Does anyone know any GOOD (funny) quotes?

[Rain]

Well, I'm looking for any kind of quote, be it political quotes, celebrity quotes, "wisdom" quotes, movie quotes, etc.

Although I've got to mention that the only kinds of quotes that I'm not looking for are love quotes. Spare me, please.

The most important thing, though, is that the quotes have to be somewhat funny or sarcastic.

Thanks in advance. :)

[blackknight]

Your Majesty, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.

~ What?!

I merely meant, your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

[Suiko Eiji]

I've always liked this one:

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Oh, does Bash.org (http://www.bash.org) count?

I'm so happy I could **** a kitten

[Kali-chan]

There's always
"Screw the rules, I have money!" from Yu-Gi-Oh, The Abridged Series!

[Nami]

There are many from House M.D. XD Just google it, and you may find one you like....:)

[superplough]

There's always
"Screw the rules, I have money!" from Yu-Gi-Oh, The Abridged Series!

the abridgedness is an everlasting supply of quotey goodness... in America!

[VidelCoolGirl]

"Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back!"

[Raziel_MGS]

you have just entered the very heart, soul, and life force of the internet. this is a place beyond sanity, wild and untamed. there is nothing new here. "new" content on 4chan is not found; it is created from old material. every interesting, offensive, shocking, or debate inspiring topic youve seen elsewhere has been posted here ad infinitum. we are the reason for "not safe for work". we are the anonymous army. cross us and you will fail. anonymous is everywhere. you depend on us every day. we bag your groceries, we fix your computers. anonymous sees you before you see him. sitting at desks around the world right now is a nameless, faceless, unforgiving mafia composed of the best of the best.

we are 4channers. the people devoid of any type of soul or conscience. products of cynicism and apathy, spreading those very sentiments daily. anonymous is the hardened war veteran of the internet. he does not forgive or forget. we have seen things that defy explantions. heard stories that would make any god-fearing, law abiding citzen empty their stomach where they stand. we have experienced them multiple times and eagerly await their return.

4chan is a place of sheer genius and utter stupidity, and there is often a thin line dividing the two. here you will see a state of mind that exists in most human beings, but is rarely if ever shown. this is a place where taboos do not exist. 4chan cannot simply be regarded as a simple website or imageboard. it is so much more than code. 4chan is alive and constantly changing. this is a subculture, a self-governing sect of the world. rich in history and foundation. to become a 4chan user is to speak a different language. to leave behind any methods of conventional thinking you once knew.

there are things here that you will not understand and things you never will understand. if you cannot accept this then GTFO now. because there is no turning back.

this is 4chan
this is /b/

[Bernard_Monsha]

Mark Twain is one of the best sources for mean spirited funny quotes

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

[Reidar]

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett

"Some people are like slinkies: generally useless, yet you can't help but smile when they tumble down the stairs."

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
-Oscar Wilde

"I'm so humble, I can admit my only fault: I don't realize how great I am."
-Muhammad Ali

"I don't like pelicans. They look too much like pterodactyls, which means they believe in evolution."
-Stephen Colbert

Jack Handey quotes: http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm

[Animexcel]

"The Truth is Out There"

[Shiroiyuki]

"I'm not even important enough to have a last name!"
"Guy, you have a last name."
"DO I?!?! DO I?!?!! For all you know I'm just crew man number 6--who dies in episode 81!"

*Later in that same scene*

*After seeing the creepy aliens turn evil*

"We have to get out of here before one of those THINGS kills Guy!"


God, I love Galaxy Quest.

[Aaluaine]

"Behold ! I bring you .... CORN!" ~ Aqua Teen Hunger Force

[The Million Dollar Prons]

Every post I've ever made.

[Rabbit]

"BELIEVE IT"

this is only funny because after someone says this I get hit, my friend Aaron says to get me caught up on what he owes me, he'll have to learn the 64 Plams Teragram

[Shiroiyuki]

"BELIEVE IT"


@%*(!#)#@^*(!@)^&#)!@)($#*&^#&&#

I hate Naruto >_<, Darn you RABBIT....

[Lord Timaeus]

"Roll the dice to see if I'm getting drunk!"
-8-bit D&D

[Dark_Shiki]

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid)-Robert A. Heinlein

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.-Mae West

The last one is my favorite...heehee~Angela

[Midoriko87]

Got just what you're looking for...

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed..."

:lol: Kidding.

Um, let's see

Oscar Wilde, "Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." :lol: That is so true...:naughty:

Funny, funny, funny... This is from The Importance of Being Earnest..

"Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die." AND "Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility."

My absolute favourite quote is from Othello. Othello: "What? Not a wh0re?" :lol:

[Holy Knight]

This is a quote I like, in fact, I'm putting it in my signature this moment:

I am created Shiva, the Destroyer; death, the shatterer of worlds. The dead night tiger made whole by the Master of Sinanju. Who is this dog meat that dares challenge me?

~Remo Williams

[Defiled one]

What are you? The little girl asked.

