now, let's go back and see Santa!
Vincent: Honestly, this trip was practically not worth it even...
(*Cloud raises the sub, and re-boards the Breakwind, before going back to the City Og The Ancients, and back to where Santa is standing*)
Santa: You took your time...
Cloud: Well, so-rry!
Santa: Now, go stand over there
Cloud: Fine...
(*Cloud goes over, and stands as directed*)
Santa: Now, put the key in.
(*Cloud puts the key in*)
Tifa: Wow, it's a music box!
(*The top of the pillar opens, to reveal a mechanical ballerina, spinning around to some tinny music*)
Santa: Ahem, that's not the important thing! I'm kinda stuck in this waterfall from nowhere... uh...
Cloud: Fine, we'll come get you...
(*Cloud goes back*)
Santa: Hey, look, it's Aeris...
Cloud: Is it a flashback?
Tifa: And where's that music coming from?
Vincent: Hmm... perhaps the production team were running a little behind scedule, so, instead of giving us some new footage, decided to replay an old cutscene?
Tifa: How can you say that, i mean, it's...
Cloud: It's what?
Tifa: Sorry, they never got around to finishing that statement...
Cloud: Oh well, I'm not suspicious in the least...
Tifa, Vincent and Santa: We've noticed...
Santa: Well, it's helpful for ME anyway, as i never saw the original... hmm... hey look, that piece of Hysteria that Aeris was always carrying around in her hair, it fell out! Hmm... and it's glowing... it must be Holey, from the 'Holey Moley' Hysteria!
Tifa: Holy, like sacred and-
Santa: No, as in 'full of plot-holes'
Cloud: Ah... well, what does this mean anyway?
Santa: You're asking me?
Cloud: Um... yes... you're the most likely person to know...
Santa: Well, fair enough... it's probably going to try to stop meteor, however, Bob, who's DEFINATELY on the 'naughty list', and will only be receiving a lump of coal this christmas, is somehow blocking it...
Cloud: Huh? How?
Santa: Just by... uh... being Bob... look, what did i SAY about the name of the Hysteria?
Cloud: Fair point... well... uh... i guess we'll take you home, and then go kick Bob's chuddies, yes?
Vincent: Chuddies?
Cloud: Uh... ***?
Vincent: You know, that's some kind of donkey...
Cloud: Okay, fine: Arse... any objections? No? GOOD! Let's GO!
Cait Sith: Um...
Cloud: Ah, whadda YOU want?
Cait Sith: Um, you know we somehow managed to lose where the Junior Cannon kinda went? Although exactly HOW is-
Cloud: Huh?
Cait Sith: Oh, bugger, did i forget to mention it? Well, anyway, it was missing, and it's turned up in a lsot and found in Blingar...
Cloud: Uh-HUH...
Cait Sith: Anyway, the Shine-Ra are attat... atatch... nailing it to the Baka reactors.
Cloud: So, not like it's my problem.
(*Tifa hits Cloud in the back of the head*)
Tifa: Cloud, get over it, you were suppsoed to act like that through disc 1, you're meant to be all 'ooh, let's go save the world, so i can kick Bob's arse' in this disc!
Cloud: Fine... (*fume, pout*)... so, i guess we're going to have to deal with it then?
Cait Sith: Looks like...
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, and starts towards Blingar*)


<<edit: Oh, and i meant to mention this earlier... thanks everyone for your support, and sixteen, especially thanks for the interesting crossovers... lol... i've played kingdom hearts [not got around to finishing ;)] but not yet found legend of dragoon [i remember i once saw a demo for it, and wanted it then, but couldnt find it then :(] lol, anyway, thanks :) >>

[Sixteen]

Awwww... Thanks... I appreachite it. Well Honestly I love both Final Fantasy and Legend of Dragoons. I just hate that Legend of Dragoons hasn't gotten another game made yet. It shouldn't be a sequial. It should be like FF since it was designed a lot like FFV - FFVII. With the exception of the Dragoon Transformation and being unable to use spells unless they are directly connected to items or Dragoon transformations.... Well on with another edition of "32 bit crossover theater" (Anyone interested in doing a mock serious web comic based on the cross over convos here please contact me.)

The fight between Shana and Tifa had become a bit more violent. Shana since her transformation was shielded by heavy dragoon armor. But Tifa grinned. She dug out her Bolt Phume.

Tifa - Suck Eletric death you rip off queen!

Throwing the bolt Phume Shana was suddenly hit with the strong eletric current. Tifa seemed pleased until Shana shot her arrow in the air and got a full healing from the moon.

Tifa - THat's Aeris Move!!!!

Shana - No that's my move

Tifa - Yeah right, you've stolen the idea for that!

Shana - At least I didn't steal The Silcon for

Tifa - THEY'RE REAL!!!!!

Shana, Rose, Dart, Cloud, Aeris, Cat Seith, Black Mage (Who bough the ticket to see the fight), Squall (Who wanted to get out for a little while), Sephiroth (Who just stopped by to see what was going on), Yuffie, King Albert - Yeah Sure they are...

Finally after a lengthy time of fighting Shana's Dragoon transformation wore off.

Tifa - you're mine now!!!

Shana - But according to this Sense materia...

Tifa - Where did you get that?!

Shana - Ummm... You dropped it...

Tifa - I did not!!!

Shana - yes you did...

Tifa - And.... Where's my belt?!

Shana - You dropped it too....

Tifa Suddenly reaches her limit break which is now at Dolphin kick. She runs at Shana and goes all out on her.

[Fuuma]

Originally posted by keated
heh, hasn't been moved yet ;) and is that the first real complaint about this?
I wasn't complaining.... i was just implying another forum should be made.... but there seems to be one already

[keated]

lol, okay then :)

glad to hear it ;)

[keated]

(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, and starts towards Blingar*)
Weapon: Rar! Rar, i say!
Cloud: Aw man, ANOTHER one?
Basset: Hey, isn't that the one Rufus had a fight with?
Wimpy Weapon: Rar!
Cloud: Well, i guess we can do a better job than him at least...
Cid: So, what're we going to do?
Cloud: Attack from the Breakw-
Cid: Don't even think of hurting my baby!
Cloud: ... Okay, fine, looks like we'll be standing on the ground, and waiting for it to step on us...
Cid: Heh, fine by me...
Cloud: Well, fine!
Cid: Fine!
Cloud: FINE!!
Cid: FINE!!!
Cloud: FI-
Tifa: Look, can we stop the childish bickering? We've got a big wimpy monster to stop!
Cid: Yeah, but we've got to waste some time, because it's going to take it ages to get to the beach...
Cloud: And i can only think of one other way to waste time...
Tifa: Random encounters?
Cloud: Okay, make that 2...
Tifa: Having another one of those 'recap' sessions, where we all sit down, normally at the Cosmic Candle, and reminiss about things that happened 30 minutes ago?
Redex: Hey, if it's down to a vote, i vote for that one!
Cloud: Okay, make that 4 ways in total... bickering, random encounters, the Cosmic Candle, and-
Tifa: A cool cutscene?
Cloud: WERL, i wouldn't REALLY call that wasted time, if it's cool... but we'll add it to the time wasting thing, so that's 5, the bickering, the random encounters, the Cosmic Candle, the cool cutscenes, and-
Tifa: Mini games?
Cloud: Again, i wouldn't REALLY call them wasted time...
Cid: Heh, i would...
Cloud: So, 6: the bickering; the random encounters; the Cosmic Candle; the cool cutscenes; the mini games and-
Tifa: Chocobo breeding?
Cloud: Is that time really wasted, and isn't it a mini game really? I mean, you get some cool hysteria outta it... but hey, let's add it... 7: the bickering; the random encounters; the Cosmic Candle; the cool cutscenes; the mini games; the chocobo breeding; and-
Tifa: Uh... gimme a minute, and I'll think of one...
Cloud: If you take away anything more, you're just going to have the raw plot, which would probably only last a few hours...
Tifa: I know...
Cloud: You're just clutching at straws, and trying to come up with reasons which are fake...
(*Everyone looks at Tifa*)
Tifa: Damn, i knew this was everyone's FAVOURITE way of wasting time... but, incidentally, they're REAL!
Everyone Else: SURE they are!
Cloud: Is that enough wasted time?
Redex: Only one way to find out...
(*The Breakwind lands a LONG way away from the beach, at Cid's request, and Cloud runs over to the beach, in plenty of time to set up deckchairs, and wait for Weapon.*)
Vincent: What's the damned HOLD UP here?
Wimpy Weapon: Oh, sorry old bean, just going for a short stroll, jolly what-ho, eh?
Vincent: Look, there's plenty of time in the afterlife...
Wimpy Weapon: Yes, but, as these are my last minutes, i should take them to savour all of the sights and sounds of our world, and, furthermore-
Cloud: WUSS! You just don't wanna die!
Wimpy Weapon: Now, steady on there old chap-
Cloud (*doing the chicken (well, chocobo) movements with his arm*): Warrrk wark-wark-wark waarrrk!
Wimpy Weapon: Oh, very well then, I'll show you!
(*A fight ensues. Cloud uses "Over-Powerful-Summon" once.*)
Wimpy Weapon: Ow! That hurt! Waah! I'm not playing any more!
(*Wimpy Weapon runs away, so CLoud re-boards the Breakwind. Meanwhile, in the Shine-Ra tower...*)
Rufus: Hey, here's an idea, let's fire that big kickass cannon, to destroy the force-field Bob's put up around his cavern!
Lowdigger: Uh... what about the rampaging Weapon?
Rufus: Well, let's hope he get's in the way, huh?
Lowdigger: Gya-ha-ha!
Rufus: What did i say about that?
(*The cannon fires, with a fairly impressive FMV*)
Wimpy Weapon: Jolly what-ho?
(*Wimpy Weapon fires his entire arsenol - a slingshot - at the Shine-Ra tower. Of course, it's a BIG slingshot...*)
Lowdigger: Uh-oh... um... I'm just, uh, going to the toilet... i'll be RIGHT back...
Rufus: What the heck was that about?
(*Rufus looks out of the window*)
Rufus: Oh SH-
(*The Shine-Ra tower's top floor gets knocked off by the slingshot, just before Wimpy Weapon is shot by the beam.*)
Wimpy Weapon: Oh, i say!
(*Wimpy Weapon falls over backwards*)
Cloud: Uh... we meant for that to happen, right?
Tifa: Uh... yeah... uh... of course...
Cloud: So, um... what now?
Cait Sith: Uh-oh!
Cloud: Oh, just cram it where the ancient key was!
Cait Sith: Huh?
Cloud: (*sigh*) fine... what is it?
Cait Sith: The big gun aint turning off... professor Mojo may be behind it...
Cloud: Sure, whatever... so, who's up for going to kick his ***, for no real reason?
Vincent: Isn't that cruelty to animals?
Cloud: Huh?
Vincent: An '***' is a... oh, nevermind...
Cloud: Well, then it's settled! But, how do we get down there?
Cid: Hey, i know, we'll sue the parachutes, thus, if there's an emergency, we won't all get out alive!
Cloud: Good plan, let's go!
(*The Breakwind hovers above Blingar, before Cloud, and everyone else, parachutes out*)
Cloud: Whee!
Cid: Hey, Tifa, did you remember a parachute?
Tifa: Uh...
Cid: Nevermind, you've got impact protectors...
(*Everyone spins around to look at Tifa, including people in the streets below*)
Tifa: Hey, they're REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!
Everyone in the air: SURE they are!
(*Everyone on the ground hold up a piece of a massive picture which says 'SURE they are!'*)
Tifa: Oh, let's just get down there, and kick some serious behind!
(*Basset lands first, a few minutes before any of the others*)

[Mythril Ayanami]

Ugh..Took so long to read it my eyes burn.

It is good though.

[keated]

lol, glad you think so :)

i think someone tried printing it... they're still at it, several hundred pages later... lol...

oh well, hope you enjoy this next section :)




(*Basset lands first, a few minutes before any of the others*)
Basset: Hi
I'm your weatherman
And have I got news for you
Get ready all you lonely girls [and guys]
And leave those umbrellas at home
Humidity is rising
Barometer is getting low
According to our sources
The street is the place to go
'Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men
It's raining men
Hallejulah
It's raining men
Amen
I'm gonna go out
I'm gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet
It's raining men
Hallejulah
It's raining men
Every specimen
Tall blonde dark and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean
God bless Mother Nature
She's a single person too
She took over heaven
And she did what she had to do
She fought every Angel
And rearranged the sky
So that each mand and woman
Could find the perfect guy
It's raining men
Hallejulah
It's raining men
Amen
It's raining men
Hallelujah
It's raining men
Amen
I …feel…stormy…weather…moving….in
About to begin
feel…the…thunder…don’t…you…lose…your…hea d
Rip off the roof and stay in bed!
God bless Mother Nature
She's a single person too
She took over heaven
And she did what she had to do
She fought every Angel
She rearranged the sky
So that each man and woman
Could find the perfect guy
Ooh it's raining men
Yeah
Cloud (*Just landing*): Uh... Basset... were you just singing?
Basset: Uh, no?
Cloud: Oh, right. Well, let's go!
(*Cloud runs down a dark alleyway, after everyone else.*)
Cait Sith: Hey, if you follow this li'l pipeline, you'll-
Cloud: It's a sewer, isn't it.
Cait Sith: No, it's a train track thingy... don't worry, no trains ever seem to run on it...
Basset: And when they do, they're always late...
Cloud: Oh well... see you guys in a while then...
(*Cloud jumps down*)
Tifa: Hmm, i think we should go thatta way Cloud.
(*Tifa points*)
Cloud: Duly noted!
(*Cloud heads off in teh opposite direction*)
Tifa: Uh, Cloud?
Cloud: Hey, you know what they say about a woman's sense of direction, am i right Vince?
Vincent: Don't drag me down to your level...
(*Cloud walks on a bit*)
Yuffie: Hey guys, uh, you're going the wrong-
Tifa: CLoud's not gonna listen, he's going all macho again...
Yuffie: Oh dear... well, nevermind...
(*Cloud continues on for several passages*)
Tifa: Cloud? Don't you think-
Cloud: Nope.
Vincent: Figures...
(*Cloud continues on for several more passages*)
Tifa: All I'll say is that this had better damnedwell seem like a shorter journey back, when you realise I was right...
Cloud: ...
(*Cloud continues on, for 3 hours, until a dead end*)
Tifa: Hmm... which tone of 'I told you so' should i use? I TOLD you so? IIII told you so? I told you SO?
Vincent: Hmm... I'd say... the-
Cloud: Hang on a minute, what's that!
Tifa: Ooh... shiney... you knew that was down here all the time then?
Cloud: Uh... yeah... something like that...
(*Cloud avoids eye contact*)
(*'Received "Item Cheat" Hysteria'*)
Cloud: Wow, we never have to go shopping again!
Tifa: Nooo! My retail therapy!
Vincent: Well, shall we go back?
Cloud: Sure...
(*Cloud returns to where he started several hours ago*)
Cloud: Now... do i go left, or right? I know, we'll do this the sensible way...
(*Cloud spins around, and then sets off, without opening his eyes. Surprisingly, missing the wall, and going down one of the tunnels. Eventually, they run into some old friends...*)
Ford: HEY! It's Tifa... and Cloud...
Ferrari: Cloud?
Renault: Tifa?
(*All three break out into nosebleeds*)
Vincent: [I can't help but feel slightly unloved... (*sniffle*)]
Cloud: So, you gonna get out of way?
Ferrari: Ye Generic-non-offencive-deity no! You're gonna havta figh-
(*Ford shakes his head*)
Ford: You know, i just can't be arsed...
Renault: I second that motion! Besides, how can we ogle Tifa from the afterlife?
Ferrari: Oh, all right then... maybe we'll see you later Cloud
(*Ferrari winks, before the Greeks walk off*)
Cloud: Uh-HUH... I'm just gonna try and remove that from my mind then...
(*Eventually, they reach the end of the tunnel, and climb up*)

[Mythril Ayanami]

ROFLOL, That reminds me. I was playing SOCOM the other day and I started playing "It's Raining Men" over the headset XD


God, I R0x0r'd their b0x0rs.

[keated]

lol, anyone else feel like replying too? lol :)

oh well, in my oppinion, it's worth it even if only 1 person is reading :)





(*Eventually, they reach the end of the tunnel, and climb up*)
Cloud: Hey, look where we are!
Vincent: Well well well... the old Shine-Ra tower... she hasn't changed a bit... uh... well... except the kidna 'blown up' look on the top couple of floors...
Cloud: Shall we?
Tifa: I Doubt they've had enough time to nail much down...
(*Cloud goes up in the elevator, looking nostalgically at all of the floors*)
Cloud: Hey, the gym floor! This brings back memories...
(*Cloud breaks out into a nosebleed*)
Vincent: Hah, yeah, i heard...
Cloud: Let's go check the locker room, and see if we can swipe anything from in there!
(*Cloud goes back to the locker which, last time they were here, had contained something he hadn't been bothered enough to swipe*)
Vincent: Hey, it's Cait Sith's ultimate weapon!
Tifa (*Innocently*): Where?
Cloud: Right there!
(*Tifa leans on the door, shutting it*)
Tifa: I repeat: WHERE?
Cloud: You know, I'm not sure, do YOU know Vincent?
Vincent: You know what, it's just suddenly slipped my mind...
(*Cloud quickly leaves the Shine-Ra building, grabbing Redex's weapon on the way out.*)
Tifa: Maybe he dropped it...
Cloud: You know, ever since he started using 'Hairpin', i've been wondering... how effective are his weapons, and i mean REALLY?
Vincent: Oh well... shall we just go stop Mojo?
Cloud: Indubitably.
Tifa: Huh? Since when did you know long words?
Cloud: I stole a dictionary/theosaurus from the gift shop...
Tifa: Oh well... i guess it wasn't nailed down then?
Cloud: Actually, it was... but look at it this way - now we got a dictionary/theosaurus AND 4 nails...
Tifa: (*sigh*) Cloud, is the word 'cleptomaniac' in that dictionary?
Cloud: Nope, but the word 'Fake' was...
(*Cloud and Vincent look at each other*)
Tifa: Oh, come ON! What kind of dodgy link is that! You're jsut doing this for attention aren't you.
Cloud: Go on, say it, you know you want to.
Tifa: Shan't.
Vincent: So, you're not DENYING they're fake?
Tifa: Well-
Cloud: Afterall, that's-
(*Cloud pulls out the dictionary, and flicks through for a moment*)
Cloud: -tantamount... to admitting it...
Tifa: Wow, so that dictionary really came in handy, huh?
Vincent: Don't change the subject.
(*Tifa looks about to say it, when she shuts her mouth tight, and shakes her head*)
Cloud: We all KNOW you want to say it...
(*Another shake from Tifa*)
Vincent: Hey, look on the bright side... when she shakes her head like that, the REST of her body moves too, even bits which aren't hers...
Tifa: THEY ARE SO DAMNED REAL!!!!! Oh damn...
Vincent, Cloud, and the half of Blingar which heard her: SURE they are!
Cloud: Wow, i feel better now... let's go back into the sewers/subway, and then go kick Mojo's ***!
(*Cloud emerges nearer the Second-Cousin-Twice-Removed Ray*)
Cloud: Hmm... something's shaking...
Rouge: Hey, look, it's Cloud!
Lowdigger: Gyahahaha! Instead of letting this Anti-Weapon armour get mashed up by a Weapon, let's let Cloud trash it!
Rouge: Hell yeah! Cloud, i named this after you
(*Rouge winks*)
Cloud: Urgh, that's just disturbing!
(*The battle against 'Cloud's Prod' begins*)
Cloud: hey, i got an idea... let's just use you-know-which summon, and mine repeatedly!
Vincent: Good idea! I think i have it equiped...
Cloud: Go for it!
(*Vincent summons Choco-Mog, and gets Fat Chocobo*)
Cloud: Uh... since when has that been the ultimate summon?
Vincent: Since i said so, now mime, damnit!
Cloud: Sure... i guess this'll take more than 30 seconds then...
(*After half an hour of continuous Fat Chocobo, Cloud's Prod is defeated*)
Cloud: Wow, that was fun!
Vincent: Yup, on to Mojo!
Basset: Hey, I wanna bust up that Mofo too!
Vincent: Uh... that's 'Mojo', not 'Mofo', which has a completely different-
Basset: Yeah, like i care... besides, if you go up the ladder without me, you won't get my ultimate weapon... pretty please?
Cloud: Oh... all right then... but you're switching over once we got your weapon, got it?
Basset: Why?
Cloud: Because Tifa and Vincent are on higher levels, as they're nearly always in the group.
Basset: I can understand why Tifa's always in the group... but... why Vincent?
Cloud: Because... hey, you know what... i don't know... Hey, Vincent, why ARE you always in the party?
Vincent: Well... uh... pass?
Cloud: Oh, right... so there IS no reason?
Vincent: Other than me being a damned cool charactor you mean?
Cloud: Yeah... oh well... so, Basset, until we reach the top, then we'll see...
Basset: Yay! Nyeh-Nyeh! (*Basset pokes his tongue out at Vincent*)
Vincent: [Yeah, 'cos someone's mature...]
(*Cloud climbs the tower, the enemies offering next to no resistance*)
Cloud: Phew, hey, look Basset!
Basset: Yeah!
(*'Received "Missing Goal"'*)
Cloud: Now, hoppit, so we can have Vincent back...
Basset: Why?
Cloud: Well, he DOES kinda have a score to settle with Mojo
Basset: Oh, right... well, okay then, i guess... grudgingly....
(*Vincent re-joins the group, before Cloud goes up to the top, and confronts Mojo*)
Vincent: Grr! Lucrecia! Grr!
Mojo: Yeah, groovy baby, YEAH!
Vincent: Grr!
Mojo: Hey, it's the 'not quite human' dude!
Vincent: Grr!
Mojo: Woah, and Tifa! Shagadellic baby, YEAH!
Tifa: No way man... uh... didn't you notice Cloud too?
Mojo: Oh, yeah, nearly forgot... REEEEJECT!!!
Cloud: You're saying I'm not quite up to scratch, not a real clone, a fake even?
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: (*sigh*) I guess it's my fate to be pestered about my ALL NATURAL good fortune for all of my life... THEY'RE REAL!
Everyone else: SURE they are!
Mojo: Well, i feel better now... shall we get this on?
Cloud: Uh...?
Mojo: I mean shall we fight?
Cloud: Why?
Mojo: You mean i have to go through the whole diabolical plan?
Cloud: Yeah, seems like the thing to do... but try to shorten it, or I'll probably fall asleep, like i did when going through the history with Bob...
Mojo: Bob, hmm... yes, it involves him...
Tifa: Wait a sec... how did you go through the Bob thing if...?
Cloud: Okay, i admit it, i sleep-reminisce...
Tifa: Uh-HUH... and whaddya mean it involves him... it's not like this is 20 questions, or charades or something...
Mojo: Hmm... well... maybe it OUGHT to be! okay, here goes!
(*There is a minute of frantic movement*)

[Sixteen]

Rose (Legend of Dragoons) Wow... that was a pretty good post.

Cat Seith - Yeah... Although I still can't believe how much GP I got for that fight.

Rose - Who knew that in the end Tifa would have used that.

In walks Terra from FFIII.

Terra - Used what?

Rose - Oh great... Another poor graphic character... Isn't the black Mage enough?

Terra - Sorry, but he is more powerful than your 32 bit ***.

Rose - That would be the day. I control all of the dark powers assoiated with the Dark Dragons.

Terra - Big woop. He's so powerful that he can shape the very Comos. Reality is just his plaything

Black Mage - Ummmm Well...

Terra - Don't believe me??? Why don't you see what he did to that poor Giant on Final Fantasy Origins

Black Mage - The thing is...

Terra - I don't feel pity for you though... Knowing that your death will be so sudden that you won't have time to feel it.

Black Mage - Excuse me please...

Rose - Sure.

Black Mage walks a little bit with Terra.

Black Mage - What the hell are you doing?!?!

Terra - I was telling her about your hardcore mastery of the dark arts.

Black Mage - You moron!!!! I can only cast one heavy duty spell a day!!!!! and I wasted it on that stupid Giant!!!!

Terra - Why didn't you say something sooner?

Black Mage - Well I'm not fighting her.

Terra - you got to!!!!

Black Mage - Forget it I don't feel like dying!

Terra - But What about everything that I said about your powers?

black Mage - And exactly who's fault was that?

Terra - Look let's not play the blame game. The point is that little 32 bit witch needs put in her place.

