Man registered as a sex offender for...

[tenshi_a]

Ok, here's a news story I thought I'd never read... man rapes bicycle...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml

Man who had sex with bike in court

By Richard Alleyne
Last Updated: 1:21pm BST 26/10/2007

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

I never knew it was illegal to ride a bike in a hotel room. :O

[Soluzar]

Oh wow... wait, what if the bike gave consent? I mean, that's discrimination, isn't it? Discrimination against the cyclosexuals.

It seems odd because they had no probable cause for opening the door. What if he'd been having sex with a bike of the human variety? Aren't you allowed sex in hotel rooms? That's the exact opposite of the impression I had.

It seems terrible to think of all the jobs he won't be able to get just because he's on the Sex Offender's Register now. It's not like he's a danger to anyone or anything other than bicycles, and at least he has the decency to take care of those urges with his own bike in private.

[Tom Servo]

"I'm sorry darling, but I'm just two tired tonight."

Sorry.

[Talon]

This is just one of those WTF threads isn't it? I mean, I sometimes do weird things when I'm all alone and I'm sure everyone else does (at least I hope so)...but having sex with a bike? Thats a little over the top. How exactly do you go about doing that anyways?

And like Soluzar said, how is having sex with an inanimate object in the privacy of a hotel room illegal? Its not like he was raping it or anything.


Or was he?

[Soluzar]

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

How did I miss this the first time I read that article?

:lol::lol::lol:

Ohh that's just too good.

[Prons]

I have a Japanese porno all about women having sex with bicycles. Does this mean I'm breaking Scottish law?

[Soluzar]

What bothers me is that this amounts to being arrested for masturbating. There was an object involved, this much is true. Does that mean that we now arrest every woman who makes use of a vibrator?

[Yukito Kunisaki]

Lmao. This guy is has win all over himself....with possibly some other stuff, haha.

[Animematt55]

This is ridiculous. They are just throwing guys (girls tend to get away with it, even for serious crimes) on the sex offender list for anythign these days

[tenshi_a]

"I'm sorry darling, but I'm just two tired tonight."

Sorry.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Two nuns were riding a tandem bike. They take a different route from usual. One says to the other "I've never come this way before", the other replies "Must be the cobble stones".

[GreatNekoKoneko]

...sex with pavements. man. just when i thought it was safe to walk the streets.

[Tidusauron12]

This is ridiculous. They are just throwing guys (girls tend to get away with it, even for serious crimes) on the sex offender list for anythign these days

QFT. I really don't think it's fair for that guy... I mean, it's not like he was in public. He was in his own private room trying to get off, and he got caught *like a kid getting caught by his mom*, WTF should he be on the sex offenders list?

[Ken-Ohki]

This is just plain weird. I mean, yeah, k, weird that this guy is nailing his bike but even stranger is why is this illegal? He wasn't doing this in public so why should he be put on a sex offenders list? I don't get it.

[Ikari Warrior]

What the f***? And I ask this literally. What is there to "do" on a bike, or pavement? Both of these activities don't sound REMOTELY pleasant. I mean, if the man was a closet homosexual, and he was using the seat...then maybe...

But other than that, seriously, what the ****?

[Yukito Kunisaki]

This is just plain weird. I mean, yeah, k, weird that this guy is nailing his bike but even stranger is why is this illegal? He wasn't doing this in public so why should he be put on a sex offenders list? I don't get it.

Easy. They are afraid he will dawn the breed of a new bike with arms for wheels, feet for handle bars or something more....disturbing for a seat. Who knows what a manxbike relationship could spawn?

[tenshi_a]

Who knows what a manxbike relationship could spawn?
Why the Manx Grand Prix (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manx_Grand_Prix), of course. :P

I don't really understand why having sex with your own [inanimate object] in a hotel room is illegal either, or how it's really possible for a man and a bike. Maybe whatever the "how it's possible" part might be why the hotel staff decided to call the police. Just, my imagination doesn't stretch far enough to work it out.

