The TRUE Golden Sun Story

[DoomDragon22]

Hello. I have redone the Golden Sun games and will be realsining them in story mode little at a time please give me feedback on this as this is my first time doing this and my first story. Thank You

[DoomDragon22]

The TRUE Golden Sun story By: Lokik Scheirwood

Prelude: When we were Young

There was a flash of light then Isaac woke up panting and sweating. He had been having that same nightmare all week about a scythe coming down on him and knocking him out cold. He wondered constantly why he kept having the same dream. After a while Isaac noticed that it was raining and thundering out. After Isaac had gotten over his nightmare he got back down into his bed and started to sleep peacefully again. Then about thirty minutes later his mother came in shaking Isaac to get up “Isaac…” she said to him “Isaac…” she said again “Isaac wake up.” She said Isaac rubbed his eyes and mumbled “Wha’ time is it?” he asked her still waking up. “Doesn’t matter” she told him “Come on get out of bed the village elders won’t be able to hold it off for much longer” Isaac got up having no clue what his mom was talking about. “Now I need you to go the village square alright there’s been a big storm and it’s knocked a few boulders from Sol Sanctum. The elders are using all their Psyenergy to give us enough time to run to safety.” She told him Isaac finally got what was going on and got out of bed and dressed.

(well here's the first paragraph more to come every week or so... enjoy)

[DoomDragon22]

(I havent been too busy here's paragraph #2)

After he had gotten dressed his mom held him up for a second “Hang on” she said “You need you rain coat first” she said then used a Psyenergy called Grab. Grab picks up an object you can’t quite reach like if it’s high in a tree. “There she said now get going.” Isaac left his house. Just as he got out of his house he ran into his dad with his mom following Isaac right behind. “Hello Isaac. Hello Dora, Dora I need you too come with me young Felix got knocked into the river and I hanging on to a small piece of wood in the river right now.” He said “On no” Dora said “That’s horrible!” she exclaimed and headed off with Isaac’s dad “Isaac you can make it from here right?” asked his mom. “Sure mom” he said and headed down to the southern steps but just as he was about to take them a smaller boulder rolled into his way preventing him from taking the stairs. “Aww crap” he said as he started to head north back to his house. By the time he’d gotten back his parents had already run off. So he continued running North till he found the mayor’s grandson and Isaac’s friend Garet trying to pull some valuables in a trunk obviously too heavy for him. Isaac walked up to Garet “Come on Garet” he said “The elders won’t be able too hold the rock out for much longer!” he yelled at him since just then lighting had come down. Garet stopped tugging at his trunk then started talking to Isaac “Do you want me to just leave all my valuables here to be destroyed?!?!?” he said shocked and amazed at the same time. Then Isaac said calmly “Well in a matter of speaking… Yes!” he exclaimed “I’d rather you lose your valuables then your life!” Isaac yelled at his friend. Garet thought on what Isaac just said “You have a point let’s go” he said as he let go of his trunk and teamed up with Isaac so that then they could continue on.

[DoomDragon22]

After Isaac and Garet had run past the Healers temple they ran across the bridge and noticed the elder’s trying to keep the boulder from falling down and crushing Vale. Garet and Isaac stopped to listen in our their conversation as they strained to continue holding the rock back from destroying their village. “Has everyone gotten to the village square yet for safety?” one of the elder’s asked “I don’t think so not yet anyways” one of the other elders replied “Hang on” the third elder said “I’ll look around” he turned around to see Garet and Isaac on the other side of the river “Oh!’ he exclaimed “Run a bit farther boys it’s not too much farther now!” he said to them as he returned to helping to keep the boulder back from crushing Vale by using his Psyenergy. Isaac nodded at Garet and they continued to run to the village square. As they were running to another set of stairs to go down them another boulder blocked that path also “Aww come on” Isaac moaned “Not again” sighs then says “Come on lets find another path around” he said as they headed of towards the left of the road right next to the stairs. So they followed that path and came across a creature that looked very much like a fat rodent and a bat. They attacked Isaac and Garet for no reason at all! Isaac was able to dodge toe Vermin’s attack the fat rodent. But Garet wasn’t so lucky the bat hit him. “Ugh” he said shaking it off then taking out his dagger and attacking the bat but didn’t kill him. Isaac finished off the bat “There we go” he said high-fiving Garet’s hand “That’s more like it!” just then the Vermin came at them and hit Isaac, Isaac grunted then attacked the Vermin with Garet finishing it off. “There we go!” they exclaimed and rushed off.