Black Mage - Still not going to.

Terra - I'll get you a date with the white mage

Black Mage - Hot digggi damn!!!! Alright I'll do it. Lets see....

He starts rumaning through his sack of tricks and finds nothing. Then he sees Cloud's collection of one time use magic.

Black Mage - I see salvation

Walking over he makes sure that Cloud isnt' watching. He starts digging through the bag and pulls out a couple of M Tenticals, Shrapinal, Fire Vails, and vampire Fangs.

Black Mage - Ok lets do this!

Rose - FIne...

She suddenly transforms into the dark Dragoon and begins using her magic.

Black Mage - Alright try fire 3 mutha!

He tosses the fire vail and it creates fire 3. The effect was nothing.

Rose - I'm in Dragoon Armor idiot! Besides that I have on a Fire Band.

Black Mage - Ok... Poison!

He tosses the M Tenticals. They instantly afflict her with Posion level one. Rose looks at him and performs Astro Drain. The drain sucks him completely empty of MP and half of his Hp is gone.

Black Mage - I am so screwed....

Terra - Is there a super powered master of the arts in the house?!

[keated]

:cheers: heh, at some point, we should work on one together... lol, howabout 8? shouldnt be too much wor-

(*thinks about this*)

that's exactly what i thought before writing the FF7 parody :-| lol...

[Sixteen]

(Accually it sounds like fun. If you want to work on a parody together I'm up for it. Could do FFVIII. It could be fun. ^_^)

[keated]

lol, it should indeed be fun :D lol... if hard work :(



(*There is a minute of frantic movement*)
Cloud: Okay... uh... it's a... it's a... diabolical plot!
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods, before making shooting motions*)
Vincent: Hmm... let's see...
Yuffie: Hey, can we join in?
Cloud: Yeah, but not for the battle... i prefer a threesome...
Tifa: Uh...
Cloud: What? What's the problem? What'd i say?
Tifa: Nevermind... oh, it involves a big gun?
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods, before making sword-swinging actions*)
Vincent: It involves Bob? We already know that!
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods, before making arm-rocking motions*)
Basset: Hmm... a child?
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods*)
Cid: Hmm... first syllable... toilet? W.C.? Loo?
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods*)
Cait Sith: Hmm... children? A playschool? Creche?
Vincent: (Trust HIM to get THAT one...)
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods*)
Tifa: Last syllable... A?
Vincent: Lucrecia?
(*Mojo taps his nose and nods, before pointing at Vincent and grinning*)
Vincent: You ^&^$%%$ *£%&%!! I'm gonna knock your &*%$£*& teeth out!
Mojo: Should i just tell you?
Cloud: Go on then...
Mojo: Okay... you the Daddy, Vincent!
Vincent: HEY! That's only ever vaguely eluded to in the game, and besides, that one-night-stand with Lucrecia was entirely professional...
Cloud: Uh... I'm not suspicious in the least?
Vincent: (Don't ask)
Cloud: (You know, i really don't think i WANT to...)
Mojo: Oh, well, whatever, as i was saying-
Basset: Well, we'll just be off then, okay?
Mojo: Yeah, fine, can i PLEASE get through my evil and diabolical plan without being interrupted again? PLEASE?
Cloud: Sure thing, shoot...
Mojo: Well, I'm going to use this big gun to channel energy directly to Bob... um... yes, i think that's it... oh, and, Vincent?
Vincent: Whadda you want?
Mojo: I just thought you might like to know that Bendover was better than Lucrecia...
Vincent: EWW! You SICK, perverted, necrophillic &*%$£*!
Mojo: Good choice of words...
Vincent: Eww! Eugh... now i'm gonna be stuck with that mental image for weeks, damnit, WEEKS! Hmm... unless i can find something else to fill it...
Cloud: ANYWAY, moving along swiftly... so, you're going to use this cannon?
Mojo: That's right.
Cloud: This cannon, made for destroying Bob? Amoungst other things?
Mojo: Uh-huh, you're point?
Cloud: ... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Everyone else: We've noticed...
Mojo: So, are we going to fight, or should we just have some hippie convention?
Cloud: Well, while i'm cool with the whole 'free love' kinda thing, i think it'd raise the age rating somehow...
Mojo: You're probably right... oh well... prepare to feel my Rath!
Vincent: Pfft, idiot... it's pronounced 'Wroth', whilst being SPELT 'Wrath'...
Mojo: Grr! Don't make fun, it's not a word i get to use very much!
Vincent: I can see why - you can't even SAY it right...
Cloud: (See? THIS is why Vincent comes along with us all the time...)
Tifa: (Whatever you say Cloud...)
Mojo: Oh well, let's get this over with... some of us have an funeral to go to!
Vincent: You mean yours?
Mojo: The same...
Vincent: I don't believe it... the only person who gets my damned sense of humour, and i hate him, he's a necrophilliac, and we're about to kill him... oh well! On the bright side, we ARE about to kill him!
(*Mojo transforms into 'Mega-Prick Mojo'*)
Mega-Prick Mojo: Gwahahahaha!
(*The battle ensues*)
Cloud: Hey, ever heard of 'Over Powerful Summon'?
Mega-Prick Mojo: Um... no?
(*Cloud grins*)
Cloud: Oh GOOD...
(*Seconds later*)
Mega-Prick Mojo: Grr! You gits! Now i ahve to transform again! Do you have any idea how painful it is?
Cloud: Nope...
Mega-Prick Mojo: Well, you should try it some time...
Cloud: Or maybe not...
Mega-Prick Mojo: Or maybe not, i guess... oh well, get used to enemies transforming... it happens a few more times...
Cloud: Yeah, well, whatever you know...
Vincent: (Was that borrowed from 2 other SEPERATE games? He's getting worse you know... oh damn, he's got ME doing it too!)
Tifa: (Well, it's not like this game has such an easy catchphrase to get into conversation... oh damn...)
Cloud: I think you'll find it does...
Mega-Prick Mojo: I'm sure anyone getting to this point will SURELY know what we're talking about...
Tifa: Uh... is it Cloud's one about not being suspicious, when things seem really set up...
Vincent: Set up... or fake?
(*Everyone looks at Tifa*)
Tifa: They're real.
Cloud: That sounded unenthusiastic...
Vincent: You mean like a faked-
Tifa: OKAY! OKAY! To stop him finishing that statement - THEY'RE REAL! HAPPY NOW?!?
Cloud: Yes.
Vincent: Very.
Everone [other than Tifa]: SURE they are!
Tifa: (*sigh*) fine... gimme that Hysteria!
(*Tifa grabs the 'Over Powerful Summon' hysteria, and casts it on Mojo*)
Tifa: Laugh that one off...
(*Vincent and Cloud take a cautious step back*)
Tifa: Well, let's turn off the cannon, and then we're off, right?
Cloud: Yeah, sure... i think we're due a sulk, oh, and remember i promised earlier i'd be nicer to you later? Well, nearly time!
Tifa: YAY!
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind*)
Cloud: Hey guys! I've just made a decision... hmm... let's see... oh yes - ^*%$ off, the lotta ya!
Cid: Huh?
Cloud: Well, maybe i should phrase that more politically correctly... ahem... well, we all THINK we have a noble reason for being here, but-
Basset: You mean like, OOOH, i dunno, saving the world?
Cloud: Well, yes, like that... anyway, i've decided you're all liars, so push off, and find a good reason to be here...
Basset: What the *&%$ are you on Cloud?
Redex: And where can WE get some?
Cloud: Well... okay... Basset, why don't you go visit Marlene, Vincent... uh... i dunno, i think Yuffie's free, perhaps you can do something together, Redex, why don;t you go see your grandpa, Cait Sith?
Tifa: Oh DEAR... we SEEM to have left him in Blingar...
Everyone Else: Oh PITY!
(*Cait Sith, left behind in Blingar, bursts out crying*)

[Sixteen]

Dart - Hey there was another post!

Shana - Why aren't you comforting me Dart???

Dart - Well... Ummm you really didn't comfort me when I got my butt handed to me by Rose...

Shana - you deserved it then!!!

Dart - Ok... Sure... Hey how's rose doing against that Mage guy?

Black Mage - Ummm... Vampire Fang???

He tosses it and gets 10 hp from her.

Black Mage - Alright!!!!

Rose hits him with a seven hit combo from her Dragoon Strenght. It takes 300 hp from him dropping him down to 3.

Black Mage - Ow....

Terra - Eh heh.... Black Mage yuo're not holding up to your end of the deal...

Black Mage - Why don;'t you tell me something useful?

Terra - She's getting out her sword...

Black Mage - Oh great... I got no MP, Almost no Hp... I'm dead... It would take something beyond belief to happen for me to win now.

A voice seems to come from the heavens and a strange voice at that.

?? _ But I didn't do it!!!!!!!

The person lands on Rose's head and knocks her back. A small red armored man stands up.

Fighter - I told that girl that I wasn't look at her just her sword....

Black Mage - Fighter???

Fighter - MAGE!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!

Terra - He really is stupid....

Black Mage - You don't know the half of it.

Rose - Ow...

Dart - Well that was unexpected.

Shana - not to mention incredible lucky.

Cat Seith - Yeah sort of made up kind of luck...

Tifa - FOR THE BLASTED LAST TIME THEY ARE REAL!!!! THEY"RE REALLY REALLY REAL!!!

Cloud, Cat Seith, Terra, Black Mage, Fighter, Rose, Shana, Dart, Kongrol, King Albert, Meru, and everyone else except Tifa - Sure they are!!!!

[keated]

w00t! disc 2 finito! lol... and there were even more 'deleted scenes' than disc 1! lol...

[heh, if i ever get this thing published, you should see about getting yours done too sixteen :D]

well, on to disc 3 then i guess... hmm... when advent children coems out, im gonna havte do that too, aint i? lol...




(*Cait Sith, left behind in Blingar, bursts out crying*)
Cloud: Anyway... you pilots! You don't ahve any social life, and, if yopu do, no one cars, but just go somewhere ELSE, got it?
Yuffie: Anyone get the feeling you're tryng to get the Breakwind to yourself and Tifa?
Cloud: Uh... (*mumble mumble*) Anyway... if you don't feel like coming back, and seriously whooping Bob's rectum-
Basset: (Hmm, i like THAT mental image...)
Cloud: -then don't bother coming back tomorrow morning... Now, just GO! Please!
(*Everyone else leaves, giving just Tifa and Cloud alone*)
Tifa: Cloud... what're you doing with the oxy-accetaline torch any your sword?
Cloud: Uh... im making hysteria slots...
Tifa: Cloud... there's more slots than sword...
Cloud: Oh well... it's not like i needed a sharp edge anyway... i can still bludgeon people... besides, hysteria is heavy...
Yuffie: Heavy huh? Want ME to hold it for you?
Cloud and Tifa: NO!
Cloud: I thought you'd gone?
Yuffie: Fine... well, i'm just trying to help... well, see ya then!
(*Yuffie jumps away*)
Tifa: Alone at last!
Cloud: Yup... now we're alone... can i ask you a personal question?
Tifa: I can see where this is going, and they're REAL!
Cloud: Sure they are... but... i actually anted to ask something else...
Tifa: Really? What?
Cloud: Hah! Gotcha! You thought i actually had some depth! Admit it!
Tifa: (*sigh*)
Cloud: Nyeh-nyeh!
Tifa: Fine... well, shall we just go to sleep together, under the stars?
Cloud: Well, if i thought anyone was coming back to take the *&$% of me for it, then i'd say no... but none of them are coming back... so yeah...
Tifa: Woo-hoo!
(*Cloud and Tifa go to sleep, before waking up*)
Tifa: You know, considering what a big airship it is, there's not many places to actually GO... i mean, why do you think that is?
Cloud: Lazy programmers? But then, what else would you want to do in there?
Tifa: Good point i guess...
Cloud: Well, doesn't look like anyone else is going to turn up, so let's just go kick Bob's ***...
Tifa: (Isn't that cruelty to animals?)
Cloud: (*Sigh*) you know what i mean...
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind*)
Tifa: Hmm... it's dark... isn't the lightswitch on the bridge?
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least...
(*Cloud enters the bridge, and the lights go on*)
Everyone Else: Surprise!
(*Big banners hang up saying 'let's go kick Bob's Chuddies'*)
Cloud: (*Snifle*) Wow guys! I never thought that you'd turn up... hmm... where's Yuffie?... and Vincent?
(*Awkward gazes*)
Cloud: I SAID-
Yuffie: Keep yer hair on!
(*Yuffie jumps down from the rafters*)
Yuffie: I'm here! Ow! Damn, i think i broke my leg!
Cloud: You know, i've always wondered whether that was going to happen one of these days... and do you know where Vincent is?
Yuffie: What're you implying?
Cloud: Uh-
Vincent: It's okay, I'm here!
(*Vincent pops out from a trapdoor in the floor*)
Cloud: Eyah!?
Vincent: Well, you didn't expect me to make a simple entrance, did you?
Cloud: I guess not... Um... so, any particular reason you're late, and arrived at about-
Yuffie and Vincent: No!
Cloud: Okay, just asking, just asking! (Incidentally, did you check you still had all your Hysteria afterwards?)
Yuffie and Vincent: (I'm not quite sure what you're implying...)
Cloud: (Right...)
Redex: Hey, where's Cait Sith?
Tifa: Oh, i don't know...
(*Cait Sith is shown knocked out, and tied to a tree, with one of Tifa's glove marks easily visible in the middle of his head*)
Vincent: Hah, you're not going to try and imply something about that one, right?
Cloud: Don't be sick... anyway, so Cid, are we ready to go?
Pilots: Hey, wait for us!
Cid: What the &£$% are you doing here?
Fully Fledged Pilot: Well, it's not like we HAVE lives to go to you know...
Cid: Fair enough... i think we're about ready..
Cait Sith (In distance): WAIT FOR ME!!!
(*Cait Sith can be seen running towards the Breakwind from the window*)
Cid: Um... yes... definately... but, before we do, can i just pull this lever? I mean, although i built the Breakwind, i have absolutely no idea what this lever does... can i pull it? Please? Pretty please?
Cloud: Yeah, sure.
(*Cid pulls the lever, and all of the propellors fall of*)
Cid: Uh... my bad...
(*However, soon afterwards, little jets come out instead*)
Cid: I, uh, knew that would happen all along! Really!
Tifa: SURE you did...
Cloud: Well, let's g-
Cait Sith: (*huff, wheeze*) I... made.. it...
Everone else: DOH!
Cloud: Well... let's just go then... so, Cid, with these jets, dya reckon we'll move a lot faster?
Cid: Don't be stupid, they just look cooler!
Vincent: Personally, i prefer the propellors...
Cid: Yeah, well, my airship, and i say jets are good!
Vincent: Fine...
Cloud: Are we GOING?
Cid: Sure...
(*The Breakwind starts the... fairly short... journey to the Crater*)
Cloud: Everyone set?
Tifa: Yuffie keeps pushing me!
Basset: Ciiiid, Redex keeps looking at me funny!
Yuffie: Tifa keeps calling me names!
Redex: Are we nearly there yet?
Cid: If you kids don't shut up, I'm gonna turn this thing around, and head STRAIGHT back...

(*End of Disc 2*)

[Mythril Ayanami]

Ther'es been almost 2000 hits I would hope more than 2 or 3 people are reading it.


On another note..

:bday:

Happy Birthday! Somewhere int he world today someone was born 1...2...3...maybe even 5 years ago!
w00t!

[Sixteen]

After Fuming and finally calming down Tifa looked at Rose. She was nursing a large anime style bumb on her head.

Tifa - That was really odd what happened.

Rose - Naw you think?

Tifa - I was just being nice.

Rose - Funny I got the impression that you where being a little evil.

Tifa - Me never no.....

She crosses her fingers behind her back.

Rose - Uh huh... what about when Aeris died you seemed pretty happy about that.

Tifa - Can I help it that I wanted to get Cloud?

Rose - He worth it?

Tifa - He's a fixer uper. I need to spend some more time working on his charm and understanding.

Rose - I would have suggested working on his cluelessness on women.

Tifa looks sort of confused.

Tifa - He's sweet.

Rose - He doesn't have a clue. I mean Dart didn't have much of a clue either, but he became a bit better. Cloud is still clueless to what you need. I mean Dart Kissed Shana at least.

Tifa - I haven't gotten kissed yet...

Rose - See clueless...

Tifa - But Cloud has a cute... I don't think that I can say that here... Might be family rated.

Rose - It it was then Cat Seith would really be introuble already for that slight peep at Shana.

Tifa - True... He's got the cutest butt.

Rose - Ok...

She digs out a little vial of liquid.

Rose - Use this on him.

Tifa - What is it?

Rose - Bewitching. It's a special liquid that monsters use on us making us fall madly in love with them and do whatever they want. I saved it for a rainy day.

Tifa - Give me, Give me, Give me, GIVEMEEEE!!!!!!

Tifa takes the bewitching and runs. She sees Cloud and throws it. however the Bewitching misses cloud and hits Yuffie who just walks in. Yuffie shakes her head and looks straight at Tifa.

Tifa - This can't be good....

Yuffie - Tifa!!!!!!!

She runs to her.

Yuffie - How are you? Do you need a pillow? maybe a back rub? A hot bath????

Tifa - oh god....

[keated]

[um, in case anyone's interested, i AM still here, and working on this, but it generally takes a little to get going on the next disc... lol...]

should be here soon :)

[MightyDustLoop]

(Tifa introducing Cloud to Barret for the first time)

Tifa: That's him.

Barret: That guy selling flowers used to be in Soldier? Looks kinda scrawny to me.

Tifa: ...

Tifa: That's a woman. It's the one with the big sword.

Barret: ...

Barret: That one's even scrawnier. A guy with little arms like that, carrying a big sword? You know he's compensating for something.

Tifa: What's that supposed to mean?

Barret: You know, guys with big weapons, compensating for the lack of size of the ones they were born with.

Tifa: Barret?

Barret: Yeah?

Tifa: Missing arm.

(Barret stares at huge gun where his arm used to be).

Barret: ....

Tifa: ....

Barret: ....

Tifa: ....

Barret: I don't get it.

[omegoku]

come on, i want more....

[keated]

heh, sorry, large quantities of coursework and fieldtrips ahve kinda slowed me down...

but hey, i'm sure i can get 1 done tonight ;)

[keated]

i have delivered ;)


Disc 3


(*Eventually, the Breakwind arrives at the Crater*)
Cid: Last stop, everyone off!
Cloud: But, what if we want to go Weapon Hunting, or grab ultimate stuff, like limit breaks, or-
Cid: Oh, FINE! Pfft, honestly, i don't know why we BOTHERED coming to the Crater first...
Cloud: Well, we just said 'let's go'... you choose the Crater...
Cid: Fine... okay, now, do you remember what i said about reversing out of a dark, deep, dank cavern?
Fully Fledged Pilot: Uh... wasn't it something like 'Damned if i can be buggered to do THAT' or something?
Cid: Ah, you DO remember...
Cloud: Look, just get us out of here... it's not even decorated...
Vincent: Cloud, i don't think ANYONE would-
Cloud: Well, they're halfway through wallpapering that side... with flower wallpaper...
Vincent: !?!?!? (*sigh*) point taken...
Cid: Where to then Cloud?
Cloud: Well... i feel like whooping some major Ultima Weapon Arse...
Cid: Well, there we go then, a direction already!
Cloud: Well, let's go!
(*The Breakwind flies around, before ramming Weapon*)
Weapon: Oh, i say! Stop ramming me from behind like that!
Cid: Basset, get AWAY from the controls... we were going to attack from the FRONT...
Basset: Uh, sorry...
Cloud: Now, before we actually battle, who's gonna hold on to all of the "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysteria, to get the skill?
Vincent: (*sigh*) Guess it's gonna be me...
Cloud: Right, well, let's go!
(*The battle against Ultima Weapon begins, and is over very quickly.*)
Weapon: Oh, i say, take that!
(*Ultima Weapon uses it's final attack, before keeling over dead, leaving a large crater.*)
Tifa: Hey, Cloud, I'm just thinking... shouldn't all this stuff be in the hillarious 'Deleted Scenes'? (*Plug, Plug*)
Cloud: Well, they're not TECHNICALLY part of the main plot, but... most people do this stuff anyway... pfft, i guess you'd be a fool not to!
Tifa: Yeah, you're right i guess Cloud. So, what else are we gonna do out here, before getting Bob?
Cloud: Uh... hey, Vincent, you read the walkthrough, right? I... uh... didn't get too far...
Vincent: You couldn't move your finger fast enough along the words, right?
Cloud: Uh... maybe...
Vincent: (*sigh*) Fine... well... we've got to get everyone's ultimate weapon, everyone's ultimate limit break, and, for a laugh, all the mastered Hysteria we can carry.
Cloud: Oh... so, not really all that much?
Cait Sith: Hey, speaking of ultimate weapons, anyone seen mine around?
Cloud, Vincent and Tifa: Um... noooo...
Cait Sith: Oh, right... hmm... where did i leave it...
Tifa: How about if we find it, we'll put it in the same place as we found the 'Key To The Ancients'?
Cait Sith: Where the sun don't shine?
Tifa: Exactly...
Cait Sith: Uh... you know what, i'll look on my own... i wouldn't want to put you to any trouble afterall...
Tifa: Vincent, you were saying?
Vincent: Well, for the Master Hysteria, we're gonna need... nearly... all of the right type of Hysteria... one of which, i happen to remember, is in the crater... tell you what, we'll leave that 'till last...
Cloud: Sure thing! Well, what now?
Tifa: Anyone feel like going to the Gold Teaset to get Cloud's ultimate limit?
Cloud: I'm in charge, and i say yes!
Vincent: Well, let's away then!
Cloud: Huh?
Tifa: I think he means 'let's go'.
Vincent: Indeed.
Cloud: Well, just SAY so in future, okay?
Vincent: Won't we need a fair amount of GP to win the battle arena thing enough?
Cloud: Yes, but we already have it from all the chocobo races we won on our Gold chocobo... especially using the staminia-refil cheat!
Tifa: I'm sure it's NOT a cheat really! They, uh... just forgot to mention it in the manual, and instructions?
Cloud: Works for me! Let's go! Hey, Cid-
Cid: Yeah, i hear you, bunch of ungrateful little- oh &*%$, is the mike still on?
Cloud: Yes.
Cid: Oh. Well, nevermind!
(*The breakwind lands next to Corral-Reef Village, and Cloud departs*)
Cloud: Hey, why can't we just land on top of the Gold Teaset?
Tifa: Pfft, then we wouldn't get the nice romantic cable-car ride up... i mean, haven't you ever wondered why it doesn't show as much of the journey after the first time?
Cloud: I'm not liking where this is going... but remember, we've got Vincent with us, so-
Basset: 'Ullo.
Cloud: (*Gulp*)... um... where's Vincent?
Basset: Said he dinn't feel like coming...
Cloud: Um... right... well, let's go!
(*Cloud crosses to the ropeway, and goes up, before entering the Battledome*)
Cloud: Hey, any monsters to fight?
Receptionist: Yup.
Cloud: Um... i know you're blonde and all, so'm I, but...
Receptionist: Oh, you want to enter?
Cloud: Couldn't hurt...
Receptionist: (That's what you think...) Well, it's 1 on 1, so you may as well go in.
Cloud: What if i wanted Tifa to go in to shake that jelly? Afterall, they're always giving away tissues...
Tifa: Ew, gross! And anyway: HEY! There's NO Jelly: THEY'RE REEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!! !!!!!
Everyone Else [Including a guy in the batledome, who's reply ends sharply in 'Argh!!']: SURE they are!
Tifa: Just go Cloud...
Cloud: Sure thing!
(*Cloud walks in, and 30 seconds later waltzes out.*)
Cloud: No problem... how many times am i gonna need to do that?
Tifa: Well, considering it's 32,000, and you got 8000... about 4?
Cloud: Sure, whatever...
(*Cloud walks in and out a few more times.*)
Cloud: Yay! Omni-Slash!
Tifa: NOW what do we do?
Cloud [slight groan]: Get W-Summon...
Tifa: Good boy. So, that's about 8 times then.
Cloud: ... sure...
(*Cloud walks in and out 10 more times*)
Cloud: Enough, can we GO now, i'm BORED!
Tifa: Cloud, you're always bored...
Cloud: Guilty...
Basset: What's next?
Cloud: Back to Big-Eel, for that Hysteria we shoulda picked up while we were there!
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, and flies to Big-Eel, before getting out, and going to see the Subtle Shoplifter*)
Tifa: Aww, cute li'l chocobo...
Yuffie: Wow, nice of you two to invite me!
Subtle Shopper: Oh... it's YOU...
Tifa: (I'll try feeding it some Bloody Expensive greens...)
Tiny-White-Chocobo: (I hope you don't expect swan lake for that...)
Subtle Shopper: So, we meet again...
Yuffie: Looks like it...
(*Tumbleweed blows on by*)
Tifa: (Did you just talk?)
Tiny-White-Chocobo: (Of course not! Everyone knows chocobos can't talk!)
Subtle Shoplifter: Whoever can pilfer more from my mobile store is the winner... ready?
Yuffie: Always...
Tifa: (Oh, all right then... hmm... I'll try scratching you... (*Options: Behind the ears- wait... they HAVE ears?/On the back/Under the beak/Under the wings/You-Know-Where...*) [Chose 'Behind the Ears'])
Tiny-White-Chocobo: (Warrrk!)
(*'Recieved "Just Plain Weird" Hysteria'*)
Yuffie: On your marks, get set... YOINK! Go! Go! Go!
(*Yuffie runs off with the entire inventory, with Cloud and Tifa running along behind, before re-boarding the Breakwind*)

[Sixteen]

After the accidental use of Bewitching on Yuffie, Tifa finally convensed the young ninja that she needed a special star shaped fruit that only grew on one island on the other side of the world map. After Yuffie left to get the prized fruit for her bestest Friend Tifa....