An angel...The woman murmured

Do you have a name? The little girl asked

Satan...


And we never heard of the little girl ever again...

-----------------------

Isnt this one pretty?

[Hisoka]

"I make more money then GOD!" - Vince McMahon.

[Bernard_Monsha]

This is a quote I like, in fact, I'm putting it in my signature this moment:

I am created Shiva, the Destroyer; death, the shatterer of worlds. The dead night tiger made whole by the Master of Sinanju. Who is this dog meat that dares challenge me?

~Remo Williams

Meh the best movie quote is

Wanna twinkie Genghis Khan?

[GreatNekoKoneko]

...the Microsoft Zune is going to be successful.

[Caine]

Oscar Wilde's last words "either this wallpaper goes or I do" (I've heard it said other ways, but this is my favorite)
Pancho Villa's last words "Don't let it end like this, tell them I said something"
In my signature there a few that I like
Look at Twain, Steven Wright, and Terry Pratchett. Throw in Douglas Adams too.
Twain: "never let school get in the way of your education" "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please" " and quite a few others
some other great quotes
only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his" - Patton
"War is hell"
also great, George Carlin "weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"the wages of sin are largely unreported"

[kenshinbebop]

I know lots of funny quotes, but most of them are aimed at certain demographics, mostly inside jokes and musicians...

But I know some neutral ones too.
Mainly from Family Guy. I love that show...

"Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over. "

"Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight. "

"Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios. "

"Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy? "

Also, Dave Chappelle's coedy special was funny as hell. Check some of them. I'll post some later otherwise..

[Sendo Takeshi]

British consumer: Pack of fags?

Randal: I ain't no ***.

British Consumer: A *** is a pack of cigarettes, mate.

Randal: I ain't YOUR mate, ***.

*Randal jumps over the counter and proceeds to kick the British consumer's butt*

[Lord Dagoth]

Oscar Wilde, "Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." :lol: That is so true...:naughty:



I like this one

[Blue_Bull]

-Is Naruto still in filler?
-They are not off namek yet...

[Gibb]

"All it took was a fat karate punch!"

-modified line from the network TV premier of Mallrats.

[Old Ape Face]

Well it's not a quote from someone it's a quote from me, it might not sound funny for some people but it's funny for me.

Its in my signature.

[MonkeyBoy0314]

"If you kill me, I forgive you. If I live, we'll see." -Actual Spanish proverb

"Videogames bad for you? That's what they said about Rock 'N Roll!" -Shigeru Miyamoto

[The Million Dollar Prons]

The Moon Rulez #1

[VidelCoolGirl]

Me and my friends have a book of all our stupid quotes. One of the best?

"Ok, Fine! You're NOT a hoebag!"

[Nano]

"Drugs destroyed my family killed my brother and raped my mother."

[Kali-chan]

the abridgedness is an everlasting supply of quotey goodness... in America!

oh yeah, in America!
and more abridgedness!

Who's the crazy kook who's destroying the world, it's Zork!
"That's me!"
It's Zork and Pals!


and
Never leave your beaver unattended!

[superplough]

anything ever said by samuel L jackson. ever.

"i have it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing plane!"

"english, mother****er?! do you speak it?!"

"you tell me where my suit is, woman!"

"you are under arrest, my lord."

"you're my *****. my own personal *****. i pull the strings, you dance."

"maybe I should "workshop" my foot up your ***!"

etc

[Satsumaru]

"The end of the book was the wake up call I needed after falling asleep at the start of the book :)" - Homer Simpson

[Spadesy]

"Fix your own house before you throw stones at mine." Chinese proverb.

[blackknight]

Dee Snider, after watching his bodyguard rough up a heckler: "Well Vic, it was kind of like watching someone bag your old lady. It looks good, BUT IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME!"

This is because after Twisted Sister made it big, Dee was no longer allowed to rough up his own hecklers.

[Aaluaine]

...the Microsoft Zune is going to be successful.

bwhahahahhahaahahha ...... so true ! ^ ^_^

[Ikari Warrior]

Fry: Now you're trapped in MY book. A crummy world full of plot holes and spelling errors.
Big Brain: Ahahahaa!! The Big Brain am winning again! I am the GREETEST! i am leaving earth for no raisin!
-Futurama

"I'm a rageaholic! I can't live without rageahol!"
-Homer Simpson

"Yo Bender gonna make some noise, get yer hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! *record scratching sound* that's whatcha-whatcha-whatcha get on level five!"
-Beastie Boys, Futurama

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie." - Secret of Mana Animated Theater

[Satsumaru]

*after the kids steals Homer's motor home*

"Ohh my god!..This is a parents' worse nightmare!! They've stolen a car AND they're home alone!" - Homer Simpson

[Suiko Eiji]

"If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie." - Secret of Mana Animated Theater

There's a line from Urusei Yatsura somewhere, I think, along the lines of, "If at first you don't succeed, you were never meant to try in the first place." I use that at work more than I should.

[GreatNekoKoneko]

...Alice Catherine sucks balls at art. (true story)