[Yukimura-Sanada]

You mean I can't dress my sweet heart to look like a bike and have sex with her? :O this is an Outrage!!!

^_^ Carry on.

Um so what If I masturbate at home? Is the Prude Police coming to get me or something? :O

[earsofdoom]

What......the.....!@#@? Seriously, those are the only words that came to my mind after reading this.

[Yukimura-Sanada]

how does one mate with an inanimate object anyway? Especially one without any wholes?

[Lionfish]

This is just some amazing crap.

[Sushikins]

While I cant see why the guy had any reason to be humping the bike, I think he was well within his right to given the situation. I dunno, the whole thing seems stupid to me.

[Alice Catherine]

So he jacked off with a bike and got arrested?

That's like


That's like the girl who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot.

[CrossboneGundam]

"having sex with pavements" is far more hilarious than attempting to rape a bicycle.

Also, I hope the guy who had sex with pavements (I assume he was having a three-way with the street and the sidewalk,) gets hit by a car in the process. Autoerotic asphyxiation has met its match at long last!

[Gibb]

That's like the girl who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot.

Oh man, not this again. People, please! Read the actual facts first, don't read the internet comments then follow up with your own.

That particular McDonald's was overheating their coffee way above company guidelines to the point where it could cause third degree burns instantly.

http://lawandhelp.com/q298-2.htm

[Leader Desslock]

"I'm sorry darling, but I'm just two tired tonight."
Wow. If the Monty Python knight is still walking around, I foresee a rubber chicken in your immediate future.

[Alice Catherine]

"I'm sorry darling, but I'm just two tired tonight."

Sorry.

WHAT.


*reads again*

OH. I get it now. LOL

[Tatsu]

The man owned the bike and acted out his sexual desires on it in a nonpublic, private, room. Under such conditions it does, indeed, seems ridiculous that he could be charged--however, it is important to remember that he did not own this room and by thus was required to act accordingly. Should this action had been taken in his own home--if he had one, it is very unlikely anyone could do anything about it.

[Ketaru]

how does one mate with an inanimate object anyway? Especially one without any wholes?

People use pillows, sponges, vibrators, and vacuum cleaners all the time...although the ones that use vacuum cleaners eventually regret it.

[goddessofanime]

Screw the bike (no pun intended).

I wanna hear about the man who had relations with the pavement!

[LOSTyears]

"having sex with pavements" is far more hilarious than attempting to rape a bicycle.I agree ^_^ trying really hard to get the thought out of my mind.
Besides that guy paid for that bikes service, it'd better put out :P

[Leader Desslock]

I wanna hear about the man who had relations with the pavement!
Sorta gives the phrase "where the rubber meets the road" new meaning, dunnit?

[Holy Knight]

These men received their just deserts.

I believe it to be a horrendous act to not consider the feelings of bi-ciclic entities as well as rocks unwittingly molten into tar then molested with undue abandon. Not only do we already "use" them with abandon in the only way our poor imagination can fathom, but they could have been abused for years, nay! Decades! Before these two brave souls found them and rescued them.

Flay them alive, I say! We need more tolerance and understanding of inanimate objects. Their made just like us -- with atoms!

Members of AN, I'm ashamed at you!

Oh, this makes me so angry. I'm seriously considering making a thread about the threat we pose to inanimate objects and our indelicacy towards them!

[Haru!]

I still don't see how he got anything other than scars out of trying to do that to a bike. Unless he took the seat off or something and used that rod thing...

[KatayokuのTenshi]

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

It’s their own bloody fault; if someone locks the door and doesn’t answer chances are that they are … occupied.

I have a Japanese porno all about women having sex with bicycles. Does this mean I'm breaking Scottish law?

Are you in Scotland?

He wasn't doing this in public so why should he be put on a sex offenders list? I don't get it.