Tifa - What am I going to do?

Rose - Well... You know same sex marrages really aren't working right now.

Tifa - I'm not into that!

Rose - Sure you aren't... And those pics...

Tifa - That was one time!!!! I was drunk and in college!

Rose - uh huh...

Tifa - Really!

Rose - Well you could travel into our game, go to the city called logan, find a certain herb and potion seller and get the anti Bewitching.

Tifa - sounds ok...

Rose - Problem is he won't have it. He will have a map that will tell you how to get there. Believe me I tried this before.

Tifa - So what do I do?

Rose - Get Yuffie to commit to a three person relationship.

Tifa - I'm not into that!!!

Rose - Right.... and you don't own stock in the Medical implants.

Tifa - They're REAL!!!!

After hearing the two girls talking Cat Seith gets a video camera and waits inside of Tifa's room. Deciding that things might get interesting when she goes to sleep. and of course he would tape it and then sell it to the "Girls Gone Wild" guys.

[MightyDustLoop]

Note: This will probably be funnier if you read my short entry the page before. If I don't get any comments telling me to continue I'll just spare you guys the BS and not bother with anymore.

(Cloud runs up to Tifa and Barret)

(Cloud staring at Tifa's chest)

Cloud: Hey, have you two see a girl named Tifa Lockheart?

Tifa: Don't you recognize me?

Cloud (still staring at her chest): Oh trust me, I'd recognize those beautiful t-...teeth anywhere. So, uh, where's Tifa?

Tifa:....I'm right here.

Cloud: No way. You're not Tifa. I'd recognize her b-...beautiful face anywhere, and yours is different.

Tifa: No really, I'm Tifa.

Cloud: (points behind Tifa) LOOK, SHINRA!!!

(Tifa turns around)

Tifa: Where? I don't see anything!

(Cloud stares at her ***)

Cloud: I recognize that ***...tute look anywhere! Tifa!!!! Long time no see!!!

Tifa (turns back): Oh! So you recognize me finally!

Cloud: You've certainly grown!

Tifa: That's funny. I could have sworn I was at my full height last time I saw you.

Cloud: ...nevermind, tits nothing. Guess my memory's a little fuzzy cuz I haven't slept in a while. I'll have to get some breast- I mean rest.

Tifa: While we're doing introductions let me introduce you to this man here. His name's Barret.

Cloud: Oh, there's a guy with you?

Tifa: I thought you said "you two" earlier?

Cloud: .....

Cloud: Must be your imagination.

Tifa: Guess so. Anyway, he'll be working with us.

Cloud: Holy crap there's a huge gun attached to his arm!

Barret: Yeah, so?

Cloud: Well, no wonder you're a rebel. You kinda have to be with that thing. How else are you suppose to get on an airplane or in a nice restaurant? It's not gonna happen legally, I'll tell you that much.

Barret: Listen. Can we not talk about my arm?

Cloud: I understand. (turns to Tifa and whispers) This guy is obviously compensating for something.

[keated]

yes, keep posting, both of you! :D it's all good :D

[Sixteen]

Thanks ^_^.

Truthfully mine is just shooting from the hip. I like how it is turning out though. and Mighty Dust Loops is really good. )

[MightyDustLoop]

Thanks but mine really isn't good at all for what I usually do. I re-read mine a couple time's and thought it was pretty lame. I don't do a lot of fanfics but the one's I did before used to go over well. Since I don't want to stop on a bad note though I'll leave with this one.

Sephiroth: Oh man, I am so ****ing lost.

(looks around)

Sephiroth: Am I on the second floor? How in the hell did I get up here?!? Damn it, dragging this long sword around is killing me.

(switches holding arm)

Sephiroth: It has it's advantages though. I look so damn cool with this thing. Man, all the chicks. And everyone's so scared of it I don't even have to fight. They just assume I'm a badass. And man, all the chicks. I don't even know how to use the damn thing! This had to be the greatest idea ever. And man, all the chicks! Damn I get so much pu-

(sword snags rail and Sephiroth falls, sword in hand, right through Aerith)

Sephiroth: Oh SH*T! I hope someone didn't see that!

(From a distance, Cloud and party were watching)

Tifa: OMG!!! He killed Aerith!

Cloud: You bastard!

Barret: Wait a second, are you sure she's dead?!?

Tifa:.....

Tifa: Barret, she just got impaled.

Barret: Yeah, so?

Cloud: So that means I won't get to sleep with her a fifth-

(Tifa glares at him)

Cloud: I mean first time!

Tifa: You can't fool me. I knew those noises weren't her and Barret.

Barret: Wait, he told me it was him and you, Tifa.

Tifa: Oh, it wasn't me.

Cloud: Hey! Don't blame me! I offered!

Tifa: You offered me to join you AND Aerith. What kind of ho do you think I am?!?

Cloud:.......

Cloud: Well, what about that time when I offered in the Golden Saucer?

Tifa: You were just drunk then!

Cloud: HA!!! You can't prove that!

Tifa: You asked Barret first!!! BARRET!!!

Barret: Yeah, man. I remember that. "Nice arm, baby. Is your weapon loaded? Why not try firing it at me?"

Cloud: Haha. Yeah, that was great.

Tifa: And then Barret took it literally and fired it at you.

Barret: Wait, that's not what he meant?

(Cloud and Tifa stare at Barret profoundly)

Cloud: You are far and away the biggest idiot I have ever met. I knew I should have traded you for that chocobo!

Barret: But you're the one that made the offer in the first place!

Cloud: Yeah, and I would have traded you too if that chocobo wasn't golden. I never see golden chocobos around. That SOB had to have been sick as hell to be gold like that and I didn't want to get any venereal....I mean....infectious diseases.

Tifa: Even a chocobo before me? What am I?

Cloud: A last resort. I like it when the female does all the work but you'd probably throw out my spine with those things.

Tifa: Why do you always make fun of my breasts?

Cloud: Moo.

Tifa: AHHHH!!!! No one else makes fun of me!!! Why do you feel the need to?

(Sephiroth shouting from a distance)

Sephiroth: HEY TIFA!!! GOT MILK?!?!

Tifa: Oh that's it!!!! I'm kicking this guy's ***!

Sephiroth: I sure do!

Cloud: That's not milk! That's blood you friggin idiot!!!! You're mine you Aerith killing bastard!

Barret: Can't I just shoot him?

Cloud and Tifa in unison: NO!!!!

Barret: But he's got that long sword? Wouldn't it be safer?

Cloud: Not with your aim. I still remember how our last chocobo died.

Barret: I was aiming for the monster!!!

Cloud: And the chocobo was behind you! I have no idea how you did that but you are NEVER to pull that trigger again unless only Tifa's around.

(Cloud and Tifa running up to Sephy. Cloud trips Tifa)

Tifa: Hey! That hurt!

Cloud: Hahaha. You know it didn't hurt with your dual-side airbags! Sephy's mine!

Sephiroth: Oh, no you don't. It's not your turn to attack yet!

Cloud: What?!?

Sephiroth: Yeah, the last battle we fought, you attacked last. That means it's my turn to attack. You have to let me run away.

Cloud: What in the hell are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense! Why do we have to take turns?!?

Sephiroth: I don't make the rules. I just play by them.

Cloud: You just stabbed a girl in the back. A girl! In the back! When she wasn't looking! What the hell gives you any right to talk about rules?!?

Sephiroth: Fine, let's talk about this.

(EIGHT HOURS LATER)

Cloud: OK, it's agreed. You say the words, then you can run away.

Sephiroth: (sigh) Fine. I have....this....

Cloud: So EVERYONE can hear it!

Sephiroth: I have this long sword because I am compensating for something!!!

Barret: And?

Sephiroth: That something is so small I couldn't possibly have penetrated Aerith in any way without my sword.

Cloud: And the last thing!

Sephiroth: Cloud is everything I've ever wanted to be. He is the coolest soldier of all time and he gets all the chicks. I wish I had been born a Cloud clone instead.

Cloud (to himself): This is by far the greatest moment of my life.

Cloud: Alright, you can go! But you'd better not stab anyone else, ok?

Sephiroth: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

Sephiroth: (to himself) I'm going to obliterate every damn one of you with a meteorite for this.

(Sephiroth leaves)

Tifa: You do realize he's gonna try and destroy the world if you let him go?

Cloud: Let him. My life's officially complete. Nothing here for me anymore.

Tifa: What about me?

Cloud:....yeah....so....uhhh....right now we gotta do something about Aerith's body.

Tifa: But you never answered my-....I guess the dead gets precedence.

Cloud: Oh screw it let's just dump Aerith's body in the river.

Tifa: Can I help?

Cloud: Nah I don't need any floats.

[MightyDustLoop]

Yeah, that's more like my caliber. I recommend everyone read the above post IF they've played FF7. It kinda contains spoilers but why would u be reading FF7 parody if you've never played it anyway.

It's the last and pretty much only legacy I leave to you FF7 fans (since the two before were short and not too funny) and the ungodly amount of fanfics this game has inspired.

No prior reading required, check it out. Looks long but reads fast.

I used to get huge threads at GameFAQS with Guilty Gear ones. I need a new victim.

[Sixteen]

(Nice I likes it. ^_^)

After traveling through various lands and seperate games Yuffie found the legendary star fruit. She smiled has she thought of the gifts Tifa would give her. she promptly lifted the fruit and began a long trip back. Walking through a cave that seemed to lead to this place she found that in truth she was lost. Her ninja senses told her that she needed to climb up an impossibly steep wall, scale down the other side, and that would lead her home. Following her sense she climbed the wall of the cave. Once at full height she found a small opening. Crawling through it she came out near a town that looked like Cloud's home town he descriped.

Yuffie - Strange... I wonder where I am.

Walking out into the light of a nearby sign she saw what appeared to be a slightly altered verson of herself.

Yuffie - What the hell?

KHYuffie - You can't say that here!!

Yuffie - Why can't I say hell?

KHYuffie - Because the king will hear and he will be upset....

Yuffie - This is that wuss place that Cloud talked about huh?

KHYuffie - This is Kingdom Hearts....

Yuffie - They made me into a fully clothed... non trash talking ninja... They shall pay!!!!!

After forcing her Kingdom hearts self to dress a little more like her. She took her altered KH self back to the FFVII world.

KHYuffie - This is strange... What is that smell?

Yuffie - That would be beer...

KHYuffie - Be..er? What is this Be...er?

Yuffie - Come young grasshopper, I have much to show you. Plus you must meet our future life mate Tifa!

[keated]

[i give them 2 thumbs up :cheers: (except i can only get one per post... lol... oh well... i'm back to writing again by the looks of it... it's hard 2 start writing a new disc, but once i'm going... lol...

plus i guess the coursework i'm avoiding probably helps ;) both sets ;)]



Cloud: So, Vincent... where does the walkthrough say we should go next?
Cait Sith: Hey, you're supposed to ask me where to go...
Redex: No one cares... besides, that was only when dealing with the Shine-Ra, and they're pretty much all completely screwed now...
Basset: Yeah, lucky *&£&$%£*&
(*Vincent puts on a pair of reading glasses*)
Tifa: Hey, i didn't know you had glasses!
Cid: Yeah, well, when you live in a dark coffin, i imagine there's not much to get up to at the weekend.
Vincent: I sincerely hope you're not implying what i THINK you're implying?
Yuffie: What're you going on about?
Cid: Wait 'till you're older kid...
Yuffie: AWW, but i wanna know NOW! I know, i can try faking my age... nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
Cloud: Fake?
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: Come ON! This is getting beyond rediculous! But, hey, in any case - They ARE real!
Everyone Else: SURE they are...
(*Everyone winks*)
Cloud: Wow, i feel better now...
Tifa: Yeah, that's right, make fun of me for your own enjoyment and to conceal your own inadequecies...
Cloud: What're-you-implying?
Tifa: Nothing.
Cloud: Oh, well... that's okay then... ahem... so, Vincent?
Vincent: Hold on, hold on...
Cloud: Quit going so slow!
Basset: At least he doesn't need a finger under the words, unlike SOMEONE we know...
Cloud: Hey, that's, uh... that's just to make me LOOK thicker, to confuse the enemy...
Tifa: SURE it is... wow, that felt good...
Cloud: See, now you know WHY we do it... it's more fun as a group though...
Vincent: Ahem, we're going to Barrier-Reef, to go get Basset's ultimate limit...
Cloud: Aww! But... we just got BACK from there, before going to Big-Eel!
Vincent: Hey, don't blame me for the order this thing's in!
Cloud: All right, all right... no need to get like that... sheesh...
Redex: Anyone else find it odd that, although a gigantic meteor is hurtling towards the planet, we don't feel that time is a problem?
(*Everyone looks at each other*)
Everyone Else: Nah...
Redex: Oh, right... just checking...
(*The Breakwind lands next to Barrier-Reef, and Cloud walks in*)
Vincent: Let's be subtle, or someone may want to try to sell it to us...
Cloud: OY! ANYONE SEEN BASSET'S ULTIMATE LIMIT!?!?!?!?
Vincent: (Yeah, REAL subtle Cloud...)
Cloud: (You think so?)
Vincent: (Tell me, has anyone ever tried sarcasm on you?)
Cloud: (Sarcasm?)
Vincent: (Oh, nothing, forget i asked...)
Random Woman: Yep, i have...
Basset: Cool, can i have it?
Random Woman: Sure, my late husband had it, and i jsut kept it as a memento... perhaps you could give me something more fun to do than mope around holding this all day? (*flutter-flutter of eyelids*)
Basset: Uh... we're leaving!
(*Basset makes a run for it, grabbing his limit, and dragging Vincent and Cloud along too, behind, leaving a trail of dust*)
Random Woman: Well, i don't call THAT bloody gratitude...
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind*)
Cloud: What was THAT about Basset?
Basset: Oh, um... i just don't feel comforatable in a relationship with a woman right now...
Cid: Uh-HUH...
Vincent: Hmm... let's see... next... we go back to Panik, and see Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life!
Cloud: Sounds like fun!
(*The Breakwind lands next to Panik, and Cloud departs*)
Tifa: Hey, Cloud, haven't you ever wondered, about why the monsters here are SO much crapper than the stuff we fight later?
Cloud: Well, maybe more people get this far...
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: Maybe there's LOTS of travelers from Blingar, right, and so this area only has a few weedy monsters in it, whereas further out, the monsters have eaten the weary travelers, so there's less of them, so less monsters are killed, so they're all stronger...
Tifa: That's the biggest pile of turd i've heard all day, even from you!
Cloud: Hey, you!
(*Cloud waves at a passing 'Devil Driver'*)
Devil Driver: Um, yeah? Is this gonna be quick? I've got to be at a Harly convention in, like, 20 minutes...
Cloud: Just one question... why're the monsters so weedy around here?
Devil Driver: Hmm, oh, well, let's see... There's lots of travelers from Blingar, right, and so this area only has a few weedy monsters in it, whereas further out, the monsters have eaten the weary travelers, so there's less of them, so less monsters are killed, so they're all stronger...
(*Cloud looks smugly at Tifa*)
Devil Driver: Can i GO now?
Cloud: Sure, i don't need your weedy amount of Experience anyway...
(*Devil Driver drives off*)
Tifa: Don't say it...
Cloud: Say what?
Tifa: You know exactly what i mean, and you're NOT going to say it.
Cloud: What? Oh, you mean 'I TOLD you so!'?
Tifa: That's the one.
Cloud: Well, good thing i didn't really...
Tifa: Although that still doesn't explain the amount of experience you get from the zolom, considering how much stronger than other monsters in the area it is!
Cloud: Yup. Oh well. Shall we go see Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life?
Tifa: Sounds like a plan!
(*Cloud enters Panik, and, after raiding several houses, finds 'Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life'*)
Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life: Hello! Feel like going on a quest for some cool stuff?
Cloud: Uh... sure, why not... i like cool stuff afterall...
Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life: Well, here's the deal... bring me my Map Book, my Hearing Trumpet, and my Toilet Paper, and I'll give you some cool stuff!
Cloud: Sounds cool! Well, see you in a couple of hours...
Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life: See you!
(*Cloud leaves*)
Cloud: Wow, what a nice old geezer!
Tifa: Um... any idea where to start looking?
Cloud: Vincent?
Vincent (*Face burried in a walkthrough*): Yup! Back to the Junior Underwater Reactor! We're going to Morph one of those weird boaty things!
Cloud: Uh?
Vincent (*Sigh*): With the 'Woohoo, Free Items' Hysteria...
Cloud: Oh, right! Got it!
Vincent: I'm glad.
Cloud: It's a key made of stone! Ahahahaha!
Tifa: Um... Cloud... that joke was near the end of Disc 1...
Cloud: Was it? Oh, well... sorry... i guess it's just been att he back of my mind for a while...
Tifa: SURE it has... wow, now I get to overuse it!
Vincent: Don't go mad with power... (*sigh*)
Cloud: Well, back to the Breakwind then!
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, takes a Stroll through Junior Harbour, only getting accosted by lonely sailors 3 times on the whole of his way to the lift to the underwater part*)

[omegoku]

Good stuff, but...
I should be studying.... yeah right!

[omegoku]

COME ONNNNNN....
you cant leave me hangin'..

[keated]

lol, wondered how long until someone posted ;)

[keated]

ok, here we go, more humour, i hope ;)




(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, takes a Stroll through Junior Harbour, only getting accosted by lonely sailors 3 times on the whole of his way to the lift to the underwater part*)
Elevator Operator: Um... hello again... HI Cloud!
Cloud: Um... hi? Feel like going down?
Elevator Operator: I thought you'd never ask... oh, hi Tifa... (Damnit...)
(*Cloud leaves the elevator, and tries to get past the guards, who're still arguing*)
First Guard: Oh come ON!
Second Guard: Just because you're Fascistically drawn towards a Multi-National conglomeration of consumer-based retail industries, in the vain hoeps that one day, YOU'LL be the top tomato!
First Guard: Am not.
Second Guard: Are so.
First Guard: Am not.
Second Guard: Are so.
First Guard: Am not!
Second Guard: Are so!
First Guard: I'm not!
Second Guard: You SO are!
Cloud: Ahem?
First Guard: I bloodywell am NOT!
Second Guard: Admit it, you just are!
Cloud: Um, fellas?
First Guard: What?
Cloud: 2 things... 1) can we get through, and 2) the top tomato is kinda dead.
First Guard: Really?
Second Guard: Must have been too busy arguing to have noticed.
Vincent: Hey, is 'Fascistically' really a word?
Second Guard: Don't think so, but hey - it sounded cool, right?
Vincent: Damned if it didn't!
First Guard: Well, how about we just go and get drunk then?
Second Guard: Indubidubly, old chum.
First Guard: Well, after you then.
Second Guard: No, after you, i insist.
First Guard: No, really, i mean it, YOU first.
Second Guard: No way *&%$-£$*&%! You're moving first!
(*Tifa, Cloud and Vincent sweatdrop, before walking past the two, once again fighting guards*)
Cloud: So, Vincent, what now?
Vincent: Well, you use the Hysteria on the right enemy down here, and you get the Map Book, which'll let you get the 'Waterwings' Hysteria from Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life.
Cloud: Great. Now, which enemy?
Vincent: Uh... hmm... odd... the pages are all wet... there must be a leak in here, all of the ink's run...
Cloud: Damn... well, how many enemies can there BE down here?
(*2 hours later*)
Cloud: Well, that could have been worse...
Tifa: Yeah, right! Every time we found the right one, you got all 'Sword-Happy', and kicked it's *** all the way to the lifestream!
Cloud: I can't help enjoying my work...
Tifa: Yeah RIGHT!
Vincent: Ahem, children, have we finished arguing?
Tifa and Cloud (*groaning slightly*): Yes...
Vincent: Excellent... now, we should get back to Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life.
(*Cloud passes the 2 guards again on the way out.*)
First Guard: We came to an agreement - we go at the same time...
Second Guard: And, just to make sure...
First Guard: We tied our legs together, in answer to your unasked question...
Cloud: Uh-HUH
Vincent: Don't wanna know... let's just go, huh?
(*Cloud goes back to Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life*)
Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life: Ah, wow, a Map Book! Now that i know i won't fall into the sea on my annual walk to just outside my front door, here you go!
(*'Received "Waterwings" Hysteria*)
Cloud: Wow! Now, where next!?
Vincent: Hmm... it's dried out a little now, so, let's see... hmm... well, we could either go fight some big scary monsters, which were only ever included o make the american version harder, or we could go watch a cutscene kinda thing to make Cloud's past a little less hazy...
Tifa: Well, we're invulnerable pretty much, so either of them's an easy option...
Vincent: Heh, except that between the 2 of those monsters, they've probably got about as much HP as everything else we've killed put together...
Cloud: What? Even after all the time we spent leveling up?
Vincent: Yup.
Cloud: Man, that sucks... well, that sounds pretty boring then... let's find out more, about MEEE first, huh?
Tifa: Sure... I'll get the popcorn...
(*Cloud re-boards the Breakwind, and lands outside Nibbleheim, going straight for the Mansion's basement*)
Cloud: Okay... we're in the poorly hidden lab, where now?
Vincent: Well, you see those 2 big test tubes with what looks like algae? Go up and examine them...
Cloud: Fine...
(*Cloud walks over, and reads them*)
Cloud: "Well done for getting captured, you *&^$£&^*^!" "Who're you calling a *&^$£&^*^? You got captured too, idiot!" "Fine, let's just bust out..." hey, there's a stage direction here... 'Wait around, and look at Tifa...'
Tifa: HEY! They're REAL, damnit, and always HAVE been!
Cloud, Vincent, and the writing on the big test tubes: SURE they are...
TIfa: Hmph... i can't believe you actually wrote that Cloud...
Cloud: Believe it... now... where's that cutscene? Ah, here it comes... can i have some popcorn Tifa?
Tifa: After that, you still expect me to give you popcorn?
Cloud: Yes... what's your point?
Tifa: (*sigh*) fine...
(*The flashback starts, with Cloud Narrating*)
Narrating Cloud: Well, after the whole 'Bob goes crazy, and goes to see his mum' thing, Jak and I were KINDA captured, although we fought valiently...
(*In the visual scene, Clout puts up his hands immediately when a gun is pointed at him*)
Cloud: Oh no, please no! I only have like 10 HP!
Narrating Cloud: Anyway, we were taken back, and dumped in these test tube things, where we had to endure unspeakable hardships...
(*In the visual scene, Cloud and Jak are eating a lobster dinner each in their test tubes*)
Narrating Cloud: Until we eventually could take no more, and i decided we needed to escape...
(*In the visual scene, Jak knocks on the side of Cloud's testube, after having already escaped.*)
Jak: Wanna get out?
Cloud: Sure, was damned bored anyway!
Narrating Cloud: Jak had some girl in Blingar, apparently she sold flowers, and had a pink dress... anyway, nevermind, don't even know who she was really... anyway... so we went there, but then, tragedy... Jak was shot, saving my life!
(*In the visual scene, Jak and Cloud run to the edge of a cliff, when Jak gets out the Busted Sword*)
Shine-Ra Soldier: Stop there, or we'll shoot, and do 5Hp of damage!
Jak: Never! We'll fight you all the way, right Cloud? Cloud? Why're you hiding behind me?
Cloud: Hey, i think this guy just insulted your mother!
Shine-Ra Soldier: Damn you, for that, you die!
(*Shine-Ra soldier shoots Jak*)
Cloud: Jak! Nooooo!
Shine-Ra Soldier: Heh, what a wuss, let's just leave him here...
(*Cloud looks up*)
Cloud: They gone? Hey, yahoo, i got me a sword!
Narrating Cloud: And, you see, from there, i just went back to Blingar, and met up with Tifa, at the station, i think she was on the corner...
Tifa: HEY!
(*Tifa slaps Cloud*)

[Sixteen]

(ooooo.... I like this so far ^_^)

Yuffie preceded to show her KH's verson the joys of beer and getting wasted. Unfortunally she forgot to mention that you need to take things in moderation.

