PDA

View Full Version : Peotry Rating Please <moved>


Joli Tiger
August 1st, 2006, 06:47 AM
What is love, but an emotion,
So strong and so pure,
That nurtured and shared with another
All tests it will endure?

What is love, but a force
To bring the mighty low,
With the strength to shame the mountains
And halt time’s ceaseless flow?

What is love, but a triumph,
A glorious goal attained,
The union of two souls, two hearts
A bond the angels have ordained?

What is love, but a champion,
To cast the tyrant from his throne,
And raise the flag of truth and peace,
And fear of death o’erthrow?

What is love, but a beacon,
To guide the wayward heart,
A blazing light upon the shoals
That dash cherished dreams apart?

And what is love, but forever,
Eternal and sincere,
A flame that through wax and wane
Will outlive life’s brief years?

So I’ll tell it on the mountaintops,
In all places high and low,
That love for you is my reason to be,
And will never break or bow


------------------------

The sparkle in your eye,
The warmth of your skin.
Your breath on my neck,
That quivers within.

The touch of your hand,
The smell of your hair.
The kindness in your smile,
That strength in your stare.

Your kiss on my lips,
Your body near mine.
The stroke of your touch,
That feeling inside.

The sound of your voice,
Compassion in your embrace.
The serenity in your stride,
The power in your face.

The calming of your presence,
The beating of your heart.
The promise of tomorrow,
That we may never part.

The beauty of your kiss,
and that magic in your touch.
It is for all these reasons and more,
Why I love you so much.

-------------------

You are friendly, kind and caring
Sensitive, loyal and understanding
Humorous, fun, secure and true
Always there... yes that's you.

Special, accepting, exciting and wise
Truthful and helpful, with honest blue eyes
Confiding, forgiving, cheerful and bright
Yes that's you... not one bit of spite.

You're one of a kind, different from others
Generous, charming, but not one that smothers
Optimistic, thoughtful, happy and game
But not just another... in the long chain.

Appreciative, warm and precious like gold
Our friendship won't tarnish or ever grow old
You'll always be there, I know that is true
I'll always be here... always for you.

----------------------

Time Clicks as I await
The hour ends before my take
Sitting, thinking, waiting; my mind escapes

The day grows old as night passes
Wolves crying, coyotes howling; anticipating
Watching, staring, seeing -- nothing

Silence begins the day
as morning comes without notice
Tears begin to fall, slowly

The day moves on without hope
Wishing to be what is not to be

The sun moves to its peak
without a whisper or retreat

Time moving, but still empty
Stomach aching, curling
Still waiting

------------

Don't fall too deep
Into the death trap
There is nothing to gain
And everything to lose

You get attached
To people you don't know
Only to get hurt
For their stupid show

Your mind gets boggled
With thoughts that aren't there
Your heart gets crushed
Just so they can snicker

The internet is my trap
Just like many others
Do not fall too deep
Into your death trap

Leader Desslock
August 1st, 2006, 09:19 AM
Oh, CHRIST on a CRUTCH! No offense, but next time can you just ASK A MOD TO MOVE YOUR THREAD!? I had quite a nice response typed in the last thread, and by deleting the old thread and reposting it here, you've deleted that feedback. Which means not only do you no longer have it, but anyone else who might have liked to read that feedback will be unable to do so.

Thanks. I'll bear this in mind for the future. Any feedback I take the time to write for you might just be deleted. Yeah, that makes me REAL inclined to comment on your work in the future.

Well, I'll see if I can remember what I wrote and repost it, but my tone is apt to be decidedly less friendly...

EDIT: Well, I see she was banned. I can't say I'm feeling sympathetic about that at the moment. Agh!

Anime_Empress
August 1st, 2006, 09:50 AM
Well, I suppose I'm late, but all the same. The first poem was my favorite and in my opinion the best out of all of them. Had a nice rthyme (rythme?), flow and feeling. ^^

Leader Desslock
August 1st, 2006, 03:15 PM
Okay... here goes.... AGAIN...

What is love...
Overall, I'd give it a 5. You could tighten up the meter a bit, but this is perfectly acceptable as the sort of thing you'd hear read at one of those dry weddings we all try to avoid. Okay use of imagery, though it waxes a bit heavily (and stereotypically) sentimental.

The sparkle in your eye...
Overall, maybe a 5. It's nice and light, kinda cute to write in a "thinking of you" greeting card, maybe? Not much else there. The meter could be tightened.

You are friendly...
I'd give this a 4. Not a lot of structure, not a lot of imagery. It's an 'attaboy', sure. It didn't really resound with me.

Time clicks...
I've got nothing on this one. My only real reaction was WTF. I didn't get a sense of poetry, quite so much as a sequence of words that seems to have some significance to you. I didn't get any sense of what that might be, which would be the point of poetry. Maybe it's great, I hope folks like it, but it didn't resound with me at all.

Don't fall too deep...
I'll give this... eh, a 4.5. I like the theme, but the meter is loose and it comes across more as a lyric pout than a revelation.

Overall
Good first attempt, and they'll get you past any poetry assignment you might have. I think you either need to: a) work on your meter, or b) write less-structured poetry. These works seem a bit mechanical. If we can loosen up your shoulders a bit, the words might flow more naturally. I don't get a sense that you chose the meter as the best vehicle for your words; I get the idea that you chose it "because it's a poem". The structure of a poem is meant to help convey the intent, not pass a checklist.

What I'd advise: take a look at your wording, themes and imagery. Is there some way you can rephrase what you're writing in such a way that: a) it sounds like natural speech, and b) the natural 'bounce' of the language falls into the chosen meter? I think that'll work better. Most poets I know enjoy playing with the language, so I'd encourage you to just tinker around a bit. It's fun, really!

kiyomi
August 1st, 2006, 03:37 PM
Well..you've done it now Foxie..pissed the Desslock off..

Next time Foxtrot..come to me and get a shield before you take on any form of writing...

Leader Desslock
August 1st, 2006, 04:20 PM
Well..you've done it now Foxie..pissed the Desslock off...
Yes, but I managed to remember what I'd written in the other thread, so the review above is very close to what I wrote before I was annoyed by its deletion. If I'd been too upset to give her work a fair shake, I would've skipped it until I could.

I don't want anyone to think, "Ah, he was mad, so he gave it a scathing review". It's not a scathing review, and none of it is based on annoyance. It's my objective opinion. She's welcome to submit more if she likes, or even rework these poems, and I'll give them the due consideration I give any serious writing attempt.

kiyomi
August 1st, 2006, 04:23 PM
mm..my mistake then Desslock..

Still, Foxtrot..do what I said in my IM..and you'll do fine.

and Desslock is very fair in his reviews..

you're not going to kill me now, are you Dess??

**passes Desslock 20 bucks **