Because nosey people saw it and were offended. That or the judge didn't have a sense of humour. I'd say he has a good chance of winning an appeal... because this is ****ing ridiculous. These "Sheriff Courts" sound like magistrates courts (tried by a panel of judges rather than a jury.) They aren't staffed by legal professionals so there is a good chance that they applied the law incorrectly... if indeed there is a law that regulates masturbation in a locked room.

Who knows what a manxbike relationship could spawn?

More weird fanfiction?

Um so what If I masturbate at home? Is the Prude Police coming to get me or something? :O

Only if they are really bored.

[Yukimura-Sanada]

It’s their own bloody fault; if someone locks the door and doesn’t answer chances are that they are … occupied.


this is just tempting me to rent a hotel just so I can masturbate and go crazy over the beds. and if anyone says anything I can just say something like, "um... well the bed kind of gave me this weird flirtatious look, It seemed a bit lonely too, I just had to huggle it for a while, and well you know what happens when you huggle too much, right? Can I go now?"

[KatayokuのTenshi]

Ah, but he didn't get the bed dirty. :P

[Yukimura-Sanada]

Ah, but he didn't get the bed dirty. :P

That's not the point, The point is whether you do it with your hand or doing it with a bike, you're still in the proses of doing it. :P

[Kenpachi]

this is just wierd. how the hell do you have sex with a bike without inserting the seat into you? maybe he was imagining himself.......im not going to say it, id get banned.

[Chousho]

this is just wierd. how the hell do you have sex with a bike without inserting the seat into you? maybe he was imagining himself.......im not going to say it, id get banned.
Where there's a wheel, there's a way.

[Yukito Kunisaki]

More weird fanfiction?

Totally. Alot of kinky things with bike chains and locks. ;)

[Leader Desslock]

Where there's a wheel, there's a way.
How did I meet my love? Well, she told me she just couldn't handlebars, so I took her to a Richard Gear / Lon Chainey double-feature at the drive-in. Even though I knew I should tread lightly, I spoke words of love to her: "Our hearts beat to the same cadence."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat to reflector mood. "Fork you and your singletrack mind, you lug!" she exclaimed. "You can pedal your wares elsewhere."

"Gimme a brake," I replied, "No need to be such a crank. What're you, in the middle of your cycle or something?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I must just be tired. Wanna go home and see what's on the tube?" My ego inflated a bit at that point. I was pumped. I nearly did a kickstand, I was so happy...

<gets slapped by a rubber chicken from the Monty Python knight>

[Chousho]

<much awesome ensued>
:P :P :P hahaha

Nicely played ;D

[Talon]

How did I meet my love? Well, she told me she just couldn't handlebars, so I took her to a Richard Gear / Lon Chainey double-feature at the drive-in. Even though I knew I should tread lightly, I spoke words of love to her: "Our hearts beat to the same cadence."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat to reflector mood. "Fork you and your singletrack mind, you lug!" she exclaimed. "You can pedal your wares elsewhere."

"Gimme a brake," I replied, "No need to be such a crank. What're you, in the middle of your cycle or something?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I must just be tired. Wanna go home and see what's on the tube?" My ego inflated a bit at that point. I was pumped. I nearly did a kickstand, I was so happy...

<gets slapped by a rubber chicken from the Monty Python knight>

11/10
Awesome, just awesome. :lol:

Now as for the man having sex with pavements. Maybe it was wet cement?

[Kenpachi]

yea, it was wet alright. how stupid could somebody be to **** wet concrete? dont they realize that that stuff hardens? which means that theyd have to get it off in a very, very very very very VERY painful way. talk about a new meaning to the term "hard on".:lol:

[Alice Catherine]

How did I meet my love? Well, she told me she just couldn't handlebars, so I took her to a Richard Gear / Lon Chainey double-feature at the drive-in. Even though I knew I should tread lightly, I spoke words of love to her: "Our hearts beat to the same cadence."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat to reflector mood. "Fork you and your singletrack mind, you lug!" she exclaimed. "You can pedal your wares elsewhere."