KHYuffie - <in a slurred voice> I ever tell you that you are really cute?

Yuffie - Don't be telling him that.

KHYuffie - <in a slurred voice> But he is...

The man smiles has he turns toward them. It's Emperior Doals from Legend of Dragoons

Emperior Doals - You know I am the emperior of an entire kingdom.

Yuffie - since you are an emperior wouldn't it be an empire?

Emperior Doals - Shhhh... Oooo your twins... Me likie!

Yuffie - Sorry but I am only interested in Tifa.

Emperior Doals - Baby I really likie!!!! Ooooo I can see us all... My castle, the four of us...

Yuffie - You're just a dirty old man!

Emperior Doals - A dirty old man with power.

KHYuffie - <In a slurred voice> Besides he's got a cut....

She turns and passes out.

Yuffie - I still have much to teach you young Grasshopper...

[keated]

lol, like what so far? lol...

woah, who changed the site around? :-S

[omegoku]

ah, my regular parody fix...
I feel better now.

[keated]

heh, best post this one before the thread moves onto the next page ;)



(*Tifa slaps Cloud*)
Cloud: And that's the end of my little story... make more sense now?
Vincent: Not really, but hey, nevermind... hey, anyone wanna go kill those monsters now?
Tifa: Sure...
Cloud: Yeah, i guess... don't think there's anything more about me...
(*Cloud shakes the cutscene, as if to get the last few drips out*)
Cloud: Nope... let's GO! Where first?
Vincent: Well, since we got the Waterwings Hysteria, how about the underwater one?
Cloud: Sounds good...
(*Cloud takes the Breakwind back to Junior, and gets into the Sub, parked next to it*)
Cloud: Okay... what now?
Vincent: (*sigh*) start by diving...
Cloud: Do i need to get out for that?
Tifa: (*sigh*) he means going down...
Cloud: What, here?
(*Vincent, Tifa and the captured Shine-Ra soldiers all sigh*)
Vincent: Just make the submarine go underwater Cloud... honestly, everything has to be an innuendo with you!
Cloud: Teehee, innuendo!
Vincent: Do you even know what that MEANS?
Cloud: ... no...
Vincent: (*sigh*) just GO!
(*Cloud makes the sub dive*)
Cloud: What now?
Vincent: You see that BIG thing swimming around? Crash into it, and It'll first take our insurance details, and then try to kill us...
Cloud: Why?
Vincent: Well, it'd be harder to take the insurance details once we're already dead...
Cloud: I mean, why will it try to kill us?
Vincent: You think we're insured?
Cloud: Ah, now it makes more sense...
(*Cloud rams the sub into the back of Emerald Weapon*)
Emerald Weapon: HEY! I'm getting sick and tired of this! That's it, forget the insurance, i wanna rip something apart!
Vincent: You can't do that!
Emerald Weapon: Why not?
Vincent: Well.. we're the heros... so, you know, we're going to have a nice fair fight, and win...
Emerald Weapon: Over my dead body!
Vincent: Exactly!
Emerald Weapon: Not like i'm gonna fight fair anyway i guess...
Cloud: Hey dude - u dont exist!
Emerald Weapon: I blatently do! And what kidna 'dude' has the name 'Emerald'?
Cloud: You dont... not in the Japanese version... besides... I got Over-Powerful Summon and a nice shiny 'Hey, that's SO my move!' Hysteria... and W-summon
Emerald Weapon: Oh, I'll just lie down and die, yeah?
Cloud: Nah, let tifa lift u up with her limit break first for one of those Kodak moments...
Emerald Weapon: Fine...
(*Cloud and Vincent take many photos of Tifa, beating up Emerald Weapon*)
Cloud: Yay, we did it!
(*'Received "Hearing Trumpet"'*)
Cloud: Well, Vincent, where next?
Vincent: Hmm... well... we never went to get MY ultimate weapon, or limit, did we?
Cloud: (*sigh*) fine, where is it?
Vincent: I just mean, since we're in the sub anyway... I'll drive...
(*Vincent takes the controls, and pilots the thing to the circular pond, before the waterfall, before they get out, and enter the cave.*)
Cloud: Hey... is it just me, or... is the lighting in here kinda red?
Vincent: Hmm... Hey, Lucrecia, you in?
Lucrecia: Yes? What's it to be? Quick *&$%, 'Full Service', or 'Bed and Breakfast'?
Vincent: Uh... it's me, Vincent...
Lucrecia: Wow! It's been a while, huh?
(*Lucrecia comes out, wearing tight leather*)
Vincent: Wow, that's SO a better image than Bendover and Mojo goin' at it...
Lucrecia: Grr... Mojo... hey, you wanna shoot him for me Vinnie?
Vincent: Well, he's already dead-... Vinnie?
Lucrecia: Well, you always USED to like-
Vincent (*Quickly and quietly*): Yes, okay, thanks for remembering, but NOT in front of my friends...
(*Tifa and Cloud start s******ing*)
Lucrecia: well, here, have this ultimate Limit break, and weapon anyway... and I'll be seeing YOU when you've won...
(*Lucrecia winks*)
Vincent: Uh, right... yeah... let's GO Cloud...
(*Cloud reboards the sub, before going back to the Breakwind*)
Cloud: She seems nice...
Tifa: Seems to have changed profession...
Vincent: Not really, she's always been doing that as a part time job... anyway, anyone feel like going to kill Ruby Weapon now?
Cloud: Sure...
Vincent: She's supposed to be in the desert, around the Gold Teaset...
(*The Breakwind flies to, and hovers around the Gold Teaset*)
Cloud: Uh... Vincent?
Vincent: It's suppsoed to be here... where is she?
Cloud: I feel so confused...
Tifa: So what else is new?
Vincent: Hmm... i wonder where Ruby Weapon is...?
Cait Sith: -
Basset: Shut up Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: B-but i didn't say anything yet!
Basset: You just did!
Cait Sith: I, uh... i think i have an idea...
(*Minutes later*)
Basset: I didn't know Blingar had a red light district!
Cait Sith: yeah, well, i, uh... i just heard about this place from the Turks, who like to come here a lot...
Everyone Else: Hmm....
Cait Sith: Hey, I'm tellin' the truth!
Everyone Else: SURE you are...
Tifa: [That felt satisfying...]
(*They pass a group of trainee SAILORs*)
Basset: Well HELLO SAILOR!
(*Basset winks*)
SAILORs: ARGH!
(*The SAILORs run for it*)
Basset: Aww... why does this always happen to me?
Cloud: Uh... there there Basset... plenty more fish in the sea...
Cid: Yeah, just reel 'em in with yer rod.
Redex: Eugh! Not a mental image i wanted!
Cloud: So, Cait, which one is it?
Cait Sith: Well, there's only 1 building around here with a door big enough for her to fit in, so YOU figure it out...
Cloud: Okay, i THINK i get this now...
(*Cloud goes around knocking on all the doors, except the obvious one, asking for Ruby, before everyone else sighs, and points to the one he missed*)
Cloud: Oh! I didn't see that one...
(*Cloud knocks on the door*)
Cloud: Hey, you got one called Ruby here?
Doorman: Yeah, we do... hey! Wait a minute, you're the ones who cross-dressed, although i have nothing against THAT, but THEN threatened to mince them, and bite them off! No way are you coming in!
(*The doorman slams the door*)

[omegoku]

YAY! Keep it up!

[omegoku]

why no update?

[floski]

Hello

I've just started reading this parody not too long ago, it took me a couple of days, but I got through the whole thing. I think its absolutely amazing. Keated, you're doing an excellent job and the others that post as well. Keep up the good work. But it worries me that there hasn't been any posts in several months. I kept waiting and waiting, and still no posts. I'm dying here, and I'm sure alot of you guys are too. So, I thought I'd do my part with a little contribution. I don't want to steal your story Keated or anything like that, just thought I'd add to it. I hope you like it. Let me know if you guys do.




(*The doorman slams the door*)
(*Cloud is about to knock again, but Tifa stops him*)
Tifa: Stop, I've got an idea. Let me handle this.
(*Tifa Yells at the door*)
Tifa: Knock, knock
Doorman: Who's there?
Tifa: Justin!
Doorman: Justin??!??!?? Justin who?????
(*Doorman peers out of the keyhole*)
(*Tifa leans really close to the keyhole*)
Tifa: Justin the neighbourhood and thought I'd drop by with the twins.
(*Tifa winks at the doorman*)
Doorman: WHOA! why didn't you just say so??? Come on in.
(*Doorman proceeds to unlock and open the door*)
(*Tifa whispers to the rest*)
Tifa: I can't believe that just worked.
Cloud: See... I knew that investment of yours would come in handy one day.
Tifa: investment???!!!!??? What investment?
Cloud: You know... the twins... how they're adopted and all...
(*Tifa kicks Cloud in the shin*)
(*Cloud hops around on one foot to ease the pain*)
Tifa: THEY'RE REAL YOU JERK!!!
Everyone else including the doorman: SURE they are...
Cloud: Wow, that felt so good to say, that the pain in my shin is all gone.
(*Tifa kicks Cloud in the other shin*)
Cloud: Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy... what was that for?
Tifa: Your other shin got jealous...
Cloud: how could you tell?
Tifa: Ummmm... I dunno... let's just say the Twins told me!
(*they all walk inside*)
Cid: Wow, this place is full of Hot chicks, why didn't you guys bring me here before?
Basset: Too many of them are of the female persuation, if you ask me.
Cid: Yeah, that's the point you momo....
Basset: Yeah... ummm... NO... the point is... there are still too many of them...
Could: Ummm... you can never have too many Hot chicks...
Vincent: Yeah, I think I actually have to agree with Cloud for once.
Basset: This place makes me sick, let's get outta here.
Tifa: Wait, we came to Fight, ugh.. i mean talk to Ruby...
Doorman: Right... I'm not suspicious in the least...
Cloud: Hey! that's my line Jerko!!!
Doorman: well whatever... did u wanna leave Ruby a message.
Tifa: Sure... Tell her that we'll meet her at the usual place...
Doorman: which is where exactly???
(*Cloud raises his right arm to the sky*)
Cloud: Oh, I know, I know! pick me teacher! pick me! I know the answer! pick me!
(*Tifa sighs*)
Tifa: Ok Cloud, where?
Cloud: the Sandy region close to the Gold Teaset.
(*the crowd erupts into cheers and applauds*)
Cloud: Seee... I'm not a dumb-bum after all...
Vincent: Yeah OK, and Tifa's twins are real...
Tifa: THEY ARE THOUGH!!!!!
Everyone else including the doorman: SURE they are!!!!
Doorman: Alrighty then, I'll give Ruby your message. Have a great day!
Everyone: Thanks!
(*Cloud turns to Basset*)
Cloud: So... what now Genius?
Basset: Yo! I dunno, I'm NOT the leader... REMEMBER!
(*Cloud turns to Cid*)
Cloud: So... what now leader?
Cid: Hey, i was only the leader while you and Tifa were in the Loonie Bin!
Tifa: HEy! That's wasnt very nice! First of all, it was the Lifestream, and secondly, I was only there to help Cloud get his sanity back.
Vincent: Yeah, OK. and lemme guess your twins are RE-
(*Tifa quickly puts her hand over Vincent's mouth*)
Tifa: SHUT IT! NOW!
Vincent: MPMHMHPMHPMHMH
(*Tifa lets him go*)
Tifa: Yeah, that's right! Now you know who's boss.
(*Vincent mumbles under his breath*)
vincent: yeah... Whatever
Redex: Ok now children... lets run along... back to the Breakwind shall we?
Basset: who y'all calling children? you're only like 4 years old or sumfin.
Redex: Ummm... that would be 15 years old, Thank you. And its 48 in human years, so there!
(*Redex sticks his tongue out at Basset*)
Basset: Stooopid little mutt...
Cloud: alright, let's go...
(*They start walking back to the Breakwind*)
(*few seconds later, they here a big bang, and the door to the building they were just at flies open*)
(*Ruby is seen running towards them wearing the latest from the victoria's secret catalogue*)
Cait Sith: AHHHHH, its Attacking us from behind! We're all gonna die!!!!
Basset: Really? Yes, finally! ugh... i mean... that's no good...
Ruby Weapon: no... i just wanna ask you something...
Cloud: Really? what do you want?
Ruby Weapon: Was it you guys that left a message for me with the doorman?
Tifa: Yeah, that was us.... why?
Ruby Weapon: Cuz, I'm not supposed to be in the sand by the Gold Teaset until someone kills Ultima Weapon.
(*Vincent raises an eyebrow*)
Vincent: so... what are you trying to tell us?
Ruby Weapon: he's not dead already is he?
Yuffie: Well.... DUH!!! Of course he is. nyuk nyuk nyuk
Ruby Weapon: Oh man!!! Why am I always the last to know these things????!!!!????
Cloud: it happens...
Ruby Weapon: Dammit! I'm going to kill my agent!
Cid: Why is that?
Ruby Weapon: I specifically told him to send a text message to my MP-powered-cell-phone
Vincent: is it Pay-as-you-go?
Ruby Weapon: what's that mean?
Vincent: You know, Prepaid?
Ruby Weapon: hmmm... sounds familiar... keep going....
Vincent: you buy those 10, 25, or 50 Gil phone cards that contain MP powered minutes for your phone.
Ruby Weapon: Oh yeah... no wonder my phone hasn't been working all this time!
Yuffie: Well.... DUH!!! nyuk nyuk nyuk
Ruby Weapon: Ok, I'll see you guys there in a bit.
Tifa: Wait up! One question... what's with the lingerie?
(*Ruby looks down at herself*)
Ruby Weapon: Ahhh... I forgot i was wearing this... I gotta go...
Tifa: Wait! that's a cool looking bra... where'd you get it?
Ruby Weapon: Oh... nowhere special, just the victoria's secret catalogue!
Tifa: OMG!!!! that's soooo cool!!! You'll have to hook me up with the catalogue sometime.
Ruby Weapon: Yeah, sure, but they only sell bra's to people with... you know... REAL B-
Tifa: Oh NO... you did NOT just say that!!!! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!
Ruby Weapon: Uh Oh... I think I'm gonna leave now....
Tifa: THEY'RE REAL DAMMIT!!!!
Everyone including Ruby and the doorman eavesdropping from behind the door: SURE they are!!!!!
(* Ruby starts heading back towards the door*)
(*Tifa looks like she's gonna run after Ruby*)
Tifa: Hold me back guys! Hold Me back!
(*Nobody moves, everyone, just stares blankly at Tifa*)
(*so Tifa stands behind Cait Sith and she pretends like he's holding her back*)
Tifa: Yeah... You're going down Ruby! Maybe not now, but later!
Cloud: Easy there Tifa! don't you worry, we'll get her good.
Tifa: Thanks Cloud!
Cloud: Even though... THAT WAS AN AWESOME LINE RUBY JUST PULLED ON YOU!!!
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: Diss.... and dismissed!!! ha ha ha....
(*Tifa kicks Cloud in the groin*)
Tifa: There, speaking of lines, see if u can walk a straight line from now on.
(*Cloud falls to the ground and into the fetal position*)
Cloud: mphmphmphmphmphmmmmhpmhmpmh
Tifa: Serves you right, i say!!!
(* All the males present grimace and feel Cloud's pain*)
Cid, Vincent, Redex, Basset: Ouch... that must kill...
Cloud: Oh... the stomach pains are kicking in...
Yuffie, Cait Sith: Huh? Stomach pains?
Tifa: yeah, you LIAR!!!! I kicked you in the groin...
Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Redex, and Basset: you wouldn't understand, its a guy thing.
Yuffie, Tifa and Cait Sith: Ok then...
(*Cid and Vincent help Cloud to his feet*)
Cloud: my legs feel like JELLO
(*Cloud crumbles and falls back to the ground*)
Basset: Cloud, I've got some special Baka ointment, did you want me to apply it for you?
Cloud: NO!!! STAY AWAY! I'd rather have them chopped off!
Basset: Fine! see if I ever offer you anything anymore.
Vincent: Just give the poor kid some time...
(* 10 minutes later Vincetn and Cid help Cloud to his feet*)
Cid: There you go buddy, you'll be alright.
Cloud: Thanks guys!
(*Cloud starts wabbling toward the Breakwind*)
cloud: Wow, I think my kids are going to have holes in them.
Tifa: Oh, quit your belly-aching... and lets just get back to the Breakwind.
(*Everybody walks back to the Breakwind and it flies away*)

[floski]

Well... I tried to keep up with the Keated-style humour. I hope I did a decent job. Let me know if you guys enjoyed it. And Keated, I know you're probably busy and such, but yeah, if you need help once in a while to finish up the rest of the FF7 parody, just let me know, I'll be willing to help! That is, if it was good enough. well... thanks for reading, and I hope you all enjoy it!
Thanks again!

[keated]

Well... I tried to keep up with the Keated-style humour. I hope I did a decent job. Let me know if you guys enjoyed it. And Keated, I know you're probably busy and such, but yeah, if you need help once in a while to finish up the rest of the FF7 parody, just let me know, I'll be willing to help! That is, if it was good enough. well... thanks for reading, and I hope you all enjoy it!
Thanks again!

rofl, nice one with the aditional story! :D

lol, with your permission, i'd like to add that one to my little 'deleted scenes' archive... lol

and it was on Haitus, 'cos of exams, and i had work the first 3 days AFTER the exams, and people ahve needed the computer, so no time to do much... nice to know people are still reading ;)

as i said long before, if i wasn't intending to post any more, i'd have posted the 'Deleted Scenes' already... lol... hey, i got a while tonight, i'll try to complete another post :)

i fully intend to finish what i started... (*picks up an oversized pen*)

how else dya expect me to do the victory swing of the pen otherwise? ;)

thanks for the offer though :) [i may take you up on it, if i ever decide to do any of the others... beleive me, it's a little much for one person to handle on their own... lol... i mean, look how long ago i started... rofl

[Sixteen]

I have been negliting to update the secondary story has well... I should try to continue it.

[keated]

[heh, my appologies to anyone still reading this, as it's a little late -_-; ]

(*The doorman slams the door*)
Cid: %$*&! How're we gonna get in there now?
Cait Sith: I have... a very cunning plan...
Vincent: Oh dear...
(*5 minutes, they return, all wearing the all-in-one glasses and moustache sets*)
Vincent: i really don't think this'll work... especially with Tifa... ow! Hey, I'm just SAYING!
Tifa: Cram it, or i'll tread on your foot again...
Vincent: Aww...
(*Cloud knocks on the door*)
Doorman: Welcome Sirs, none of who'm i've ever seen before... except you...
(*The Doorman poitns at Cait Sith*)
Cait Sith: Huh? Oh, what? Me? Aha, no, you must have me confused with someone else, surely...
Doorman: So, you won't want your usual seat?
Cait Sith: Row 3? Oh damn...
Doorman: Aha!
Cait Sith: Well, just let us in... We're here to see Ruby Weapon...
Doorman: Sure... She's in her dressing room...
(*Everyone enters, goes to Ruby's dressing room, and knock on the door, before Ruby Weapon opens the door*)
Ruby Weapon: Oh, it's you again... who're all these with you?
Cait Sith: Aha! We're actually MUDSLIDE, and we're here to kill you, for the good of the planet, so you don't go on a rampage!
Ruby Weapon: Why would i go on a rampage? I'm perfectly happy here...
Cait Sith: Ah... hmm...
Cloud: Well, can we at least have the prize for defeating you?
Ruby Weapon: Huh, oh, sure...
(*'Received "Toilet Tissue"'*)
Vincent: ... probably best NOT to dwell on why she has this, huh?
(*Cloud reboards the Breakwind, and flys back to Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life*)
Cloud: here ya go!
Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life: Cool dude, here, have this crappy Gold Chocobo, and these Mastered Hysterias i kinda found behind the sofa... hey, it happens...
Cloud: Wow, thanks man!
(*'Received "Mastered Hysterias"'*)
Cloud: Okay, WHAT next?
Tifa: Well, we never went to get my final limit...
Cloud: Fine... Vincent?
Vincent: According to the walkthrough, it's in Tifa's piano...
Cloud: What the hell is it doing there?
Vincent: Who knows... oh well... you remember the tune?
Cloud: Tune?
Vincent: The one you played earlier? In the flashback? In Panik?
Cloud: Oooh! THAT tune!
Vincent: Yes, that tune... do you remember it?
Cloud: Um... No.
Vincent: No problem, it's in the walkthrough.
Cloud: Aha! Right, let's go!
(*Cloud reboards the Breakwind, before flying to Panik*)
Vincent: Uh... we were already IN Panik, and, in any case... you were SUPPOSED to go to Nibbleheim!
Cloud: Whoops... be there in a jiffy...
(*Cloud reboards the Breakwind, before going to Nibbleheim*)
Tifa: Right, do i get a word in edgeways now? Good! We're going to get my cool final limitbreak, got it?
Cloud: Woah, that was the plan all along...
Vincent: No need to bust an artery over it...
Cloud: Bust?
Tifa: Oh no, that was awful!
(*Everyone turns to look expectantly at Tifa*)
Tifa: Oh, come ON... you know they're REAL!
Everyone Else: Sure they are!
(*Cloud goes, plays the piano slowly, holding the walkthrough in one hand, meaning there's no overall tune, before leaving with the limitbreak*)
Tifa: Yay! Now i can kick everything's ***! Ahahaha!
Cloud: Well, we were doing pretty well beforehand...
Tifa: Point taken... Well, i've had my moment... where next Vincent?
Vincent: Let's see... says here... The forgotten forrest place... it's kinda one big mini-game...
Tifa: Cool, let's go...
(*Cloud lands the Breakwind near the forest, and enters*)
Cloud: Hmm... bugs, frogs, and man eating plants... fun...
Vincent: Well, at least the Hysteria's pretty good...
Cloud: Okay, let's do this thing... pah, seems like something out of that game, what was it...
Vincent: Pitfall?
Cloud: That's the one!
Tifa (*over the other side*): If you boys are finished playing?
Cloud: Hey, how'd you get over there?
Tifa: Look, press square, and-
Cloud: Square?
Vincent: Press?
Cloud: Hmm, sounds pretty suspicious...
Vincent: And what if it's on PC?
Tifa: How the hell should i know? Anyway, just press it, and then we'll restart, and just follow me...
Cloud: Nah, let's go!
(*Cloud tries to run across the man eating plant, which promptly shuts on him*)
Cloud: Ow... what were you saying about resetting?
Tifa: (*sigh*) Just press it, and follow my lead, got it?
Cloud: Sure.
(*Cloud presses the square button, and then follows Tifa, closely with Vincent, picking up all of the stuff as they pass, until they get to the cave at the end*)
Tifa: okay, WHAT did we learn?
Cloud: Always follow a woman's lead, it saves pain in the long run...
Vincent: Hmm... did we ever pick up the 'I'll Get You Yet' Hysteria, at the Golden Teaset?
Cloud: Not that i remember..."
Vincent: Off we go then...
(*Cloud is dragged back to the breakwind by his ear by Tifa, before they fly to the Golden Teaset*)
Cid: You know, I've often wondered exactly WHY can't we just drop in from the top of the Golden Teaset, rather than, you know, taking that cable-car thingy? I mean, we all KNOW the Breakwind's equiped with a ropeladder and stuff...
Vincent: Ah, it's just the natural order of things... if we didn't have to go through all that to get up there, we'd be more tempted to come down to save, rather than spending the 5 GP up there...
Cid: Ah, suddenly, it all falls into place.
(*Cloud makes his way to the chocobo races*)
Cloud: 'Scuze me, but can i just have the 'I'll Get You Yet' Hysteria? I mean-
Tifa: Cloud?
Cloud: -I COULD get it by racing, but,
Tifa: Cloud!?
Cloud: -since we're trying to save the world from a big falling rock, and so, SHOULD be on a scedule, it'd be nice, if once, just ONCE, we could get something without-
Tifa: CLOUD!
Cloud: Huh? What?
Tifa: Um... that's not the person you'd need to ask about prizes...
Cloud: How dya know it's not the person who gives out prizes?
Tifa: Well... for a start... it's a chocobo...
Chocobo: Indeed... uh, Waark!
Cloud: Oh... Well-
Tifa: No.
Cloud: But it MIGHT-
Tifa: No.
Cloud: But the ones EARLIER-
Tifa: Look, it's a chocobo, a damned stupid, racing bird, right?
Chocobo: Indubidubly. Damn... ahem... Warrk!
Tifa: See? It can't even talk.
Chocobo: Damned stright. bugger... Waaaarrrk!
Cloud: So... no prize then?
Tifa: NO!
Cloud: Oh... well, you can see how i made the mistake...
Tifa: Uh... well, somehow, you managed to get through the door behind Esthar, which was always sealed...
Chocobo: And with good reason... this is where we chocobos relax... have our 5 pm tea, eat chocolate digestives and scones... damnit, i mean - WAAARRRKK!
Tifa: So, let's just go outside, to the betting thing in the middle, and demand a prize there, okay?
Cloud: Okay... Bye guys.
Chocobo: Um... wark?
(*Tifa drags Cloud outside, to the main desk*)

[keated]

I have been negliting to update the secondary story has well... I should try to continue it.

lol, good plan :D

heh, maybe we should all try to get this published together? lol :)

[Sixteen]

(ooooo.... I like this so far ^_^)

Yuffie preceded to show her KH's verson the joys of beer and getting wasted. Unfortunally she forgot to mention that you need to take things in moderation.