[DoomDragon22]

After they had gone on for a while they came across a young man who was trapped under a rock they decided to walk up too him the young man opened his eyes “Am…. Am…. I going to die?” he asked Isaac looked him over “No” he said firmly “I don’t believe so” after he said that the young man seemed to get better “Why thanks!” he said getting up “Your words encouraged me not to die” he said Isaac looked at Garet but Garet just rolled his eyes “You just leave me here I’ll be fine” he said to them as they had already started to walk off from him to continue onto the village. On the way to the village they stopped for a moment because they saw that Felix was still in the river yes they had made it to the river where Felix and his sister plus Isaac’s mom.

[DoomDragon22]

Isaac and Garet stopped at the bottom of the steps for a second to catch their breath. While the had stopped they looked and saw Felix had gone underneath the water! They started to rush over but by the time they got their they noticed that he had come up again from underneath. They stopped there then noticed Felix’s parents and his parents talking. Isaac’s dad sighs “It’s no good we’ve all used up our psyenergy none of us can do anything.” They all nod in agreement then Dora says “Your right I’ll go look for anyone who can help Jenna you go too the village and look too” Jenna nods to show she understands and rushes off towards the village Dora then leaves and goes the other way and runs into Isaac. “Isaac!” she exclaims did you just see what happened?” Isaac nods his head to show he had Dora sighs “Too bad you haven’t learned enough psyenergy yet” she says Isaac looks down at the ground he knows it’s not his fault but he still feels guilty none-the-less. “Oh well not your fault” she says Isaac looks up at her “Just go follow Jenna and help her to town and back Alright?” she asks. Isaac and Garet they both nod their heads to show they understand and then Dora rushes off to try to find someone to help and Isaac and Garet run off after Jenna knowing they must act quickly or Felix will drown.

[DoomDragon22]

Isaac and Garet rush after Jenna over the wooden bridge tied with ropes into the village looking around for Jenna since they couldn’t see her. They rushed past the Weapons store and the Inn while talking with a few of the children and adults there to avoid the boulder asking if they could help Felix. The adults there were too old to be of too much use while the children didn’t know enough psyenergy to be able to help. Finally after some searching they come to their giant Psyenergy Stone that helps to restore their powers because eventually they run out because they get tired and need to be replenished. Behind the stone the find one villager replenishing himself and Jenna with the town mayor. They get their just as Jenna is talking with the mayor. The mayor notices them behind Jenna and beckons them over they come over. “Hi Gramps” Garet says to him “’Lo Garet” he says nodding at him “’Lo Isaac” Jenna says hello also. Then the mayor asks what they were doing wanting to talk with him so then they go into a recollection and tells him everything that has happened so far. The mayor nods his head in sorrow “Yes Jenna told me Felix needed help I don’t have enough psyenergy right now” he sighs. “Done!” and they all jump the mayor looks at the man at the Psyenergy Stone and smiles “Very good now Isaac and Garet bring Jenna and him back please he has enough psyenergy to help Felix that’s why he was there in the first place Jenna got here and told me of Felix’s predicament. I decided to go ahead and help Jenna as much as I could” the villager nods his head in agreement. “Very well Isaac go back to where Felix is please so he can help them and Hurry!” he says as they run off to help Felix now that they had someone who wasn’t psyenergy depleted and not too old or young too use it.

(There that should make up for how long I've been gone)

[DoomDragon22]

(Here's more)

They all ran back as fast as they could “Mom! Mom!” Isaac shouted we found someone!” and Isaac’s mom cam running to them as fast as she could “Thank Goodness” she says “Felix couldn’t-“ she starts to say but then the boulder that the elder’s had been holding back came down and crashed into many things with everyone one trying to get away. After the boulder had fallen and their had been a splash that no one could see Isaac looked out at where Felix’s parents had been along with his dad and notices that there not their along with Felix. Isaac try’s to speak to everyone but is too shocked finds that he can’t. And Jenna and his mom are stumbling over their words at the shock. And the guy that had come with them had broken his leg because of the splash and running away from it. Isaac knew what he had to do so he ran off towards the village. “Isaac…” Garet said as he noticed Isaac running off. So Garet ran after him.

After Isaac had run away he happened to come across 2 weird people that hadn’t seen him yet so he listened in. “To think that Mt.Aleph could do this much” the strange woman said to her partner “Yes” he agreed with her “It was lucky we even made it out alive our 9 other partners died!” back there with the women shaking her head agreeing with him. Then just as they were about too say something else “ISAAC!” Garet yelled and the 2 strange people got shocked and looked up “There you are Isaac.” He said to him while Isaac just shook his head while the 2 stranger’s jumped down “Did you overhear us?” the asked and Isaac not wanting to lie shook his head yes “Who are this people?” Garet asked Isaac “There scary why are you talking to them?” The 2 strange people pulled out their weapons “If that is the case that you did overhear us then you must DIE!” as they attacked them the Strange Women casted Flare Wall which instantly knocked them both out but the 2 strange people thought they had died so they hoped off out of town.