"Gimme a brake," I replied, "No need to be such a crank. What're you, in the middle of your cycle or something?"

"I'm sorry," she said. "I must just be tired. Wanna go home and see what's on the tube?" My ego inflated a bit at that point. I was pumped. I nearly did a kickstand, I was so happy...

<gets slapped by a rubber chicken from the Monty Python knight>
This is win. I swear if there were enough room that would be sig worthy.

[KatayokuのTenshi]

^ You could link (http://animenation.net/forums/showpost.php?p=6241920&postcount=41) to it.

[goddessofanime]

[QUOTE=Kenpachi;6241836]this is just wierd. how the hell do you have sex with a bike without inserting the seat into you? QUOTE]

Very carefully?

[Big Shot]

was the bike hard?

[Yukimura-Sanada]

11/10
Awesome, just awesome. :lol:

Now as for the man having sex with pavements. Maybe it was wet cement?

:O then we'd have the opposite of the Statue of David, only thing different is the model Is still in the cement :P

[Midoriko87]

That poor, poor man. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time... Nevermind.

It just don't seem right.

Wait, dammit, just read the article... in a hotel room!! They should fry that nasty bastard!! :angry: :uhh: I mean, give him a stern talking to. *Nods head*

[VidelCoolGirl]

I don't see how its any different from screwing a pumpkin. In your room nonetheless. There are stranger sex toys.

[valalight]

:lol: rofl, oh wow thats just great

[Fobb]

I guess I should take some stabs at bike sex jokes also.

"Personally I think he HANDLED the situation well!"




Thats all I can think of.

Can a guy get some lols up in here?

[Yukimura-Sanada]

I guess I should take some stabs at bike sex jokes also.

"Personally I think he HANDLED the situation well!"




Thats all I can think of.

Can a guy get some lols up in here?

Watch out for the Banana Seat and the loony bar.

[Kenpachi]

what type of seat does he prefer? long and skinny or short and fat?

i tried.

[GreatNekoKoneko]

what type of seat does he prefer? long and skinny or short and fat?

i tried.

...at least he didn't do one with training wheels.

meh. i tried.

[Prons]

They met at a bar, right?

[GreatNekoKoneko]

They met at a bar, right?

...they probably met at Myspace. the bike was lying about it's age, too.

[Ikari Warrior]

"Hey baby, I wanna ride you all night!"

It doesn't matter if it was a male or female bike. From what I could tell, the man was a BIcyclist anyway.

Meh. I tried.

[Fobb]

Personally I think the relationship is going in circles.

[Leader Desslock]

I bet he just couldn't wait to get his date into a recumbent position.

[tenshi_a]

I reckon what really happened is...

Man goes into sex shop, asks for an inflatable doll of Victoria Beckham.

"This is the nearest I can give you to that" says the person behind the counter, and hands him a bicycle.

The rest is history.

[Soluzar]

I reckon what really happened is...

Man goes into sex shop, asks for an inflatable doll of Victoria Beckham.

"This is the nearest I can give you to that" says the person behind the counter, and hands him a bicycle.
At first the man wasn't satisfied with the likeness, of ourse. Then the man asked if he had a wrench, and removed the padded saddle. He gazed critically upon the bike, and said, "Now it's close enough."

[goddessofanime]

Maybe he looked at the bike and thought, "ooooh...Nice handlebars"?

[Reinas]

A little ridiculous. C'mon, it's a bike!:|

[GreatNekoKoneko]

A little ridiculous. C'mon, it's a bike!:|

...aw. don't kill it. as what's her face from the Eastenders would say...

"Ricky! Leave it!"

i'm tapped out of "man having sex with bike" jokes.

[Fobb]

I'm forcing them at this point.

I hope they used proper protection and wore a helmet and kneepads