KHYuffie - <in a slurred voice> I ever tell you that you are really cute?

Yuffie - Don't be telling him that.

KHYuffie - <in a slurred voice> But he is...

The man smiles has he turns toward them. It's Emperior Doals from Legend of Dragoons

Emperior Doals - You know I am the emperior of an entire kingdom.

Yuffie - since you are an emperior wouldn't it be an empire?

Emperior Doals - Shhhh... Oooo your twins... Me likie!

Yuffie - Sorry but I am only interested in Tifa.

Emperior Doals - Baby I really likie!!!! Ooooo I can see us all... My castle, the four of us...

Yuffie - You're just a dirty old man!

Emperior Doals - A dirty old man with power.

KHYuffie - <In a slurred voice> Besides he's got a cut....

She turns and passes out.

Yuffie - I still have much to teach you young Grasshopper...


<In the FFVII world>
Tifa stood there worring about Yuffie. The girl was in love with her deeply. Still... It was going to make things difficult with Cloud.

Cloud - Tifa... ummm... You look different... I mean is it cold?

She looks down and notices that it looked like she ahd been swiming in ice water.

Tifa - Ummm... No not really. Just worried.

Cloud - Why?

Tifa - Don't think that you would understand.

Cloud was looking a little distracted and she noticed his stare.

Tifa - Cloud now isn't the time for that joke.

he blushed and got up. Out from behind the bushes the sound of Dart Singing could be heard.

Dart - And I love Twins!!!!!

Suddenly he gets a very bad head ache from Shana hitting him in the back of the head with a cartoonish mallet.

[keated]

[lol, everyone loves cartoon-mallets :D]

oh well, i guess posting a couple of things today may not be full compensation, but hey, it's at least partial... lol... [and if anyone likes my style of humour, try reading the other story in my sig... assuming the link works still... lol... if not, PM me, and i'll send you some :P]


(*Tifa drags Cloud outside, to the main desk*)
Tifa: We want a prize, and we don't want any-
Prize-Giving-Person: Sure. Which one?
Tifa: Now lsiten to me, i'm onl- huh?
Prize-Giving-Person: I said which one?
Tifa: We want the breast... oh *%&$! I mean best-
Prize-Giving-Person: Too late for that now... you're just TRYING to draw attention to them now... just 'cos you could afford to get twin-airbags...
Tifa: Hey, those come as standard!
Cloud: (Uh? Too metaphorical for me...)
Tifa: (*Sigh*) I mean - They're REAL!
Cloud: (Oh, right, thanks...)
Everyone Else (including the chocobos from the other room, subtly): SURE they are!
Prize-Giving-Person: Well, i always wanted to say that... so, here ya go...
(*'Received "I'll Get You Yet" Hysteria'*)
Tifa: Yay, shiney! Right... now... hey, where's Vincent?
Cloud: Oh, he decided to stay behind.
Tifa: So... we're... alone?
Cloud: Huh? Oh, no, Cid came down like a shot when he heard we were coming to the race tracks...
Cid: Uh... bad news guys... um... i kinda... lost the Breakwind...
Cloud: You forgot where we parked?
Cid: Werl... uh, it's like this, it was a dead cert, and it NEARLY would have won, if it hadn't been for the fact that it was, well, a DEAD cert... or, to put it another way, a cert, that is now DEAD...
Cloud: Lemme guess... I'm going to ahve to win 36 consecutive chocobo races to buy it back?
Cid: Uh... yeah, against that racer with the black chocobo... whassit...
Cloud: Great. Cid, remind me NEVER to let you race. Please.
(*36 consecutive chocobo races later*)
Cloud: Phew... what a series of adventures... now... back to our reclaimed Breakwind, to plan the next move!
Cid: Sounds good!
(*Cloud returns to the Breakwind*)
Vincent: Phew... had to fight off a horde of Repo-Men...
Tifa: Heh, blame Cid for that...
Cid: My bad... heh...
Yuffie: Hey, can we go and get my final limit now? I mean, it may be pretty useless by comparison to most final limits, but hey, at least we can get "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again" for the other "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysterias...
Cloud: Fine, but this is the last stop-off, right Vincent?
Vincent: Huh? Oh, i think so... tell you what, I'll tell you if we missed anything ocne we get into the crater...
Cloud: Won't that be too late?
Vincent: Nah, not really...
Cloud: Sounds good! To Wutai!
(*The Breakwind takes off, and lands just outside Wutai*)
Yuffie: Okay, I can do this... it'll be just me fighting in the pagoda...
Vinent: Hey, let's take deckchairs, and popcorn!
Yuffie: Pfft, you're supposed to do this halfway through disc 1... each fight isn't gonna last long enough for you to set up those deckchairs.
Vincent: Well, the popcorn's coming, regardless...
Cloud: Cool, as long as you pass some of it this way!
Yuffie: (*Sigh*) Let's just go...
(*Cloud runs up to the pagoda, and enters*)
Yuffie: Yo, Old Man, let's get thsi voer with!
Old Man: I warn you, I'm-
Yuffie: Yadda-yadda-yadda... let's just fight. That's all anyone REALLY wants... Fights, Cutscenes, and Tifa's Silicon Valley
Tifa (outside): Oy! They're REAL!
Everyone Else (including those further up the tower): SURE they are...
Old Man: Heh, that was fun, now, let's fight.
(*Fight ensues, yuffie winning with one hit*)
Yuffie: Well... that was simple.
Old Man: Whaddya expect?
Yuffie: True... next!
(*Cloud goes up a level*)
Yuffie: Hey, kid, get out of the way, i'm gonna have a fight here in a minute...
Kid: Uh... i AM the guy you're fighting.
Yuffie: Well, i guess it can't be easier than the guy downstairs...
(*Yuffie, again, wins in a single hit*)
Yuffie: NEXT!
Kid: Pfft, fine...
(*Cloud goes up a level*)
Yuffie: Yo, old woman, where's my next victi- opponent?
Woman: WHAT? OLD? Damnit, I'll cut you up good for that!
(*Fight ensues, yuffie, for a laugh, casting regen, and sitting abck for a couple of minutes, chatting with Cloud and Vincent, before finishing it in one hit.*)
Woman: Damnit, how could i have lost?
Yuffie: Duh, 'cos i'm like level 99, you're not even level 40...
Woman: Ah... i see your point...
Yuffie: Next...
(*Cloud goes up yet another level*)
Yuffie: So, you're my next opponant, right?
(*Yuffie has a tougher battle, losing a little health, and needing to get 3 attacks in*)
Yuffie: Phew, that was a little harder!
(*Guy walks out of a bathroom*)
Guy: Phew, i SO needed that... uh... why have you KO'd the janitor?
Yuffie: Huh?
Guy: That was the janitor... I'M the guy you're meant to fight...
Yuffie: Oh... um... right!
Guy: This, strangely, on a 5 storeyed building, is the top floor...
Cloud: I'm not suspicious in the least.
Yuffie and Vincent: We've noticed...
Guy: Well, if you'd care to fight against me?
Yuffie: Sure, why not...
(*Again, the fight is over in about 1 second*)
Guy: Wow, you bested me... Hey! Frodo!
(*Frodo walks down from the top floor, slightly out of breath*)
Frodo: Sorry, i overslept slightly...
Yuffie: Dad?
Frodo: Yes, Yuffie, I am the guardian of the 5th level... Omni!
Yuffie: Oh, right. Shall we go up and sort this out? Wait a second, you're always in the house, you never leave, so, how come you got up there before us?
Frodo: Well... there's a ladder at the back...
Yuffie: Ah... seems sensible i guess...
(*Cloud follows Frodo up the final flight of stairs*)
Frodo: I warn you, don't go easy, I'm not going to...
Yuffie: Hah, you mean you're gonna try and kill me?
Frodo: Damned right! Do you know how long i've wanted to give you a damned good hiding?
Yuffie: No, and why didn't you?
Frodo: Huh? Oh, i wasn't allowed to, since they banned parents smacking children all that time ago...
Vincent: Would explain how Bob ended up like he did...
Yuffie: Well, fine, I won't go easy on you either.
Frodo: Good. Let's start.
(*Yuffie casts regen. A few minutes pass, with Yuffie not attacking at all*)
Yuffie: Dad... could you just cast "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again", so i can learn it, then kick your ***?
Frodo: Sure...
(*Frodo uses "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again", before Yuffie takes him down in 2 hits*)

[floski]

rofl, nice one with the aditional story! :D

lol, with your permission, i'd like to add that one to my little 'deleted scenes' archive... lol




Hey Keated!

I'm glad the story is back on track! It's absolutely amazing!
About adding my part to the deleted scenes, go ahead, you have my permission. I'd be honoured to be part of the story in any way possible.
Thanks again and keep up the good work!

[keated]

lol, ok then, thanks :D

have work tomorrow, thursday and friday [and sunday] but i should have had time enough by the end of friday/early satuerday to ahve posted more :)

[keated]

[i promised i'd ahve some by now, and so, here it is :)

wow, looks like i'm pretty close to the end! lol... maybe i can draw out all of the deleted scenes till advent children coems out, so i can start work on that too ;)]



(*Frodo uses "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again", before Yuffie takes him down in 2 hits*)
Yuffie: That was easy...
Frodo: Hey, we're both supposed to be nearly passed out...
Yuffie: Oh, damn, sorry...
(*Yuffie and Frodo both collapse, panting*)
Yuffie: Well, i won... so, gimme!
Frodo: Pfft, fine... here, have this level 4 limit, which i just happen to have lying around, and this shiney marble that i bought from ebay...
(*'Received "Water-Snake" summon Hysteria'*)
Yuffie: Yay!
Frodo: Yeah, you're a good daughter, will make a good leader, etc. etc., yadda-yadda-yadda... now, can you all leave us alone, so we can plot?
(*Everyone else leaves*)
Frodo: Here's the plan... the second they turn their backs after the final battle, swipe the Hysteria.
Yuffie: Sounds good!
(*Yuffie goes back downstairs*)
Yuffie: Okay, I'm ready... shall we go?
Cloud: About time...
(*Cloud returns to the Breakwind.*)
Cloud: Cid - to the crater!
Cid: Again?
Cloud: Again. But THIS time, we're STAYING!
Cid: That's good, 'cos these new engines, although they look cool, don't seem to be any faster, but completly guzzle fuel...
Cloud: We need fuel?
Cid: Well... The Breakwind runs on methane, and thanks to the chocobos we seem to ahve around all the time, we get enough to stay afloat...
Cloud: Great, well... unless anyone has any objections, let's go!
(*The Breakwind flies over to the crater, hovers, and descends*)
Cid: Heh, that's one big hole...
Cloud: Well... let's go... even though this is one of the most dangerous places in the world, i'll only go around with 2 people!
Tifa: Sounds good to me!
(*Cloud goes down the rope ladder, and descends into the crater*)
Cloud: Hmm... dunno if we'll be able tog et back out once we're down... are you sure you want to go down?
Vincent: Wuss.
Cloud: What?
Vincent: Go on, dare you to go down...
Cloud: Hah, and i thought you were the sensible one... right...
(*Cloud climbs down, and ends up skidding halfway*)
Vincent: I am... this way i just have someone to test the ground first...
Cloud: Great... well, shall we continue with my broken leg?
Tifa: Cloud, if everything else we've been through hasn't broken your leg, then that damnedwell hasn't...
Vincent: Besides, they don't have the graphic for a broken leg.
Cloud: What about the wheelchair?
Vincent: I think that'd have to be a little mor severe than jsut a broken leg...
Cloud: Hmm... you're probably right... well... onwards...
(*Cloud continues, grabbing the save-crystal fromt he box*)
Cloud: Hey, Vincent... what's this?
Vincent: That would be a save-crystal... it allows you to save anywhere you want.
Cloud: Really? Anywhere?
Vincent: Yes (*sigh*).
Cloud: Anywhere at all i want?
Vicnent: Well in the crater, yes.
Cloud: Wow, i feel like Generic-Non-Offencive-Deity!
Vincent: This isn't a good development...
Cloud: Muahahahahaha! The power! Anywhere I want! Hey, here's a good spot!
Vincent and Tifa: No! Not ther-
(*Cloud uses the save point not even a foot away from the crate*)
Vincent and Tifa: Nevermind...
Cloud: Hey, we don't need to go back to the Breakwind this way... and considering our level, and the stuff we've got, we're unlikely to NEED to go back...
Vincent: Well, i suppose you COULD be right...
Cloud: Really? WOW! Imagine... me... right!
Tifa: Don't get too carried away... come on, move yourself!
Cloud: Yes miss...
(*Cloud continues down, making short work of everything on the way down, and inwards, until...*)
Cloud: Hey, a cute li'l green turltle thing... hey li'l fella, come to show us the way with that lantern? Ooh, you're so cute, yes you are, yes oo are!
Vincent (*behind rock*): Uh, Cloud... i think you should step AWAY from the Master Tunberry... slowly.
Cloud: Huh? Why?
Vincent: In his OTHER hand, you may notice a knife... that's NOT for cutting the welcome cake, let me tell you!
Master Tunberry: Hey, how do you know?
Vincent: Huh? Well, in the walkthrough it says-
Master Tunberry: Oh, walkthrough THIS, and walkthrough THAT... is it too much to get on with something yourself?
Vincent: Well...
Master Tunberry: Can i see that...
(*Master Tunberry takes and reads the walkthrough*)
Master Tunberry: Ah, here we go... Tunberries... 'annihilate with extreme prejudice, or run away'... well, that's CHARMING, isn't it...
Vincent: Well, i didn't write the book...
Master Tunberry: So, how come it's got your name on it?
Vincent: Uh... i wrote my name on to avoid it getting mixed up with everyone else's
Master Tunberry: Ah, right, gotcha... so, which is going to be? Annhiliation, or running?
(*Minutes later*)
Vincent: 2 things Cloud... 1) I told to equip SOMEONE with the Safety Bit... and 2) i TOLD you to make the savepoint further down!
Cloud: Well, SOR-RY!
Master Tunberry: Ah, back for more?
Cloud: You know, i think we'll go with the alternative option now.
Vincent: What was that?
Cloud: RUN!
(*Begin a comedy chase scene, involving the tonberry chasing all 3 of them, through a series of open tunnels, getting mixed up in the middle, and eventually running down the middle in the right order*)
Cloud: Phew... i think we lost him... wait...
Vincent: Right... now, hey look, the path splits, and by coincidence, everyone else is here... maybe HERE would have been a good spot for a save point, huh Cloud?
Cloud: I stand by my desicion.
Vincent: Fine, if you say so...
(*Cloud crawls down to everyone else*)
Cloud: Right... well... we three will go this way, and you lot go that way...
Basset: But, surely we should all stick together?
Cloud: Nah, there's no danger... afterall, we'll be the only ones to get into combat down here, and we'll all meet up again when the paths cross again...
Basset: Ah, i see... so, we're actually safer NOT goign with you?
Cloud: Yup.
Basset: Phew, THAT'S good news! Well, cya!
(*Everyone else runs off*)
Cloud: Well just you two and me now...
Vincent: So, what else is new.
Cloud: Not much. Oh well... let's go!
(*Cloud takes a gentle stroll down his route, easily defeating everything in his path*)
Cloud: Wow, that was easy... and YET, they're STILL here before us!
Vincent: It does boggle the mind somewhat, doesn't it.
Cloud: Oh well, who cares, they brought presents!
Basset: Yeah, we even wrapped them, see?
Cloud: Uh... such nice... pink... wrapping paper... and a pink... frilly... bow... uh... i don't know what to say...
Basset: Well, try 'Thankyou'
Cloud: Okay, Thankyou.
Yuffie: I got a better one - 'Let's go kick Bob's ***!'
Cloud: What'd the poor mule ever do to you?
Vincent: No, no, no, as in 'arse'
Cloud: Oh, OH! Right! I getcha!
Tifa: Lemme guess... you, me, and Vincent, right?
Vincent: (Any reason I'm last? Maybe just because you'd rather if i wasn't there?)
Tifa: (Damned right!)
Vincent: (Fair enough...)
Cloud: Yup, let's go!
(*Cloud goes down the spiral staircase*)

[Mythril Ayanami]

Mmmm next they get to jump onto mysteriously anti gravitational shiny floating blocks and fight Jenov aSynthesis which is defeated in one hit =X

Don't forget to mention "The army of monsters also jumping up but cannot be seen on the screen although the other characters mention them" =x

[keated]

lol, you sure they're not... hmm... muahahahahaha, that's given me a nasty idea, thanks :D

[keated]

sorry it's taken me so long to post a new part... been busy, with my 'part time' job... HAH!... and exam results, Uni placements, and what-not...

plus, i guess maybe some part of my mind doesn't want me to finish... 'cos then the enjoyable process of writing it would be over... or WOULD it... ;)

[at the end, i guess i may post something original, based on my parody... lol... if i get around 2 it ;)]

i think 1 more post after this should probably do it, and then onto the deleted scenes, and, if i do it, the original thing too ;)

anyway, i've kept you all waiting long enough ;)





(*Cloud goes down the spiral staircase*)
Bendover-Synthesis: Yo.
Tifa: Yo?
Cloud: Yo-yo!
Vincent: (*sigh*) Can we just get on with this?
Cloud: Why, not had your naptime yet grandad?
Bendover-Synthesis: Ooh, ouch...
Vincent: I'm not old... I've just... lived a long time, that's all...
Cloud: Uh-HUH...
Bendover-Synthesis: Ahem, gentlemen, and lady... quite DEFINATELY a lady... can we get on with this?
Tifa: You're going to say it, aren't you?
Cloud: Say what?
Tifa: You know damnedwell... all three of you are searching desperately for some reference now, aren't you? Well, i tell you, there's nothing, nothing in this cave that could give you ANY sort of dodgy link, to you know what...
Vincent (*Innocently*): No references to what?
Tifa: You know what, damnit! Don't fake innocence... oh CRAP!
Vincent: Fake?
(*Everyone looks at Tifa*)
Tifa: I know they're real, you know they're real... do we really need to go through this?
Cloud: Liar...
Tifa: They ARE real though! Oh damn!
Everyone Else: SURE they are Tifa, sure they are...
Tifa: (*sigh*)
Bendover-Synthesis: Ahem?
Cloud: Oh, fine...
(*Cloud kills Bendover-Synthesis in one blow*)
Cloud: Now... where were we?
Vincent: About to descend down further to deal with Bob, if memory, and the guide, serve correctly...
Cloud: Dude, let's go!
(*Cloud goes to the big block, which moves downwards*)
Basset: Woah, look at that!
Redex: Argh, a load of monsters! We'd better fight them!
Tifa: Uh...?
Basset: Ragh! Die!
Cloud: Uh... woah there Basset... what's this?
Basset: Huh? Oh, Redex and i decided to make a 'portable candle', and bring it with us...
Cloud: I SEE... 'cos the rest of us don't see monsters...
Basset: You don't?
Vincent: We don't.
Redex: Oh... uh... sorry about that...
Cloud: No problem... now, let's go get Bob!
Cid: Sounds like a plan...
Bizaro-Bob: Um, hello... I believe we have a fight scheduled?
Cloud: Uh... Bob?
Bizaro-Bob: Yes Cloud?
Cloud: Uh... you're acting, kind of... odd?
Bizaro-Bob: Well, of course... I AM Bizaro-Bob afterall...
Cloud: And that's why you're drinking tea?
Bizaro-Bob: Yes.
Cloud: And knitting?
Bizaro-Bob: Yes.
Cloud: And eating crumpets?
Bizaro-Bob: Heavens no... i just LIKE crumpets.
Cloud: Oh... okay then... so, are we going to do this?
Bizaro-Bob: Very well then.
Basset: Yo, Cloud?
Cloud: Huh? What're you all doing here?
Basset: Well, since it's the last boss-
Bizaro-Bob: [Hah, you wish...]
Basset: -We thought we may as well ALL have some of the fun... but only in groups of 3...
Cloud: Sounds good... right... now, Bob, only attack the group attacking you, got it?
Bizaro-Bob: Certainly Cloud.
(*Boss fight with Bizaro-Bob begins... and ends fairly quickly*)
Cloud: Well, job well done... let's go wach the ending FMV, and-
Saviour-Bob: Not so fast!
Cloud: Aww... you mean i gotta work some more?
Saviour-Bob: Yep.
Cloud: Damn.
Saviour-Bob: Those are the breaks.
Cloud: Oh well... better do this quickly then.
(*Cloud kick's Saviour-Bob's ****)
Saviour-Bob: Hey! That was my ***! Poor thing... what did that poor mule ever do to you?
Cloud: Uh, sorry... wrong ***...
(*Mule turns around, and bites Cloud, before wandering off*)
Saviour-Bob: Great... now I'm going to have to go get him after this...
Cloud: Dude, we're here to kill you, remember?
Saviour-Bob: Well, i guess that makes my life easier then... shorter, but easier.
Cloud: Dude?
Saviour-Bob: Well, for one thing, i won't have to find my mule...
Cloud: Good point!
(*Cloud kicks the correct *** this time*)
Cloud: Well, that's finished... wait a minute... why'm i now falling? Quickly? In what looks like a meteor?
Bob: Yo DUDE!
Cloud: DUDE!
Bob: Just the two of us.
Cloud: Yup. You lose your shirt somewhere?
Bob: Nah, it's just in the wash.
Cloud: Wow, you get it washed?
Bob: Yeah, my mum does it.
Cloud: Hah-hah! Mummy's boy!
Bob: Hey, just 'cos I'm aged... well... let's say 30... ish... and still live with my mum...
Cloud: Hah hah hah, ya mum!
Bob: Is that supposed to be some sort of insult?
Cloud: Ya mum!
Bob: Oh, come on, aren;t you getting bored of that yet?
Cloud: Ya mum!
Bob: It seems the art of conversation is dead...
Cloud: So's ya mum!
Bob: Come on, that's a little bad!
Cloud: So's ya mum!
Bob: Can we be sensible about this?
Cloud: Ya mum!
(*Hole opens to the outside world*)
Tifa: Cloud, can you hurry it up?
Cloud: Uh... no.
Tifa: Fine, but we're joining in then...
Bob: Oh great... just what i need.
Cid: Like ya need ya mum ya mean?
Bob: What's with the 'ya's... either it's a yuppie convention, or we're just early for FFX...
Basset: Uh... ja?
Bob: Oh, will someone just kill me? This is getting boring...
Cloud: We COULD kill ya... you... OR, how's this sound: You appologise for killing Aeris-
Tifa: [This one's 'Optional'[]
Cloud: -and stop trying to destroy the planet-
Tifa: [not as optional.]
Cloud: And we don't have to kill you...
Bob: Well... i dunno... i mean, i put a LOT of work and effort into this whole 'killing everyone else to become the living embodiment of power' thing...
Cloud: You know you can't win, this is the Pointless-End-Battle, which is supposed to have some sort of significance, but it's lost on me...
(*everyone else rolls eyes*)