Chapter One: The Aftermath of that Horrible Day

It has been 3 years after that incident and Isaac has seemed to have lost the ability to talk over the shock of what happened. Garet and Jenna are his friends and a wise old scholar Kraden who they study Alchemy with very often. Isaac and Garet were found on that day very bruised and unconscious after the strangers had beat them they have not told anyone about this. And now Isaac is helping his mom fix the house while Jenna and Garet both come to visit him. They have matured a good deal in those 3 years and this is where the Story of the Golden Age of Man begins.

[DoomDragon22]

Jenna is walking towards Isaac’s house because she is looking for him she sees him on top of his house repairing the roof because parts of it fell in. While Isaac’s mom is encouraging and pushing him on saying that he can do it. Isaac puts one of the last pieces of hay for the roof over the holes using his psyenergy that he is still getting used to. Jenna nods and continues to walk on looking now for Garet. She sees Garet practicing his psyenegery “UWAAHHHHH!!” he screams as he moves a log using his mind. “Still practicing your psyenergy I see,” giggles Jenna Garet looks up to see who’s talking and blushes a bit. “Yea” he says, “Let’s go get Isaac he should be done” Garet nods his head in agreement. They arrive back at Isaac’s house as he’s finishing up and climb up the roof “You ready to go Isaac?” they asks he nods his head to show that he is. “Where are you off too?” asks Isaac mom “Were off to Kraden’s to study Alchemy” Jenna tells her as Garet moves and falls in one off the holes that Isaac had patched “UWAHHHH!” he screams as he falls getting his foot stuck while everyone else is just standing there as Garet pulls himself out and falls in another hole “UWAHHH!” he screams again as Jenna tells him not there and Isaac’s mom pulls him up almost falling off the house in the process. “Alright Isaac go you’ll just make a bigger mess of the house then it already is” she tells them as she shoos them off.

On their way over they get to discussing how much Isaac and Garet have matured these last 3 years practicing the Psyenergy more than anyone else and saying that they should forget what happened and how they had found them knocked out cold.

[DoomDragon22]

(I'll post some more soon sorry It's been awhile give me a few days)

[Mavin Maverick]

I don't want to vote "on the verge of No" because I haven't read a good portion of it. However, there are some substantial issues that make the readability go downhill very quickly.

The first, and probably most important one is that you're posting the story here, paragraph at a time. This is going to end up being on very long thread if you do that. You may want to find someplace you upload files, or the posted story too (the various fanfic sites are mentioned numerous times here in other threads). Secondly, write larger chuncks, like chapters, or at least cohesive parts, unless this is really going to be a short story. I'm sure Leader Desslock would probably tell you much the same thing, once he posts in here.

Now, onto the story itself. Each paragraph is loaded with information that could be expanded on, and broken up into several paragraphs. I happen to love dreams, and writing about dreams...so I would have loved to have experienced Isaac's dream as he was having it. Don't feel like you need to rush things...if there's some kind of meat there, then chew on it for awhile. Draw your readers into your world, and show them everything you can about it. That doesn't mean divulge your mysteries though...you need to build mystery, because that keeps the reader, reading. I sense you already know this, as you let us feel with Isaac (in a very small way), the confusion of not knowing what was going on.

Next, live by these words "Show us, don't tell us." In the second paragraph you said "she said then used a Psyenergy called Grab. Grab picks up an object you can’t quite reach like if it’s high in a tree." It could have been done something like this: "She extended her hand towards the closet, and an invisible force wrapped itself around the rain coat. It tugged against the hanger, making the flimsy piece of metal teeter back and forth, then the coat leaped from the shadowy closet and flew towards her hand. She snatched the long dun coat from the air, handing it to Isaac. "There. Let's get going." " (Don't use this passage unless you really want to...you're going to have to use your own words to make it sound the way you want to. This is just an example!)

Doesn't that intrigue you more than just establishing she has some power and can use it to grab things? The paragraph above is showing us what she's doing, without boring us. You could even have her say, "I'll grab your coat" and then proceed with the description...that shows the power is called "grab" in this case. We already know from the paragraph above that there is something called psyenergy involved...don't assume your readers are complete idiots in all things. They will understand that this woman must have psyenergy too...especially as you go on to explain other things happening, and link those powers together.

It's also a good idea to split up who's talking. Let the talker have their own paragraph, and describe what they're doing as they're talking. Be very clear about who says what, which you seem to do all right.

That's about all I can think of for now. Good luck, and hopefully you'll find some improvement to make this story everything you want it to be. :-)

[DoomDragon22]

Alright then thanks I'll keep this in mind before I post the next part of the story. I love feedback and ways I can make it better so thank you for showing me my mistakes.