[keated]

Bob: True, true... but I'm still not sold...
Cloud: Drinks afterwards, at the Turtle's Paradise? My round?
Bob: Okay, I'm sold...
Cloud: Wahoo! We won!
(*Cloud slings his sword onto his shoulder, and turns around to face everyone else, hitting Bob accident with the sword, and knocking him down into whatever abyss lies below.*)
Cloud: We won-... oops...
Tifa: Cloud, you idiot... (*sigh*) well, we'd better go before the cave collapses.
(*Everyone else leaves*)
Cloud: Uh... little help?
Aeris: Hey Cloud!
(*Aeris reaches out hand from above*)
Cloud: Aeris? Am i dead?
Aeris: No, but neither am- ugh-...
(*Aeris is gagged, and dragged off backwards, replaced by Tifa*)
Cloud: Did you see-
Tifa: NO! I did NOT just see Aeris, bound and gagged, dragged away, and shackled to a rock down here, that she has no possible hope of escape.
Cloud: Actually, i was going to ask if you saw the simpsons last night, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
Tifa: Water.
Cloud: You didn't get the buoyancy comment?
Tifa: How's a buoy like you know a word like that?
Cloud: What can i say, i hang around with sailors... but you didn't get it?
Tifa: Get what?
Cloud: Your flotation devices.
Tifa: my-... man, that's LAME for a last joke.
Cloud: Hey, i used all of the good ones... so, you gonna say it?
Tifa: I choose to exert my right to remain silent.
Cloud: That's as good as admitting it you know.
Tifa: Is not
Cloud: Is so.
Tifa: SO isn't... and so what?
Cloud: Huh?
Tifa: Cloud, technically, they're not real... they're pixels.
Cloud: you stole your breasts from a guy named Pixel?
Tifa: No... as in... oh nevermind... and besides... (*whisper whisper*)
Cloud: Woah! No way! You managed to get a polygon upgrade?
Tifa: Yeah, but don't spread it around... i kinda borrowed from the KH budget as well...
Cloud: AH, so THAT's why Bob's stuck with only 1 wing?
Tifa: Exactly.
Cloud: It all makes a twisted kind of sense now...
Tifa: Hmm... the cavern's kinda collapsing... you think we should maybe get out of here?
Cloud: I think it's for the best.
(*Tifa pulls Cloud up, before they reboard the Breakwind, which lurches away, as weird lights start flying around*)
Cid: Ack, the Breakwind's... well... broken!
Cloud: So, we're going to die?
Cid: I could try this level, which's marked 'Do Not Pull, Unless Weird Flying Lights Erupt From A Crater In Which You've Just Fought The Final Boss, Have Won, And Aforementioned Lights Are Breaking Vehicle. Really, We Mean It."
Cloud: It says all that on 1 lever?
Cid: Yup, in a way.
Cloud: In a way?
Cid: It says 'Emergency 18'
Cloud: This sort of thing happens a lot then? It gets its own numbered code?
Cid: Yup. I think the statistics say something like once per month...
Cloud: Amazing...
(*Cid pulls the lever, breaking most of the Breakwind appart, except for a small amount, with a giant-mog parachute*)
Cid: Phew... that was lucky... i thought it was a self-destruct thingy...
Cloud: Huh? Why'd it be that?
Cid: SO we could all die instantly, instead of falling, THEN dieing.
Cloud: Oh...
(*Above Blingar, the light meets up with Meteor*)
Meteor: Hmm... fancy meeting another ultimate magic spell in a place like this...
Holy: Mhm... and such a big, strong ultimate destruction magic you are...
People Below In Blingar: Get a room!
Holy: Sounds like a plan... i hear the 5th planet out's pretty good at this time of year!
Meteor: Sounds like a plan...
(*Holy and Meteor go skipping off*)
Person Below In Blingar: Right, now, let's abandon the city, so that people can ahve fun arguing for years what actually happens in the end!
Everyone Else Below In Blingar: Sounds like a plan!
(*Quite some time later...

Redex and pups come over hill, and look at the ruins of Blingar. Screen starts to fade out*)
Redex: HOLD IT!
(*Screen brightens up again*)
Redex: If I'm the last of my species... how do I have offspring.
Aeris: What? Don't tell me you forgot all about Blingar...
Redex: Yeah, but for 2 things: 1) you're dead, no offence-
Aeris: None taken.
Redex: And 2) nothing happened...
Aeris: Hmm... Well, what else do you suggest? That you're really female, and that Vincent sired them?
Redex: I don't even wanna think about it... i mean... i just kinda woke up, with these kids following me... i ASSUME they're mine...
Aeris: Maybe they'll explain it in Advent Children?
Redex: Yeah, and they may explain the quantum mechanics of Hysteria.
Aeris: Okay, okay... no need to get so tetchy...
Redex: Sorry... oh well... roll credits!
Aeris: The credits come up at the beginning, unless you skip them.
Redex: They do? Then.. what happens at the end?
Aeris: Roll Stars!
(*Screen fades out, to Stars.*)
Tifa: Oooh, aren't they pretty Cloud?
Cloud: See, NOW you're getting it!
(*5 minutes later*)
Tifa: Come on Cloud... nothing's going to happen...
Cloud: Just a little longer! Something'll happen soon! I feel it!
(*6 months later*)
Tifa: Cloud, eat... or at least blink!
Cloud: Can't.. may miss that one vital piece of information, that'll proove me right.
Tifa: Remind me again what it is i see in you?
Cloud: My big sword?
Tifa: ... oh yeah.
Cloud: So... what do we do now?
Basset: How about we sing, till the Credits come up?
Cloud: Okay, but... it's NOT the YMCA again, right? The song's okay, but i don't like what you did to me afterwards...
Basset: Nope, and i wrote out the lyrics, so everyone can join in!
Tifa: ... we may as well get this over with then...
Everyone, lead by Basset:
I've known a few gals who thought they were nifty thieves
But you get the stuff all the others leave
You think you're a ninja-you drive us up the wall
You got hold of our Hysteria, and stole-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a pocket picker
That don't impress Cloud Strife!
So you got the hands but have you got a life
Don't get me wrong, yeah he thinks you're alright
But that won't keep Cloud warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress Cloud Strife!

I never knew a gal who carried some padding in her pocket
And a bra up her sleeve-just in case
And all that sili-con gel in your bust oughtta dock it
But Heaven forbid they should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're quite fit
That don't impress Cloud Strife!
So you got the chest but have you got a life
Don't get me wrong, yeah he thinks you're alright
But that won't keep him warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress Cloud Strife!

You're one of those guys who likes to fly his machine
You make me take off my swords before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss the Breakwind good night
C'mon Cid, now tell me-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got an Airship
That don't impress Cloud Strife!
So you got the flight but have you got a life
Don't get me wrong, yeah he thinks you're alright
But that won't keep him warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress Cloud Strife!
You think you're cool but have you got a life
Don't get me wrong, yeah he thinks you're alright
But that won't keep him warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress Cloud Strife!

Okay, so what do you think you're Aeris or something...
Whatever
That don't impress Cloud!



~Fin~

Or IS it? Hang around, not only for Advent Children, But also in case i decide to do an original part, based on the parody. Oh, yes. And also for the Deleted Scenes.

[keated]

Deleted Scenes:-

Disc 1:

Tifa's Bar

(*Cloud goes up, using the pinball machine*)
Tifa: Hey Cloud... feel like a drink?
Cloud: Why not...
Tifa: I'll get you our most popular one...
(*Tifa mixes him a drink*)
Cloud: Woah... i can see why THAT'S so popular!
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: Shake it baby!
Tifa: Ha, think you're Duke Nukem or something?
Cloud: ... well... i got blond hair... gimme some sunglasses, and we'll see how i look...
(*Cloud gets up and goes to the door*)

Invisible Alpha

Cloud: Okay... now, I'm going to choose you for your abilities, and not just 'cos I've got it saved here, and want to know what each one of you does in Costa Del Much...
Crew Member: Hey, how's it goin'? (*Options: Feel tired/Something's Missing/Get lost!*)
Cloud: Hmm... (*Chose 'Something's Missing'*)
Crew Member: Got just the thing... It really seems to get the seamen going...
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: Don't... that one's just TOO easy...

Unscheduled Stop

(*Cloud and everyone gets on the Train-Thingy, which departs, with a cool cutscene. The Train-Thingy stops, and Cloud looks out of the window*)
Cloud: Uh... what's that? He's got a kinda pointy hat, and...
Black Waltz3: Aha! I have you now Garnet!
Cloud: Garnet? Dude you are so WAY off course... lindblum is THATTA way...
(*Everyone points upwards*)
Black Waltz 3: Didn't think i got knocked that far... well, i just saw the cable-car and thought-
Cloud: Yeah, we know what you thought 'Oh, look! There's a cable-car with a deffenseless 8-year old on it! Ooh!'... just get outta here, you kiddie-fiddling weirdo...
(*Black Waltz3 looks embarressed and flies off*)


Alcohol-Induced Selective Hearing

Renault: Come out c'mout wherever you are! (*hic*)
Ferrari: Oh... HEY Cloud!
Cloud: You're still drunk?
Ferrari: Damn RIGHT I am...
Cloud: Well, just saw Corny take me friend, and Ford, in bags, over there!
Ferrari: Did i hear that right? "...sore... horny... take me... over there!"?
Cloud: Uh...


Alternate 'Rapper' Fight Scene

Rapper: Blinging... Now I'm the crap-rap monster, and im here to say,
Gonna steal your hysteria, an' then run away [boom-boom tsch, boom-boom tsch]
Gonna run away, 'cos i aint gonna fight,
An' if i stay here right, it'll be 'nitey-night' [boom-boom tsch, a-boom-boom tsch]
I've run outta words, an' i can't make 'em ryhme,
Hell, I'm doin this to buy him some time [boom-boom tsch, a-boom-boom tsch]
I'm getting paid to hold you up by Corny,
He wants 'em both, 'cos he's feeling real-
Vincent: Screw this, another line and hell, i'll kill myself!
(*Vincent shoots Rapper between the eyes, before grinning hapily at his handiwork*)


THE 4 POSSIBILITIES: TIFA, AERIS, YUFFIE, BASSET

Tifa

(*Cloud stands around, instead of going to bed, and there is a knock at the door*)
Tifa (*muffled by door*): Damn... he LOCKED it...
(*Tifa pulls out the oxy-accetaline torch, and 'opens' the door*)
Cloud: Uh... Tifa?
Tifa: Oh, Cloud... You're... awake...
Cloud: Yeah...
Tifa (*Murmered*): Damn!
Cloud: Huh?
Tifa: Oh, nothing... nothing... oh well... wanna go out on a date?
Cloud: Well, i wasn't planning anything else tonight...
Tifa: [I was... if only he'd been asleep...]
Cloud: So... uh... where do you want to go?
Tifa: I know, just for a laugh, eventhough there's never anything going on there, let's go down to that place with the stage!
Cloud: Damn, that's a good idea...
Tifa: [Hopefully there won't be anyone there, so we can make out... tee hee...]
(*Cloud and Tifa go down to the Theatre Bar*)
Person At Door: Lucky you! Just by sheer chance, you're our 100th couple tonight! YOU get to take part in our play!
Cloud: Aww... but i don't wanna!
Person At Door: Tough!
(*The play begins with Cloud and Tifa in it*)
Narrator: Ahem... life is good, but then this nasty guy, called the Evil Dragon King kidnapped the princess... now it's up to... [line? oh, right... gotcha!] Albert [huh? alFRED you say? Oh... close enough, surely? Gimme a break, the normal guy is ill!] to rescue her from the clutches of the EDK.
(*'Alfred' is pushed on stage*)
Cloud: [What do i do?]
Pusher: [Just go with the flow... the actors will cover for you!]
Cloud: [Okay...] I'm Alfred... uh... I'm... uh... here to save the princess?
(*Wizard, King and Knight come pirouetteing on*)
King: Who will you ask for help?
Cloud: (options) Knight\ Wizard (chooses Wizard*)
King: Now, what will you ask?
Cloud: (options) The EDK's weakness/ The princess' measurements (chooses 'The princess' measurments')
Wizard: You mean the apparent measurments, or the REAL measurements?
Tifa (*unseen*): Hey! They're real!
Entire cast, and audience: SURE they are...
Tifa (*unseen*): They ARE!
Entire cast, and audience: O-o-o-o-oh no they're not!
Tifa (*unseen*): O-o-o-o-oh yes they are!
Entire cast, and audience: O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh no they're not!
Tifa (*unseen*): O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh yes they are!
Wizard: 'Cos if it's the APPARENT measurements, they just gave up halfway through...
Tifa (*unseen*): Hey! I resent that! It was three quarters of the way, actually!
(*EDK enters, holding Tifa*)
EDK: Hey! Don't ignore me!
Cloud: How can we ignore you? You're holding Tifa...
EDK: Good point... anyway, feel like defeating me?
Cloud: Huh, oh, yeah, sure...
(*Cloud swings his sword around, and hits the EDK over the head with it*)
Cloud: Phew... now I'm glad i never sharpen it... don't wanna go down for murder... eventhough I've killed so many Shine-Ra guards... oh my non-offencive-generic-religion's-Deity/other-controlling-entity... I'm a mass murderer!
Tifa: Aww, c'mon Cloud, don't take it like that... anyway...
Narator: With the EDK defeated, the populace of the king's... [uh... kingdom... is that right? kingdom? Why can't a king have an empire? Well, I'D want one... i mean, sounds way cooler! Ah, but you're right... Kingdoms - Good, Empires - Evil... aww, c'mon... it's my first day... normally i just pull the curtains... sorry, enough about me...]
(*All of the actors pirouette off, except for the EDK, who gets a rope from backstage thrown around him, before being dragged off. Tifa and Cloud leave, and go to the Gondola, in Round Bar*)
Ticket person: Be glad you don't have to pay... you'd need to pay fo 3 people.
Cloud: huh? There's just us two here... who else?
Ticket person: Well, with... as large assets as her, the weight would be about the same as three... oh well... enjoy!
(*Cloud and Tifa, who is glaring at the Ticket person, get onto the gondola*)
Tifa: Cloud... uh... you DID know that the thing was fake, a play, right?
Cloud: Fake? You mean like-
Tifa: Finish that statement, and I'll throw you out of the bloody window! C'mon, there's just the two of us up here, can't you gimme a break?
Cloud: No, now, if you don't mind, could you stare out of the window, making noises like 'ooh!' and 'wow', so that i can sit glumly, saying nothing?
Tifa: Aww, c'mon... we never get to talk... we're alone now...
Aeris and Yuffie, holding onto the under-side of the gondola (whisper): Well, we wouldn't say THAT...
Basset, sitting on top of the gondola (whisper): Not likely!
Cloud (*Sulk*): Aeris would...
Tifa: Okay, fine... but we talk after this, okay?
Cloud: Fine by me...
Tifa: Here goes...
Cloud: less talk, more meaningless noises...
Tifa: (*sigh*) Ooh! Look Cloud!
Cloud: See, wasn't hard, was it?
Tifa: I don't know, is it?
Cloud: TIFA!
Tifa: Hey, you get to make pervy comments! Maybe it's my turn!
Cloud: ... stick with the meaningless comments...
Tifa: ... Wow... look Cloud...
(*Cloud looks out of the window. The journey continues in this fashion, until the end*)
Tifa: Well, wasn't THAT a barrel of laughs...
Cloud: No.
Tifa: Aww, come on... why weren't you nice to me?
Cloud: Well, okay, I'll be nice to you later, okay?
Tifa: Yay! Thanks Cloud!
Cloud: Well, we'd better get going...
(*Cloud and Tifa go out into the main part of the Gold Teaset*)
Tifa (whisper): Hey, isn't that Cait Sith?
Cloud: Hey, Cait Sith! Cooey! Over here!
Tifa: Let's follow him...
(*Cait Sith looks around suspiciously, before jumping down the 'Chocobo Racing' hole. Tifa and Cloud follow*)
Cloud: OY!
(*Cait Sith notices them for the first time, and legs it, up the stairs*)
Tifa: Let's run after him!
Cloud: I love it when you run...
(*Cloud and Tifa run up, and into the Chocobo Racing building thing, and half follow Cait Sith round the central part*)
Cloud: Wait up Cait Sith!
(*Cait Sith shakes his head, and runs out again, past them*)
Tifa: Damn, should have gone one way each...
(*They run after him, and are in time to see Cait Sith handing over the Keystone to a waiting Shine-Ra Ergonomically-Incorrect-Helicopter*)
Cait Sith: Here you go!
Tsing: Thanks!
(*The helicopter flies away*)
Tifa: How could you Cait Sith!
Cloud: Cait Sith... so you're the Viper in my bosom?
(*They turn to Tifa*)
Tifa: They are REAL! Real real real real REAL! Damnit!
Cloud and Cait Sith: SURE they are...
Cloud: Oh well... yeah, sure, i guess you can come with us anyway, i mean you're one of the clan...
Cait Sith: You really mean it? (*sniffle*)
Cloud: Yeah, sure, why not...
Cait Sith: Yay!
Tifa: Now, let's go back to our rooms! Feel like a nightcap Cloud?

[keated]

Yuffie

(*Cloud stands around, instead of going to bed, and there is a knock at the door*)
Yuffie: Hey Cloud! Feel like going out tonight, just the two of us, just for a laugh?
Cloud: Huh... this is the only time you get the remotest bit of romantic sub-plot with me... hell yeah! Let's make the others really jealous!
Yuffie: That's the spirit! How about we go and steal everyone else's Hystera?
Cloud: ... [you don't give up, do you?]
Yufie: [Nope.]
Cloud: Or, right, OR we could go on a date round the Gold Teaset, 'cos i just so happen to know that it's free tonight, and I'm a cheapskate...
Yuffie: Oh, okay then, sure...
(*Cloud and Yuffie go to the Theatre Bar*)
Person At Door: [phew, little do they know, we had 2 actors call in sick, what're we gonna do now?]
Cloud: Uh, two for the show, please.
(*A little lightulb appears over the Person At Door's head, and switches on, before disappearing*)
Person At Door: Oh WOW, you're our LUCKY couple tonight! You two get to take the leads in our play!
Cloud: Uh...
Person At Door: Come on, it's time get moving!
Yuffie: Do we get paid?
Person At Door: Hey, you're getting in for free, aintcha? Let that be enough for you!
Yuffie: Damn...
(*Yuffie and Cloud are ushered off*)
Narator: Ahem... [hey, don't i get a better name? I mean, I'm called Fred, so why's my name on the blue box Narator? Okay, okay! I'm just saying... hey, what the hell's goin' on... I thought they were ill... oh well... I'm sure everyone will cover for them...] Anyway, right, so this kingdom, right, this kingdom's been taken over by this really nasty dude, called the Evil Dragon King, henceforth called the EDK, right, and there's this princess, right, and he's taken her prisoner, right, cos he wants her to marry him, right, but there's this hero guy, right, who's called Alfred, right, Alfie to his mates, right, and he's gonna rescue the princess, right, from the the clutches of the EDK...
(*Cloud gets pushed onto the stage*)
Cloud: Uh...
(*King pirouettes on stage*)
King: Please save my daughter! Ask one of these for help!
(*Wizard and Knight pirouette on stage*)
Cloud: (options) Talk to the Wizard/Knight (Chose the Wizard)
Wizard: Yo, 'sup? Whatcha wanna know?
Cloud: (options) The EDK's weakness/ The princess' measurements (Chose 'The EDK's weakness)
Wizard: His weakness is the princess' measurements
Cloud: So... what'd you have said if I'd have asked for her measurements?
Wizard: 24 A... oh damn!
Cloud: Thank-YOU!
(*EDK enters, having had everything stolen from him already by Yuffie, who he's carrying*)
EDK: I'll go away, if she just gives everything she nicked back!
Cloud: Too late for that! Aha! 24 A!
EDK: Noooooooooooooo!!!! You know!!! I'm so ashamed... SO ashamed that I'll never come back here again, here take her...
(*EDK flies away*)
King: Yay! You defeated the EDK, now my kingdom is free to go back to it's thriving porn industry!
Cloud: Wey-hey! Oy oy! Do I get freebies?
King: Nope, better, you get the star: my daughter, the Princess...
Cloud: Isn't she underage?
King: [look Alfie, we normally get an older actress...]
Cloud: Okay then...
Narator: Before you do ANYTHING, take it off stage... this isn't that sorta 'play', before you say or do anything to lower the tone!
Cloud: Oh... okay then... I didn't think that was really possible...
Narator: Well, it is, so get out!
Yuffie: Hey Cloud, feel like a little trip on the Gondola?
Cloud: Sure...
(*Cloud and Yuffie go to Round Bar, and get on the Gondola*)
Cloud: Well... isn't this nice?
Yuffie: Damn right! I can see my next pidgeon from up here... nyuk nyuk nyuk... and the Hysteria Shop's less than tight security... nyuk nyuk nyuk... wanna help me break in?
Cloud: Uh... not right now... once in Barrier Reef Desert Prison is enough for me...
Yuffie: Spoilsport... oh well... guess then we should just enjoy this trip on the Gondola...
Cloud: Yup...
Yuffie: Hey, Cloud, can i ask a personal question?
Cloud: Sure.
Yuffie: ... where dya keep your money?
Cloud: ...
Yuffie: Okay, okay... well, let's just stare out of the window, and say 'Ooh!' and 'Wow' a lot, huh?
Cloud: NOW you're talking my language!
(*The Gondola reaches the station. Cloud and Yuffie depart, before walking back to the main part of the Gold Teaset*)
Yuffie: Thanks... i think that this must be basically the nicest anyone's been to me, certainly in a while...
Cloud: Don't mention it, just don't steal from us again, you hear?
Yuffie: Okay then... hey, speaking of stealing, aint that Cait Sith? With the Keystone? Damn, he got there before me... that'd get a damn good price, y'know...
Cloud: ...
Yuffie: Just kidding! Let's follow him!
(*Yuffie and Cloud chase after Cait Sith, until he finally gets to the Chocobo races, and dives into the building*)
Cloud: After him!
(*Cloud and Yuffie run in after him, but are outwitted by the stuffed animal, as he hides behind the door, and sneaks out after they run in.*)
Cloud: Duh... where'd he go?
Yuffie: I dunno.
(*Special Cloud shrug*)
Yuffie: maybe he slipped past us?
(*Cloud and Yuffie run out, in time to see Cait Sith roll down the stairs, before handing the Keystone over to Tsing in an Ergonomically Incorrect Helicopter*)
Cloud: Cait Sith, you &$£%*&%!
Cait Sith: What? What'd I do?
Cloud: You mean other than giving a valuable-
Yuffie: [Emphisis on the 'VALUABLE' part... i mean, did you at least SELL it?]
Cloud: -key item to the Shine-Ra, our enemies?
Cait Sith: Yeah, other than that? [And I didn't sell it]
Yuffie: [Idiot...]
Cloud: Well... okay, there's nothing other than that... but still...
Cait Sith: Well, whaddya expect? I'm a Shine-Ra spy...
Cloud: WHAT? Y'know, i never would have guessed! I wasn't suspicious in the least!
Cait Sith and Yuffie: We noticed...
Cait Sith: Never trust someone with the name 'Sith'... remember Starwars... weren't the badguys in 'Episode 1' Sith, you know, like the cool demon guy? Darth Maul?
Cloud: Funny, i thought Jar-Jar was the enemy...
Cait Sith: Doesn't matter! Anyway... what's done is done... so, here we go... okay, now take me with you, as if nothing happened, okay?
Cloud: &*$% off!
Cait Sith: Aww... PLEASE?
(*Cait Sith flutters eyelids*)
Cloud: How dya do that?
Cait Sith: Simple, this body was chosen to be cute... why dya think we chose a Mog?
Cloud: Uh... for... um... mobility or humour value?
Cait Sith: Nope... now (*flutter flutter*) PWEASE take wittle owd me with you? (*flutter flutter*)
Cloud: Argh... I... can't... say... no... to... the... incredible... cuteness...
Cait Sith: Yay!
Cloud: Hey... where'd Yuffie go?
Ciat Sith: She musta sneaked off while we were talking...
Cloud: we gotta get back, before she has a chance to steal anything!

[keated]

Basset

(*Cloud stands around, instead of going to bed, and there is a knock at the door*)
Cloud: Who is it?
Basset: Who dya think? The Easter Bunny?
Cloud: Really? WOW! Brought me any chocolate?
Basset: No, cos that was sarcasm... it's Basset!
Cloud: You brought me some Trebor-Basset's Liquorice Allsorts?
Basset: NO! I'm saying i AM Basset, and YOU, Cloud, you're coming out on a date with me, gottit?
Cloud: Oh, okay... gimme a sec to change, okay?
(*Basset leans against the door, while there are sounds of clothing being removed and added inside, including what sounds like twanging elastic, before Cloud opens the door*)
Cloud: Say hello to Mz Cloudette!
Basset: Uh...
Cloud: So, where're we going?
Basset: How about the Theatre Bar?
Cloud: Sure...
(*Cloud and Basset go to the Theatre Bar*)
Person At Door: Wow, you're fortunate! You're gonna take part in our play!
Cloud: Huh?
Person At Door: My, you've got a deep voice... you're going to be in the play, as you're the 100th couple tonight. Really! Honest!
Basset: Yo, what kinda &*$% is this?
Person At Door: Tough, you're in it...
Narator: Ahem... once, long ago, in a kingdom... uh... far away... [is it just me, or does that sound REALLY corny, and quite familiar? Oh well...] there was a beuatiful princess, kidnapped by an evil dragon king (EDK) who, we assume, was NOT beautiful. However, all is not lost, for the kingdom's greatest hero, Alfred, is on the job.
(*Basset is pushed on stage*)
Basset: Wha the*&$%?
Guy Offstage (hissed): Psst! You're Alfred! The others will cover for you!
Basset: Oh... awite!
(*King pirouettes on stage*)
King: Please save my daughter! Ask one of these for help!
Basset: Uh... sure...
(*Wizard and Knight pirouette on stage*)
Basset: (options) Talk to the Wizard/Knight (Chose the Knight)
Knight: What do you wish to inquire?
Basset: Just tell me how to get outta this!
Knight: Simple: save the princess
(*EDK enters, with 'Mz Cloudette'*)
Knight: WOAH! That's 1 hell of a princess... look at the stubble on that!
Cloud: Hey! I shaved yesterday!
Wizard: Wonder if s/he has as hairy a chest?
(*Everyone looks at Cloud*)
Cloud: They're real!
Entire cast, and audience: SURE they are...
Tifa (*unseen*): [Sweet vengence...]
(*Cloud kicks the EDK in the groin, and the EDK topples, over, letting Cloud go.*)
King: The EDK is defeated!
Entire cast, and audience: Yay!
King: But, Alfred didn't defeat him...
Basset: Do i take the princess anyway?
King: Yes, just take her... I've always been worried about that one...
Narator: And so ends our... uh... unusual play, about the transvestite princess, who saved a kingom from an evil dragon king... [that's IT! I quit! 4 shows a night is TOO MANY!]
(*Basset and Cloud leave*)
Basset: So Cloud, where should we go now?
Cloud: The Gondolas are always fun...
Basset: Sure thing! Let's go!
(*They go to Round Bar, and onto a Gondola. Basset sits and stares out of the window*)
Basset: Ooh! Look at that Cloud!
(*Cloud looks out at the chocobo races, and uses his sword to trip one, thus, due to a bet last time he was at the chocobo races, winning him a tidy sum*)
Basset: Wow... isn't this so nice Cloud?
Cloud: ...
Basset: Hey Cloud... was THAT how you got into Corny's place?
Cloud: ...
Basset: Okay, I'm just asking, okay?
Cloud: ...
Basset: Okay... don't answer...
(*The rest of the Gondola ride consisted of both Basset and Cloud staring at the floor and saying nothing to each other, and drinking the complimentary alcoholic beverages. They then depart, and go to the main part of the Gold Teaset*)
Basset: Hey, aint that Cait Sith? Yo! Cait Sith! Whassup?
(*Cait Sith runs*)
Cloud: Oh well, guess he had somewhere to be... let's go get drunk... -er...
Basset: Wait-a-sec, waitasec... he was, uh, carryin' summat...
Cloud: Uh?
Basset: Think it was the Keystone...
Cloud: Aww man... we'd better go after him...
(*Cloud and Basset stagger after Cait Sith, as they start singing obscene songs loudly. Cait Sith eventually runs into the Chocobo race area, and dives into the building, with Cloud and Basset following closely behind. Cait Sith runs behind the central-round part*)
Basset: Let's go!
Cloud: Wait a sec! If one of us goes either side, then he can't slip past us!
Basset: Cloud... that's about the most intelligent thing I've heard you say, probably the most logical...
Cloud: What can i say, when i get drunk, i get smarter...
Basset: [Yeah, i suppose, 'cos that aint hard]
(*Cloud and Basset take 1 direction each, and grab Cait Sith as he tries to pass*)
Cait Sith: Hey! Lemme go!
Basset: Whatcha doin'?
Cait Sith: Out for a stroll...
Basset: With the Keystone?
Cait Sith: Well... yeah... I, uh, I wanted to, uh, look at it by moonlight...
Cloud: Oh, okay then, let's let him go...
(*Basset and Cloud let go, before Cait Sith legs it away*)
Cait Sith: So long, suckers!
(*Cait Sith leaves the building. Cloud and Basset look at each other, and run after*)
Basset: Yo! Cait Sith!
(*Cait Sith is at the bottom of the stairs, by an ergonically-incorrect helicopter, handing the Keystone over to Tsing. Cloud and Basset run down*)
Cloud: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
(*The helicopter flies away*)
Cait Sith: Hi guys!
Basset: Why'd you do that?
Cait Sith: Sorry... didn't i say i was a Shine-Ra spy? Oh well... how forgetful of me...
Basset: Grr! I'm gonna rip his stuffing out!
Cait Sith: Ah, you might wanna hear this...
(*He pulls out a phone*)
Marlene: Hi daddy.Mr. Cait Sith is giving me half of the money he made from this, to go towards a colledge fund, so don't bust him up TOO much...
Cait Sith: Can i go with you? Please?
Cloud: Aww, i don't see why not...
Basset: Holy *&$%! It's nearly morning! We should all go back to our rooms for a sleep!


X4

Cloud: Woah... 4 dates in one night... hey... how'd the Keystone get stolen FOUR times?
Basset: I dunno...
Aeris: Me neither...
Tifa: You would have thought Cloud'd learn from the first time, right?
Yuffie: Nah, he never learns!
Cait Sith: Damn right!
Basset: Well, he'd sorta learned by my one... but... he still forgave Cait Sith, for the fourth time in one night...
Aeris: Hey, Cait Sith... why DID you steal it 4 times?
Cait Sith: Well, i just enjoy ruining other people's dates... okay?
Aeris: Oh, okay then, fair enough.
Cloud: ZzZzZzZzZz...

[keated]

Jane and the Bratwurst

Guy-Standing-In-Doorway: Yo dudes, and dudette... quite DEFINATELY a dudette... welcome to Bone Villa-
Cloud: Look, you didn't read the conversation we had just before we came in, did you?
Guy-Standing-In-Doorway: Uh...
Cloud: It's... uh... a new thing they introduced into this FF... as well as naming the charactors, you name the badguys, the people you meet, and the towns you visit...
(*Cloud goes shifty-eyed*)
Guy-Standing-In-Doorway: So... what's Bone Village now called?
Cloud: Bratwust City. And your name's now Jane.
Jane: Jane? But... I'm a GUY...
Cloud: Aww, don't let that stop you...
Jane: ... fine... Hi, I'm... Jane... and I'll be your tour around Bo- I mean Bratwust City...
Cloud: Hmm... and it wouldn't do any harm for you to try on a dress and wig too...
Jane: For goodness sake, you want me to cross-dress now?
Cloud: Yeah, just get the key that some tourist 'dropped' round here, go to Blingar, to the Floor Market... there's a few shops round there... just tell them I sent you... you might get a discount...
Jane: Uh... thanks...


Wrong Chest

(*Cloud gets handed a metal detector, and finds the spot with the "Highly-Cafinated-Coffee", and the 'night-night' music plays*)
(*Cloud wakes up, still very tired*)
Cloud: Let's see what's in the chest...
Tifa: HEY! Get your hand outta there, you pervo!
(*Tifa slaps Cloud*)


Aeris In 'Trance' mode

(*Cloud nearly falls backwards with the force of the shout, before playing hopscotch on the stepping stones*)
Cloud: Hey Aeris!
(*Cloud waves a hand in front of her face*)
Cloud: Cool! She's in a trance!
Tifa: Yeah, well, she is kinda pink... i mean, that dress really seems to GLOW... it's luminescant pink...
Cloud: Heh, gimme a good limit break any day... can a TRANCE get you the same kinda damage that Omni-slash, or even meatballs-rain can? PLUS you can store it 'till needed, like a 'get out of boss fight' card...
Tifa: HEY! Now THERE'S a marketing idea... FF monopoly!
Cloud: Yeah, could have the Sector 7 slums as Old Kent Road, and possibly somewhere cool, like Esthar, or something, as Park lane or mayfair?
Vincent: For the 'Jail' you could have a boss fight... and instead of the 'get out of jail free' card, get a 'limit break' card...
Tifa: Electric company could be the Gold saucer... and perhaps... The island Celes and Cid get stranded on could be waterworks?
Cloud: What about the pieces? You'd HAVE to have a moogle and a chocobo... but what else? An airship?
Vincent: No, no, no... the airships would be the stations...
Aeris: Oh, for non-offencive-generic-religion's-Deity/other-controlling-entity's sake, stop talking about FF Monopoly, and just get on WITH it!
Cloud: sorry...
Aeris: Just a little off the top please...

[keated]

Disc 2:


Caught Ya!

Tifa: Oh, who cares, just go round, nab all the stuff not nailed down, then get out at the top...
Cloud: Same ol', huh?
Vincent: What bugs me is why people just LEAVE this stuff lying around...
Cloud: Hey... who's that?
(*Cloud climbs after the person above them*)
Person: Ow! Hey! Leggo of my foot!
Vincent: Isn't Lego trademarked, copyrighted and everything like that?
Person: Learn to read! I spelt it with a double 'g', as a shortened form of 'let go'...
Vincent: Oh, well, that's all right then...
Cloud: What're you doing here?
Person: Uh... well, you know how Vincent was just saying-
Vincent: [How'd they know my name?]
Person: -About the stuff lying around? Well, I've ben employed to ensure that those items are there...
Cloud: How long have you been following us?
Person: Since a little before the beginning, i needed a headstart... but i kinda thought you'd take longer in the city of the ancients...
Cloud: We WOULD have, if someone hadn't been itching to see Aeris kick the bucket...
Person: Ah, okay then...
Tifa: Let's see if i got this right... you traveserse all of these monster infested, incredibly dangerous regions, knowing before we do where we're next going, just to save us the hassle of shopping for items?
Person: Uh... that about sums it up...
Cloud: Woah! Thanks dude!
Tifa: You &%$£*$&! I wanted some retail therapy!


Competition

Cloud: Hmm... a wall to scale... and me with no climbing equipment... 'Who am I? Are you sure you want to know?'
Basset: You're Cloud, and don't %&$*&$£ forget it!
Cloud: Hey, i was just quoting...
Tifa (*turing towards screen*): And if you know the relevence of said quote, send a SAE to
Shine-Ra HQ,
Midgar
ZYX 389
and YOU could stand a chance at winning... hey!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: It says 'and you could stand a chance at winning a squeeze'... well, frankly, &*%$ that!
Cloud: Tifa! I never expected such language from you!
Tifa: If you get it right, and the link, you can win Cloud's Busted sword... okay?
Basset: Sounds cool to me...


Neo-Cloud?

Cloud: We've got to wait until there's a gap, or we'll suffocate...
(*Cloud jumps, and gets hit back*)
Tifa: He didn't make it...
Basset: No one makes their first jump...


Unorthodox escape

Tifa: Wow, now if i squirm in the right way, i can get the key, and get out to safety!
(*Meanwhile, in a security office, with the cameras, a dozen leering guards simultaneously break out in a nosebleed*)
Tifa: Right, press down for legs, up for mouth, direction for which arm, and try combos... hmm... legs, leg-hand, leg-head... hmm... press all at once for a breast-slam... HEY! Who WRITES this stuff, you sick, disgusting, perverted-... damn, I'd better stop insulting people, so i can get out of here before i suffocate!
(*Moments later*)
Tifa: Yay! Out of that bondage gear, and i only needed the breast-slam once!


The Truth Outs [did we NEED to know?]

Rouge: Tifa, stop there, you little *%$@£!
Tifa: Wow, you got to use a @?
Rouge: Yup, only we female-impersonators do... oh damn!
Tifa: Uh-huh... so, you mean Cloud could too?
Rouge: Yup, and Basset... oh well, howabout we have a slanging match?


Supermarket-Swipe

(*Tifa exchanges Basset for Yuffie, before re-entering the shop*)
Subtle Shoplifter: Tee hee... OY! MY stuff!
Yuffie: Heh, you're not so subtle... betcha i could out-swipe ya!
Subtle Shoplifter: You're on!
(*Begin a new mini-game: Supermarket Swipe. Yuffie grabs all of the items in the shop, then from the Subtle Shoplifter's bag*)
Yuffie: C'mon, time to go!
(*Yuffie grabs Redex and Tifa, before they get chased out of town by an angry mob*)
Tifa: Well, THANKS... you HAVE read the script, right?
Yuffie: Well, i STOLE one from someone, but never got around to actually READING it...
Tifa: (*sigh*) well, we need to get in there, 'cos Cloud's in there...
Yuffie: Leave it to me...
(*Minutes later, Redex, Yuffie, and Tifa enter, each wearing a trenchcoat, and an all-in-one-glasses-nose-and-fake-moustache kit.*)
Guy in angry mob: Hey, didja see 2 girls, one very EVIDENTLY a girl, and a weird red dog thingy run past?
(*Yuffie, Tifa and Redex exchange glances*)
Tifa, Yuffie and Redex: Noooo...
Guy in angry mob: Oh, well, that's okay then...


How About Me?

Chocobo Sage+Onion: Hey, if they're real, can i check?
Tifa: No you damned well can NOT!
Cloud: Can i?
Tifa: Uh... tempting as that MAY be, i think we should just take it slowly...

[keated]

Searching for the Key to Sector 5

Guy-In-Doorway: Come on... this is one of the more fun mini-games...
Cloud: Nu-uh! The snowboarding one is WAY better!
Basset: Aww... the cute chocobos... they kick ***!
Vincent: They're vicious, not to mention indestructable... cute?
Basset: ... Uh... i mean... their &*%$ hard!
Tifa: I liked the submarine one...
Cloud: Why, because it's easy, over in under a minute and full of se-
(*Tifa nudges cloud in the ribs, winding him*)
Cloud: Hey...
Cid: Nah, you've got it all wrong... Fort Big Bird...
Cloud: Anyway, searching for buried treasure isn't my idea of a good mini-game...
Yuffie: You know what'd make a really good mini-game? Something that combined hunting treasure AND chocobos...
Redex: Nah... that'd just be annoying...
Cait Sith: Come on, it might be okay...
Cloud: Hey, what'd you know Cait Sith? You're always the one that people are loathed to put in their party...
Cait Sith: You're so MEAN!!!
(*Cait Sith runs away, tears streaming behind him*)
Cloud: Wow, hey, why didn't we just try THAT one before?
(*The Invincible appears in the sky above*)
Zidane: Hey you jerks! STOP WITH THE FFIX REFFERENCES ALREADY!
Cloud: Oh yeah, or what?
Zidane: Uh... Or... or we'll be forced to make FFVII references in FFIX... like... 'I knew a guy who had a sword like this... he was a jerk, and kept taking the... urine... out of FFIX...'
Basset: Urine? Why the &*$% didn't you just say *&$*?
Zidane: That's it... we're leaving!
(*Tifa looks up at Dagger*)
Tifa: Slow developer!
Dagger: Slut!
Zidane: Dagger... you know we're not allowed to swear on FFIX...
Cloud: What're you doing here anyway?
Zidane: Uh... we kinda got lost on the way back from Terra... don't suppose you know the way?
(*All FFVII cast sigh*)
Cloud: As we told the Black Waltz, Lindblum is THATTA way dude!
Zidane: Thanks... we'll let no Cloud or Passing Shower stop us...
Dagger: (Hey, was that even IN 'I Want To Be Your Buzzard'?)
Zidane: (I honestly haven't ever seen it... I just wanted to score with you... oh well...)
(*Invincible flies off*)


Aeris' Grail

(*On the way out, Cloud insists that they stop, for old time's sake, at the church*)
Cloud: Hey, look, it's Aeris!
Tifa: No it's not.
Cloud: Look, it blatantly IS! Perhaps there's some long kind of quest we could go on to get an item to bring her back! Perhaps something like the 'Grail of Aeris'... or maybe the 'Wholey-Grail', like the Hysteria?
Tifa: Nope.
Cloud: But, but...
Tifa: Nope. She's dead, get over it.
Aeris: Um, actually, I'm not QUITE dead...
Tifa: WHA-?
Aeris: Actually, I think I'm feeling much better now...
Tifa: Not on my bloody watch...
(*Tifa whacks Aeris over the back of the head with a two-by-four*)
Tifa (*still holding the two-by-four*): NOW, as i was saying... she's dead, get over it, we're leaving...
Aeris: I'm all right, really... it's just a fleshwound...
Tifa: Cloud, Vincent... please wait outside for a while... this many take a while... [and be quite fun and satisfying...]
(*Cloud and Vincent look at each other, and then at the two-by-four, before running*)
Tifa: Right... back to business...
(*Cloud and Vincent outside wince as they hear various noises from inside*)
Cloud: Dare we go in?
Vincent: let's just take a peek...
(*Vincent and Cloud peer around the door, where Aeris and Tifa are each holding two-by-fours, painted in fluorescent colours*)
Aeris: If you strike me down now, I'll come back more powerful than you can ever imagine!
Tifa: Yeah, my implants will ya!
(*Cloud and Vincent both raise an eyebrow*)
Aeris: It's true... did you ever read the script for Kingdom Hearts?
Tifa: What's that?
Aeris: Of course you wouldn't, as you're not in it!
(*Aeris sticks out her tongue, before both she and Tifa look round*)
Tifa: Hey, we're trying to have a deathmatch in here!
Aeris: I'm in the lead!
Tifa: How dya figure THAT?
Aeris: Simple - i beat you to it
Tifa: To it?
Aeris: Yeah, I'm dead!
Tifa: Dead, huh... that gives me an idea...
(*Tifa pulls out a mobile phone from somewhere secure, where she'd have plenty of storage space*)
Tifa: Uh-huh... uh-huh... yeah, i can afford that...
(*Music starts playing, before a strange looking car breaks through the wall*)
Aeris: You're kidding me?
Cloud: Wow! The ghostbusters!
Tifa: Who else would i be calling?
Vincent: Man, this is getting too weird for me... I'm out of here... see you on the Breakwind...
Cloud: Why's he hurrying off?
Tifa: Maybe he has a date or something?


Vincent???

Vincent: Let's just go, huh? We've still got the Chunky Hysteria to grab, ya know...
Cloud: Huh? You're starting to sound like Yuffie...
(*The 'Vincent Mask' falls off from Yuffie*)
Yuffie: Oh damn, and i was hoping to steal me some Chunky Hysteria!
Tifa: What'd you do with the real Vincent?
Yuffie: Huh? Oh, i tied him up in the Breakwind, and stole his clothes...
Cloud: Didn't he have anything to say about that?
Yuffie: I think his exact words were 'Ooh, kinky...'
(*Cloud and Tifa aquire a sweatdrop*)
Tifa: You know, the less asked, the better...

[keated]

True Love

Cloud: Ow... i'm sure the Gs added extra force to that...
Cid: Hah, stop being such a wuss! Yeah, we all heard about your sprained ankle on the train...
Tifa: Besides, we're not accelerating anymore, and the force exerted is only due to the acceleration, not the speed, and is given by the equation- what!?
Cloud: Uh...
Cid: You know, you're starting to remind me of someone...
Tifa: Oh, right... well, that'd be because...
(*Tifa reaches up to the top of her head, and unzips, revealing...*)
Shera: Tee Hee! Alone at last Cid!
Cid: Damnit, you... goddamned *&$%$%*& Shera!
Shera: Is that even a word?
Cid: ... maybe...
Cloud: What'd you do with Tifa?
Shera: Ah, well, she's tied up back at the house...
Cloud: Kinky...
(*Shera slaps him*)
Shera: Hey, I'm not Tifa, so i don't have to take this &*%$*&$% *&£$%!
Cid: Wow... haven't heard that one before!
Shera: Really?
Cid: No... hey, you look pretty hot in that labcoat...
Cloud: Ah... true love... (*sweatdrop*)


Typing Error

Cid: Huh, oh, no, not that... hmm... oh damn, i was intending to make a fuss about not removing the Hysteria, in case it works as a missile, but THEN i was gonna change my mind once we in space...
Cloud: Well, i guess it's understandable forgetting, afterall, we were pretty busty...
Cid: Was that another typo in this damned parody?
Cloud: You know, I'm not sure... maybe this time it was intentional, and a cunning pun?
Writer: Um, yeah... (*Shifty eyed glances*) intentional...
Tifa (*In pod*): Damnit, that's it, that's the LAST reference I'm gonna let you damned well get away with!
(*Tifa drives off*)
Cloud: Hey, what about us???
Tifa: Ah, don't worry... without you to stop Bob, just ride on Meteor, and you'll get back to solid ground pretty quickly...
Cloud: That's a lie, and you know it!
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: You know we get infinate time before Meteor hits to defeat Bob, so we'll NEVER get back!
Tifa: Oh well... in any case, see you!
Cid: What're you gonna tell the others?
Tifa: Hmm... howabout that you kinda got in another pod, with burned up on re-entry?
Cloud: Okay, cool.


Misguided

(*The pod falls back down, and lands in the sea... eventually*)
Cloud: So, lemme get this strait Cid: you, an ace pilot, managed to hit the Breakwind with this small pod, missing ALL of the sea, until we'd crashed the Breakwind, and now, in fact, need a new one?
Cid: Um... yeah, that about sums it up...
Cloud: Oh... cool, dude!


Innuendo

Cloud: Hey, what was that for? I didn't even heard the last thing that Santa said... something about carvings...
Tifa: Huh? Oh, don't worry, let's just GO, okay!?
Cloud: Damn, you seem desperate to get back on that sub
Tifa: Look, ONE more bloody innuendo in the next 5 bloody lines, and I'm gonna damnwell KO whoever said it, and THEN go for the writer too, RIGHT?
Yuffie: She looks kinda frustrated...
Cloud: Well, i guess that'd explain why she's so desper-
(*Tifa KO's Cloud, then turns to the writer*)
Tifa: Damn you, you're next!
Writer: Eep! Hmm... did anyone else notice how much her chest heaves when she's breathing hea- urgh!
(*Tifa whacks him in the face*)


Volleyball

(*The Breakwind lands a LONG way away from the beach, at Cid's request, and Cloud runs over to the beach. There's enough time to fit in a game of beach volleyball (Tifa. Bikini. Volleyball. What more description is needed? Shame there's no pictures, huh? Or would this just be fanservice?) before Wimpy Weapon Reaches the beach*)
Wimpy Weapon: OH, i say!
Cloud: Uh, could you give us enough time to get changed?
Wimpy Weapon: Sure...
(*A few seconds later, everyone is ready*)

[keated]

Tifa's Feelings

Mojo: Oh, yeah, nearly forgot... REEEEJECT!!!
Cloud: You're saying I'm not quite up to scratch, not a real clone, a fake even?
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: (*sigh*) I guess it's my fate to be pestered about my ALL NATURAL good fortune for all of my life... THEY'RE REAL!
Everyone else: SURE they are!
Tifa: (Why do i even bother?)
Vincent: (You're a parody charactor - it's your job to be entertaining...)
Tifa: (Yeah, but what about my feelings? Perhaps i should cover them up a little better?)
Cloud: (But then you wouldn't get such constant exposure... let's face it, ask anyone who's read who they remember most, and it's gonna be you, and the catchphrase...)
Tifa: (You think so?)
Cloud: (Sure, why not?)
Mojo: Ahem, are we going to get on with today?
Cloud: Sorry, ready when you are!
(*Mojo transforms into 'Mega-Prick Mojo'*)
Mega-Prick Mojo: Hey, Tifa, ever heard of 'Tentacles'?
Tifa: Oh, grow up... (*sigh*) men, do you never THINK of anything else?
(*Vincent, Cloud and Mega-Prick Mojo avoid eachother's glances*)
Vincent: Uh... yeah... all the time... um... give me a minute, and I'll give you an example...
Cloud: Yeah, there's SO much else... we'll just tell you when we remember it.
Mega-Prick Mojo: Um, yeah...


Tifa And Cloud

(*Cloud and Tifa go to sleep, before waking up*)
Cloud: Hah, i bet the readers all thought something dodgy would happen...
Tifa: Hah, yeah, bunch of perverse, sad people, topped only by whoever's writing this
Cloud: Remember the commandments of The Generic-Non-Offencive-Deity... number 1 is: Thou shalt not insult the author, he has freaky powers over your destiny...
Tifa: Ah, what's the worst that could happen?
(*"They" deflate*)
Tifa: I HAD to ask, didn't i you perverse *&$^ &%^$^*! And they're REAL, so put them back, NOW!


My Bad!

Cid: Um... yes... definately... but, before we do, can i just pull this lever? I mean, although i built the Breakwind, i have absolutely no idea what this lever does... can i pull it? Please? Pretty please?
Cloud: Yeah, sure.
(*Cid pulls the lever, and the Breakwind self-destructs*)
Cid: Uh... my bad?

[keated]

Disc 3:


Eerie Powers Of The Game Developers

Cloud: Well... that was easy... why's THIS one called 'Ultima Weapon' anyway? I mean, the other two are WAY harder!
Tifa: Never question the game developers... they have eerie powers...
Cloud: Sure...
(*Cloud's sword is suddenly covered in toilet tissue*)
Cloud: Woah, what is that *$%&?
Vincent: ACTUALLY, i think it's probably to clear *$%& up with...
Cloud: Well, i guess no shops seem to sell it, and, not having gone for, what, must be somewhere like 70 plus hours now, what with the chocobo breeding, and leveling up...
Yuffie: Pah, that's SO Kingdom Hearts.
Cloud: You know, that's the second time i heard that mentioned...
(*The ghost of Aeris appears behind everyone*)
Aeris: Hey! I'm in-
(*Tifa whacks her in the face with the back of her arm.*)
Cloud: What was that?
Tifa: Hmm, don't know... must have been the wind...
Aeris: Pfft... just 'cos you're only appeal isn't welcome in a disney game...
Tifa: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Aeris: Oh, nothing, just saying that in Disney, they tend to be smaller, and, most likely, real...
Tifa: HEY!! These ARE real!!!
Everyone Else (including the recently disposed of Ultima Weapon): SURE they are!
Tifa: (*sigh*) Why do i even bother?


Get With The Program!

Cloud: Aww! But... we just got BACK from there, before going to Big-Eel!
Vincent: Hey, don't blame me for the order this thing's in!
Tifa: Maybe we should print one off the internet?
Cloud: Don't be stupid! The only thing on the internet is pornography
Redex: Uh... guys- and girls- in case you haven't, um, noticed... this is POSTED on the internet...
Cloud: Yeah, so?
Basset: Get with the program! What did you think all of the 'Sure they are' jokes are for?
Redex: I just HAD to ask, didn't i?
Cloud: just be glad that the Marlboro's tentacly-ness hasn't been exploited...
Redex: Woah, that's one mental image i DIDN'T need!
Basset: Or-
Redex: NO! No-no-no-no-NO! I'm not listening...
(*Redex starts humming*)


Just Don't Ask...

Vincent: Well, you use the Hysteria on the right enemy down here, and you get the Map Book, which'll let you get the 'Waterwings' Hysteria from Some Old Coot Who's Lived In His Attic His Whole Life.
Cloud: Great. Now, which enemy?
Vincent: Uh... hmm... odd... the pages are all wet and sticky... they're stuck together, i can't read it!
Cloud: Vincent... what's that on the next page?
Vincent: Oh, there's some pictures of the cast...
Cloud: Including Tifa?
Vincent: Um, yes... so?
Cloud: Did you lend that to anyone?
Vincent: Actually, Redex and Basset borrowed it when we were last at the 'candle'...
Cloud: Uh-HUH...

[keated]

Tifa's Plea

Cait Sith: Well, there's only 1 building around here with a door big enough for her to fit in, so YOU figure it out...
Tifa: Hey, has anyone else noticd that recently, this parody has been leaning further towards hentai?
(*Marlboro appears in the background*)
Cloud: Hey look! Tentacles!
Tifa: THAT'S IT!
(*Tifa reaches up, and grabs the writer by the neck*)
Tifa: You're EITHER gonna stop with the pervy comments, or at least, make them less often, OR you're gonna write me out, got it?
Writer: You mean, so you can hang around, like Aeris, and have people come up with strange suggestions of how to bring you back, and, more disturbingly, have you having romantic flings with Bob?
Tifa: ... good point. Well, can you just... not make so many... or, next time, i'm gonna limit-break your ***!


Tifa's Vendetta

(*Cloud goes around knocking on all the doors, except the obvious one, asking for Ruby*)
Cloud: Damn, all i could find was FF9 Ruby
Ruby: You-hoo ya'll! Wanna come to see my 'mini-theatre'
Tifa: A mini theatre? HERE?
Ruby: Well, with no TV or videos in FF9, we gotta do it live...
Tifa: ... look, just go BACK to FF9, NOW, okay?
Ruby: Well, y'didn't have to shout... was swell meetin' ya'll! Oh, and Tifa... is that like the Tifa Tree?
Tifa: Tifa Tree?
Ruby: Yeah, it's a big... coconut... tree, that makes the mist...
Tifa: What're you implying?
Ruby: Well, at least we don't have anything fake in FF9...
Cloud: Fake?
(*Everyone turns to Tifa*)
Tifa: FOR THE LOVE OF GENERIC-NON-OFFENCIVE-DEITY! THEY'RE REAL!!!!!
Everyone else: SURE they are...
(*Ruby walks off*)
Tifa: That's IT... i SWEAR I'm gonna kill the next FF9 charactor i meet...


[Floski's reply would be here, but that's already been posted by him ;)]


Confession?

Yuffie: Hey, can we go and get my final limit now? I mean, it may be pretty useless by comparison to most final limits, but hey, at least we can get "If At First You Don't Succeed, Trine Try Again" for the other "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" Hysterias...
Vincent: Hmm, sounds fun...
Cloud: Um, Vincent... this isn't asy to ask, but... you and Yuffie... well... I know you're just being friendly and all, but... is there anything going on? I mean, you seem to be spending a LOT of time together, and... uh...?
Vincent: Well, it's hardly sick OR wrong if you completely disregard the massive age differences...
Cloud: Oh, well, i guess that's ok then.


Revenge

Vincent: Huh? Oh, i think so, unless we start believing the odd rumours, like the 'Omega Weapon' under the swamp that you need the white chocobo to get to, made by breeding 2 X Rank golden chocobos, and you then get an item to make Bob be on your side, and he then brings back Aeris... and i mean, what sort of idiot would believe-
Cloud: We have 2 gold chocobos! Quickly, we must get them to X Rank! Then-
(*Tifa knocks Cloud out with a blackjack*)
Vincent: Uh... thanks...
Tifa: You don't know how long i've wanted to do that...


Pizza Prank?

Tifa: Hey, wanna go for a pizza, and leave them down there for a few days?
Cloud: What if they ask what kept us?
Tifa: Well, we were leveling up...
Cloud: We're already at maximum level.
Tifa: Damnit... i really miss the big pizza now... oh well...
Cloud: We're on a mission, let's just go, and THEN we can get as pizza together...
Tifa: Good point, it'll be less each then... nyuk nyuk nyuk
Cloud: Tifa, you're sounding like... oh my generic-non-offencive-deity! Yuffie!
(*Yuffie takes off the mask, and removes the balloons*)
Yuffie: Yup.
Cloud: But... why? And where's Tifa?
Yuffie: She's being carried by Cid and Redex... and I'm here for Vincent...
Cloud: Uh...?
Vincent: Yuffie and i are an item. Get over it.
Cloud: But... the age gap... that's like... ew..

[keated]

Pixels, or Pixies?

Cloud: Kingdom Hearts? That's pretty new... mhmm... rounded graphics...
Vincent: Heh, no wonder they couldn't include Tifa... imagine how many pixels THOSE would take...
Cloud: Yeah, and it's not like they're even real-
Tifa: They are bloody REAL, okay? Really REALLY real! Not synthetic in ANY way, whatsoever! Okay! Got that!?
Cloud and Vincent (Plus echos): SURE they are...
Cloud: What's a Pixel anyway... isn't that a kind of small gnome?
Vincent: No, that's pixie.
Cloud: Ah... so... the pixies made Tifa grow?
Tifa and Vincent: (*Sigh*)


Accident Compensation

(*Cloud continues down, making short work of everything on the way down, and inwards, until...*)
Cloud: Ow, my leg! It got hurt when that last rock fell away from under us!
Lawyer: Trip, or fall at work, or otherwise on the job?
Cloud: Uh, i guess so...
Lawyer: Not your fault (not that THAT REALLY matters...)
Cloud: Well, it's kinda Bob's fault for hiding down here...
Lawyer: Then i will fight this case for YOU!
Cloud: Uh... okay... he's down THERE...
(*Lawyer runs down to Bob, armed only with his briefcase, followed by some muffled sounds, before the lawyer's head comes flying back up*)
Lawyer: Hey, I'm going to sue for... well, lots of things!
Bob (*from bottom of crater*): Like i care!
Cloud: Oh well, one lawyer down... wonder how many left... HEY, BOB!?
Bob: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Cloud: Let's get rid of meteor AFTER the lawyers, huh?
Bob: Damned right...


Meet The Band

Cloud: Phew... i think we lost him... wait... something's following us...
(*Cloud hides around a corner*)
Guy With Cymbols: I swear they came this way...
Guy With Drums: Maybe you were wrong?
Choir: No, we saw it too...
Cloud: Ahem?
Conductor: AH! There you are, we thought we'd lost you.
Cloud: Uh... what's going on?
Conductor: Well, haven't you ever wondered where the atmospheric music wherever you've been has come from?
Cloud: Uh... not really, i guess...
Conductor: Well, we're always hiding under a rock or something...
Vincent: Uh-HUH...


Synthesis?

Cloud: Uh... wait a second, i thought that pantsy idea of synthesis was only in FF9?
(*Cross-dimensional-rip forms*)
Zidane: Damnit! STOP WITH THE FF9 COMMENTS!
Cloud: Gimme one good reason? You don't even have a well developed charactor!
Zidane: WHAT? I'm more pixels than you could ever hope to be!
Cloud: Wrong again, munkeh boy! Ever heard of Kingdom Hearts? Oh, wait, all of FF9 is too crap to be in it... muahahaha...
Tifa: Excuse me, Cloud?
Vincent: Are you implying...
Tifa: That we...
Vincent: Are crappy charactors?
Cloud: Uh, well, no, i mean... oh crap, you're gonna hit me now, right?
Vincent: It's for your own good...
(*Vincent and Tifa hit Cloud*)
Cloud: Ow... anyway... that wasn't what i meant by charactor development!
Zidane: Oh, sorry, you meant like hopes, dreams, emotions, that kinda thing? Well, i still say-
Cloud: Nah, not like that... you're all underdeveloped...
Zidane: Well, who DO you call 'developed' then?
Cloud: Tifa.
Zidane: ...?
(*Cloud pokes them*)
Cloud: Let's face it, they MUST have been worked on, or 'developed', as it were...
Tifa: For hopefully the last time, they are damnedwell REAL!!!
Everyone Else, including Bendover-Synthesis: SURE they are... (*Wink wink*)
Bendover-Synthesis: I hate to interrupt, but, can i get on with being killed please?

[keated]

this is the last post, until either Advent Children, or until i decide to write something original, based on my parody ;)

thanks for the support, and enjoy ;)

[P.S. if anyone has any way to replace Cid with Basset in the dodgy song parody, i'd be interested to hear ;)]





Mistaken Mules

Cloud: Uh, sorry... wrong ***...
Basset: How could you mistake a mule for such a sweet ***?
Cloud: Uh... Basset... you're disturbing me again...
Basset: Sorry...
Saviour-Bob: Hey, Basset... you see that guy in the pink robe, who's secretly following me around? Why don't you go hang around with him?
Basset: Hell yeah!


Prejudice

Bob: Hey, stop that, will you? It could be worse, you could have been stuck with a really camp boss-enemy-guy, like See-More, or Wudja...
Guy-In-Pink-Robe: HEY Bob!
Bob: OH god, WHY didn't i kill that one?
Basset: Hmm, prejudiced!
Bob: Surely I'm more prejudiced by giving him special treatment, by not killing him?
Basset: Ah, touché...
Bob: Anyway, I'm an Equal Opportunities employer...


Too Late

Cloud: I think it's for the bust.
Tifa: You know we already did the last one of those jokes.
Cloud: Sorry. Must be a typo.
Tifa: ANOTHER one?
Cloud: Maybe the writer just hasn't gotten the memo?
Tifa: Okay, you disgusting aka hentai otaku, listen and listen good: I'm not DOING that joke anymore, since i already ADMITTED they're real. So crap THAT up your tailpipe and smoke it!
Writer: Uh... i don't go in for that sort of thing, and i don't smoke.





Vincent's Children.

Vincent: Hey, you heard the rumour that I'm Bob's Dad? Well, it's not true. Nor am I Cloud's Dad, Tifa's Dad, Basset's Dad, Cid's Dad, Cait Sith's Dad, Renault's Dad, Aeris' Dad...
Tifa: hey, did anyone hear about the sequal to this game? It's called 'Final Fantasy VII: Vincent's Children'...
Cloud: That's just wrong...
Redex: Heh, ya dad!
Cid: I got news for ya! That statue ain't your real daddy...
Redex: Ulp?
Cid: Ya mum liked to play away, if you catch my drift...
Redex: Cid!? You didn't!?!?!?!?!?
Cid: No way! It was Vincent.
Vincent: Ulp?
Yuffie: heh, this is classic! I'm the only one spared!
Vincent: Don't count on it...
Yuffie: I don't even WANT to know, okay?
Basset: How did you manage it Vincent?
Vincent: Yeah, there was also that incident with being Dagger's Dad, Laguna's Dad, Locke's Dad-
Cloud: EW! You went 32 bit?!?!?!
Vincent: Hey, i was experimenting... anyway... Wakka's Dad, Jecht's Dad... hell, anyone with dark hair nearly...
Tifa: What about Squall?
Vincent: No way, that's Laguna...
Basset: So, what's your secret?
Vincent: What can i say? I'm all man... except for the mutated parts that Hojo - my own damned son - put into me...

[floski]

*clap* *clap* *clap*

Hats off to you Keated!
You've done a remarkable job with the parody!
Way to go! Keep it up and Keep it real!

Tifa: YEAH!!! That's right, they're REAL!!!!

C'mon everyone.... what do we say.....?

[keated]

[aww, thanks... just doing something for a laugh ^_^... thankyou all for your support, ideas, and imputs ^_^]

heh, anyone who wants to show their appreciation, feel free to join in on 3...

1, 2, 3...


SURE THEY ARE!!!

[S.AsukaLangley]

Sure They Are!!!!

[zeig zeon]

SURE THEY ARE!!!

:) Haven't said that in so long.

[keated]

where i work, today, a woman came in with a top that would be perfect for Tifa... it read:


Yes, they're real.
Yes, they're awesome.
Viewing by appointment only.


rofl!

(i need to find someone willing to do several drawrings for me... lol... one of which would involve Basset saying 'Hello SAILOR...' lol...)

[Sixteen]

<In the FFVII world>
Tifa stood there worring about Yuffie. The girl was in love with her deeply. Still... It was going to make things difficult with Cloud.

Cloud - Tifa... ummm... You look different... I mean is it cold?

She looks down and notices that it looked like she ahd been swiming in ice water.

Tifa - Ummm... No not really. Just worried.

Cloud - Why?

Tifa - Don't think that you would understand.

Cloud was looking a little distracted and she noticed his stare.

Tifa - Cloud now isn't the time for that joke.

he blushed and got up. Out from behind the bushes the sound of Dart Singing could be heard.

Dart - And I love Twins!!!!!

Suddenly he gets a very bad head ache from Shana hitting him in the back of the head with a cartoonish mallet.

<FFVII World>

Dart rubbs the back of his head. Looking up he sees Shana and Rose talking to Tifa and Aeris.

Rose - Well I guess that I would be sort of a mix between you Aeris and Vincent. Since I have been around for such a long time.

Shana - Yeah and you wanted to get busy with Dart.... Aren't you ashamed?! After all that would be like robbing the craddle.

Rose - Honey it has been a long long long long time since my lover died. And A girl's got to keep that action... If you don't then you get all crabby and it is like PMSing all of the time.

Shana - Really?

Tifa - Yep.... Ummmm Or so I've heard...

She looks off in the other direction and wistles.

Dart shakes his head and looks over at Cloud. He is sitting there looking at a picture.

Dart - Who is that a picture of?

Cloud shows him a picture of all of the FFVII characters together. It was taken on the Highwind.

Dart - Cool.... So that's everybody?

Cloud - Well almost... Aeris wasn't there....

Dart - You missed her huh?

Cloud - I did sort of... Well more than sort of. Course I do love Tifa... But Aeris was different.

________________


<Where Yuffie and KHYuffie are.>

After keeping Emper Doal's off of her KH's alter ego... Yuffie began to miss Tifa. Finally she managed to get her other self awake enough to begin the trip back.

KHYuffie - Ow... My head....

Yuffie - Welcome to your first hangover.

KHYuffie - Wouldn't it be kinder to just shoot me and get it over with?

Yuffie - Yeah but not has much fun. Come on we got to get to Tifa...

KHYuffie - Where's that guy with the nice butt?

Yuffie - He was far to old for you/

KHYuffie - Yeah... But I'm Straight.

Yuffie - Fine You can take Cloud and I will get Tifa. Everybody wins!

[keated]

always a pleasure to read more sixteen :D

[keated]

ye gods, i had to rip the parody from the site, since my computer's hard drive was completely wiped... well... replaced in fact... (*sigh*) so, unless anyone's got the full files that i sent out, and feels like sending it back, i got a fair amount of editing to do... -_-;

same with split kingdoms... i think 2 of the specials that i did, the christmas special, and the other one, may well be lost forever, damnit!


took over an hour and a half to do... admitedly, i was reading the posts that weren't written by me... lol... brought back many a happy memory ^_^

[Sixteen]

(Man.... It's been so long since I have seen this... Just for kicks... Here's a little update on 32 bit theater.)

KHYuffie - Cloud... But I really liked Cid

Yuffie - That old Perv??!!!

KHYuffie - Old??? What do you mean old?

FFVII Cid walks out and hears Yuffie call him old.

Cid - What do you mean old?

KHYuffie - Cid what happened to you?

Cid - Yuffie??? ANd what the @#$# do you mean what happened?

KHYuffie stands there stunned for a moment.

KHYuffie - What did you say?

Cid - You damn well heard me.

She stares blankly at him for a moment and then hands him a picture of his KH verson.

Cid - Son of a mutha @#$%ing, dirty rotten, @#$% eathing, sack of monkey @#$% is this? Blonde hair? I don't have Blonde hair, and what's with the stupid back brace??? What kind of Mickey Mouse Bull @#$$ is this???

KHYuffie - Don't talk like that... You'll make the king mad!!!

Yuffie - Who is this great and powerful King anyway?

Suddenly KHMickey walks through the door.

KHMickey - Hi Everybody! Heard that some of you where using Foul language in the Kingdom Hearts world. That's strickly against the rules.

Black mage looks at KHMickey and begins looking pissed. He reaches down and finds the last one time use magic he had and tosses it. When he does KHMickey is engulfed in flames.

KHMickey - Mutha @#$%er!!!!! Helppp!!!!!!!!!!

He sees KHYuffie standing there looking stuid.

KHMickey - I said help b####!

she looks angry and throws some beer on him. He screams in pain and burns into ashes.

KHYuffie - Little son of a b####.

Yuffie - Feels better doesn't it?

KHYuffie - yeah it does. Say what do you guys think of going and getting good and #### faced.

Yuffie - Sounds great.

(So how does everyone want this to turn out?)

[keated]

Lol, as silly-ly as possible XD

(*wonders if 16 is still around*) XD

Hope so, wanna see teh end :)


I wonder if I'll even be able to post this... lol XD

(edit - apparently so XD (*revives long dead thread*))

Oh well... Someone's told me they wanna do a flash of this... W00t! :D

I hope they're still interrested! :D:D:D

[Sixteen]

I'll have to finish this later. Thanks for posting keated. In will finish this evening.

[keated]

Excellent :D

We get an ending :D

hmm... as you're still here... (*sends a PM*) XD

[Sixteen]

Yuffie looks at her Kingdom hearts verson as she laies passed out from all of the beer that she just drank. She grinned as she then began to play the old what the hell happened game. Taking KHYuffie's shoes and bra she put them into the freezer.

Over in the corner White Mage had finally arrived and looked at the black mage.

White mage - How did you manage to get onto another FF game?

Black mage - What cha talkin' bout White mage?

White Mage - I was just chillin' with the characters from Final Fantasy 9. Saw that you where part of their crew.

Black Mage - Oh that, just thye needed an extra character.

White Mage - Why didn't they use me?

Black mage - They thought that you would upstage the main hero.

White Mage - REally?

Black Mage - Nope, just didn't like you. Cause you don't put out.

She gets upset and slams him with a hammer. Cloud looks over at Tifa and smiles. He walks over to her.

Cloud - Tifa... You know since the movie came out I got to say that I am kind of over the Aries thing.

Tifa - Is that why you just spent over an hour trying to use Phynox Down on her Kingdom Hearts double?

Could - Heh heh..... Saw that huh?

Tifa - Cloud I loved you for so long... But I deceided to move on. I'm going with Dart now.

Cloud - that rip off?

Tifa - He's more relible plus he honestly told me that he wants me, Rose, and Shana to get all together.

Cloud - That worked???

Tifa - Course He was honest.

Cloud - Tifa... I want the same.... But with Aries too....

Tifa - Too late Cloud...

She walks off with DArt and smiles brightly. Cloud stands there for a few moments and begins to wonder what to do when he sees Claire Redfield from Resident Evil 2 and begins talking to her. They hook up and after a night of heavy drinking find that they're married. Tifa wakes up a few days later with Dart and realizes that she likes Rose more than him and leaves with her leaving a dear John letter. KHYuffie settles down with FFVII Cid and Yuffie continues her life as a theif and ninja.

[Sixteen]

(Is there any more to this?)

[keated]

Heh, sorry, haven't logged in here for... quite a while, lol!

Probably over a year in fact... :-|

I'm afraid it's unlikely that I'll get around to doing anything more with this... afterall, this one took a year, and I had a LOT more free time back then :(

However, my friend and I WERE talking about possibly trying to create a stick-comic of it, and around a year ago, someone suggested they may like to make a flash of it [which never happened as far as I know, lol :(] but I haven't played the game through in quite a while, and while I COULD try to parody Advent children, it wouldn't be as fun, since the graphics are better, lol.

[Sixteen]

(That's cool, I was just such a huge fan of this fic. And any more hat you could come up with would be welcomed.

[keated]

Lol, if anything ever comes to mind, if anything ever forms on its own, I'll certainly give it a shot :)

But I don't want to stretch it out just for the sake of stretching it out... things normally tend to go downhill from that unfortunately... if I was certain that it wouldn't, then, as I say, I'd have another shot at it :)

Lol, for what it's worth, I enjoyed your one mixed in too :)

[ofnir123]

I gotta say, this seriously is effin' awesome! I don't know if you come back here anymore, but I wanted to congratulate you in making one of the best FF7 parodies ever!

[keated]

Not often, but occasionally, haha :)

I'm surprised this forum post still exists to be honest, haha XD Does AN never delete them or something? XD

[ofnir123]

I really hope they don't delete them. otherwise I'm gonna have to copy it all in a notepad document just so I don't lose it lol

[Sixteen]

Well I couldn't let this die. Keated, where ever you may be... This was the best Final Fantasy VII parody I've ever read. I just went back through it and found myself giggling and laughing at the little inside jokes. I couldn't fake the laughter... I mean it was real unlike Tifa's...

Tifa: GAWD!!!! FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN TIME THEY'RE REAL! *Hikes up her shirt* SEE REAL! HONEST TO GOD REAL!